Saturday, April 05, 2008

Hop to it

So it’s Saturday, so it’s April, so it’s nice outside, so begins another year of News and Reviews you can’t Possibly Use- like this tidbit: A worldwide shortage of hops — a key beer-making ingredient — could have a big effect on the taste of specialty brews and force smaller microbreweries to hike the price of their products.

The shortage can be blamed on a perfect storm of events — bad weather in hop-growing areas of the United States, Europe and Australia and a depressed U.S. dollar.

"It's bordering on disastrous actually. If you don't have hops then you don't have beer," said a spokesman.

What no beer! No weekend drunken sprees? No waves of inebriated sexual advances, pissed punch-ups, no peeing on the guy's shoes next to you at the urinal while you spout verbal venom about how you don’t get any from your wife?

That’s just not right. No.....Not right at all.

Your face, my place I can’t seem to find this story anywhere, but I did hear it, or read it somewhere on a bathroom wall this week while I was peeing on the guy's shoes next to me, so it must be true. And if it isn’t, then I’m sure it’s been tried by someone, somewhere.......A guy has been using a picture, other than his own, that he stole off of Facebook to pick up girls.

Of course as long as you never actually meet them, or persuade them to talk to you through a glory hole, you’re screwed, or you’ll never get screwed, depending on your perspective and the glory hole.

What happened to the good old pick-up line like, “Can I buy you a drink or would you just rather have the $7.50 I think you’re worth?”

BTW, this is my face and ladies and it’s leaving at the end of this blog, so be on it.

The end of the world is coming....again

And sooner than you may think.

A Russian cult has been hiding underground since November, convinced the world is going to end in May.

Did they not see the winter we just had? Some days I thought it already had.

However, severe rains have put their hiding place in jeopardy and they we’re forced to emerge.

Seems to me the point of them being there was to die eventually, but whatever.

Those who still believed the end was nigh were taken to a small wooden house in a village about 750 km from Moscow where they will remain cloistered in prayer until the world ends in May....

I guess I should take that vacation to Mexico after all. The trip will probably kill me.

In sex, length does matter

Oh yeah? Well that’s just swell.

A survey of sex therapists concluded the optimal amount of time for sexual intercourse was three to 13 minutes. The findings, to be published in the May issue of the Journal of Sexual Medicine, strike at the notion that endurance is the key to a great sex life.

Oh! Length of time. Not the length of my who-who-dilly......3 to 13 minutes you say?.....Oh yeah? Well that`s just swell.

If that sounds like good news to you, don't cheer too loudly. The time does not count foreplay....

Oh come on! Throw me a frickin`bone here people.

...and the therapists did rate sexual intercourse that lasts from one to two minutes as "too short."

I`m doomed!

No shoes, not svelte, no service

Fatism is a growing problem. A new Yale University study finds weight bias is just as prevalent as racial discrimination. That's based on self-reported data from adults of all sizes between 25 to 74.

Researchers found women are twice as likely than men to report weight discrimination. They found men are not at serious risk until their body mass index reaches 35, while woman must hit 27.

Wait a minute now! I know many guys, myself included, who have taken home women well above the 27 body mass index......Say, is there still room left in the doomsday house?

Strange Does Dallas

Adult film star wannabes will have their chance to learn the business this weekend at "Porn Camp" in Tampa, Fla.

Led by an adult film actress, the seminar will cover everything from lighting and sound to legal advice. But the highlight of the three-day event is hands on.

Hands on you say? Sign me up. Hell, just look at my pretty face.

— participants will shoot their own adult-film scene.

Hmm....a one to two minute movie....sounds intriguing.

"They will tell you, show you and then help while you make your own film ... that you will own the rights to," the seminar's Web site said.

But the privilege doesn't come cheap, the St. Petersburg Times reports. The seminar costs $4,000 per person. About two dozen participants are expected for the event.

$4000 dollars! Better make that two dozen minus one.....oh what the hell. The world`s going to end in May anyway.

Now, if I can just figure out where my other 13 minutes of fame are coming from, I'm set.

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