Many times this year when it looked like I was getting boring, I could always pull readership back in by posting something obscure and revolving around sex.
Blogs like how to stuff your crotch for the ladies, how to make your own condom dance party, the top ten foreign objects inserted into the human body or, during penis week, how about the guy with the iron schlong?
And don't get me started on 2 girls 1 cup. Although the song about it was hilarious and easier on the eyes.
The following was a survey I have posted for, vagina-card-carrying, partners in an effort to better myself and regain my lofty sexual prowess and my favorite.
1- Dear female: You have just had sex with me. Was it a disappointing experience?
No
Yes
2- During foreplay, which of the following breast-stimulation techniques did I employ?
a) The Tune in Tokyo
b) The Kneading Dough
c) The Soft Caress
d) The Obligatory Nipple Suck
3- You realized I was interested in having sexual intercourse with you when I...
a) Poured you a glass of wine and dimmed the lights
b) Came out of the bathroom naked
c) Put on porn "by mistake"
d) Announced, "It's not going to suck itself"
e) Drugged your drink
4- When I first moved my hand downtown, you thought
a) "Don't stop"
b) "Please stop"
c) I'd dropped a Cheeto.
5- Seeing me naked for the first time made you...
a) Hot with anticipation
b) Jealous of my boobs
c) Ask whether you could braid my back hair
d) Wish you had a smaller vagina
6- When you were kind enough to give me oral attention, I...
a) Made sure to return the favor later in the evening
b) Grabbed your ears as if I was hoisting the Stanley Cup
c) Repeatedly shouted directions at you
d) Purposefully misled you about the timing of my climax
7- I treated your clitoris like it was a:
a) Spittoon
b) Speed bag
c) Delicate mandolin
d) Paper triangle football
8- Which words best describe my penis?
a) Punishing
b) Nice
c) Disappointing
d) Weird
e) What penis?
9- In my mind, the sex lasted for hours. In reality, it took up:
a) 1 min. - less than 2 min.
b) 2 min. - less than 3 min.
c) 3 min - less than 4 min.
d) Greater than 4 min.
10- How many orgasms did you have?
a) Multiple
b) One
c) Zero
d) One - in the bathroom afterward riding my electric shaver.
11- Over the course of the night, the most inappropriate thing I tried to use on you was...
a) A cheesy pickup line
b) A Black Mambo vibrator with crocodile ribs
c) The shocker
d) The sleeper hold
e) The Dirty Sanchez
12- Did I say anything embarrassing at the point of the orgasm?
No
Yes, and here it is (please spell phonetically in the comment box)
13- During our five minutes or less of intercourse, how many positions did I bust out?
a) 1
b) 2 - 3
c) 4 - 6
d) 7 or more
e) You don't know. The pain of your ankles up behind your ears was too excruciating.
14- You cried during intercourse. Why?
a) I was crushing you
b) I was pulling your hair
c) It was just that big
d) I brought back painful memories of that time you were with your uncle in the woodshed.
e) It wasn't tears - it was my sweat that had fallen onto your face
15- Immediately after finishing our act of lovemaking, I...
a) Tried to high-five you
b) Fell asleep on the wet spot
c) Cuddled you attentively
d) Turned the TV back on so I could watch Heroes
16- What best describes the view you had when you woke up?
a) A sleeping Adonis
b) A puddle of drool
c) My Star Wars bedsheets
d) My best friend sneaking out from his hiding place in the closet with the video camera
Thank you for participating in this survey. Please leave your answers in the comment box and I promise I won't comment on your box.
Honourable mention for sex post of the year:
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