Strangedaze: Spring into summer

Summer officially arrived Wednesday. Hooray. With the constantly changing weather we are now privy to, fall will be here next week. Enjoy.

Swallow my pride

This week marked the kick off of Pride Week in the Big Smoke culminating with the Gay Pride Parade this Sunday. Since it’s inception, the event has grown to world class stature and is considered the best of its kind anywhere.

I just welcome the chance once a year to dust off my ass-less leather chaps and get out there to mingle.

May I be of assistance?

A study released this week says, Toronto is the third politist city in the world right behind Zurich and New York.......Wait a minute.....New York? That can’t be right?

Personally, having been to both Zurich and New York and living in Toronto, I think they’re all wrong. The most considerate city has to be Mitchieville. Do New Yorkers wipe your ass when you use a public stall? Why even the Mayor himself has been right there at the urinal to give me a helpful shake and a zip up.

You can't beat that type of civility.

Hurricane Stanley

This definitely is hurricane season, as Lord Stanley’s mug now resides in the Carolinas. That’s twice in a row a team from Alberta has lost to one south of the Mason Dixon Line in a place where ice is still more popular in a margarita. Ouch!

Montreal Madonna madness

Madonna played two sold out shows in Montreal this week. People flew in from as far away as Florida and Calgary and paid over $600 a ticket to see her perform. Not only that, they hung out in droves outside her hotel. People will do anything to catch a glimpse of celebrities. That’s idiotic.

Say......I have a potato wedge that has the profile of David Hasselhoff....I’ll take less than $600 for it. Any takers? Bueller, anyone?

F U

Fisherman's University that is.

In an effort to make killing lobsters more humane, and alleviate the stress of the crustacean, the East Coast has instituted, "Lobster University." This is all in an effort to teach lobster fishermen there are alternatives to killing lobsters besides, spear guns, baseball bats, soup ladels, and bigger spear guns. They’ve even set up lobster condos to help relax the animal before it's boiled alive. Although the preferred method is now electric shock.

Either way, all I have to say is, get the butter.

Fountain of you

Pfizer has developed a new pill. It’s effect is meant to keep your body youthful and virile with minimal muscle loss.

Isn’t there already something like this out there?

It’s called Viagra.

Golden age of consent

The government just raised the legal age of consent to 16 from 14. It replaces a 100 year old law in hopes to stop sexual deviants from preying on young girls.

That makes sense. A 45 year old man with a 14 year old girl is just sick. A 45 year old man with a 16 year old girl is much more acceptable. Bravo! Bravo!

I just got carded

The government is also implementing other changes for our protection. Retailers will no longer be allowed to have expiration dates on gift cards.

This is not good news.

You see in the past I’ve looked like a hero to my friends. I have a guy, ( we'll call him Eduardo). Well, Eduardo supplies me with expired gift certificates. For $10 bucks I can get something in the $400.00 range. Pretty sweet deal.

I pass them along inside cards to the exuberant faces of friends and family on birthdays and Christmas with their unified chorus of, "Oh! You shouldn’t haves," and "this is too much."

Yet, I am also a loyal shoulder to cry on and a voice of disgust and anger when the store tells them the card is expired.

Now what am I going to do? Buy real gifts? I don't think so.

This little piggy broke in pieces

A new study shows, most parents have stolen from their kids piggy banks at one time or another to pay bills, or get gas money, or pay the bookie.

Women are considered twice as likely to break the bank as it were than men. Some don’t even return the money once it’s been taken.

I’m absolutely appalled. What kind of role model are you establishing. There is no excuse to do this. Unless.....you’re short cash for hookers and blow....and let me stress it should never be more than once a week.