Tuesday, October 31, 2006

A little Halloweenie anyone?

Not that size matters. Go here to get your boo.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

It's all about T&A

First on the ass end of things:

The McCartney/Mills split is getting uglier. McCartney already stands to lose millions of pounds, (British curency), in the settlement. Now, Heather Mills has announced after the alleged beatings she took at the hands of Sir Paul, she would like to become a spokesperson for violence against women.

Subsequently, McCartney has also announced he would like to get involved with the Society for Emasculated Men Bilked out of Wealth by One-Legged Gold Diggers, or SEMBWOLGD for short.

Coming to a Holmes near you

Tom Cruise has stated he’s getting married to Katie Holmes November 18th in Italy.

Except for the people of Woodbridge, may I suggest you get the plastic covers back on your couches immediately.

More baby momma drama

Authorities are investigating whether Anna Nicole Smith legally obtained permanent residency in the Bahamas and.....

Madonna says she is "disappointed" by media coverage of her bid to adopt a Malawian baby, saying it will discourage others from doing the same.

Yawn. Ok, let's move on to the boobs.

Breast wishes
From Loretta Nall, a Libertarian candidate running for the Governor in Alabama, with a classic T-shirt depicting her well endowed attributes with the caption of, "more of these boobs" and pictures of her opponents underneath reading, "and less of these boobs."

She's got my support. Vote Nall Y'all!

Big losers

As if losing on the boob tube wasn’t enough, soon you’ll be able to watch the Toronto Maple Leafs lose in HD on a fifty-foot screen at your local theater....oh, and be prepared to fork over $10 to $12 to see it.

Mammaries of the way we were

Since being diagnosed with breast cancer and having surgery, songstress Cheryl Crowe has announced, her next album will feature only songs about breasts.

Really, I’m not making this up.

Weighting to find an answer

Unable to put on weight and losing T&A quicker than a gay man in a french brothel, Nicole Richie has decided to undergo diagnostic treatment to determine why she's not putting on the pounds.

Maybe she should give Heather Mills a call? After her divorce is finalized, Mills will have plenty of pounds to spare.....that's a call-back to the British money thing.....you see?.....Oh, never mind.

Spokeswoman Nicole Perna in a statement yesterday added that the daughter of singer Lionel Richie was "working with a team of doctors and specialists whose focus is nutrition".

Perhaps if Nicole didn’t throw up after she ate there'd be no need?

The star's publicist also stressed that her client was not being treated for an eating disorder.

Did I mention, perhaps if Nicole didn't throw up after she ate there'd be no need?

Combat concubines

A Dutch mayor has raised eyebrows by backing the idea of sending prostitutes to accompany Dutch troops on foreign missions.

"The army must consider ways its soldiers can let off steam," Annemarie Jorritsma, mayor of the town of Almere in central Netherlands and a close friend to the Mayor of Mitchieville, told Dutch television.

"There was once the suggestion that a few prostitutes should accompany troops on missions. I think that is something we should talk about," she said, adding that the prostitutes would keep soldiers from turning to local women.

Why not take it a step further and send the working girls to the enemy. Then attack when they're all busy searching for 80 gilder? (Gilder is like pounds to the Dutch.......ah, just forget it.)

Clap for the elderly
Doctors said sexually transmitted diseases among senior citizens are running rampant at a popular Central Florida retirement community, according to a Local 6 News report.

A gynecologist at a community near Orlando, Fla., said she treats more cases of herpes and the human papilloma virus in the retirement community than she did in the city of Miami.

And you didn't want to kiss your Grandmother before all this.

Damn you Viagra!

New release this week: Deftones- Saturday Night Wrist

But I recommend: The Electric Amish- A Hard Day's Work

What? Still too soon?

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Don't sink my battleship

The United States is currently tracking a North Korean ship suspected of carrying military equipment that left Pyongyang this week, but have not yet boarded the vessel.

What a co-inky-dink, I'm currently tracking the Postman suspected of sleeping with GIGC and carrying military equipment in his pants. And as far as boarding? That ship has sailed my friends.

Babs like budder

Barbara Streisand played in the Big Smoke for the first time ever.

I heard it was a good show, but personally, I don’t care what dairy product you compare her to. I’m more concerned with the prices of tickets for the event and the number of kids who won’t be going to university now because of it.

Taking the dink out of drinking

Ontario is considering adopting legislation to allow people in clubs to take their alcoholic drinks with them to the bathroom. It is hoped this will curb the increasing number of date-rape incidents.

However, I bet the number of ingested urine-tainted mojitos will be on the rise.

God damn it! Now how am I going to get chicks?

Little Caesar....big investment

Little Caesar’s entrepreneur Mike Ilitch, owner of both the Detroit Tigers and the hockey Red Wings, has released a block of World Series tickets to rabid fans anxious to watch their team play the St. Louis Cardinals.

The catch is you also have to purchase 30 home-game Red Wing tickets.

Probably have to commit to 4 years of pizza once a week and dip your scrotum in battery acid while hooking your nipples up to a 220 volt feed. Or maybe you can swap your Streisand tickets for them?

Double 00 heaven

If you’re a chick with the ass of a 10 year-old boy, or you have breasts resembling bee stings. Or maybe you generally have a whole prison-camp survivor-vibe going on, now there’s hope.

With people like Nicole Richie in mind, the fashion industry has introduced a new size, 00 for teenie, tiny, teenie, thin, tiny women.

The fall classic

November is considered the most dangerous time for pedestrians who get hit by vehicles.

The study concluded, due to cell phone use, weather conditions and general malaise, pedestrians were more likely to be struck, Tuesday to Friday, in the hours between 3 and 7 PM, especially if they had World Series tickets on them.

Now that’s specific.

What a Rush

The prog-rock experiments of the band Rush are among works that should be preserved for future generations, says a committee tasked with saving the best in Canadian television, radio, film and music.

The band's 1976 album "2112," a unique blend of classic rock and synthesizers that made Rush a sensation both in Canada and the United States, is one of 12 cultural pieces named Thursday as MasterWorks by the Audio-Visual Preservation Trust.

Also chosen this year is what's considered Canada's first homegrown TV hit, "The Pig & Whistle."

Wow.....The Pig & Whistle too? You gotta be feeling pretty special right now if you're a member of Rush.

Going for the long (dirty) bomb

The perceived terrorist threat, of dirty bombs being detonated in seven football stadiums this Sunday, turned out to be a hoax.

Apparently, it was just a contest between two authors, over the internet, on who could come up with the scariest scenario.

How about dowsing your scrotum in battery acid while hooking your nipples up to a 220 volt feed? Now that’s scary.

However, let’s look at this realistically in a hypothetical way.

The following statements are the ravings of Gus the Homeless Guy and should, in no way, be misinterpreted as actual fact related to Chris Strange, Dickie the Greek, Mambo the Sports Monkey,
the Mayor of Mitchieville, or any other persons living or dead who would make such asinine allegations.

First of all, lets just forget about Minnisota vs Seattle, Carolina vs Cincinnati, Philadelphia vs Tampa, and San Diego vs K.C. If you’re a terrorist you’re not going to make a bold statement by attacking those games.

odds 100-1

Also, Arizona vs Oakland? You’re doing the league a favor by taking the Raiders out of the equation. I’d rather be forced to listen to details of the time Streisand had sex with former Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau than have to watch these two teams play.

odds 80-1

Pittsburgh vs Atlanta- Remember the Olympics? Attacking Atlanta, even although, as mentioned in the disclamer, in a fictional way, is so overdone.

odds 75-1

Denver vs Cleveland. You ever get to Cleveland? What a hole. Blowing things up there would be an improvement. Believe me. And I’d start with that mistake called the Rockin’ Roll Hall of Fame.

odds 50-1

New England vs Buffalo. This is another longshot. Didn't you read about the snow last week? Haven’t the people of Buffalo suffered enough? I mean they have to live there.

odds 25-1 and that's only because they're playing the Patriots.

Monday’s game Giants at Dallas is also not a good bet. Especially, if something happened in Sunday's games. Not that it would because, once again, none of this is real.

0dds 1000-1

That leaves the best bets for the over/under as....

Detroit vs Jets. Emblematic of all that is American: Detroit, New York. In fact, the only ones who would have no idea a disaster happened, would be the people of Detroit, who are too enthralled with watching the Tigers in the World Series and eating Ilitch's pizza.

odds even

Green Bay vs Miami. Good cross-over potential with this game between the Packers and the Dolphins. It would also anger animal activists and the makers of dairy products.

odds 2-1

Jacksonville vs Houston. Anything to fuck with Bush’s mind would be considered a victory and since Monday’s game is off the agenda, a strike in the heart of Texas is mandatory.

odds even

Washington vs Indy- The nation’s capitol vs the only undefeated team playing this week? The best odds. Where do I wager my fictional money?

*knock knock* Oh....the FBI agents are here.....gotta run.....

New release this week: Paul Stanley- Live to Win

but I recommend: Radio Pyongyang.......or perhaps I should wait until the ship is searched before I make any further recommendations?

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Halloween comes early

Is it October 31st already? I mean, this week looks like a line-up of B horror films and I'm not talking about The Grudge 2.

It Came From The Supermarket

First it’s killer spinach, then lettuce, now a couple lay in hospital, paralyzed, from drinking carrot juice tainted with botchilism.

- Aren't vegetables supposed to be healthy? Fuck me! I'm frying everything in pig fat from now on.

Death From Above

Cory Lidle, pitcher for the New York Yankees, throws the ultimate strike and crashes his plane into a luxury condo, killing himself and his flight instructor.

- It used to be, God’s way of telling you, you had too much money was, you’d develop a cocaine addiction and just O.D.

The Omega Man Revisted

The U.N. Security council debated what sanctions should be placed on North Korea as punisment for continued nuclear testing, as an underground experiment was conducted this week.

Some ideas that have been thrown out because they may be perceived as an act of war were:

Sending Bulgarian strippers to work in the capital of Pyongyang.
Bombarding Kim Jong Il’s home town with Walmarts, McDonalds and Starbucks.
Secretly snatching all dogs from North Korea and destroying the food infrastructure in the process.
Exporting all carrot juice tainted with botchilism to North Korean high officials in boxes marked "Yummy".

Friday the 13th: Jason Rides A Harley

A swarm of bikers descended on the peaceful town of Port Dover in a Friday the 13th ritual.

I would have gone but I seem to have misplaced my assless leather chaps....oh, and I don't own a motorcycle.

The Rampage of Old Man Winter

On Thursday, 53.5 centimetres of heavy snow set the record for the "snowiest" October day in Buffalo in the 137-year history of the weather service. The previous record of 38 centimetres was set Oct. 31, 1917.

The freak killer snow downed scores of tree limbs and toppled power lines.

Man! This is really going to kill Buffalo tourism. *snap*

Catastrophic pictures of this event are posted below.

So, what’s next? I suppose. Our house pets could rise up against us and kill us all in our sleep with power tools and sharp objects?

Revenge of the Housepets From Hell

It’s all fun and games until someone loses a colon
Of course you knew it was about the Sky City Casino Jalapeno eating contest, didn't ya?

Winner, Pat "Deep Dish" Bertoletti from Chicago, ate 177 to claim the championship. He beat out 14 other competitors including Rich "The Locust" LaFevre, and Don "Mosses" Lerman, who guaranteed victory beforehand.
The Jalapeno champion Bertoletti said later, he couldn’t feel his face. It had gone numb.

Well, Deep Dish, I guarantee you’ll feel your asshole tomorrow.

Do let the bedbugs bite
A woman is suing an Ellenville New York hotel after she, and her husband, woke up covered in blood soaked sheets. They’d been bitten repeatedly by bed bugs.

You know, that's what I tell GIGC when she wakes up in the middle of the night bleeding from the ass......What do you mean, "that's disgusting"? You should see my penis.

In fact, the woman and her husband discovered the hotel room was infested with them.

I guess she didn't notice the sign entering town: Welcome to Ellenville, National home of the bed bug.

She is suing for 20 million in damages.

20 million? Holy snapping arseholes. Where do I sign-up? Bite away ya little buggers.

Everyone into the pool
Every week GIGC, when she isn't bleeding from the ass, plays the pro-picks football pool. A ticket where one must guess correctly, all the winners from that week’s NFL line-up.

The payout can be anywhere from $5,000 to $350,000 green backs. Earlier this year five people split the pot and took home a cool $35,000 each.

As I stated GIGC plays, and this week came within a whisper of getting them all right. Only THAT BASTARD! Brett Farve of the Green Bay Packers foiled her chances with a fumble in the dying moments of the game, handing an unlikely victory to the St. Louis Rams from the jaws of defeat.

GIGC, rightly so, was devastated.

Thousands of dollars gone like that. *snaps fingers*

Until we learned the next day almost 6,000 people possessed a winning ticket and took home a whopping $84.00 each.

Game on!
Emergeny rooms have noted a 33% increase in males following a sporting event. The study concluded, men simply will not go to emergency when sporting events are on, preferring to remain with whatever injuries they have until after the game is finished.

Wow! What we won't do for $84.00.

Personally, I remember once, The Mayor of Mitchieville waited until the end of the Stanley Cup Playoffs before he had a severed limb reattached. Now that my friends, is dedication.

YouTube, YouRich
Google Inc. announced that it has agreed to acquire YouTube, the consumer media company for people to watch and share original videos through a Web experience, for $1.65 billion in a stock-for-stock transaction.

The acquisition combines one of the largest and fastest growing online video entertainment communities with Google's expertise in organizing information and creating new models for advertising on the Internet.

Not bad for two guys who started this thing out of their garage a year and a half ago.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some nuclear tests to conduct in the crawl space under my house. Hey, maybe I can sell my weapon to Google in a year or so?

New Release this week: Diddy - Press Play

But I recommend: Ken- By Request Only.

Come on, Ken......or Diddy? Seems like an easy choice to me.

You know, I think I had a hair helmet and suit like that for my grade 8 graduation.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Note: Amish week has been postponed

First of all, there will be no jokes about the Amish this week. Not only would it be inappropriate, but it simply wouldn't be funny.

However, Woody Allen said, "tragedy plus time equals humour". So I imagine, somewhere down the line, someone will have something to say about the whole mess, but it won't be this week, and it won't be here. Besides, when you have someone like Mark Foley running around Capitol Hill trying to get it on with young pages, who needs the Amish?

Hey kid you want to see the Washington Monument?

House Republican leaders struggled Monday to contain the political fallout as more sexually charged electronic banter between Rep. Mark Foley and teenage pages emerged.

While conceding that Foley had inappropriate communications with pages and former pages, attorney David Roth said Foley had "never, ever had an inappropriate sexual contact with a minor in his life."

"He is absolutely, positively not a pedophile," Roth said.

I guess we'll have to wait for Foley's autobiography, "Rectum? Damn near killed him," to find out the real truth.

Get your freak on

Wednesday was the most entertaining night in the Big Smoke that we've had in sometime.

NO, not because it's the start of hockey season and the Leafs once again stunk out the joint in front of many a sushi eating, high-tax-bracket, suit-wearing, BlackBerry using, Non- Amish Bay streeter, nor was it due to the season premier of "Lost" or the baseball playoffs.

It was because, the circus has come to town, or in other words, the first mayoral debate for the Toronto municipal election took place, featuring all the candidates....well 28 out of the 39 anyway. Some in capes, others in bright purple suits, or costumes of one sort or another.

It's too bad it won't be a closer race as I would look forward to holistic healing for everyone, or joining the federation of planets, or calling a twenty-three year-old Mayor....but that's just me.

Penguins get rimmed!

I bet I have your attention at least, but the tag line is nowhere near as sinister as it sounds and it doesn’t involve Mark Foley. Nor does it come with a voice-over by Morgan Freeman- "Sadly...(pause)...the screeching penguins progeny....(pause)...were bound tautly.....(pause)....separated from their mothers and forced to bend forward....(pause) their beaks....(pause) now scarcely positioned inches from the ice.....(pause)....Awaiting a terrible wet decent from above.

Jim Balsillie, the billionaire owner of Waterloo's RIM (Research In Motion) and creator of the BlackBerry, has bought the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Hey, how long before he moves the team to Kitchener/Waterloo, calls them the BlackBerries and puts an Octoberfest sausage crest on the sweater?

It would still be better than Buffalo Sabre's new Donald Trump hair-piece logo.

Water, water everywhere

So drink it, and stop pouring your money down the drain on bottled water.

Especially "Walkerton Crystal Clear"

Toronto has one of the best filtration systems and rigorous testing analysis in the world.

Very rarely will I get a floater coming out of the tap.

A Nobel cause

So they'll give out the big prize next Friday. The Nobel Peace Prize that is. But what many don't know is there are also awards given for the weird and wacky called the Ig Nobel Prize.

Like the guys who won for their work on itches you can' t scratch. Or the guy who invented the mosquito, a device emitting a frequency only teens can here that acts as a repellent to keep them away.

I wonder if that's the same guy who just invented the cell phone that screams when it's stolen?

Others of note who have been lucky enough to win this prize include.

The person who invented a flame-throwing car alarm.
Another who made it possible to rent the entire country of Liechtenstein for parties.
And a pair of televangelists who discovered that black holes qualify as the location of hell.
A team that published a paper titled "An Analysis of the Forces Required to Drag Sheep over Various Surfaces."
And Troy Hurtubise of North Bay, Ontario, who created and personally tested a 147 pound grizzly bear-proof armor suit. (pictured)

All may have wished for a Nobel Prize, but they got an Ig Nobel instead.

What happens in Vegas....

Hugh Hefner has just opened a new Playboy Club in the city of sin. What' s next. I suppose they' ll be auctioning off Hitler' s watercolors......what? They already did that?....Ok I suppose they' ll be auctioning off Cher memorabilia then.

Cher and Cher alike

Cher is auctioning off some of her stuff. At first, it was just to be some outfits and wigs, you know, tour/ Oscar/ nightclub memorabilia.

However, due to the overwhelming response, the lot size has increased three fold. She has added furniture, bed linens, used dental floss, table scraps, and several pets....no Ritchie Sambora was not among those listed. Some of the items in question are even under priced to make them more feasible for her fan base.

The collective squeals of joy you hear are from gay men everywhere......not that there's anything wrong with that.

New Release this week: Evanesence-The Open Door ....All right ya got me. Technically it was from last week, but what the hell.

But I recommend.

At play with The Platmates.

On their way to an internet cafe' to bid on Cher Memorabilia, no doubt.

Almost forgot

Have a happy Thanksgiving......unless you're from the States, then a shout out to Columbus Day....unless you're from somewhere else, then just enjoy your Monday.....