Wednesday, December 03, 2008

The transient identification dictonary part 3

The Musician- Always playing an instrument in a heartfelt attempt to show he’s at least trying to give you something in return for you money like the Entrepreneur. However the tune is always indistinguishable, weather it’s played on the harmonica found in the dumpster, empty over-turned plastic lard bins swiped from the nearest McDonalds, or the spoons he uses to scrape crusty bits from his anus, the Musician will find new and interesting ways to perform the same rendition of “You Are my Sunshine” over and over and over. And like a siren song may have you linger long enough to be ensnared, until you feel compelled to throw a few shekels his way.

The Bag Lady - Ahh, the Bag Lady, the sultry siren of lunacy found on street corners and immersed in dumpsters all across our fair land. Though she may realistically be any of the aforementioned hobo species, she is always set apart by the very nature of having lady bits; creepy, unwholesome lady bits that may or may not contain cheese. The Bag Lady is like a wild animal confronted by a moron. It's enticing and alluring yet wholly and completely dangerous and to be avoided at all costs, for like a wild animal it may defend itself by releasing a foul stench or a tirade of filthy slaps and profanity. It should be noted that the Bag Lady exists as the best and brightest example of why not all boobs are awesome.

The Genius - Like the Millionaire, the Genius is a local legend of bumdom. While the average rover may tell you tales of the time he found a half eaten cheese sandwich just sitting on a bench, or a barely used pair of sweat pants just sitting on a bench, or he pooped right where you're sitting on that bench, the Genius will tell you why the ontological argument for the existence of God is a cop out and then ask if you have change for a bus. The Genius is reputed to have written novels in the past and/or have taught some super liberal course at the local community college before losing his wife and shortly thereafter his job, his home and his shit. Though it may be true that the Genius has some extensive knowledge base from which to help you better understand your world, never forget that he also hasn't had soap anywhere near his crotch in months.

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