Sunday, August 12, 2007

It's all death and destruction


Studies now concur, women who have had breast's my chance to insert a picture of a overly large breasted woman

......are three times more likely to commit suicide or to die from drug or alcohol dependence.

Really, I can empathise with these women. Why, after I had my penis extension I thought about ending it several times. Personally, I think their mortality rate is tied in to the fact they get given more free drugs and alcohol than their budgie-sized-breast counterparts. But that's just me and my giant penis talking.

Squeeze that OJ

O.J. Simpson must pay the family of the late Ronald Goldman any money he earns from a video game featuring his likeness , to satisfy a $38 million wrongful death judgment, a judge ruled Tuesday.

The game, All-Pro Football 2K8, features Simpson's likeness and a team called the Assassins playing as one of 240 former football greats.

I had this idea back in the early 90's. No! Not about an O.J. football video game, but to have a game where you could play teams and stars from past eras against one another. However, do you think I could get anyone at EA Sports to listen to me and my giant penis? NO!

As far as I'm concerned O.J. owes me money.

Back to school...don't forget your Kevlar

It’s back-to-school time so load up with those pencils, notebooks, rulers and, of course, a bullet-deflecting backpack, if you buy the pitch of the security accessory’s Danvers inventors.

Dads Mike Pelonzi, 43, and Joe Curran, 42, dreamed up the bullet-proof backpack, which also blunts knife attacks, to protect their own children after witnessing the Columbine massacre in 1999.

The backpacks, which will cost $175, have a super-lightweight bullet-proof plate sewn into the back which weighs no more than a bottle of water. Pelonzi said the material used is a secret.

“We have tested and tested this product and we are very excited about it. We researched every school shooting since 1900 and found that our product is resistant to 97 percent of all bullets used,” added the father of two.

OK, so how long before some kid decides to see who has this product and who doesn't and goes to school with a gun to find out?

" Would ya look at that? None of the 1st graders had the backpack. Let's try the second grade."

Might as well sew on the bullseyes now.

Send us your tired, your hungry, your huddled gang members

A rumour that's been circulating in Brampton for the past 18 months has created a stir.

The rumour said people from the Jane and Finch area of Toronto are being paid between $5,000 and $10,000 to relocate to northwest Brampton. It has spawned complaints in the form of emails and telephone calls to city hall and police from people who think gang members are moving into their neighbourhoods.

Mayor Susan Fennell, a trusted politician, has assure the public the rumour is not true.

A trusted politician huh? Note to self: When house hunting- cross Brampton off the list.

Get the lead out: Part I

Lead poisoning can cause vomiting, anemia and learning difficulties. In extreme cases, it can cause severe neurological damage and death. Just ask the Chinese. They've been exporting it to you in your children's toys.

China said yesterday that it has banned lead-tainted exports by two toy manufacturers whose products were subject to major recalls in the United States, Beijing's latest effort to repair its reputation as a safe supplier.

Now if they'd just do something about the lead tainted sex toys.

I see dead people

Over at Myspace where there is a morbid fascination to view the pages of recently deceased members.

Is it any wonder I can't get anyone to view the Sector page?

Dead portrait's society

A Canadian artist has come up with a new way to memorialise cremated loved ones: a portrait, drawn with a pencil created from their ashes.

Lucas Seaward, an Edmonton, Alberta, portrait artist, says he has developed a process for incorporating about a tablespoon of ashes into a type of pencil that can be used for drawing a memorial portrait in shades of grey.

OK, that just creeps me the fuck out!......Uncle John? Is that you?


A Polish woman came back from holiday to find the local council had built a traffic island and a new road in her back garden.

But when Alicja Ziemowit, 48, complained she was told a change in the law meant local council officials could use private land for road building without consent and without paying compensation.

A spokesman for the local council in Lodz said: "I don't know why she is complaining, it is not a busy road, and she can still get to the back of her garden quite easily."

He added: "She still owns the land, it just has a road on it now."

If it were me, I'd be setting up a toll booth on that baby and paying gang members to move to Poland. In your face local council officials.

We've been expecting you Mr. Bonds

756? Big deal. From a juiced-up, obnoxious clown. Go compete in the Tour De France Barry, you'd be more at home.

Speaking of records being broken

Nationwide, sales of canned beer are up 10 per cent over last year, and a whopping 27 per cent in Ontario alone, according to a recent report from The Brewers Association of Canada. Not to mention sales of wine and tequila have also spiked.

I think I better have a little talk with GIGC?

Speaking of records being hidden

Adolf Hitler, the most notorious champion of Richard Wagner and “racially pure” German music, banished Jewish and Russian musicians from the concert halls of the Third Reich — but apparently listened secretly to their work.

Want to know what Adolf would take with him to a desert island?

Tchaikovsky, Borodin and Rachmaninov. Also, the Austrian Jewish pianist Artur Schnabel, whose mother was killed by the Nazis, had his work included in Hitler’s personal collection.

Get the lead out: Part II

A 59-year-old German woman has had most of a pencil removed from inside her head after suffering nearly her whole life with the headaches and nosebleeds it caused, Bild newspaper reported on Monday.

Margret Wegner fell over carrying the pencil in her hand when she was four.

“The pencil went right through my skin — and disappeared into my head,” Wegner told the newspaper.

At the time no one dared operate, but now technology has improved sufficiently for doctors to be able to remove it.

Now she can have it used with a dead ones ashes.

Sector electrifies crowd with acoustic set but causes near riot

Private Sector performed a surprise acoustic set at Sibbald Point last weekend sending a near capacity crowd into a frenzy.

The band opened with a rendition of Midnight Oil's, Bullroarer and Pink Floyd's, Comfortably Numb, before ripping into the meat of the Sector catalogue which included The Cure, The Torture Never Stops, Heart of Darkness, The Mask, Sleepless, Holdin’ Out, Where Were You, Standing on the Edge, The Gardener, Colder the Compromise, and Handmade Heart.

Also performed were a scattering of cover songs like Superman’s Dead, Hurt, Brown Eyed Girl, and Desire.

Some who believed Sector’s set was too short started a small riot, burning several tents and picnic tables in a display in disappointment. Park officials said they did not intervene as the campsite's fire ban was not in effect between the hours of 8pm - 1am.

Cross posted at Mitchieville

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