Fuk-u-do-me

Kosuke Fukudome isn't just causing problems for the Cubs, he's also making life difficult for high school students in suburban Chicago, as 15-year-old Jill Howe discovered earlier this week.

The Elgin High School sophomore had to remove her Kosuke Fukudome jersey and wear a gym T-shirt to class Wednesday because of a misunderstanding about how to pronounce the All-Star right-fielder's last name.

"Someone stopped me in the hall and asked me what the back of my jersey said," Jill [Howe] said.

Seriously? There are people who live near Chicago who still haven't heard of him? Apparently so. Not only was the school staffer who stopped Jill oblivious but so was the school's dean. After Jill's mother called to complain later in the day, the assistant principal eventually agreed that Fukudome apparel would be allowed.

Chalk up one for that Jill chick. Little do they know she's probably sucking cock under the bleachers every noon hour.

Good thing he cleared that up; after Fuk-u-do-me's recent goose egg and subsequent benching, I'm sure there will be absolutely no one who will want to wear that jersey on purpose. You know what's really funny? It turns out that Fukudome's dwindling relevancy was largely responsible for this controversy in the first place:

"She's a big Cubs fan...

When she's not sucking cock!

...and we got the jersey at Dick's," said Jill's mom, Nancy Howe.

See! Even the sports store is phallic.

"We were going to get a [Kerry] Wood one, but it cost more."

Kerry Wood. Shit is this whole family obsessed with the penis?

If Fukudome had actually hit anything since the All-Star break maybe his jersey wouldn't be on the discount rack serving as a trap for budget-conscious students with clueless teachers lacking pop culture context.

Something tells me this shirt is going to be everywhere in the next few months. Not to mention a whole lot of teenage pregnancies sometime next summer.

Ship arriving too late to save a drowning witch

And if you got that obscure reference I applaud you.

WINNIPEG - Someone claiming to be a sister of the young man stabbed and beheaded on a Greyhound bus in Manitoba last month has been trying to use the horrific killing to collect money.

The unidentified person posted messages on the Facebook social-networking site last week, claiming to be Tim McLean's eldest sister, Amanda.

The pleas for donations were on a handful of McLean tribute pages for a couple of days before people got suspicious. They pointed out the McLean family had already set up an account to accept donations at branches of TD-Canada Trust.

At the same time, someone reported the matter to the RCMP and the person posting as Amanda McLean was removed from Facebook.

You know I pulled the same stunt with Bernie Mac.....no dice.


Bono-fied fatty


Bono has reportedly been ordered to lose weight before U2 release their new album and start a proposed world tour next year.

The singer - who has been entertaining celebrity friends including Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and Robert De Niro on his yacht in France this summer - has been told he needs to lose his excess pounds before the band start their promotional duties again.

A source told the New York Post newspaper: "U2 have an album coming out around January. And then the band is going on another world tour in March and April - so the boys have been told to start exercising all the summer weight off."

I don't think he looks that bad.


Crocodile rock

A crocodile killed and devoured a 25-year-old man in Bangladesh who waded into a pond next to a shrine hoping to be blessed by the animal, police said Thursday.

Inspector Humayun Kabir told AFP that Rubel Sheikh and his mother travelled 50 kilometres (30 miles) from their home to visit the Muslim Khan Jahan Ali shrine, where the attack happened.

Kabir said hundreds of people visit the shrine every day to offer hens and goats to the five crocodiles living in the pond. Part of the ritual also involves bathing in the water.

Seems like a great place to take a vacation....with your enemies.


She's too sexy for herself

Avril Lavigne is getting under the skin of Malaysian censors.

A hard-line Islamic opposition party in the Southeast Asian country is calling on the government to scuttle an upcoming concert featuring the "Sk8er Boi" singer, calling her stage act way "too sexy" for local tastes.

Officials with the Pan-Malaysian Islamic Party's youth wing contend Lavigne's Aug. 29 performance in Kuala Lumpur would set a bad example for citizens, especially coming two days before the nation's Aug. 31 Independence Day holiday.

"It is considered too sexy for us...it's not good for viewers in Malaysia," party official Kamarulzaman Mohamed was quoted by the Associated Press as saying. "We don't want our people, our teenagers, influenced by their performance. We want clean artists, artists that are good role models."

Man, someone should tell her, she's got to stop hanging around Bono.


Crossposted on Mitchieville

The full retard

Advocates for people with intellectual disabilities are boycotting the movie 'Tropic Thunder' which opened this week, August 13. Outside some movie theatres, people carried signs calling the movie 'Tropic Blunder" and wore t-shirts saying 'Rally for Respect.'

They're offended by the movie's repeated use of the 'R'word....

The "R" word? Holy Christ, now we have to worry about the "R" word? Add it to the list with the "N" word and the "C" word. Personally I don't know how the good people at the CNR (Canadian National Railroad) are going to handle this?

They're also offended by the treatment of a character named 'Simple Jack' who has an intellectual disability. The character is played by Ben Stiller who also wrote the movie.

Here is the scene all the noise is over.






Big foot, or big hoax?

PALO ALTO, Calif. — Bigfoot lived in North Georgia, and his cousins are still there. That’s what a pair of Clayton County outdoorsmen claim as they released this picture of their find.

I don't know. That picture doesn't look like Val Kilmer at all.

But if they have definitive evidence to prove it, it wasn’t presented at a press conference here Friday where they had said they would make believers out of everyone. Dozens of mostly skeptical reporters showed up, lured by a flurry of interest in the story since pictures of the supposed discovery hit the Internet late last month.

Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer said a second round of DNA testing on what they claim is a dead 7-foot bigfoot they say they stumbled upon while hiking in June in North Georgia is still being completed.



That's better.


Teen wolf

Not yet, but give him a few more years.

An 11-year-old "werewolf" boy who desperately seeks a cure for his condition is baffling medical experts.

Pruthviraj Patil is one of 50 in the world who suffers from hypertrichosis, a rare genetic condition known as Werewolf Syndrome.

As a result his face and body is covered in thick, matted hair.

But he is hoping doctors will one day find a cure for his ailment.

Or ship him off to those Big Foot Hunter dudes. Hey you don't suppose?


Making my hairy potter invisible

Researchers have taken the next step on the road to constructing a cloak of invisibility or a powerful "superlens" capable of capturing fine details undetectable to current lenses. A group from the University of California, Berkeley, this week is publishing the first demonstrations of materials capable of bending visible or near-visible light the "wrong" way in three dimensions.

Yeah, yeah, yeah....just let me know when I can get one. Women's dorm here I come! Gigady gigady.....all right.

Crossposted on Mitchieville

Coma toast

Well we managed to get through the week without another decapitation on a Greyhound bus....oh but wait a minute....

Head on a PETA

No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of radical advocacy groups, but even in that context, PETA’s latest advertising campaign sets new lows. Last week, an attacker beheaded and cannibalized a man on a Canadian bus, a revolting crime that made headlines around the world. But where human beings saw tragedy and lunacy, PETA saw … opportunity:

Comparing the recent stabbing and decapitation of a young Winnipeg man to how humans kill animals for food.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals said the advertisement is meant to make people understand how animals suffer when they are killed in slaughterhouses. The group posted the imageless advertisement on its blog site Wednesday.

So much for killing and cannibalizing runaway teens. Now I have to worry about ending up on PETA's website.



When you're a Jet you're a Jet all the way

Brett! Brett! Brett!

That was the seemingly universal opinion of Jets fans yesterday as supporters of Gang Green came down with Favre Fever.

The trade bringing quarterback Brett Favre to New York excited long-suffering Jets fans, who said the future Hall of Famer should help the team make the playoffs.

I guess we're still stuck with their annoying chant except it will now be, " B....R....E...T....T.....Brett, Brett, Brett!"


Goodbye Bernie Mac

Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to hold yourself while those around you crawled
Goodbye Bernie Mac from the young man in the twenty second row
Who sees you as something more than sexual
More than just our Bernie Mac

Mr. Mac died from complications of pneumonia in a Chicago-area hospital, said his publicist, Danica Smith. A public memorial is planned for noon Aug. 16 at The House of Hope church in Chicago, Smith said.

"The world just got a little less funny," said "Ocean's" co-star George Clooney.

So long to a great comedian.


You're an eight

Police say there's been an alarming rise in urine-filled plastic containers found along a three-mile stretch of Interstate 84 in eastern Oregon.

A litter crew for the Oregon Department of Transportation picked up an estimated 200-300 urine filled plastic bottles, along the highway, about half of which were found in a short stretch dubbed "Three Mile Hill."

The strange thing? Most of the urine was from women.


Pitting man against woman

A man and a woman found a new use for a barbecue pit _ one that landed them in jail. An argument over whether a third guest should stay in the house got so heated that the woman picked up the barbecue pit and hit the man over the head with it, police said.

The man picked up the barbecue pit and returned the favor and hit the woman in the head with it, police reported. The woman then told police that she picked up the barbecue pit and hit the back window of the man's car with it.

Police admit that the whole situation was confusing, but after medics treated the man and the woman, they were handcuffed, read their rights and taken to jail.

Sounds like our camping weekend at Sibbald point last week.


Give me as S...T...U...P...I...D

What's that spell?

Twenty-six teenage cheerleaders....

Not the ones in the picture, but hell, you need something to look at.

...tried to cram themselves into an elevator at the University of Texas to see how many would fit, but then they got stuck and had to be rescued.

Wow this is eerie. That was the first thing we did when we got up to Sibbald Point...except replace elevator with outhouse.

One girl was treated and released at a hospital and two others....

....Including an Asian dude trying to take up-skirt pictures...

....were treated at the scene after the Tuesday night prank, officials said.


Woman Riding A Donkey Fights Off Lion With Machete

You really should have been camping with us.


Cross-posted on Mitchieville

Strange holidaze

Since I will be away, yet again, this weekend and since Jose Marrone is not available, having previous obligations judging the finalists at his villages "Best One Legged Prostitute" competition, I will be regurgitating "News and Reviews" from the past.

As a compromise it will also include some of Jose's posts as translated by his wife.

So here are "News and Reviews Rechewed" from 2007.

(Strange)

You have the Wong number

China has been forced to mull the possibility of allowing double-barrelled surnames in a break with the ancient tradition that citizens adopt one of a hundred single character surnames.

The top ten Chinese surnames are: Wang, Li, Zhang, Liu, Chen, Yang, Huang, Zhao, Zhou, Wu.

The official total of permitted surnames is 161, but this doesn't do much to offset the fact that there are now 93 million Wangs in China - albeit very tiny wangs- something which is causing the authorities a bit of a problem.

Proposed additions to surnames are: Hung Low, Sum Yung Guy, Jones, Smith, Wong Way, Biff, and Angel-Drawers- just to name a few.

Police Official, Xang Biff Angel-Drawers, explained that "there are so many people who share an identity that it is becoming confusing", a name like Wang Tao is shared by no less than 100,000 people. "You can see how police work can be very difficult."


(Jose Marrone)

Cheee! Soy feliz de expresar mis pensamientos en noticias de mundo.

Hello again. I Jose wife, and I translate Jose. He say "He happy to be able to share his....how you say?.....'thinks' with the people on world news".

The answer is Owen in the wind

The incident on Sunday afternoon that landed actor Owen Wilson in the hospital was called in to police as a suicide attempt, according to Santa Monica Police Department phone logs.

According to the records, a call was received at 12:08 p.m. on Sunday for an incident listed as "attempt suicide." Wilson remains in stable condition at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Beverly Hills, California.

Este hombre es un cobarde. Cuán puedele más explica alguien que mira tan bueno que mi esposa lame su cartel como lo está hecho de frijoles refritos. El finalmente Le debe haber mirado Mí y Dupree. Eso es lo que lo manejó sobre la orilla.

Jose say,"Owen is a coward"- He is not!
Jose also say, "He good looking and I lick his poster at night like it's made of refried beans"- I do not!
Jose also say, "Owen must have finally watched 'You Me and Dupree' That's what drove him to try to kill himself.- Jose is sleeping on the couch tonight!


(Strange)

Big breast is not so bestest

Studies now concur, women who have had breast augmentation.....here's my chance to insert a picture of a overly large breasted woman

......are three times more likely to commit suicide or to die from drug or alcohol dependence.

Really, I can empathise with these women. Why, after I had my penis extension I thought about ending it several times. Personally, I think their mortality rate is tied in to the fact they get given more free drugs and alcohol than their budgie-sized-breast counterparts. But that's just me and my giant penis talking.


(Jose Marrone)

Greece fire

Fire officials in Greece say progress is being made in fighting deadly wildfires sweeping the country but many fires are not yet contained.

The fires have claimed at least 63 lives and burned numerous villages and thousands of hectares of forest.

Estas personas son estúpidas. Haga ellos no saben que usted es supuesto poner bicarbonato de soda en un fuego de grasa?

Jose say, " Don't people know baking soda is best to use on grease fire?"


(Strange)

Look out Barbie

Twelve inches high, these soft plush toys come in three beloved Bible characters ?
Moses, Esther and, of course, Jesus complete with biblical messages.

Like what? "Please don't crucify me." and "Thou shall not worship other plush dolls."

The doll's voice is activated when the child hugs its red heart. The simple but profound messages the dolls speak are at the heart of what these lovable teaching tools are all about. Here's a sample of those messages:-- I love you and I have an exciting plan for your life. (Jesus: Jeremiah 29:11)--

Say Jesus, did that plan including living paycheck to paycheck, with the government busting my balls for money I owe them, 7 STD's, a rare form of prostate cancer and a partridge...in a pear tree?

Sorry, I couldn't find out if the dolls were anatomically correct or not. "Moses' rope belt is hanging out of his robe. hey! That's not his rope!"


(Jose Marrone)

From Dog to God

NFL star quarterback Michael Vick pleaded guilty yesterday to a dogfighting charge, then took his first steps toward what he hopes will be redemption. Saying "I need to grow up," the quarterback apologized to the league and to the "young kids that I've let down who look at Michael Vick as a role model." He also said he has found God.

Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!.

Jose say, "Michael Vick is a good and honorable man. Dog fighting an honorable sport. He bet all the time with his aunts, uncles, grandparents, nieces, nephews and children back in Mexico" He say, " Vick should be hailed as a hero not a criminal".....but Jose wrong!

Qué es usted le haciendo mujerzuela grande???

I say he should be locked up for long time- And don't call me a slut Jose. You are already sleeping on the couch remember?- If Vick has truely found God, let us pray that he doesn't drown, shoot or electrocute our heavenly father too.....

Eso es suficiente usted vaca gorda!!!!

Usted duerme mejor con el pene en una mano y el sissors en el otro.....usted pedo parcialmente calvo viejo!

Translate easily here.

Cross posted on Mitchievillisimo

Carp-pet cleaners

Fish pedicures are creating something of a splash in the D.C. area, where a northern Virginia spa has been offering them for the past four months. John Ho, who runs the Yvonne Hair and Nails salon with his wife, Yvonne Le, said 5,000 people have taken the plunge so far.

“This is a good treatment for everyone who likes to have nice feet,” Ho said.

And I want a scrotum that's less wrinkled but you don't see me dropping my balls into a fish tank......OK, there was that one time........at band camp.

He said he wanted to come up with something unique while finding a replacement for pedicures that use razors to scrape off dead skin.

Ho was skeptical at first about the fish, which are called garra rufa but typically known as doctor fish. They were first used in Turkey and have become popular in some Asian countries.

Usually with chips.



Curly, Larry, Mow

A Milwaukee man was accused of shooting his lawn mower because it wouldn't start. Keith Walendowski, 56, was charged with felony possession of a short-barreled shotgun or rifle and misdemeanor disorderly conduct while armed.

Please, don't tell me it was an old-fashion push-mower.

According to the criminal complaint, Walendowski said he was angry because his Lawn Boy wouldn't start Wednesday morning. He told police quote, "I can do that, it's my lawn mower and my yard so I can shoot it if I want."

A woman who lives at Walendowski's house reported the incident. She said he was intoxicated.

I thought everyone mowed their lawn drunk?

Walendowski could face up to an $11,000 fine and six years and three months in prison if convicted.

He better tell his inmates he killed the Lawn Boy and leave it at that.


Hot sausage

(AP) Two practical jokers are behind bars for setting their passed-out drinking buddy's crotch ablaze while boozing in Grover Beach. Matthew Craig Pillers and Jack Brent Nicholas Keiffer pleaded no contest to a felony great bodily injury charge.

Prosecutors say the 22-year-old Pillers, a parolee, was sentenced to two years in prison and the 19-year-old Keiffer got 45 days in San Luis Obispo County jail.

Elliot Tuleja was passed out when the men poured cologne on the man's groin and set him on fire on Jan. 18. Tuleja had second-degree burns on his testicles.

What happened to the good old days when you just shaved your passed out friend's testicles and then beat them with a hammer? What's this world coming to?


Clause-trophobic

(AP) It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas in a Danish amusement park where Santa Clauses from around the world are gathering for their annual three-day congress.

Hey, if Elvis can do it in Collingwood...to each his own.

Now in it's 51st year, the World Santa Claus Congress starting Monday brings together 136 red-clad delegates, mostly from Scandinavia but also as far away as Russia, Japan and the United States.

Japanese Santas? The people who gave us the "Poop Museum"?

The activities on the program include a bicycle parade, Hula Hoop dancing and a dip in the Copenhagen harbor.

OK, now that's too much information......next up: the 47th Annual World Satan Congress.


Don't worry, bee happy

(AP) Drivers on the New Jersey Turnpike have to cope every day with traffic jams, pollution and even the occasional deer.

They ran into a new obstacle Saturday as thousands of honeybees swarmed around their vehicles.

Here for your viewing pleasure is special reporter Nicolas Cage to describe the event in detail.



cross-posted on Mitchieville

Pot luck

I hope everyone enjoyed Jose Marrone's post while I was away at Pottahawk last week?
Once again the party exceeded expectations. Let's just say, there's no need to download porn for a while.



Thanks to Daily Motion for the vid. But unfortunately the one I wanted to show had already been removed. Let`s just say it involved a mustache ride and a beer bottle. The only thing missing was the stripper pole.

I'm not clear on the official count of boats, however, here are some of the interesting boat names spotted on a day that can only be described as designed by the hand of God.

Blood, Sweat & Beers
Channel Surfer
Knot Related
Yachta Yachta Yacht
SupercalafragalisticexSEAaladocious
Doe a dear, a female dear, Ray the guy who owns this boat



If your boat name appears here please proceed to the prize booth.


Snorting coke with Barenaked Ladies

I'm pretty sure I'd be telling everyone about it if I had a headline like that. How cool would you be?



Barenaked Ladies frontman Steven Page....

Wait, it's been a while. Is he the one on the left or the right?

...admitted to police he snorted cocaine with a Canadian bill prior to his arrest last week, court documents filed in New York state show.

Well at least he used a Canadian bill. Man if the buck was still worth 62 cents to the green back, how embarrassing would that be?

According to documents filed in Fayetteville Village Court on Monday, the Canadian singer was visiting his girlfriend, 27-year-old Christine Benedicto, in a suburb of Syracuse when they had a fight.

Mr. Page, 38, had two capsules of cocaine in his pants pocket when police arrived around 2 a.m. Friday, the documents show.

I'm sorry, I have to do it. "Are those two capsules of cocaine in your pants, or are you just glad to see me?"

Ms. Benedicto and her Fayetteville roommate, Stephanie Ford, 25, are also facing drug possession charges.

That must be the other person in the mugshot. Thank God! I thought it was Alice Cooper.


ICE!.....COLD!.....BEEEEEEEER!



The Toronto Blue Jays premier beer hawker, Wayne McMahon has been missing from the baseball stadium since Thursday.

Which is OK because the Jays have been missing from the Rogers Centre for years now.

The 62-yr.-old beer vendor is a cult figure in the city, famed for his unique delivery of calling “Ice………….Cold……….Beeeeeer!” in his gravelly voice with the signature long pauses between words.

Does this mean you'll only get luke-warm beer from now on?

Aramark Canada, the stadium vending company, isn’t saying why he has suddenly disappeared, but the other vendors think that he got caught by an undercover alcohol enforcement agent for selling a beer to an underage fan.

Or he was caught by an underage fan selling beer to an undercover alcohol enforcement agent. Either way......

Here's the official petition to bring him back.

Because if we don't, this may be only the beginning of the dismissals and some of your favorite daily barkers may be on the outside looking in, like.....

Your local Sally Cashier: "Can I get a price check on Trojan brand condoms please!"

Strip Club Dude: "Gentlemen! Put your hands together for MANDY!!!!!!"

The Pimply faced Tim Horton's Guy: "Buwabahumanubbacabbadubbawaggachubbababa!" (OK that's a large double double- $1.60- Drive up to the window.)


Speaking of under age


Classy Daniel Allen Everett went to have sex with a girl he believed to be 14-years-old. Nope. Those were cops.

When planning his date, Dan thought it would be wise to wear his best 'World's Greatest Dad' t-shirt.

Of course, you want the girl to feel you're a good guy. That shirt should put her at ease. They don't give those out to just any dad. Only those that have earned them.

Cross posted on Mitchieville

Blessed are the Cheeeee makers.

Since I will be away this weekend trying to destroy my liver at Pottahawk, I've asked a special guest to fill in for me while I'm gone. None other than Jose Marrone and his faithful interpreter Manuel will do News and Reviews in my absence.

Cougars maul Stanley Cup



U.S. musician Kid Rock had a wild July 4 bash with many a scantily clad cougar and in which invited members of the NHL champion Detroit Red Wings left the Cup out on the beach, where “people mistook the trophy for an ashtray,”

Manuel: La Piedra del niño y algunas mujeres desnudas del puma utilizaron la Taza de Stanley como un cenicero y lo dejaron en la playa.

Jose Marrone: ¿Qué es esta Taza de Stanley?

Manuel: Está como el trofeo dado a mejor una espalda de prostituta de legged en nuestra aldea de Plaza de la de Puerto de recreo de Santa.

Manuel: Jose ask "What is this Stanley Cup?" I tell him is like the trophy given to best one legged hooker back in our village of Santa Marina la Plaza.

Jose Marrone: CHEEEE!

Manuel: Jose very upset.


iphone = ipain in the ass

Registration problems and stock shortages have marred the launch of Apple’s new 3G iPhone in Canada.

Purchasers were disappointed that they could not activate their phones at the point of purchase. Some telcos are blaming Apple for the flaw, saying the fault was with the company’s iTunes server.

Manuel: ¿Qué piensa usted del nuevo iphone Jose?

Jose Marrone: ¿Qué es iphone?

Manuel:Es un teléfono con el internet, música, el video y otro material.

Jose Marrone: ¿Qué?


Manuel: You know what....we're just going to go on to the next subject.


A watermelon upper

A cold slice of watermelon has long been a summer staple. But according to recent studies, the juicy fruit may be better suited for Valentine's Day as it is now reported watermelon contains many of the same properties found in Viagra.

Manuel: Ellos dicen que la sandía está como viagra.

Jose Marrone: Cheeee, Cheeeeeeee, Cheeeeee!!!!!!!?

Manuel: Jose say, "where is his watermelon"?


Sexty into their seventies

More couples over 70 are having sex - and finding it satisfying - than in previous generations, a British Medical Journal survey suggests.

Swedish researchers asked 1,500 older people across a 30-year period about their sex lives.

The number of people saying they had sex increased - as did the number of women reporting having orgasms.

Manuel: Ellos dicen personas más de setenta tiene mucho sexo.

Jose Marrone: Cheee, Cheee, Cheeee!

Manuel: Jose say,"this is disgusting. He don't want to think about this. Is like wrinkly puppies having intimate cha-cha."


Air supply

Air Guitar Canada had a jam packed evening of exciting rock'n'roll madness on Friday, July 11, 2008 as the 2nd annual Canadian Air Guitar Championship got underway at Toronto's famed Lee's Palace. Hosted by intergalactic rock star Robin Black, this one-night only special event featured some of the country's best Air Guitar talent, celebrity judges and special surprises starting at 9pm.

Manuel: Hay un campeonato donde personas juegan guitarra con fuera guitarras.

Jose Marrone: Cheeeeeeee!

Manuel: Jose say, "This is stupid. He will not comment." He say, "He should be eating watermelon and having intimate cha-cha with cougars at Pottahawk."

Cross posted on Mitchieville

My mind is on Pottahockey

It has been hard to keep an eye on current events when the blessed day is nearly here.

What day you say?

Only the best day ever. Pottahawk! It is Mardi Gras on the water; thousands of boats; gallons upon gallons of alcohol; Hot Chicks with Bikinis roaming by you on the sandbar, but forget about Robert Hot, Stuart Chicks and Danny Bikinis for a moment.

This is seriously the best party of the year and since GIGC and I started going to it, We've never missed one.

Why even the chance to spot the elusive Johnny Wad has become a thing of legend like a balanced U.S. budget,or gas prices under a dollar a litre.

In fact, Pottahawk accounts for nearly all my Blog traffic at this time of the year.



So you can see why my head is elsewhere, but at least this week there are lots of pictures to look at.


Favre from over


In what can only be viewed as bad news for Vikings fans and great news for Packers fans, the typical source of Brett Favre-related employment news – the Biloxi (Miss.) Sun-Herald – is reporting that, in an interview with Favre, he has indicated he wants to return in 2008 and possibly beyond.

and so does , Jim Brown, William Refrigerator Perry and Walter Payton back from the grave.

Favre, who has held the Packers organization hostage a couple of times over his on-again, off-again wish to retire, feels rejuvenated from the Packers' 13-3 season and thinks he can still play at a high level and have team success.

If he does return next season, Favre will be the oldest Quarterback in the NFL.

But not the oldest player. That would be Jim Brown at age 72.


Things that change shape in the night

Hong Kong firm James Law Cybertecture is building yet another crazy building in Dubai called Shuffle Tower. The "shuffle" refers to the random mix of designs and uses that are encased in this one structure, plus the physical shifts that the building parts will make over time. Here's a breakdown of its many random parts.

- The top portion is a residential tower.
- The middle is an office tower.
- The bottom section is a huge shopping mall.
- The round spaces in between are communal sky gardens.
- The entire building is mechanically jacked, so each section twists slowly, giving people different views of the oceanfront over time.
- Estimated completion date: 2009



Where do you put the money in to get your potato chips?


Push, push, PUSH!

A US man dubbed the world's first pregnant man has given birth to a baby girl in the state of Oregon.

Thirty-four-year-old Thomas Beatie was born a woman, but underwent gender realignment surgery and is legally recognised as a man.

He was able to conceive because he retained his female organs when he underwent the sex change.

Could you imagine being the guy who makes a mistake like that in a bar and wakes up the next morning? Then you get the call that you've made another dude pregnant.

A hospital source said: 'The baby girl is healthy and the mother - or father - and baby have been allowed to leave the hospital.'

A practical question at this point: Is he going to breast feed?

Some reports suggest that Mr Beatie had a Caesarean section.

My money is on, "he shat it out". Anyway you look at it call the psychiatrist, this kid is going to be fucked up.

Cross posted on Mitchieville

Like a deer in the headlights

No seriously, if you're headed to the cottage this weekend watch the roads carefully for kamikaze deer and other animals bolting across your path.

Why?

Apparently the bug problem is so bad up north this year that even the animals can't stand it and are charging into open areas to escape the constant onslaught.

Why am I suddenly thinking there's a video game in the making?


Early hockey pool suggestions

Anyone the Leafs are getting rid of: Sundin, Tucker, Wellwood, Raycroft, McCabe, Kubina.

Everyone knows players always do much better once they get the hell out of Toronto.


Don't look now but your Gay is showing

Toronto's hotels, bars and restaurants quickly filled up this week as tourists started arriving for the gay pride festival. Close to a million people are expected to take part in the schedule of events, including a sold-out performance by comedian Sandra Bernhard.

Toronto's gay pride festival continues this weekend with a lesbian-dyke march Saturday afternoon, and the larger gay pride parade Sunday.

Last year's parade featured 144 floats and about 5,000 marchers, with police estimating the crowd at about 800,000 people.


Should be dead

Amy Winehouse: Why is this woman still alive?

The 24-year-old, a crack cocaine addict, is suffering from the early stages of the incurable lung disease.

Alright! So there is hope after all.



Actually died

Sadly, George Carlin. Now let's check with the good people at Death Pool and see who scored big with Carlin's death.

You know, some how I don't think he'd be displeased.



Cross posted at Mitchieville

Up yours

MOSCOW - A monument to the enema, a procedure many people would rather not think about, has been unveiled at a spa in the southern Russian city of Zheleznovodsk.

The bronze syringe bulb, which weighs 800 pounds and is held by three angels, was unveiled at the Mashuk-Akva Term spa, the spa's director said Thursday.

So if you ever need to know your enema, now you know where to go.


My left foot

And a couple of right feet as well.

British Columbia’s coroner’s office called the discovery of a sixth floating human foot a hoax, saying on Thursday it was really an animal paw stuffed inside a running shoe.

At first, Wednesday’s discovery seemed to deepen the mystery surrounding the feet, all found floating along island shorelines in the Strait of Georgia near Vancouver.

But the coroner’s office called the latest find a hoax, saying a animal’s skeletonized foot had been inserted inside the shoe.

Are they sure? I mean I know a few women who have feet that look like they're ready to swoop off a building and attack field mice.

“Whoever is responsible for this took the time to ensure that the remains were set up to closely resemble human remains,” RCMP Inspector Brendan FitzPatrick said.

The feet all were recovered within a few kilometers of each other along island shorelines in the Strait of Georgia, which lies to the south and west of the city of Vancouver.


Tiger no longer in the tank

Tiger Woods revealed Wednesday that he has been playing for at least 10 months with a torn ligament in his left knee, and that he suffered a double stress fracture in his left leg two weeks before the U.S. Open. He said he will have season-ending surgery, knocking him out of the final two majors and the Ryder Cup.

"Now, it is clear that the right thing to do is to listen to my doctors, follow through with this surgery and focus my attention on rehabilitating my knee," Woods said on his Web site.

He sure wasn't listening to doctors by playing the U.S. Open, a victory that now looks even more impressive.

If you're depressed about this news then I suggest you check out the hottest chicks in golf.


Whopper of a price

It is known as the home of 'the whopper' and Burger King is hoping its latest product really lives up to its reputation.
The fast-food giant has launched a £95 burger - all in the name of charity.

95 Quid? That's like a million U.S. Dollars.

Setting a new record, the world's most expensive burger is available at its restaurant in Gloucester Road, West London.

It will eventually be available to order via a hotline.

The fine ingredients of what is called simply 'The Burger' include wagyu beef, white truffle, pata negra ham slices, cristal onion straws, modena balsamic vinegar, lambs lettuce, pink himalayan rock salt, organic white wine and shallot infused mayonnaise in an Iranian saffron and white truffle dusted bun.

At that price they should probably throw in a couple of prostitutes to perform oral sex on you while you eat.

Cross posted on Mitchieville

This week brought to you by the letter "F"

Friday the 13th

Although PD13 festivities have all but wrapped up, it's not the last we'll hear of this year's event. Not only did the community reach it's target of 10,000
motorcycles, they blasted towards a single-event world record of over 12,000 tagged motorcycles. In all, officials estimate more than 30,000 attended the event. Manager of Tourism and Economic Development, Clark Hoskin, says bikes came in from as far as New York, California, Quebec, Georgia, Maryland and across the Great Lakes Region. OPP reported no significant incidents and said the mood was relatively calm throughout the entire event.

I love this event. It's one of the last places on earth I can walk around with my shirt off and not get ridiculed. There's always someone fatter, or a chick with bigger tits than me as well.

Freedom day

This year's Tax Freedom Day, as it has come to be called, comes four days earlier than last year's date thanks to the reduction of the federal goods and services tax to 5% from 6%, as well as tax cuts across various provinces, the institute said.

As well, 2008 is a leap year, automatically bumping the date up one day to June 14th.

The taxes used to compute Tax Freedom Day are income taxes, as well as property taxes, sales taxes, profit taxes, social, health security and employment taxes. Also taken into consideration are import duties, license fees, taxes on the consumption of alcohol and tobacco, natural resource fees, fuel taxes and hospital taxes.

Is it just me or do we all pay way too much fuckin' tax?

"Given the number of different taxes imposed on Canadians, it is virtually impossible to know exactly how much tax we pay," said Niels Veldhuis, director of fiscal studies at the Fraser Institute. "The point of Tax Freedom Day is to give people a comprehensive and easy-to-understand indicator of the total amount of taxes paid to all three levels of government."

Personally I feel the point of Tax Freedom Day is to understand just how much Government dick we take up the puckering balloon knot.


Father's day

I posted this yesterday as well, but what the hell, it's funny and it's Father's Day.


Finally!

Hi-ho-the -dairy-o the Mayor takes a wife.

And for anyone who missed the blessed event, it was a spectacular affair with chocolate strawberry fountains, horse-drawn carriages, and a guest list not seen since Chuck and Di.

TLDG looked stunning in her white dress sparkling with sequins and a train that ran longer than a NHL playoff overtime- it was still leaving the church this morning!

And the Mayor looked sharp in his tux. In fact the last time I saw him look this dapper was in his landslide defeat of that bastard Jerry Casby, in the mayoral elections of 2006.

Here is an exclusive picture of the 2 girls one cup wedding cake, that I might add, was absolutely delicious. Such nutty and rich chocolate. It was chocolate right?



The Mayor and his new Bride are now on their honeymoon in gorgeous downtown Milton.

Hey I'm sorry! I thought it said A Rubik- as in cube, on the registry, not Aruba.

Any-hoo....congrats you two. Much happiness!

Cross posted on Mitchieville

Bear necessity

The husband of a 70-year-old grandmother who was killed by a bear in northern Quebec fearlessly chased the wild animal off his wife's battered body, according to family members.

Conservation experts set traps after Friday evening's attack, but according to police, as of last night, the bear was still at large in the wilds of northern Quebec.

And it doesn't stop there. Black bear sightings have been rampant in the Durham region as well. The creatures have been getting more aggressive in their attempts to find food. Just take a look.




Bare ash

As reported on Mitchieville earlier in the week, a teddy bear shaped bag with Kurt Cobain's ashes has reportedly been stolen from Courtney Love's home, along with a considerable amount of clothing and jewelry.

"I can't believe anyone would take Kurt's ashes from me," Love said in an interview with News of the World.

I can't believe she had him killed in the first place, but that's just me.

"I find it disgusting and right now I'm suicidal. If I don't get them back I don't know what I'll do."

Commit suicide maybe.......wishful thinking I guess.


Bare naked
A new line of naked clothing is available for those who don't just want to wear their heart on their sleeve, they want their genitals as well.

Just wondering....if you're going to go to all the trouble of having these clothes made, why not choose a hotter body?

Take a look at some of the other outfits and you'll see what I mean.


Rare bare port-a-potty scare

LEBANON, Pa. (AP) - Rescue crews had to cut apart a portable toilet to rescue a man who got stuck naked inside the potty.

Maybe he was wearing those naked clothes?

Authorities say 31-year-old Shannon Hunter, of Lebanon, used his cell phone to call 911 on Sunday from inside a portable toilet.

Police say Hunter had been drinking and had taken off his clothes. Somehow, he immersed himself in the holding tank.

Probably looking for Cobain's ashes.

Deputy fire commissioner Chris Miller told WPMT-TV, "I've been on the job in one form or fashion for 21 years, and this is the first port-a-potty rescue I've ever had."

The Deputy fire commissioner should come camping with me some time.

Grin and bare it

Is the theme that defined hockey for the past 40 years or so on the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation’s Hockey In Canada program run its course?

According to the Toronto Star, the jingle that is familiar to your average to avid hockey fan might’ve been heard for the last time during the intro to last night’s Game 6 Penguins-Red Wings matchup, that rightfully saw the Wings capture the revered trophy we all know as Lord Stanley’s Cup.

The Hockey Night in Canada theme song is part of what Canada is. To lose that theme song means we lose another little bit of Canada. What's next? Replace Don Cherry with Hillary Clinton??

In an exclusive report, just so happens I have the replacement song with the inside track on becoming the new Hockey Night in Canada theme.

Well, it was either that or "Chocolate Rain".

However, If you are still not pissed-off, or sickened by this decision then go here.
If that didn't work then go here.

Now you should be feeling outraged!

Cross posted on Mitchieville

Box office draw to the box office

In a blockbuster battle that divides the nation neatly along gender lines, the eagerly awaited Sex in the City is attempting to steal the crown – or rather battered fedora – from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, the best-selling new release of the year so far, on its opening weekend.

Choices....choices.....sit in a theatre watching some septuagenarian or next to a plethora of giggling vaginas.

Many critics have given Sex and the City lukewarm reviews, with some complaining that, at two and a half hours, it is 30 minutes too long.

I would have expected that to be, two hours longer then it should have been.

In some quarters, Sex and the City's failure to attract anyone but women and gay males to cinemas represents a social malaise. "For reasons that seem symptomatic of a much deeper problem, Sex and the City seems to have become the movie that no man wants to see or at least admit to wanting to see," said Carina Chocano, film critic of the LA Times.

I'll tell you the closest I'll get to this movie is downloading the anal extravaganza "Sex in the Shitty".

No happy feet for Penguins

The Detroit Red Wings wrecked the Pittsburgh Penguins' home-ice advantage and gave themselves a shot to hoist the Stanley Cup in Hockeytown.

Jiri Hudler snapped a third-period tie for the Red Wings, who rallied from an early deficit to beat the Penguins 2-1 Saturday night and grab a 3-1 lead in the finals.

Detroit will get the first of three potential chances to win the Cup back home in Game 5 on Monday night.

Does anyone really care?......Let's look at the picture again. BTW shouldn't it be two girls one cup?


Nyet results

More than 300 Russian servicemen committed suicide last year, despite higher spending and reforms to try to improve army conditions and equipment, the country's chief military prosecutor has said.

Rights groups and some former commanders say the high rate of suicides in the Russian army is caused by a culture of violence and negligence by officers. Hazing, when conscripts are bullied by older soldiers, is rampant and tens of thousands of young men try every year to avoid the compulsory draft.

And it's only going to get worse. I hear they've made watching the Sex in the City movie mandatory.


Summer Olympics give me that spring feeling



Double-amputee sprinter Oscar Pistorius won his appeal to compete for a place in the Beijing Olympics.

The Court of Arbitration for Sport ruled that the 21-year-old South African is eligible to race against able-bodied athletes, overturning a ban imposed by the International Association of Athletics Federations.

I wonder if this hasn't started something......next thing you know they'll be allowing....oh I don't know......little teeny, tiny, body builders and new mothers with their babies to compete.











Cross posted on Mitchieville

And you thought last week was bad

Pig on the lam

Maine's Colby College is having trouble nabbing a pig that's been on the lam on campus for a week.

Spokesman Steve Collins said the "free-range pig" is believed to be a Vietnamese potbellied pig, a type that's become popular as pets.

Collins said the pig has been on the lam since it slipped its leash during a campus cookout. The pig, it should be noted, was not on the menu.

Next week Lamb is a real pig.


What can brown do for you?

A shipment of marijuana from California led to the arrest of a man on drug and gun charges yesterday after he accepted a package at his doorstep from an undercover officer disguised as a UPS delivery person.

Members of the police street narcotics enforcement unit seized a 9 mm Ruger handgun and ammunition kept in a bedroom closet safe after searching the man's home.

I tried that once with Asian hookers....same story.


Bubbling up and over


Picture the Manhattan skyline filled with Nike swooshes. Or the golden arches of McDonald's gently drifting over Los Angeles.

A special-effects entrepreneur from Alabama has come up with a way to fill the sky with foamy clouds as big as 4 feet across and shaped like corporate logos – Flogos, as he calls them.

Francisco Guerra, who's also a former magician, developed a machine that produces tiny bubbles filled with air and a little helium. It forms the foam into shapes and pumps them into the sky.

The Walt Disney Co. will use one of the machines next month to send clouds shaped like Mickey Mouse heads into the air at Walt Disney World in Orlando, Fla., Guerra said.

Sounds like a nightmare I had recently. No wait! Those were Hillary Clinton floating heads.


Horton's hears a hoopla

The latest hiccup for the coffee giant came this week when a downtown Toronto businesswoman said she was scolded by an employee at the King and Victoria Sts. franchise for buying a homeless woman breakfast.

Teresa Lee reportedly saw the pregnant woman being shooed away from a King St. grate by a police officer before offering to buy her breakfast Wednesday morning.

Once inside, the investment manager was reportedly reamed out by an employee for allowing the woman to eat inside.

The ordeal comes just two weeks after single mom Nicole Lilliman lost her Tim Hortons job in London for giving a free Timbit to a customer's child.

After two public relations nightmares in as many weeks, Tim Hortons says it has no plans to change the way it does business.

However, they will be introducing the new Extra Large "Fuck You" Ice Cap for drive thru customers. Can I get butterscotch dribble on that?

Cross posted on Mitchieville

Happy Mudder's Day!

Here are some links for all you mudders out there.

Happy Mudder's Day!

Mutha's Day Out

And who doesn't remember the TV series Aladdin?

Get em while they're hot.

I guess the previous link must be for the Mudder's Day race?

Mudder's milk

Mother's Day?.....well that's something different altogether, but these links use words like "Bombdiggity" and stuff.

Now I got nothin'. I hope you're happy?.....Damn Maritimers!

Happy Moth...er's...Day!


And that doesn't include the sex

If mothers were paid for cooking, cleaning and caring for their families they could easily earn a six-figure salary, according to new calculations.

After asking 18,000 mothers to list their most common tasks such a cooking, cleaning and childcare, a salary compensation company determined the value of their job functions to calculate what they could earn if they were paid.

In Canada the 10 most popular jobs performed by a stay-at-home mother would equate to a C$125,000 ($124,280) salary, including overtime, and almost $75,000 for a working mother, in addition to her real salary.

I hope GIGC doesn't read this, or I'm in deep shit.


If only we knew back in WW2

BERLIN (AP) - A trio of packaged pythons has caused a scare at a German post office. Police in Darmstadt say the snakes were stuffed into a parcel that was handed in for mailing to eastern Germany. It contained two tiger pythons and an albino tiger python of more than 3 feet in length.

A post office worker noticed one of the reptiles on Thursday afternoon after it apparently bit through the package. Colleagues caught the snake and put it in an empty box. Police said Friday that officers then recovered two more snakes from the damaged parcel.

You know, I had a similar incident happen to me when I was in Germany, but it turned out my pants were just too tight.


That really bites

An elderly British woman said she is glad the truth is out since she was found innocent of biting off her neighbor's finger during a spat about flowers.

Pamela Fox, 66, was accused of biting off the finger of neighbor Marija, Four-Fingers, Andric, 51, in a fit of rage concerning her garden, the Daily Telegraph reported Thursday.

Andric said Fox banged on her door and accused her of ruining flowers along the border separating their Maidenhead, England, homes before biting off her finger and running away.

Man.....Don't mess with them Mudders.


Skulduggery

Three teenagers were arrested after two of them told police they dug up a secluded grave north of Houston, removed the skull from the coffin and converted it into a marijuana bong.

Were they already high or something?

Police found a grave in the city of Humble that had been disturbed, but were still investigating the rest of the teens' story, Houston police Sgt. John Chomiak said.

Kevin Wade Jones, 17, and Matthew Richard Gonzalez, 17, both of Kingwood, were arrested Wednesday night and were being held on misdemeanor charges of abuse of a corpse, Chomiak said.

I guess there's new meaning for getting a boner.


So that's where the echo has been coming from

It's a happy Mother's Day for an Arkansas woman - she's pregnant with her 18th child.

Michelle Duggar, 41, is due on New Year's Day, and the latest addition will join seven sisters and 10 brothers. There are two sets of twins.

Her vagina is loving referred to as "Stretch Armstrong" by her husband I'll bet.

Cross-posted on Mitchieville

Clemens denys putting rocket into 15 year-old

You might have thought Roger Clemens would have done just about everything he could possibly do to destroy his reputation over the last few months. Showing up in the Mitchell Reporter, crashing and burning in his last start as a Yankee, looking like a fool in front of Congress. What could be worse than all that? Oh, I dunno ... how about ... starting a 10-year affair with a 15-year-old country music singer?

She sure is purdy.....What, did Clemens hit her with a fast ball? Take first base baby.

Mindy McCready is a country singer who sang "Guys Do It All the Time," which was apparently some sort of country hit. Anyway, she's had a ton of personal problems in the last few years; this photo was taken she was arrested after a fight with her mom. She had a OxyContin addiction, once stole a truck and forced the driver to act as a hostage and tried to kill herself at least twice. It's the type of thing that might result from starting to date Roger Clemens when you were 15.

However, it's also the stuff great country singles are made of.

The New York Daily News has Clemens' denial, but minces few words.

Obviously, Clemens believes in the theory that if there's grass on the field, play ball.


Mike's Hard on the minor

A couple temporarily lost custody of their son after the father accidentally bought him an alcoholic lemonade drink at a baseball game.

This isn't about Roger Clemens again is it?

When Christopher Ratte bought his son Leo, 7, lemonade at a Detroit Tigers game, he did not expect to face an accusation of negligence and lose his son to foster care.

Ratte, a professor of archaeology at the University of Michigan, purchased a beer for himself and a bottle of lemonade for his son, not realizing that the lemonade was actually Mike’s Hard Lemonade, an alcoholic beverage.

Those professor fellers sure am smrt.


Iran ban on Barbie


The Iranian government's recent ban on Barbie dolls shows the government's desire to move away from the West. The blonde bombshell was added to the growing list of Western things Iran has banned. General, Ghorban Ali Dori Najafabadi, expressed his desire to protect Iran's "Islamic culture".

What's next? Ironman? Grand Theft Auto IV? This madness must end!

Cheque this out

A North Texas man- who was not Roger Clemens- was arrested last week for trying to cash a $360 billion check, saying he wanted to start a record business. Tellers at the Fort Worth bank were immediately suspicious.

Perhaps the 10 zeros on a personal check tipped them off?


Friday was: International Tuba Day

The first Friday in May is a day to appreciate all things related to tubas.

Does that include a tuba toothpaste?


Seven things the average guy will do this weekend.

Play GTA IV For 40 Hours without sleeping or showering.

Build a working suit out of metal and fight crime as a tribute to the Iron Man movie.

Get pulled over by the police for driving erratically because you've been playing GTA IV.

Try and pick up some ladies. Unfortunately, girls don't go for a guy who smells like dirty cheese, is wearing a suit made of metal and is carrying a tuba. That's OK they were only 15 anyway.

Drink yourself into a haze after realizing that you have wasted so much time crafting your suit of armor.

Grab some Arby's, because secretly, everyone is thinking Arby's.

Shower and get some sleep because you smell terrible and look like garbage after playing GTA IV for 40 hours.

Cross posted on Mitchieville.

Blade gets tax trinity

Wesley Snipes was sentenced to 3 years in prison Thursday for failing to file tax returns, and a victory for prosecutors who sought to make an example of the action star.

U.S. District Judge William Terrell Hodges said Snipes exhibited a "history of contempt over a period of time" for U.S. tax laws, and granted prosecutors the sentence they requested — one year for each of Snipes' convictions of willfully failing to file a tax return from 1999-2001.

Three years on the inside...ouch! Does that mean he'll be known as the Gay Blade when he comes out?

Get off yer arse!

A new survey has revealed that British people spend more than 36 years of their life on their bums.

Are you listening Wesley.....You only have to spend the next three years on yours.

The poll conducted on over 2000 adults by a British Skin Foundation Sanex has shown that Britons spend most of their time sitting down.

According to Mirror, Brits spend 22 hours and 54 minutes every week sitting in front of the television.

They spend 21 hours and 48 minutes sitting in front of their computer and two hours and 35 minutes every week on the toilet.

I know a few people who would wreck the stats on toilet duration.


These shoes were made for growìn`

If you ever cursed your kid for growing out of his, or her shoes too quickly never fear.

Built right into INCHworm shoes is the iFit technology. The iFit technology allows you to GROW the size of the shoe with a simple push of the button. So eliminate unnecessary trips to the shoe store and provide your children with better fitting shoes that last up to three sizes longer.

Of course, it costs three times as much.

Inchworm shoes grow in half size increments. Just push the button on the side, and pull the toe of the shoe to adjust into the next size.

You know I have to ask it. What about condoms.......


Ei Caramba (part 1)

The Simpsons has been banned in Venezuela by President Hugo Chavez, because the animated TV show is "unsuitable for children."

Have you seen it lately? It's unsuitable for everyone. Jump the shark already!

The long-running cartoon has been replaced after Chavez deemed it contained "messages that go against the whole education of boys, girls and adolescents."

Elba Guillen, a spokesperson for Televen TV, the Venezuelan network that airs The Simpsons, says, "It had to be taken off. The government considers it to be a series that isn't appropriate for that time because it isn't appropriate for children."

I agree. Children of Venezuela need to be out in the streets amid the protests and the violence. Bravo Chavez....Bravo!


Ei Caramba (part 2)

Rescuers reached a cluster of brightly colored helium party balloons floating in the ocean off Brazil's coast Tuesday but did not find the Roman Catholic priest who had been using them in a bid to set a flight record.

Man you just can't write shit like this.

Rev. Adelir Antonio di Carli remained missing after lifting off from the port city of Paranagua on Sunday strapped to hundreds of helium-filled balloons in a bid to break a record for the longest time in-flight using party balloons. He was wearing a helmet, aluminum thermal flight suit, water proof coveralls and parachute.

He planned to use the money raised in his attempt to break the 19-hour record to fund a "spiritual" rest-stop for truckers in Paranagua, home to Brazil's largest grain port.

I guess the practical question at this point is: Should I cancel the helium balloon priest I have booked for my nephew's birthday party next week?

Up, up and away, in my beautiful, my beautiful balloo....ahhhhhhhh!

cross-posted on Mitchieville

A Strange future indeed

Forget this week. Just forget it! Disregard the code blue water consumption messages sent out. Never mind the climbing gas prices. Turn a blind eye to that frickin’ Polygamist Texas compound where the uni-browed women all look eerily the same and will all be played by Glenn Close in a Movie-of-the-week.

The future is far more alarming. That’s right. Ol’ Strange is going to take a gaze into his crystal ball and show you the future- 20 years into the future to be exact.

April 2028:
Guns and Roses finally released the long awaited “Chinese Democracy” album this month, but does anyone still care? Axl Rose pictured here was said to be mildly ecstatic before he crapped his pants and his diaper needed to be changed. The original line up was set to tour until Slash broke his hip last month when he fell from his motorized scooter on the way to Time-Warner-Walmart.

Oh eau!

Price of water hit an all-time high this week topping out at $108 a bottle. Arab nations screamed foul when the much sought after commodity spiked yesterday.
A spokesman for the industry said, "If only we had heeded those warnings to conserve water way-back-when, we wouldn't be having this problem." He also warned water could go as high as $140 a litre.

Naked Gun dead at age 102

Leslie Nielson died this week when he was killed in a freak gardening accident. The actor best known for his rolls in the "Naked Gun" & "Airplane" movies also had an unprecedented list of awards to his credit, the last being, "Mr. Nude New Brunswick 2027", an award he garnered just last year.

Clinton/Obama sex scandal finally revealed.

It had long been speculated. In fact, since the 2008 presidential campaign the whispers had steadily grown. Now twenty years after the fact, damaging evidence has surfaced pointing to a torrid love affair that lasted years between Clinton and Obama. Yet, even with this new information, Bill denies having "sex with that man".

Open up case #17

President Howie Mandel, now serving his second term, has had a hard month, not only has he had to deal with the Mexican Peso surpassing the U.S. Dollar, but all-time public concern to finally bring home U. S. troops.

President Mandel said he will issue the order that will see the first wave of infantry returning from Antarctica- believed to be the last known hiding place of Taliban rebels and weapons of mass destruction- by January 2029.

President Mandel also stated he believed the long conflict would finally end with a new offer from the Banker.......Osama......Deal or No Deal!

Cross-posted on Mitchieville

What's old is New Kids on the Block again

After more than a decade apart, New Kids on the Block has reunited for a new album and world tour.

The five original KNotB members appeared Friday morning on The Today Show, following earlier rumors of a reunion to celebrate the twentieth anniversary of their album Hangin’ Tough.

That sound you hear is the tremor of the twitching clitoris.

You take the high risk and I'll be in Scotland before you

It was revealed this week, young men take high risk investment decisions when they are sexually stimulated by erotic images or thoughts.

Yeah, It's called a Strip Club. That's why I never come out of there with money.

This was revealed when researchers studied human thoughts and MRI brain scan images of investors when they took high risk greedy and risky decisions.

So, what I'm to understand is.....my broker surfs porn all day then gets me to blow my money?


Now you can have your "Sex in the Shitty"

Does the sight of shoe-obsessed, cocktail-swilling, completely unbelievable New York women get you all hot and bothered? Then you'll want to get the new Sarah Jessica Parker/Carrie Bradshaw blow-up sex doll. A company called Pipedream Products has created the bizarre sex toy, which is clad in a sequined dress and holds a little martini glass in its hand.....

....that will probably rattle sadly, like a rope against a flagpole in high winds, as you mash your genitals into it while lying on the futon in your parents' finished basement.

They're only $20! What a steal!

It's funny, a few weeks back in my clairvoyant fashion I posted a blog on blowup dolls designed to apparently look like celebrities, (see the J Lo blow up doll).


As unrealistic as these inflatable 3- love-tunneled balloons may seem, SJP is none too pleased and may sue the manufacturer for ripping off her likeness pictured here.

You know what? I think she has a case.




Get your filthy hands off me you damn dirty coroner

Charlton Heston, died last Saturday night at 84, was a towering figure both in his politics and on screen, where his characters had the ear of God (Moses in “The Ten Commandments”), survived apocalyptic plagues (“The Omega Man”) and endured one of Hollywood’s most-grueling action sequences (the chariot race in “Ben-Hur,” which earned him the best-actor Academy Award).

Better known in recent years as a fierce gun-rights advocate who headed the National Rifle Association, Heston played legendary leaders and ordinary men hurled into heroic struggles.

Does this mean he'll get a 21 gun salute?

One of the biggest box-office draws of the 1950s, ‘60s and ‘70s, Heston’s work dwindled largely to small parts and narration and other voice roles from the 1980s on, including an uncredited cameo as an ape in Tim Burton’s 2001 remake of “Planet of the Apes.”

He was the consummate leading man. He was tall, he was handsome, he was sensitive, he was gruff when he had to be.

Can the Charlton Heston blow-up doll be far behind?

Shudder to think.

Cross-posted on Mitchieville