The best gift is the one you never have to give

How do you do that Strange, you ask yourself?

Well, I’ll tell you.

So, you don’t have a lot of money to burn this Christmas. My friends, I was in the same boat a few years back and I just gave everyone on my list IOU’s for GNR’s Chinese Democracy.

I said as soon as it’s released you’ll get your gift. Eight years later, I’m happy to report this thing is still not out. In fact, Axl Rose just fired his manager and the release date was pushed back yet again.
The bumbling and botching of this album is like Apocalypse Now and Water World rolled into one giant disaster— long overdue and grossly over budget. Even Sly has got Rocky back in the public consciousness sooner. The second coming of Christ might take place before you see this disc on store shelves.

I’m telling you this debacle may never see the light of day. It’s a can’t lose Christmas gift for those who want to avoid emptying the pocket book.

The Iceman leaveth

First of all, I have no answer as to why the YouTube from YouTube Tuesday looks like a condom in a snowstorm. Just click it. It works.....I think?

But that's not why I'm here today. I'm here to tell you more "blah,blah,blah" about our melting polar ice caps and global warming.

Hey! Don't shoot the messenger. I'm just passing along the projection that by 2040--- or there abouts--- Santa isn't going to have a home. It's all here if you need to take a look. They say shit like:

If greenhouse gases continue to build at their current rate, the study found, the Arctic's ice cover would go through periods of stability followed by abrupt retreat.

One simulation projects that by 2040, only a small amount of perennial ice would remain on the north coasts of Greenland and Canada during the summer months.

So,the rest would look like this.




Merry Christmas darling. Could you turn up the air conditioning and put out Ol' St. Nick's milk and SPF 5000?

It's all about milk, chips & cookies

With Christmas just a mere 2,160,000 seconds away, there seems to be controversy swirling around the use of unpasteurized, or raw milk. And you should really know the poop before you leave out a glass or two for Ol’ St. Nick.

On one hand, health officials warn of E-coli, and a visit from your favorite relatives Sam and Ella if you pull up a bar stool and get it on tap directly from the cow.

On the other side, farmers complain of loss of taste and nutrients once the pasteurizing process is complete.

Personally, I don’t give a rat’s ass. I don’t drink milk.

*

Tis the season for Debit Card theft. So much so, the banks are getting all Scrooge McDuck on counterfeiter’s by introducing a new electronic chip to cards for 2007. The Debit cards will be much harder to forge and save the industry/ consumers billions in stolen revenue.

Personally, I don’t give a rat’s ass. I seldom use my debit card.

*

It appears some female celebrities alla Brittany, Paris, Lindsay, are in the Christmas spirit. They’ve taken the giving mood one step further with the paparazzi and the adoring public, by wearing short skirts minus the underwear, so all may catch a glimpse of a catcher’s mitt Johnny Bench would be proud of.

Do you know what I’m saying? A little whiff of Tuna Town, the winking pink, some clitoral bubble-gum.

Health officials warn this practice is not only uncouth, but dangerous— not as dangerous as unpasteurized milk mind you, but this is the notorious trio we’re talking about who have ground more sausage than Schneider’s.

Certainly someone like Jennifer Aniston would be ok. Her quiff would conjure up images of kittens and fresh baked cinnamon rolls.

Personally, I don’t give a rat’s ass. I haven’t munched on a decent cookie in some time. But that’s not really my call is it?

Ripper a new one

Jack The Ripper: The First Serial Killer, which aired last night, showed how the composite of the prostitute killer was created by a Metropolitan Police analyst using 118-year-old witness statements.

Wow! Where did they find people so old?









Pictured above, the notorious Victorian serial killer Jack the Ripper was a stocky 30 year old with a moustache, receding hairline and bushy eyebrows, according to a composite drawing created for a British documentary.


Or in other words. Jack the Ripper was really Freddie Mercury.


"It's a popular misconception that nobody ever saw the murderer, that he just vanished into the fog of London," former Metropolitan Police commander John Grieve said in a statement.

No doubt after an encore of Bohemian Rhapsody and We Will Rock You.....sing it! We will, we will rock you......(sorry, got carried away there).

"Well that's just not right. There were witnesses at the time who were highly thought of by the police."

I bet I would have made a reliable witness, because strangly enough, OBJ looks very much like the composite sketch of the killer. Although his M.O. only fits if you think of the Ripper as synonyous with flatulence.

One Ball Joe the Ripper

New release this week

Snoop Dogg- Tha Blue Carpet Treatment.

But I recommend- El Dipsy Doodle

There's a reason why they put a fence up at the Mexican border ya know.

Run for the border

Ok...well at least watch.

Now you can keep vigil for the United States Government by signing up here and viewing hours upon hours of desert, fence, and cacti....oh and perhaps the odd Sanchez making a run for the land of opportunity to pick lettuce for $1.50 an hour. It's all accessible on line.

I don’t know if I’d sit and watch something like this as if it were a Hollywood blockbuster or the camera in the apartment lobby. I imagine there are some out there who would. Patriotic Americans sharpening their knives and loading their automatics as I speak.

Perhaps if the U.S. of A. Is serious about this and want everyone watching in prime-time, then they should offer an incentive program. I don’t know.......maybe for every immigrant you catch you get air-miles, or a dollar off tainted Hershey chocolate/ spinach/......insert favorite E-coli digestible product here______.

Hey, I'm just trying to think outside the bun.

Digitally trimming the fat

So I’m back, and yes, I had a wonderful mini vacation. It was more fun than getting a new job and a phone number no one knows. However, the first thing I see when I return and sit down at the computer console is a story for a new digital camera. It films you as you are, but then subtracts weight so you look nice and trim to others.

Kind of like setting phasers to stunning.

Just think of the possibilities. You can now get rid of those grad photos of yourself on the dating websites and replace them with the new updated slim, fit, irresistible you.

Yes! Let’s all unleash our inner Nicole Richie and worry about plopping our true Orca selves down in front of that someone special later. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.


Tomorrow: digital cameras that make your baby’s head look bigger.

K. Fed up to here

So, as everyone in the non-terrorist world knows by now, Brittany has decided to finally bring the axe down on her relationship with K. Fed after two kids and miles of bullshit from the would-be rap king.

But let’s look at this without the animosity, and the boo-hoos, and the, "all your crap is on the front lawn", littered with expletives.

I’m going to say something now I thought, never in a million years, I would.

I'm going to say........Federline is one smart son of a bitch. In fact, not since John Mark Karr, the guy who claimed he killed JonBenet Ramsey, then walked away free as a pair of double D's in a porno, has there been someone more brilliant.

In Federline's case, he'll get more than a first-class flight and 15 minutes of media attention. Palimony, my brothers. That's what it's all about. Try to catch a whiff of the aroma. Smells sweet, don't it?

What guy wouldn’t want to live the rest of his life supported by a rich sugar-momma. And after two kids and a sullied career, it’s an uphill climb for Brittany.

So kudos to Kevin. The smartest man on the planet....oh until 4:17 this afternoon when he does something completely stupid.

New release this week

Wow! Today certainly was a goldmine of nonsense wasn’t it? 4 extra posts.

As always, there is a method to the daily verbal excrement. I’ll be heading to the Mayor’s hidden retreat with GIGC for some VIP R&R on the DL, and to plot campaign strategies for the coming months. See you Monday.

But before I go, I can’t disregard my weekly duties.

New this week: Kevin Federline- Playing With Fire

How appropriate.

But I recommend Chicken Coupe de Ville.

And yes, Brittany already has his number.

Don't beat your meat, send it back

At first I thought someone had been whizzing into the containers again. Then I heard, the would-be urinaters have raised the bar. Putting away their love muscle and opting for syringes which were found on the premises at a Maple Leaf processing plant in Kitchener.

Kind of gives new meaning to the term, "I poked that shaved ham with my beef syringe", doesn't it?

To err on the side of caution, a recall has been implemented. Go here to find out if the ham you slam qualifies.

What's next? I suppose someone will drive the Ol' skin bus into Tuna Town and they'll be recalling fish.

Dolphin does have a leg to stand on

When I heard this story, I don't mind telling you I was a little creeped out by it. Not since the "help me, help me!" ending of the original Fly have I been so affected. A dolphin with the remains of legs? Now that's just fucked up.

First they beat the Bears in Chicago, now this. The whole world's gone mad I tells ya. MAD!

Say, although we still have the Monday game to go, I didn't do too badly picking the games this weekend like a woman who knows nothing about football. I mean how many of you picked Miami and San Fran to win? But I digress.

Anyway the story's here if you care to read it. Sorry, I'm still waiting for the chocolate.

Losing news and reviews you can't possibly use

You may have noticed— or then again, maybe you haven’t cause you're blind, or dead, or just lost a toe in the blender, or you have more important things to do than listen to a madman rant— I have been blogging more frequently.

Seems I have more time on my hands of late. So, I’m going to shoot for a once a day Blog, or comparable to one third of my daily masturbatory schedule, until further notice.

Days when I’m feeling lethargic you’ll know because I’ll just post some mindless link. However, it is my intention to form some thematic presentations that will create some regular patronage like, "Holy Christ it’s pictures of Chuck Norris eating chocolate off a different animals asshole Mondays over at Strangedaze. I can’t miss that. *click*

For the diehards who find change awkward, even fear it like clowns, or midgets wearing diapers, I will endeavor to at least post the newly released albums and my alternate recommendations for your listening pleasure. Thus maintaining the weekend stapple you have come to expect.

New release this week: Foo Fighters are fighting the foo once again with Skin And Bones.








But I recommend The Handsome Beasts- Beastiality

















I know, I know.....that's not Chuck Norris and you're asking yourself, "where's the chocolate?"

I said, wait til Monday!

Mel does it for Love

Courtney Love says she has been clean and sober for months, thanks to Mel Gibson. Apparently, Mad Max broke in when she was using. He supervised an intervention and got Courtney into rehab. Love states now, she "no longer has the desire to do drugs".

However, I'll bet her feelings toward Jews has been tainted somewhat.

It's all about T&A

First on the ass end of things:

The McCartney/Mills split is getting uglier. McCartney already stands to lose millions of pounds, (British curency), in the settlement. Now, Heather Mills has announced after the alleged beatings she took at the hands of Sir Paul, she would like to become a spokesperson for violence against women.

Subsequently, McCartney has also announced he would like to get involved with the Society for Emasculated Men Bilked out of Wealth by One-Legged Gold Diggers, or SEMBWOLGD for short.

Coming to a Holmes near you

Tom Cruise has stated he’s getting married to Katie Holmes November 18th in Italy.

Except for the people of Woodbridge, may I suggest you get the plastic covers back on your couches immediately.

More baby momma drama

Authorities are investigating whether Anna Nicole Smith legally obtained permanent residency in the Bahamas and.....

Madonna says she is "disappointed" by media coverage of her bid to adopt a Malawian baby, saying it will discourage others from doing the same.

Yawn. Ok, let's move on to the boobs.

Breast wishes
From Loretta Nall, a Libertarian candidate running for the Governor in Alabama, with a classic T-shirt depicting her well endowed attributes with the caption of, "more of these boobs" and pictures of her opponents underneath reading, "and less of these boobs."

She's got my support. Vote Nall Y'all!

Big losers

As if losing on the boob tube wasn’t enough, soon you’ll be able to watch the Toronto Maple Leafs lose in HD on a fifty-foot screen at your local theater....oh, and be prepared to fork over $10 to $12 to see it.

Mammaries of the way we were

Since being diagnosed with breast cancer and having surgery, songstress Cheryl Crowe has announced, her next album will feature only songs about breasts.

Really, I’m not making this up.

Weighting to find an answer

Unable to put on weight and losing T&A quicker than a gay man in a french brothel, Nicole Richie has decided to undergo diagnostic treatment to determine why she's not putting on the pounds.

Maybe she should give Heather Mills a call? After her divorce is finalized, Mills will have plenty of pounds to spare.....that's a call-back to the British money thing.....you see?.....Oh, never mind.

Spokeswoman Nicole Perna in a statement yesterday added that the daughter of singer Lionel Richie was "working with a team of doctors and specialists whose focus is nutrition".

Perhaps if Nicole didn’t throw up after she ate there'd be no need?

The star's publicist also stressed that her client was not being treated for an eating disorder.

Did I mention, perhaps if Nicole didn't throw up after she ate there'd be no need?

Combat concubines

A Dutch mayor has raised eyebrows by backing the idea of sending prostitutes to accompany Dutch troops on foreign missions.

"The army must consider ways its soldiers can let off steam," Annemarie Jorritsma, mayor of the town of Almere in central Netherlands and a close friend to the Mayor of Mitchieville, told Dutch television.

"There was once the suggestion that a few prostitutes should accompany troops on missions. I think that is something we should talk about," she said, adding that the prostitutes would keep soldiers from turning to local women.

Why not take it a step further and send the working girls to the enemy. Then attack when they're all busy searching for 80 gilder? (Gilder is like pounds to the Dutch.......ah, just forget it.)

Clap for the elderly
Doctors said sexually transmitted diseases among senior citizens are running rampant at a popular Central Florida retirement community, according to a Local 6 News report.

A gynecologist at a community near Orlando, Fla., said she treats more cases of herpes and the human papilloma virus in the retirement community than she did in the city of Miami.

And you didn't want to kiss your Grandmother before all this.

Damn you Viagra!

New release this week: Deftones- Saturday Night Wrist

But I recommend: The Electric Amish- A Hard Day's Work

What? Still too soon?

Don't sink my battleship

The United States is currently tracking a North Korean ship suspected of carrying military equipment that left Pyongyang this week, but have not yet boarded the vessel.

What a co-inky-dink, I'm currently tracking the Postman suspected of sleeping with GIGC and carrying military equipment in his pants. And as far as boarding? That ship has sailed my friends.

Babs like budder

Barbara Streisand played in the Big Smoke for the first time ever.

I heard it was a good show, but personally, I don’t care what dairy product you compare her to. I’m more concerned with the prices of tickets for the event and the number of kids who won’t be going to university now because of it.

Taking the dink out of drinking

Ontario is considering adopting legislation to allow people in clubs to take their alcoholic drinks with them to the bathroom. It is hoped this will curb the increasing number of date-rape incidents.

However, I bet the number of ingested urine-tainted mojitos will be on the rise.

God damn it! Now how am I going to get chicks?

Little Caesar....big investment

Little Caesar’s entrepreneur Mike Ilitch, owner of both the Detroit Tigers and the hockey Red Wings, has released a block of World Series tickets to rabid fans anxious to watch their team play the St. Louis Cardinals.

The catch is you also have to purchase 30 home-game Red Wing tickets.

Probably have to commit to 4 years of pizza once a week and dip your scrotum in battery acid while hooking your nipples up to a 220 volt feed. Or maybe you can swap your Streisand tickets for them?

Double 00 heaven

If you’re a chick with the ass of a 10 year-old boy, or you have breasts resembling bee stings. Or maybe you generally have a whole prison-camp survivor-vibe going on, now there’s hope.

With people like Nicole Richie in mind, the fashion industry has introduced a new size, 00 for teenie, tiny, teenie, thin, tiny women.

The fall classic

November is considered the most dangerous time for pedestrians who get hit by vehicles.

The study concluded, due to cell phone use, weather conditions and general malaise, pedestrians were more likely to be struck, Tuesday to Friday, in the hours between 3 and 7 PM, especially if they had World Series tickets on them.

Now that’s specific.

What a Rush

The prog-rock experiments of the band Rush are among works that should be preserved for future generations, says a committee tasked with saving the best in Canadian television, radio, film and music.

The band's 1976 album "2112," a unique blend of classic rock and synthesizers that made Rush a sensation both in Canada and the United States, is one of 12 cultural pieces named Thursday as MasterWorks by the Audio-Visual Preservation Trust.

Also chosen this year is what's considered Canada's first homegrown TV hit, "The Pig & Whistle."

Wow.....The Pig & Whistle too? You gotta be feeling pretty special right now if you're a member of Rush.

Going for the long (dirty) bomb

The perceived terrorist threat, of dirty bombs being detonated in seven football stadiums this Sunday, turned out to be a hoax.

Apparently, it was just a contest between two authors, over the internet, on who could come up with the scariest scenario.

How about dowsing your scrotum in battery acid while hooking your nipples up to a 220 volt feed? Now that’s scary.

However, let’s look at this realistically in a hypothetical way.

Disclaimer-
The following statements are the ravings of Gus the Homeless Guy and should, in no way, be misinterpreted as actual fact related to Chris Strange, Dickie the Greek, Mambo the Sports Monkey, the Mayor of Mitchieville, or any other persons living or dead who would make such asinine allegations.

First of all, lets just forget about Minnisota vs Seattle, Carolina vs Cincinnati, Philadelphia vs Tampa, and San Diego vs K.C. If you’re a terrorist you’re not going to make a bold statement by attacking those games.

odds 100-1

Also, Arizona vs Oakland? You’re doing the league a favor by taking the Raiders out of the equation. I’d rather be forced to listen to details of the time Streisand had sex with former Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau than have to watch these two teams play.

odds 80-1

Pittsburgh vs Atlanta- Remember the Olympics? Attacking Atlanta, even although, as mentioned in the disclamer, in a fictional way, is so overdone.

odds 75-1

Denver vs Cleveland. You ever get to Cleveland? What a hole. Blowing things up there would be an improvement. Believe me. And I’d start with that mistake called the Rockin’ Roll Hall of Fame.

odds 50-1

New England vs Buffalo. This is another longshot. Didn't you read about the snow last week? Haven’t the people of Buffalo suffered enough? I mean they have to live there.

odds 25-1 and that's only because they're playing the Patriots.

Monday’s game Giants at Dallas is also not a good bet. Especially, if something happened in Sunday's games. Not that it would because, once again, none of this is real.

0dds 1000-1

That leaves the best bets for the over/under as....

Detroit vs Jets. Emblematic of all that is American: Detroit, New York. In fact, the only ones who would have no idea a disaster happened, would be the people of Detroit, who are too enthralled with watching the Tigers in the World Series and eating Ilitch's pizza.

odds even

Green Bay vs Miami. Good cross-over potential with this game between the Packers and the Dolphins. It would also anger animal activists and the makers of dairy products.

odds 2-1

Jacksonville vs Houston. Anything to fuck with Bush’s mind would be considered a victory and since Monday’s game is off the agenda, a strike in the heart of Texas is mandatory.

odds even

Washington vs Indy- The nation’s capitol vs the only undefeated team playing this week? The best odds. Where do I wager my fictional money?

*knock knock* Oh....the FBI agents are here.....gotta run.....

New release this week: Paul Stanley- Live to Win

but I recommend: Radio Pyongyang.......or perhaps I should wait until the ship is searched before I make any further recommendations?

Halloween comes early

Is it October 31st already? I mean, this week looks like a line-up of B horror films and I'm not talking about The Grudge 2.

It Came From The Supermarket

First it’s killer spinach, then lettuce, now a couple lay in hospital, paralyzed, from drinking carrot juice tainted with botchilism.

- Aren't vegetables supposed to be healthy? Fuck me! I'm frying everything in pig fat from now on.

Death From Above

Cory Lidle, pitcher for the New York Yankees, throws the ultimate strike and crashes his plane into a luxury condo, killing himself and his flight instructor.

- It used to be, God’s way of telling you, you had too much money was, you’d develop a cocaine addiction and just O.D.

The Omega Man Revisted

The U.N. Security council debated what sanctions should be placed on North Korea as punisment for continued nuclear testing, as an underground experiment was conducted this week.

Some ideas that have been thrown out because they may be perceived as an act of war were:

Sending Bulgarian strippers to work in the capital of Pyongyang.
Bombarding Kim Jong Il’s home town with Walmarts, McDonalds and Starbucks.
Secretly snatching all dogs from North Korea and destroying the food infrastructure in the process.
Exporting all carrot juice tainted with botchilism to North Korean high officials in boxes marked "Yummy".

Friday the 13th: Jason Rides A Harley

A swarm of bikers descended on the peaceful town of Port Dover in a Friday the 13th ritual.

I would have gone but I seem to have misplaced my assless leather chaps....oh, and I don't own a motorcycle.

The Rampage of Old Man Winter

On Thursday, 53.5 centimetres of heavy snow set the record for the "snowiest" October day in Buffalo in the 137-year history of the weather service. The previous record of 38 centimetres was set Oct. 31, 1917.

The freak killer snow downed scores of tree limbs and toppled power lines.

Man! This is really going to kill Buffalo tourism. *snap*

Catastrophic pictures of this event are posted below.

So, what’s next? I suppose. Our house pets could rise up against us and kill us all in our sleep with power tools and sharp objects?

Revenge of the Housepets From Hell

It’s all fun and games until someone loses a colon
Of course you knew it was about the Sky City Casino Jalapeno eating contest, didn't ya?

Winner, Pat "Deep Dish" Bertoletti from Chicago, ate 177 to claim the championship. He beat out 14 other competitors including Rich "The Locust" LaFevre, and Don "Mosses" Lerman, who guaranteed victory beforehand.
The Jalapeno champion Bertoletti said later, he couldn’t feel his face. It had gone numb.

Well, Deep Dish, I guarantee you’ll feel your asshole tomorrow.

Do let the bedbugs bite
A woman is suing an Ellenville New York hotel after she, and her husband, woke up covered in blood soaked sheets. They’d been bitten repeatedly by bed bugs.

You know, that's what I tell GIGC when she wakes up in the middle of the night bleeding from the ass......What do you mean, "that's disgusting"? You should see my penis.

In fact, the woman and her husband discovered the hotel room was infested with them.

I guess she didn't notice the sign entering town: Welcome to Ellenville, National home of the bed bug.

She is suing for 20 million in damages.

20 million? Holy snapping arseholes. Where do I sign-up? Bite away ya little buggers.

Everyone into the pool
Every week GIGC, when she isn't bleeding from the ass, plays the pro-picks football pool. A ticket where one must guess correctly, all the winners from that week’s NFL line-up.

The payout can be anywhere from $5,000 to $350,000 green backs. Earlier this year five people split the pot and took home a cool $35,000 each.

As I stated GIGC plays, and this week came within a whisper of getting them all right. Only THAT BASTARD! Brett Farve of the Green Bay Packers foiled her chances with a fumble in the dying moments of the game, handing an unlikely victory to the St. Louis Rams from the jaws of defeat.

GIGC, rightly so, was devastated.

Thousands of dollars gone like that. *snaps fingers*

Until we learned the next day almost 6,000 people possessed a winning ticket and took home a whopping $84.00 each.

Game on!
Emergeny rooms have noted a 33% increase in males following a sporting event. The study concluded, men simply will not go to emergency when sporting events are on, preferring to remain with whatever injuries they have until after the game is finished.

Wow! What we won't do for $84.00.

Personally, I remember once, The Mayor of Mitchieville waited until the end of the Stanley Cup Playoffs before he had a severed limb reattached. Now that my friends, is dedication.

YouTube, YouRich
Google Inc. announced that it has agreed to acquire YouTube, the consumer media company for people to watch and share original videos through a Web experience, for $1.65 billion in a stock-for-stock transaction.

The acquisition combines one of the largest and fastest growing online video entertainment communities with Google's expertise in organizing information and creating new models for advertising on the Internet.

Not bad for two guys who started this thing out of their garage a year and a half ago.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some nuclear tests to conduct in the crawl space under my house. Hey, maybe I can sell my weapon to Google in a year or so?

New Release this week: Diddy - Press Play

But I recommend: Ken- By Request Only.

Come on, Ken......or Diddy? Seems like an easy choice to me.

You know, I think I had a hair helmet and suit like that for my grade 8 graduation.

Note: Amish week has been postponed

First of all, there will be no jokes about the Amish this week. Not only would it be inappropriate, but it simply wouldn't be funny.

However, Woody Allen said, "tragedy plus time equals humour". So I imagine, somewhere down the line, someone will have something to say about the whole mess, but it won't be this week, and it won't be here. Besides, when you have someone like Mark Foley running around Capitol Hill trying to get it on with young pages, who needs the Amish?

Hey kid you want to see the Washington Monument?

House Republican leaders struggled Monday to contain the political fallout as more sexually charged electronic banter between Rep. Mark Foley and teenage pages emerged.

While conceding that Foley had inappropriate communications with pages and former pages, attorney David Roth said Foley had "never, ever had an inappropriate sexual contact with a minor in his life."

"He is absolutely, positively not a pedophile," Roth said.

I guess we'll have to wait for Foley's autobiography, "Rectum? Damn near killed him," to find out the real truth.

Get your freak on

Wednesday was the most entertaining night in the Big Smoke that we've had in sometime.

NO, not because it's the start of hockey season and the Leafs once again stunk out the joint in front of many a sushi eating, high-tax-bracket, suit-wearing, BlackBerry using, Non- Amish Bay streeter, nor was it due to the season premier of "Lost" or the baseball playoffs.

It was because, the circus has come to town, or in other words, the first mayoral debate for the Toronto municipal election took place, featuring all the candidates....well 28 out of the 39 anyway. Some in capes, others in bright purple suits, or costumes of one sort or another.

It's too bad it won't be a closer race as I would look forward to holistic healing for everyone, or joining the federation of planets, or calling a twenty-three year-old Mayor....but that's just me.

Penguins get rimmed!

I bet I have your attention at least, but the tag line is nowhere near as sinister as it sounds and it doesn’t involve Mark Foley. Nor does it come with a voice-over by Morgan Freeman- "Sadly...(pause)...the screeching penguins progeny....(pause)...were bound tautly.....(pause)....separated from their mothers and forced to bend forward....(pause) their beaks....(pause) now scarcely positioned inches from the ice.....(pause)....Awaiting a terrible wet decent from above.

Jim Balsillie, the billionaire owner of Waterloo's RIM (Research In Motion) and creator of the BlackBerry, has bought the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Hey, how long before he moves the team to Kitchener/Waterloo, calls them the BlackBerries and puts an Octoberfest sausage crest on the sweater?

It would still be better than Buffalo Sabre's new Donald Trump hair-piece logo.

Water, water everywhere

So drink it, and stop pouring your money down the drain on bottled water.

Especially "Walkerton Crystal Clear"

Toronto has one of the best filtration systems and rigorous testing analysis in the world.

Very rarely will I get a floater coming out of the tap.

A Nobel cause

So they'll give out the big prize next Friday. The Nobel Peace Prize that is. But what many don't know is there are also awards given for the weird and wacky called the Ig Nobel Prize.

Like the guys who won for their work on itches you can' t scratch. Or the guy who invented the mosquito, a device emitting a frequency only teens can here that acts as a repellent to keep them away.

I wonder if that's the same guy who just invented the cell phone that screams when it's stolen?

Others of note who have been lucky enough to win this prize include.

The person who invented a flame-throwing car alarm.
Another who made it possible to rent the entire country of Liechtenstein for parties.
And a pair of televangelists who discovered that black holes qualify as the location of hell.
A team that published a paper titled "An Analysis of the Forces Required to Drag Sheep over Various Surfaces."
And Troy Hurtubise of North Bay, Ontario, who created and personally tested a 147 pound grizzly bear-proof armor suit. (pictured)

All may have wished for a Nobel Prize, but they got an Ig Nobel instead.

What happens in Vegas....

Hugh Hefner has just opened a new Playboy Club in the city of sin. What' s next. I suppose they' ll be auctioning off Hitler' s watercolors......what? They already did that?....Ok I suppose they' ll be auctioning off Cher memorabilia then.

Cher and Cher alike

Cher is auctioning off some of her stuff. At first, it was just to be some outfits and wigs, you know, tour/ Oscar/ nightclub memorabilia.

However, due to the overwhelming response, the lot size has increased three fold. She has added furniture, bed linens, used dental floss, table scraps, and several pets....no Ritchie Sambora was not among those listed. Some of the items in question are even under priced to make them more feasible for her fan base.

The collective squeals of joy you hear are from gay men everywhere......not that there's anything wrong with that.

New Release this week: Evanesence-The Open Door ....All right ya got me. Technically it was from last week, but what the hell.

But I recommend.

At play with The Platmates.

On their way to an internet cafe' to bid on Cher Memorabilia, no doubt.

Almost forgot

Have a happy Thanksgiving......unless you're from the States, then a shout out to Columbus Day....unless you're from somewhere else, then just enjoy your Monday.....

How to tell it's the fall season besides the shitty new TV shows.

-Leaves are changing color and over-passes are collapsing.

-Elections are on the horizon. Just ask Belinda Stonach and Tie Domi who are already busy polling the electorate.

-It's open season for gunmen in high schools and colleges.

-George Takei has announced he will reprise his role as Sulu as long as he can grow his hair long and wear leather pants.

-And out of money, Mike Tyson has planned to return to the ring at 40. He will start a world tour of 4-round exhibition fights in an effort to reduce his debt load.

Apparently Iron Mike has squandered over 300 million during his career like he's some third world country.

What is this guy Conrad Black all of a sudden?

Road to oblivion

With a mayoral election heating up, what to do with Toronto's antiquated Gardiner expressway seems to be the main bone of contention. A report released this week offered a few alternatives. Fix it, tear it down, or build a tunnel.

Wow! it cost them how much of the tax payers money to get these answers? A million plus?

Money well spent ladies and gentlemen. Money....well....spent!

Anyone want to join me in a slow clap?

Personally I like the tunnel idea because I've already seen the artist rendition. Although, I'm not sure what side the CN Tower will be on.

As long as the lanes go both ways it has my vote. Who wouldn't like to see a little DP from the DVP?

If you hadn't died I would have killed you

A man who co-wrote the song Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini was wrongly reported as dead after the death of a man who claimed authorship.

The widow of Paul Van Valkenburgh, of Ormond Beach, Florida, said he claimed to have written the song as Paul Vance.

Rose Leroux said she had had no reason to doubt her late husband's claim to fame and was "devastated" by the news of his lie.

Shush! GIGC still believes I invented the speculum.

Who's your daddy?

Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer Howard K. Stern has revealed he is the father of her baby daughter. However, former boyfriend Larry Birkhead has also claimed his boys can swim and he's the real father.

Jesus, no wonder her son Daniel O.D.'d.

A cysting astronauts

French surgeons have performed the first operation on a person in weightless conditions. In the 10-minute procedure this week, four doctors cut out a cyst from a patient's arm aboard a free-falling aircraft.

The surgery was performed during a parabolic flight - 25 rollercoaster-like manoeuvres inside a converted Airbus A300 aircraft. Each arc recreates weightlessness for 22 seconds as the plane free-falls to the ground. The surgeons, who only operated in these 22-second windows, were held in place with harnesses and their instruments fixed by magnets inside a specially-constructed operating theatre measuring two metres by two metres.

Interesting....
Someone wake me when they start lancing anal boils or performing vasectomies. Now that's operating.

So much for the kosher meal

I woman gave birth on a transatlantic flight this week somewhere between London and Boston over Canadian airspace.

I wonder how she snuck that past security?

The baby was delivered by the flight crew.....

Where's a parabolic flight when you really need one?

The plane touched down in Halifax....

Where both Howard K. Stern and Larry Birkhead were waiting to fight over paternal rights no doubt.

What no ball-gags

Three masked men robbed a suburban Atlanta sex shop Wednesday after tying up the employees with black fur handcuffs and silver leg irons taken from the store shelves, police said.
Authorities said the men stole $230 from the cash register at the Starship Enterprise adult novelty store....

Is this where Sulu got the idea for the leather pants?


Smells like team spirit

Terrell Owens' attempted suicide turned out to be just an accidental overdose.

I knew it couldn't be true. Why would he deprive the sports world of such an asshole?

Early reports said T.O. had been depressed before trying to take his own life.

Tell me. What's he got to be depressed about?

-He doesn't know where to spend his millions?

Someone should introduce him to Mike Tyson.

-He can't find a decent place to park his Porsche?

May I suggest an overpass in Laval Quebec?

-He doesn't have enough dick for what seems to be too much pussy?

Someone get me Tie Domi on the phone damn it!

New release this week: Actually, I couldn't find any new releases.

Just as well. You only need one album for your collection anyway.

Christian Crusaders with Al Davis.

It would make a swell gift for Yom Kippur.

No! Wait!.......New release this week...... The Killers- Sam's Town

Sorry......did you already buy the other one?

A local anaesthetic

I guess I should really stop listening to local news, but there seems to be much going on in our little city. I realize most of you don't live here, so I'll try be brief.

Cash for trash you ass: Nobody rides for free

So Toronto has finally solved it’s trash problem by purchasing a landfill in St. Thomas outside of London.

Mayoral hopeful, councillor Jane Pittfield, even put her stamp of approval on the deal, which reportedly will cost tax payers upwards to 50 million.

Later however, Pittfield declared she’d been in a rush and accidently voted in favor of the agreement.

Who would want someone like that for Mayor honestly?

What a lot of you don’t know is, she ran against our beloved Mayor of Mitchieville years ago but accidently fell on his penis and ruined her campaign.

*snap*

Rocket around the clock?

The TTC is proposing keeping the subway open 24/7 just like in N.Y......

Great, now we can also get the homeless off the street.

Booze cruisers

Several local police officers were caught on video, behind a furniture store, drinking alcohol they’d confiscated from minors.

I wonder if Jane Pittfield was accidently there?

Who thought escorts were so expensive?

When a passenger got into a heated argument with flight attendants on board an Air Canada flight preparing to take off from London to Toronto, he was escorted off the plane and had to find another way home. But that wasn't the end of it.

A week later, the airline sent buddy a bill for $1,350 for causing the flight to be delayed by 27 minutes. Air Canada defended its action saying delays are expensive and passengers who intentionally cause a flight to be late should expect similar treatment.

Do you hear that terrorists? Just think about that the next time you want to disrupt air travel.
Seconds anyone?

Many Canadian fans of "Grey's Anatomy" were puzzled by plot gaps and apparent inconsistencies Thursday night when CTV inadvertently aired the second episode of the season rather than the hotly anticipated premiere.

While the network blamed the mistake on a "satellite feed error," it was little consolation for viewers who had waited an entire summer to learn the fate of the libidinous interns at Seattle Grace Hospital not to mention Dr. McDreamy.

That will teach ya for watchin' "chick TV" instead of C.S.I.

Summer falls

Welcome to the first day of fall. To make the slow death of another year more enjoyable; did you know, you can bet on which new TV show will be the first one cancelled?

Is "My mother the car" still on?

"Men in trees" is the eary favorite.

However, if you had "Grey's Anatomy" as first show to fuck up you'd be raking in the dough right now.

Oh Popeye

Ok, I didn't mention this last week because I figured everyone already knew. But people are still falling over, being sick, and shitting green. And no, It's not St. Patrick’s day already?

Jesus! Just don’t eat frickin spinach.

Coup coup ka-choo

This week saw a military coup in Thailand. The Thai military surrounded the prime minister's office with tanks and seized control of TV stations declaring a provisional authority pledging loyalty to the king.

Yeah, but I'll bet they still got the first episode of Grey's Anatomy.

S’cuse me while I kiss this guy

Guitar legend Jimmy Hendrix died 36 years ago this week. Here is what he'd look like if he were still alive today.

No sex please. We're British

A survey by private health care organization Bupa in England, has found 39% of people were prepared to give up sex in order to live to a ripe old age of 100.

Wow! Seems giving up sex is what would kill me in the first place.

Women would be the ones most prepared to pass up passion at 48% in a bid to prolong life.

I think GIGC may have already taken the vow of celibacy.

While 24% of those polled would be ready to sacrifice eating and drinking whatever they wanted.

Well, spinach at least.

And 58% would give up travelling to ensure they lived to 100.

Count me in. Especially with what Air Canada is fining their passengers these days.

New Release this week: Scissor Sisters- Ta-Dah











But I recommend: Liebe Mutter- Heino

You know what? Maybe I will give up sex after all.

9/11's in the house

On a week where we remember 9/11 five years later, I’m sure you don’t need to hear anymore about it. So, I'm going to talk about a lot of other shit.

Do wah Diddy, Diddy don’t and Diddy do

There I was just a walking down the street I heard, "hey there Diddy change your name in the U.K."

Use Combs, or use P, you can even use Fuckin’ D....

Nope...I thought I'd sing all the posts this week, but fuck it. Go here if you want the Diddy poop.

Ugh! That sounds disgusting!

Toronto....the new Vegas?

....for gays who want to get married anyway. Gay couples are flocking to the Big Smoke in record numbers just to get hitched.

Although, makes me wonder how much they're playing the slots afterward.

Tossing a wrench into the universe

Steve McLean became only the second Canadian to walk in space. McLean is part of the shuttle mission now in orbit. But while helping to assemble the proposed space station, McLean had a few bolts float away on him and ended up breaking a wrench in the process.

All I want to know is, why do Canadians seem to have trouble keeping track of their nuts?

Da-refund

Kendall County furniture store owner and ''huge Bears fan'' Randy Gonigam got tired of players bragging about their defense, so he decided to put his money where their mouths are. Over Labor Day weekend, Gonigam's World Furniture Mall in Plano offered customers free furniture — up to $10,000 — if the Bears shut out the Green Bay Packers in their season opener.

Four quarters, 206 customers and about $300,000 later, Gonigam is still a little shell-shocked.

The Bears blanked the Packers 26-0 Sunday, ending Green Bay's 233-game scoring streak and giving Brett Favre the first shutout of his 16-year NFL career.

My advice next promotion go with a safer bet. The Black Hawks will defeat the Maple Leafs in the Stanley Cup final.

65.7 million dollar man

Speaking of hockey. What the hell were the Islanders thinking, when they offered goaltender Rick DiPietro 65.7 million over 15 years?

In fifteen years most people will own 2.3 cars,marry 2.8 times, and change jobs 3.7 times.

Not Rick. He’ll have the same job for fifteen years, as many cars as he wants, and if some bitch takes half his money, he’ll still have enough for all the trim his goalie stick ever needs.

Pot luck

A man was walking his dog in Scarborough.....

No he wasn’t shot....

No he wasn’t accosted by hookers....

No neither was the dog.....

Would you let me tell the story for Christ sake!

He stumbled across fields of pot being grown in a wooded area.

The weed was close to reaching harvest potential and had a street value of 6 million....which is almost 11 DiPietros......

Fuck! Now what am I going to smoke.

You know what? All this shit is just not controversial enough. It’s 9/11 week God damn it!
I have to get with the program.

Bigger than Jesus- That's more like it

When voters in Gerard Kennedy's old Parkdale-High Park riding headed to the polls this Thursday, they were forced to think about more than just taxes, garbage, transit, crime and the usual local issues.

It all stems from a sermon delivered last year by N.D.P. candidate Cheri DiNovo. In her speech, the United Church minister apparently compared the media's treatment of Homolka to the persecution of Jesus Christ.

Homolka = Jesus? What a load of shit. What was she thinking making a statement like that? It should be Homolka is God....

I think I’m turning into the Dunken Stepfather.

People will be buying my books soon just to burn them. Let the royalties roll in.

Dawson's freak

The shooting rampage at Dawson’s College in Montreal has been dominating the headlines since it happened with the dissection of how and why.

How the killer was in to Vampirism and heavy metal, listening to Cannibal Corpse and Slayer! etal.

How he hated the Government and Authority.

Who dosen’t?

How he hated bible thumping know-it-alls and God.

He must of really hated Karla Homolka then?

How his favorite video game was "Super Columbine Massacre."

What was wrong with the "Regular Columbine Massacre" game? I can’t even get past level one.

Once again, my books are available for purchase to be burned.

OK, I'll admit the subject matter is getting a little too heavy......something lighter perhaps?

So long Hap-penis

A woman in Montreal is in court this week....

Montreal hmm. do we see a pattern being established here?......

Apparently , distraught over a break-up, she set her former lover’s genitals on fire with fondue oil and caused third degree burns to his weenie.....

I guess when I said "something lighter", I should have specified "cigarette lighter".

Fondue oil? Aren’t you suppose to dip cheese in that? Oh wait a minute. Dick....cheese. I get it now......Next!

Pedal pusher

Car manufacturers are developing a smart pedal that reads GPS and will automatically slow to listed speed limits once you enter those areas.

Great so bad drivers can now die at a slower pace.

However, there is an override button.

Then what’s the point? That’s like sticking a pack of cigarettes in front of someone being forced to quit, but leaving him a match just in case.

Besides, everyone knows: cars don’t kill people, gun toting Vampire Freaks do.

New Release this week: DJ Shadow- Outlaw









But I recommend: Dethkorps- Metal Tit

Warning: May cause unexpected urge to kill students, Karla Homolka, or set genitals on fire.