Helpful factoid #13

This week, special guest Martha Stewart, graciously submitted her inexpensive child transporter for those of you too poor to afford a stroller. You can pick these helpful items up at your local grocer. Gotta get me one....for the cat at least.

Helpful factoid #12

Always make sure you put clothes on before snapping that picture for E-bay.

Helpful factoid #11

Don't let your bestman drive the, "Just Married" limo bus to the wedding.

The good news? He saved the sewing machine he got you as a gift.

helpful factoid #10

Garden gnomes do not make good sexual aids. (I'm sure it's the pointy hats.) Shocker value of 9.2

Helpful factoid #9

This is not considered a hybrid vehicle.

Helpful factoid #8

Don't let your kids drink coffee on their first week back at school.

Helpful factoid #7

Sex sells.

Another week

It was a big week for lung cancer, just ask Peter Jennings, Barbara Belle Geddes and Dana Reeves. Ok you can’t ask Barbara or Peter, they’re dead, but Superman’s widow still has time.
The only good to come out of it so far is, there has been a record number of people calling to find out how they can quit smoking. But whatever you do don’t call the Mayor for advice on this one.

"Name things that can withstand above average amounts of pain."
"Uh Redheads."
"Show us Redheads!....ding...Number #1 answer."

Right you are, a new survey said that these inhuman, firey-haired, females have a gene that helps them tolerate pain better than their blonde or brunette cousins. I don’t know about withstanding pain but they certainly know how to dish it out pretty good.

The Rolling Stones played a small club in Toronto called the Phoenix, this week. It is an intimate venue that has a capacity of about 800 patrons. People stood in line for over 24 hours for a chance to pick up a $10.00 ticket to see these elderly rockers and many were disappointed when turned away as the turnstiles closed.

Hey my Grandfather is in town. He’s 92, he still dances remarkably well, and knows every Boxcar Willie song ever recorded. I’m sure for a buck a piece, he’d sing them for you and you wouldn’t have to stand in line either.

Helpful factoid #5: A wink’s as good as a nod to a blind bat.

They are already starting to crank up the media machine for the Toronto Film Festival next month. I wonder if that Homolka movie will find a home here after being tossed out of Montreal?

The film originally titled "Deadly," was renamed "Karla," then changed to "Sexual Teenage School Girl Killers." Now in an effort to slide one past the goalie, they are changing the title yet again. Get ready for "Nice Tits, You’re Dead....Arrrgh."

A pastor at a local church on the outskirts of Mitchieville, was lured to a meeting by Police posing as a twelve year old girl in the hope that a sexual encounter would happen. What is this world coming to when those of the religious community are made to suffer with this blatant form of entrapment by law enforcement?....oh wait a minute.....I think I got the story backwards...never mind.

With all the terrorism lurking around corners, the good people here in T.O. have decided we need cameras everywhere to protect the public from these would-be assassins. I’m confused. I thought we already had cameras everywhere? At least that’s the impression I get from the internet. Just type in, "chicks in toilets and change room," or "up-skirts," into your search engine.

Finally, it’s been happening for years, Jesus in a tortilla in Dallas, The Virgin Mary in an oil stain in Albuquerque, deities in dirt streaked windows, pretzels, vomit, you name it. Hell, even the grilled cheese sandwich with God’s #1 son, sold for over $5,000 on E-Bay.

Now, look out! Here comes the Jesus perogie with a bidding price starting at $500 U.S. What’s next, John the Baptist in an underwear skidmark?

Same old week

It was another usual week in T.O., the extreme heat alerts, the calls to conserve electricity, the drive-by shootings, the police 400 series highway speed traps, the plane crashes at Pearson International. OK, it’s been 27 years since the last air disaster in the big smoke, you got me there.

The incredible thing about the crash, everyone made it out of the ensuing fire ball alive. Why I myself was trapped on the 401 when it all went down. I witnessed the plumbs of black and grey smoke. I saw the burned out wreckage that still sits there causing traffic chaos as gawkers slow to look. Hell, they are even parking to get the perfect shot on there camera phones.

A long weekend has come and gone, the next, Labor Day will virtually signal the death knell of summer and I’m sure the Police will have another driving blitz, "Operation how many dumb asses can we pull over." This past week it was "The good, the bad, and the rusty." Who thinks up these names?

Some of the lame driver excuses were, "I’m sorry I was speeding officer but..... I forgot my wife’s birthday and had to rush out to buy her a gift....I was potty training my daughter while I was driving....I’ve never broken the speed limit before and wanted to see what it was like...."

Hey, you want people to slow down? I suggest they haul the remains of the France airbus up the 400 and plop it next to Webber’s burgers or in gasoline alley, people will not only slow down they’ll stop to pose with the wreckage.

Guns are getting out of hand in this city. Thanks to the good people south of the border who brought us the invasion of Iraq. Do you know how hard it is to buy a handgun legally in this country? Yet, everyday I’m hearing of innocent people dying, or hurt because they were caught in some gang crossfire. What we need here is an arena, not unlike the ones served up by paintball, and let these punks have at it. Perhaps we should go back to the Romans for guidance? We could pay admission, (with a hefty Ticket Master service charge of course), and view these idiots murder one another.

OK so it was hot.....this is your cue to say, "how hot was it?"...I’m to friggin hot to think of a punch line.

Anyway, there they are telling us to conserve energy. Don’t put on the air-conditioner until 2 AM, don’t use your dishwasher, let the dog lick your plates clean. Don’t do laundry, flip your undies for an extra day of wear.

So, let me ask this: Is Ontario Hydro going to remember that we all bit the bullet and conserved the next time they hike the rates? Of course not. Listen, the next time they tell you to conserve, turn every God-damn thing on in the house, and let them pay for the extra expensive imported power. It’ll serve those assholes right. We’re going to end up paying for it anyway.

Helpful factoid #4: If you beat your kids with a 5lb bag of oranges, it won't leave any bruises.

We could talk about the shuttle but...

Monster mice are devouring birds in South Africa. Maybe not monster mice, but big enough to eat a bird....oh never mind.

I don’t believe a word of it, not a word. The potential LCBO strike was just a ruse to get people to go crazy and buy up every damn bottle of alcohol in the store, and it worked. They even blew the dust off the Scottish Thistle flavored liqueur and sold that. Some adult video stores even reported selling out of the "Lezbo Lick Her" series, people were that desperate.

Speaking of desperate, O.J. Simpson was charged with stealing satellite TV. First of all, who hasn’t? Secondly, in O.J.’s defense, he said, he felt it would help him to catch the real killer.

Boy Scouts are told to be prepared. Well, they better be prepared to wait. Twice this week George Bush postponed his appearance at a service for four scoutmasters who died when they were struck by lightning. Bush’s first no show was, oddly enough due to the threat of thunder showers and he left the troupes of Boy Scouts waiting for hours. In the end hundreds of boys were hospitalized for exhaustion from the blistering heat. Most of them Scouts, suffered from dehydration, fatigue and lightheadedness, 7 complained of being fondled by scout masters, and 3 were abducted and have yet to be found. Bush will try again next week.

They have changed the Homolka/ Bernardo movie title from "Deadly" to "Karla" and it will premier at the Montreal Film Festival. Of course, people are outraged. They feel it is an attempt by the film makers to cash in on Karla’s recent release into society. The movie’s distributors say, this is not the case and in a show of good faith will change the film title yet again, to "Sexual Teenage School Girl Killers." Sounds like a Russ Myers film to me.

Experts say that in light of Toronto’s subway terror hoax Thursday, T.O. is not on the terrorist list for places to make a world statement and that we are safe from such a catastrophe as the one in London. OH! Not good enough for you huh? Hey Abdul! Why don’t you and the rest of your al-Qaeda bombing-boner-buddies, fuck the goats you road in on.

Speaking of not good enough there’s Bob Goodenow, former head of the NHL player’s association, who after getting his ass kicked in the new CBA with the league, kicked his own ass out Thursday. He will be replaced by Ted Saskin who is much better at taking it on his knees.

Paris Hilton had to take off her engagement ring after she complained that it was just too damn big and hurt her finger. Likewise her fiancé, had to take off his cock ring after he complained it was just too damn big and hurt his....you know.

Hey, how about that Lance Armstrong?
How about those seven yellow jerseys?
How about his girl Cheryl Crow?
How about the erection in my pants?
What am I going to do now?

San Diego zoo’s giant panda Bai Yun is pregnant.....no that didn’t do it.
Oh I know....Mick Jagger celebrated his 62nd birthday this week and for good measure Honest Ed Mirvish turned 92.
There....the erection’s gone.

Helpful factoid #3: Cows will produce 3% more milk when you play them songs that are under 100 beats a minute. May I suggest "Everybody Hurts," by REM.

Helpful factoid #2

Four out of ten mice will die while listening to Beethoven, if you inject them with crystal meth.

Hot week, but not for news

Paul McCartney released a new album this week. It’s Sir Paul’s 20th album since the Beatles and the 17th to cause diarrhea and vomiting.

A new study just out, says that people shouldn’t pay so much attention to studies and take them seriously. Hmm....do you see the paradox?

Let’s hear it for Rockport, Ma., who have repealed a 150 year-old law concerning prohibition. That’s right. Outside of a brief period in 1933 the town has been dry all this time. When you see a good lookin’ woman in Rockport you know she’s beautiful and it’s not just the alcohol talkin’. Now let’s see the town take the next step and overturn that stupid law that says no sex with woodland animals.

Good Lord, the J to the Lo is back in the news. This time over her new fragrance that she says will smell like the, "core of her inner being". The core? Where so many men have visited? That core? Or does she mean the core, pumping blood and oozing innards? Yeah let me smeer some of that on me. Or perhaps the core that lets out the secret burps and farts when she’s all alone. Doesn’t sound too enticing if you ask me. Personally which ever core she’s referring to, I don’t think it’s going to smell very good.

Death of the week goes to Francis Langford, who wowed the troupes on the Bob Hope tour with nothing more than a flash of an ankle. My those were bawdy times weren’t they? She also sang "I’m in the mood for love." She may have even been responsible for Rockford keeping that law in place for so long. I don’t know. But now she’s gone to be reunited with Bob....wait Bob Hope is dead right?

This week’s helpful factoid.: Coke is not a good spermicide.