Live from the Cartoon Strip

Monday morning laugh

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.

The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."

"I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision."

Monday morning laugh

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, "How long have you been wearing that bra?"

The friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

Monday morning laugh

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb- blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet.

"What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?" she demands. "What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?"

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.

"You keep out of this!" she yells. "I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!"

Monday morning laugh

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking Dog for Sale." Intrigued, he walks in.

"So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog.

"I’ve led a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home."

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?"

The owner says, "Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!"

Thursday laugh

It's almost the end of the week. One more day to go, but you're feeling a bit drained. Well, Ol' Strange is here for you. It's the least I can do.....actually the least I can do is to post nothing at all, but I'll go you one better and post a joke to try and brighten your dull Thursday.


Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

"I think my friend is dead!" he yells. "What can I do?"

The operator says, "Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"

Black humour for a blue Fool's Day,

A woman successfully gives birth after several hours of labor. The doctor takes the baby and leaves the room to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly begins to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against an adjacent wall. The woman screams, "OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY?!" To which the doctor replies, "April Fool's! It was already dead!"

Black humor for a blue Monday

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.

Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

Black humor for a blue Monday

In honour of Slumdog Millionaire here is your Monday joke:

A guy says to his wife: "Darling, what would you do if I said I've won the lottery?"

Wife replies: "I'd take half then leave you."

Guy says: "Excellent! I had three numbers and won Ten Dollars. Here's five...now fuck-off!


This giggle brought to you courtesy of Dickie Sanchez. That is all.

Black humour for a blue Monday

Two homeless men are standing around bragging about their day. The First hobo says "Today i found $20, and was able to buy a nice hot meal. It was my luckiest day ever!".
to which the second hobo replies: "oh yeah, my day was way better! I was at the train yard, and found a woman tied to the train tracks. After I untied her, we fucked all day"
"Did you get a blow job?"
"Naw, I couldnt find her head"

Black humour for a blue Monday

A kid is sitting at the kitchen table in the morning and says, "Hey mom, pass the fuckin corn flakes." She takes him out back and whips him with a rod then sits him back down and says, "Now would you like something from the table?" He says, "Well I sure as shit don't want those fuckin corn flakes."

Black humour for a blue Monday

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

Black humour for a blue Monday,

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

Filling the gap

I was at a Christmas party on the weekend and I heard a joke that I thought was pretty funny. Technically it wasn't a Christmas joke, so I've waited until the day after.

Yup, it was more of a Boxing Day joke.

I would like to share it with you now.

A boy, alerted by loud noises coming from his parents bedroom, walks in on his mother and father having sex. The boy is traumatized, his mother is in a leather corset, tied up, with ball gag in her mouth and his father is wearing assless chaps and spanking her with a wooden paddle as he enters her from behind.

The parents, embarrassed, demand the boy return to his room.

The boy shuts the door and leaves. He can hear his mom and dad giggling as he walks away from them down the hall.

Later the boy's father feels he should go and explain a few things to his son about what has happened.

As he approaches the boys door he hears grunting and groaning from with in.

The father thrusts open the door to see his son with his pants around his ankles just giving it to his grandmother from behind.

The father horrified, yells out, "What the hell is going on here?"

The boy stops and turns to his father and says, "NOT SO FUNNY WHEN IT'S YOUR MOTHER, IS IT?"

It was a weak week anyway

Had to say this whole May 24 on the weekend of the 17th really screwed me over. So much so, I actually missed the news and reviews segment this week.

However, in actuality you didn't miss much- Paris was in London promoting her new fragrance......unless it smells like someone just uncorked a bottle of fuck who would be interested?

Ellen DeGeneres told viewers she's getting married....we already know she munches rug, so what's the big whoop?

Queen Victoria was born a shit-load of yeas ago....Swell. Just pop the fireworks already.

And that sums up a rather mundane week with three weak stories.

So instead, as not to deprive you of controversy and comment, I present the three most offensive jokes I heard over the weekend.

Offensive joke #1

What has 9 arms and sucks?

Answer: Def Leppard.


Offensive joke #2

What's the best thing about sex with twenty-nine year-olds?

Answer: There's twenty of them.


Offensive joke # 3

How do you make a five year-old cry twice?

Answer: Wipe yourself off on her teddy bear when you're done.


Hey! I'm just the messenger.

Cross posted on Mitchieville.

Armageddon!

On Fridays I’ve been linking to other Blogs, but because it’s the end of the week and I feel you need a good laugh, I’m doing something different.

In fact, something I’ve never done in all my days posting on daze. I'm going to regurg-a-link.

In case you missed it I’m going to direct you back to a post from earlier in the week called, "Damn foreigners", where there are stories and pictures of people inserting various items into their inner selves. From oven mitts to octopus it’s all here.

There was one link on the page in particular, I didn’t click on the first time around even though I posted the frickin thing.

It took GIGC to bring it to my attention and I have to tell you my friends, I laughed so hard I had a diaper full.

Start your weekend off right, ">with this audio clip. You may have a mess on your hands, but you’ll thank me for it.

Monday morning "Ha"

Today I thought I'd start your week off with a joke, which is not so much a selfless act as it is, I'm just a lazy SOB. It's easier to cut and paste than actually turn on my brain switch.

Man driving down road .
Woman driving up same road .
They pass each other
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells out window, B I T C H!
Man rounds next curve.
Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road, and dies.
Thought For The Day: If only men would listen...

I would also like to add, if only women would give men more sex, they wouldn't have to go out driving and looking for huge pigs.

Two Scottish guys argue over who will pays the bar tab.

"Fuckyoo laddie."
"No. Fuckyoo laddie."
"Fuckyoo!"
"No! Fuckyooo!"
"FUCKYOOO!"
"FUCKYOOO!"