From Crips to the crypt

Convicted killer Stanley Tookie Williams, the Crips gang co-founder whose case stirred a national debate about capital punishment versus the possibility of redemption, was executed early Tuesday.

Although Monday, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger' denied Williams' request for clemency, suggesting that his supposed change of heart was not genuine because he had not shown any real remorse, he did make a last minute call before the lethal injection.

It just so happens that I have access to those transcripts, but it's up to you to use your best Arnold voice.

San Quentin State Prison Official: Hello.

Gov. Arnold: It’s de Governor. Hold de injections, and de restraints, and de crying, and all tings like dat der. Put the prisonator on de phones. Now!

SQSPO: *covering the mouthpeice with hand* Stop the procedure. It’s Arnold. He wants to speak to Williams.

Williams: Hello....Governor Schwarzenegger?

Gov. Arnold: Is dis de prisonator to whom I am speaking to on de phone?

Williams: Yes Governor Schwarzenegger it is.

Gov. Arnold: Remember when I said I’d kill you last?.....I lied. Merry Christmas and all tings like dat der.

Full story here.

Pryor to his passing.

Truly one of the greatest comedians that ever lived. Richard Pryor....dead at 65 from a heart attack.

My, how time flies

It was twenty five years ago today.

....seem like longer to me.

...that Lenin died. One of the leading political figures and revolutionary thinkers of the 20th century, Lenin masterminded the Bolshevik take-over of power in Russia in 1917 and was the architect and first head of the Soviet state....

You know he doesn’t seem like such a bad chap. Just look at that lovable mug. He kinda looks like a Mike Myers character don't ya think?

He posthumously gave name to the Marxist-Leninist ideology, but by the death of the communist system in 1991, his legacy was largely discredited and....

....what? Lennon not Lenin? Oh John Lennon.....I...ah...um...........................................................Hey! Have you seen my new clock?....Sweet ain’t it? Got it from the Mayor of Mitchieville along with a bottle of Scotch and a $10 food voucher for Chuckie Cheese, as an early Christmas present....

You know....you’re right. It’s not much of a gift is it? Come to think of it, the Mayor’s pretty cheap. After all I’ve done for him.

I've been Campaign manager for years. Orchestrating his consistent defeats over that bastard Jerry Casby. I won't even discuss the favors I had to pull to get him out of his so-called "business trip" to Bangladesh. Hell, I even threw a pie in the face of Paul Martin during his visit with Condalisa Rice, for that man. And all I get is a clock, a little booze, and a gift certificate to a restaurant? I'd rather eat the ass end of a cat.

The Mayor should have used the Scotch to liquor up some scantily clad nymphettes and drop them off at my place, wrapped in Christmas bows and bacon, for a little of the old kneel & bob. And I’m not talking about Young and Dylan.

With a thoughtful, giving act like that, I'd be feeling much Joy....personally I don't care what the other girl's name is. Now there's a Christmas present.

Help, my Jesus is caught in a tree

Should someone call the fire department?

A woman in Houston Texas, (big surprise there), claims the image of Jesus Christ is evident in the upper branches of a tree in her yard. If between yawns you want to check the story out it’s here.

Is it any wonder that people like me scoff and make fun of religious fanatics like this? Truthfully, the only time I, or my girl D ever see a vision of a deity, is during sex. Besides, this "I saw the Almighty in a taco" business is getting old.

In fact, a woman in Milwaukee, or maybe it was Wisconsin? I don’t know. Someplace where they either brew, or drink a lot of beer. This woman also professed to have Jesus in a tree in her yard. Although, later it was proven to only be a poorly carved etching of Willie Nelson.

If you still haven’t had your fill of the Lord and Savior you should go to Jesus of the week, which I believe, like everything else, I stole from the Mayor at some point along with some pens, paper-clips and a back issue of "Massive Jug Sluts".

Anyway, go. Have a larf or three. I think they have an all-you-can-eat-body of Christ special on.

Hurricanes get Greeked

There have been so many tropical storms this year, there are no more letters left in the Alphabet. Thus the Greek Alphabet has been dusted off and put into the game. Better watch out, Hurricane Epsilon is headed your way.

Micheal Jackson is still working on his song for Katrina. Who's going to care when the season's over?

Ho,ho,ho...he's dead

Len Dresser who did the voice of the Jolly Green Giant died this week. He was pushing 80 so ya can't really complain. Although he did voiceovers for other companys like Kelloggs, he'll be remember for voicing the green behemoth most with his jovial "Ho, ho, ho".

Since these deaths usually happen in threes...better watch out Santa. Also a warning to any one currently involved in prostitution.

Give peas a chance

What?....Oh peace....give peace a chance.....sorry. I blame my years in the produce industry.

Maybe I should have used the title on me previous post?

The original lyrics of John Lennon's famed song, Give Peace a Chance, will be auctioned off next month. It was scrawled across an envelope from the Queen Elizabeth hotel in Montreal. Lennon wrote the song when he and Yoko were staging their famous bed-in there, back in the 70's.

Excuse me, but why an envelope? Shouldn't the Q.E. have some sort of paper pad by the side of the phone, even back then?

In the immortal words of John Lennon:

"Yoko ya stupid twit, yer supposed to use the toilet paper ta wipe! Jesus! Paul was right."

Boyfriend gives her the finger

Tonya Harding was in the news again this week, when she called 911 to report an assault. what she failed to tell Police was, she was the assailant. When they responded to a domestic dispute they found sweet, skanky,Tonya had pushed her boyfriend to the floor and bit his finger in the scuffle.

Michael Jackson is currently working on a tribute song to help the two resolve their differences.

Sulusexual

George Takai has come out of the closet with his homosexuality. That's right. There's no, "fuck the green bitch," for Mr. Sulu. He’d rather be at warp factor 9 with a male lover (not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

However, my question is what took the guy so long? He’s got to be 70 or so. Must have been the geek testosterone at one too many Trek conventions that finally pushed him over the edge huh?

Anyway, Michael Jackson will be writing a song to support Sulu in his quest for happiness or some kind of penis anyway.

Good luck with all that George, it could be worse. You could be Janet Jackson’s love child.

Come on Barbie let's go party

It was announced this week by Matel, sales of Barbie are down 18% for the year. I wonder if this has anything to do with the 18% increase of men buying Harleys that I reported last week? *Shudder* The toy company is scrambling to create an updated version of the doll that will be more appealing not only to a new generation of girls but boys as well. How about Smoking Barbie, or Anatomically Correct Barbie, or Swallowing Barbie? I know I'd buy the last one especially if they made an anatomically correct G.I. Joe.

Prison break

Hey would you like to go to Paramount's Wonderland for free next year? If you answered yes to this question all you have to do is break the law and get your ass thrown in jail. It seems that prisoners and parolees are been given the passes to combat the boredom of confined life while the victims of their crimes have to pay their way in. Sounds fair to me. "Hey buddy what ya in for?" "To ride the rollercoasters."

Pillow talk

People, we are sleeping with the enemy. Or at least that’s what a new study concluded after they found 40 different types of fungal bacteria lurking in pillows over 18 months old. This bacteria could affect your health unless you buy new pillows yearly they say. This study was brought to you by the New Soft Pillow Company who have noticed an 18% decrease in sales over the last decade. Yup, seems pillow buyers have put down the Barbies too, and are out riding hogs.

Roll over.....good doggie

Those crazy Brits are at it again. They have a new reality program called, "Bring your man to heel," where a troubled wife is taught dog training techniques to keep her man off the couch. Teach your man to fetch, take you shoe shopping, put the seat down, or never touch the remote. When he does what he’s told, he gets a treat. I donno like sex maybe.

Semi-corrupt

Ever wonder who is the most corrupt nation on earth? Wonder no more. Now they have the answer. Bangladesh...(Bang-Ladesh? but I just met her), wow didn’t see that coming. Meanwhile on the opposite side of the spectrum, if you want a vacation where you can leave your door unlocked and everyone is trustworthy go to Iceland. They’ll probably even throw in some Bjork tickets. Where did we finish on the corrupt scale you ask? 14th three spots behind the Americans, thank the Liberals. Sheila Copps punching bags are still available in the lobby.

What....are they on Mars?

Finally, the food industry is coming out with something for the calorie conscious health nuts who want snacks but don’t want to over indulge. These new snacks called "Micro snacks" are smaller yet more expensive than their larger counterparts. In my world I call it Halloween candy.

Hogging the road

Harley Davidson has reported an 18% increase in sales. It appears that everyone wants to get on a hog these days, doctors, lawyers, dentists, everyone. If only they had read my post concerning the Corral, they could have saved a lot of moolah and still ridden a hog. Having their cake and...don't know if I'd want to eat it but,....having their cake anyway.

Air Con-ada

Air Canada is at it again, raising the freight cost of transporting animals. Also, it will cost you another $2.00 for what they call a comfort pack which is merely a blanket and inflatable pillow.

Here are some other increases the airline is considering for the near future.

Over-head stowing $3.00
Extra coffee cream tax $.50
Air sickness bag $17.50
Flight attendant assistance gratuity $5.00
Emergency exit procedure explanation $22.50 (mandatory)
Taking a shit tax $10.00 (key to washroom needed)
Key to washroom $29.75

Text evasion

Now you can get up-to-the-minute traffic reports on your cell phone by simply text messaging 680680 in and around the GTA and Mitchieville. And you won't have to give Air Canada a dime.

At first this seemed like a good idea to circumvent the problem areas. Then I thought how many more accidents there will be from people text messaging for the report while they're driving.

You know it's going to happen. Some drivers I've witnessed, read the newspaper, yak incessantly on cell phones, eat ravioli, and cut their toe nails while driving, all at the same time. It's dangerous and I just have to say, stop doing that Mom.

Start me up....clear!

Rumor has it that, The Stones have a defibrillator back stage with them while they are on tour... just in case. What can I say that hasn’t been said before? It's all so...Spinal Tap...voted best rock n roll movie ever BTW.

Burns, burns, burns...

Tommy Lee, the drummer for rock group Motley Crue, was burned during a solo this week when pyros unexpectedly erupted during the performance. Don't worry girls, he wasn't burned there.

Since the band don't have a defibrillator back stage, the show was stopped and Lee was rushed to the hospital to be treated for non life threatening burns. Crue's tour has been hampered by personal injury, from Vince Neil's leg to Mick Marrs face....just look at that mug...he's one ugly spud!

Lee will be ok and jested, It could've been worse. He could've been the drummer for Great White.