Happy Birthday Mayor

There's a very special Mayor who has a Blogging birthday coming up. None other than the Mayor of Mitchieville who started blogging four years ago and has like a billion hits a day now, contrary to the 30 odd thousand I've had over the lifetime of my existense when I started a few days later.

In fact....wait a moment...it's now.

Happy Bithday Mayor!

And yes, I got a deal on the cake.

Our little Dickie grows up

When I first met Dickie he was working for Vachon supplying vending machines and stores with fattening cakes and Moon-Pies. Well, at least that's what I thought he did for a living- no one was really sure.

Over the years Dickie has been through the spectrum of job descriptions; from Private Investigator, to Head-Hunter, to Actor, Dickie has done it all. He traveled the country in search of happiness, in search of the perfect job, in search of the perfect lifestyle, all which has led him back home.

Over the past year, I have witnessed the transformation and the maturity of the man who once penned the song "Mosquito Fuck" and thought he had a legitimate chance of taking the music business by storm.

Now, he is content and happy. He has met the woman he has searched the world over for. He has purchased a house in the South Shwa with in shouting distance of the famed Corral and he is getting married in Mexico next February to which I and GIGC will bear witness.

It is a far cry from the days where he spent six months on a couch in Syracuse and was periodically accosted by fat, balding, gay Koreans.

Our little Dickie has earned the right to be "Shocker of the Week."

The Pit and the pendulum

It’s all over except for the puking, as the 2008 Whitby Wing Eating Finals came to an exciting conclusion last night during the Super Bowl Half-Time Show.

For the second year in a row, The Pit, found himself the bridesmaid as he fell a few wings short to a last minute addition from Cincinnati, (mugshot currently unavailable).

With the disqualification of Wolfman Eddie late last week opening up a slot in the finals, the Cincinnati Ringer slipped in quietly and surprised bookies and bettors alike by taking the wing crown.

Still standing in the carnage of a battlefield of bones and chicken carcass, The Pit, with a tear glistening from the corner of his left eye and the sweat of ingesting an entire tray of poultry’s finest still damp on his brow, sadly contemplated retirement.

Perhaps it was just the sudden sting of defeat snatched from the certain jaws of victory, or just an unusual rumbling in his colon located in an awkward spot between the cecum and the rectum, but like everyone else including The New England Patriots, he was just stunned by an outcome no one saw coming.

So here's to the true champion The Pit. Let's hope he will return like Brett Favre, for one more year.

Into the bottomless pit

Teddy "the Toupee" Toupullo: The Toupee is a fierce competitor who will stop at nothing to be victorious. Also known as "The Little Beaver", Teddy trains for events by gnawing the wooden legs off furniture.
(2-1)







The Pit:
Nothing more can be said about The Pit who came within a whisper of taking home the crown last year. Has been training hard for this event by learning to eat south paw to throw off the competition. This week alone, he has put 4 all-you-can-eat buffets out of business.
(even)





Sally "the Fish" Legarra:
At first glance one would think Sally is in over her head in a, "holy fuck! Look at all those wings! How am I going to eat all those wings? Christ Almighty, that's a lot of fuckin' wings!" sort of way. However, her glassy, fish-eyed stare is how she looks naturally and often works to her advantage rendering her competitors to fits of laughter and allowing her to surge to victory.
(2-1)



Cheetoe "Dirty Sanchez" Margollez:
Other than the Pit, Cheetoe is the man to be feared in this event. His appetite is world renowned, his desire to vanquish his rivals a sight to behold and his undefeated record of 45-0 unequalled. His moniker of Dirty Sanchez, is well deserved as he loves to rub wing sauce under the noses of the defeated.
(even)

Closer to the bone

Clifford "the Shiv" Norton: Was an early favorite to win it all, but in his last contest forgot to remove the chicken from the bone and punctured his right cheek. His injury has not fully healed and the Shiv may end up losing more wings out his cheek hole than he can swallow.
(25-1)







Coleman "the Zombie" Clark:
No one is sure if this guy's living or dead. Either way unless brains are on the menu, Zombie's chances are slim and none. And slim is in the back room with hookers and blow.
(75-1)

Ellena "Mama" Ragutzio:

Don't let her diminutive motherly appearance fool you. She can eat. She won the National Pasta Eating Championship by ingesting 22 plates of spaghetti and then hit her fellow contestants over the head with a wooden spoon for not clearing off their plates.
(10-1)

Plaxico "the Bone Collector" Johnson:
Who in their right mind names their kid Plaxico?....Wait.....Isn't there a wide receiver on the Giants named Plaxico Burress?.....Never mind.....Any way, the Bone Collector has as much of a chance of winning this contest as the Giants do winning the Super Bowl.
(25-1)

Friar Lansky: Grandson of the infamous gangster Meyer Lansky, Friar is a dangerous competitor. If he doesn't win he has friends who'll make sure he does. Once ate a bag of cement to prove his abilities- the body had to be dumped elsewhere.
(2-1)

One wing leads to another

Wasn't that a song by the Fixx?

As many of you may know, this Sunday is Super Bowl Sunday.
However, many of you may not know it is also the second annual Wing Eating Contest in Durham taking place at the beloved Wing Shack in Whitby.

Today I would like to introduce you to some of the 14 gladiators who will do battle this coming Sunday. These are the competitors the bookies are calling the long shots to even place in Sunday's wing-ding.

Billy "the mooch" Mergatroy: Known as "Heavens" to his friends, he has a voracious appetite but,suffers from narcolepsy and will probably be asleep by the 10th wing. (100-1)













Chris "the head" Beauregard: Once ate 75 wings in 4 minutes. Too bad he stuck his face into a deep-fryer to do it. He now has nightmares of the event. Expect him to freak out before the contest begins when the trays of wings are brought in. (200-1)










Delilah "the bush" Donjuanagus:
And please don't ask how she came by that nickname. Delilah, once a formidable foe who had her face tattooed with the remaining wing sauce after her victories has lost much of her wing eating potency after a bitter breakup with a fellow competitor "Wolfman" Eddie.
(75-1)

"Wolfman" Eddie:

No need to go into the back story here, but it could be good news for Delilah. Judges for this Sunday's event are still trying to decide if Wolfman should be disqualified for eating the knees of some homeless dude this week. (500-1)


Munroe "hairdresser" Dwiesellee: The hairdresser can eat a lot of wings- 287 wings Austin Wing-Off 2004 to be exact. Except it took him four days, and three cans of hair spray to do it.
(1000-1)

There's hope after all

Yes, even for me. Yet, that is not the subject of todays post.

I thought after so many subjects dealing with sexual conotations and defication into cups for personal enjoyment, I would put up something heart warming, inspiring, incredible, unbelievable. Something with hope as one week ends and another begins.

A close friend of GIGC and myself suffered a spinal injury a couple of months ago. She was told she was paralyzed from the waist down and would not walk again.

The following, shot by her Son, shows the astounding progress of her recovery.

If you see Kay

Since I still find myself in the white bastion hell that is the Econolodge, state side, I will be handing the reigns over to Linds today. Earlier in the week I left an option for an interactive post.

Linds was the only one with the balls to take me up on it and roll out her potty mouth.....It's why I love her so: The potty mouth and the balls and not as in testicles....you know what I mean.

Following is her post, for that post. Enjoy, and may God strike you down if you don't visit her Blog!

In a recent "survey/meme" I did online, it contained the question "What word do you use far too frequently?"

My response was thus:

"Fuck" or variations thereof... Fucked. Fucking. Fucker. Fucks. Fuckable. I'm such a dainty lady.

It's just such an awesomely versatile and powerful word; It's verb, noun, adjective, descriptor, exclamation, emphasis word... It can be used in so many different ways. It can even be used to accent itself! "You fucking fuck!" is always one of my favourite nastier snipes at inanimate objects. All of which I shouldn't use in front of my Grandma. (And usually don't.)

My favourite fridge magnet I've got on the fridge says: "I suppose saying Fuck you would be unprofessional?"

Be afraid for my children, dear ones. They are going to be the kids that have a shirt that says something like "My dad could kick your dad's ass!" or "All daddy wanted was a blow job." I'm well on my way to being honky Surrey white trash.

Wing finals Jaded

With over 500 wings settled in the bellies of competitors, the exciting Durham Wing Finals came to a stunning conclusion yesterday at the Wing Shack in Whitby.

When the dust cleared and the last of the bones had been picked through and counted, Jade "Jugs" Monahan *slut* was crowned the wing eating champion, taking home the $5,000.00 first place prize.

In her wake, nine other male finalists--- including The Pit--- stood in awe of her voracious appetite for meat, proving why women are more successful in porn than men.

Although, setting a new personal best with 55 wings, our beloved Pit could only manage 2nd place to Monahan, *child abuser*, who defeated all her advisories with a final count of 60 wings.


Jugs * rug muncher* was a late entrant, earning her spot in the finals only last week, by sucking 65 off the bone.

Despite a valiant effort, The Pit was so upset after his performance he barely finished his six chicken dinners, but hopes for a rematch against Monahan *fecal eater* in the spring.

Wing ding

Earlier this week you met the contenders, The Pit, Eight Fingers Louie, and Juan Ricco “Santa” Sanchez, all heavy favorites to take home the crown this Sunday in Whitby.

Now it’s time to meet the pretenders for the Grand Chicken wing-off.

Jade "Jugs" Moynihan (2-1)
Allegedly ate 63 wings in 10 minutes last week to qualify for the finals. She has squeezed her way into a spot as a ligitimate contender. Hopes to use the winnings to move from her fridge box to a more spacious dumpster and buy more crack.




Rick "Bushy" Lisko (10-1)
Claim to fame: He recently ate a seven-legged, transgendered deer that he'd run over with his vehicle. Story here.







It’s not just bad news for the Bears on Sunday, it’s "Bad News" Bartor Manning (25-1)
No relation to Peyton, but is a second cousin, twice removed, to Eli. Also known as El Diablo to his friends he once ate a Creative Touch blender due to impatience, when he couldn’t wait for the mashed potato shake. Favorite dish: two tire irons, with a side of cabbage and a small nest of baby eagles in barbeque sauce.


Harlan "the Tunnel" Martinez (50-1)
Can eat 14 kittens and an oil painting of Omar Epps in seven minutes.








Freddie "Sandman" Gooligon
(75-1)
Has been eating 2lbs of dirt in Inner Mongolia for the past two months in preparation. Note to self: Cancel culinary trip to Inner Mongolia.






Darla "Wing Whore" McGeggie (80-1)
The only other woman in the field of ten. She says she has been too busy dating hunks to train for Sunday's final. The question is: Hunks of what?






Tony "Squint" Bibby (100-1)
Doesn't expect to win Sunday, he's just going, "to score all the luscious wing groupies".

Eating more than a man-sized dog

There's one week remaining before the big event. No silly. Not the Super Bowl....The Wing eating Contest Finals in Whitby, where The Pit will take on all challengers for the title of Supreme Wing Eating God.

It promises to be bloodier than any UFC championship, more violent than the worst combat where only rolled up newspapers and sharp pointy sticks were used, and more jaw dropping than the time the government accidently paid you too much back on your tax return.....Ok, forget the last comparison. It never really happened, but you get the idea.

So far the field of competitors looks weak except for two, Eight Fingers Louie, (2006 Club sandwich eating champion), In fact, the man had seen more clubs than a baby seal, his eating prowess is that revered. And Juan Ricco “Santa” Sanchez who was once employed by the U.S. government to eat illegal immigrants and who will often fake out his opponents by chowing down in the nude.


This will be the first time these men have met in what many are calling The Rumble in the Small Intestine.

In preparation for this blessed event and to maintain his focus and masticating voracity, The Pit has trained hard. Yesterday it is reported he ate nine cinder blocks and rid Whitby of its homeless problem by devouring all four indigents.

Later in the week we will interview The Pit’s faithful canine companion Meatball.

Excerpts from the Meatball interview:

Interviewer: What’s the most incredible thing you’ve seen your master eat?

Meatball: Bark.

Interviewer: The Pit has never faced Eight Fingers Louie or Santa Sanchez before. If you could sum up this titanic battle in one word, what would it be?

Meatball: Ruff.

Interviewer: What kind of wings does the Pit usually enjoys when he’s not competing?

Meatball: Spicy southern Cajun style with a hint of garlic.


Remember fans, set aside Sunday, Feb 4th, to witness Whitby sports history and support The Pit.

Cross-posted @ Mitchieville.

Oakey doakey karaoke

To celebrate the passing of another year of existence for GIGC and myself, our friends took us out to sing and puke. Which would come first was anyone’s guess?

It was a great evening filled with karaoke and songs not usually heard unless you’re stranded by the roadside, with a smoking radiator, in the middle of nowhere, praying for a tow-truck, before some chainsaw-wielding maniac attacks you, and in your boredom you try to find a signal on the radio, as scraps of long-forgotten ballads interrupt the static and your constant weeping......You know? Those songs.

It was a great evening and I strongly suggest you get out and embarrass yourself this way, in the near future.

Unless your last name was Purderfiled, everyone was allowed to sing. And sing we did, several times over the course of the evening. Why even The Pit took time out from his training for the upcoming wing eating finals to partake. However, it was not until he had eaten 40 wings, eight shot glasses, and two table legs.

Here are some of the renditions I remember and if I forgot anything blame the booze:
Come Sail Away- Cartman style, Up where we belong, I believe in a thing called Love, It's still Rockin Roll to Me, Rasputin, The Distance, Little Bird, Bearcat, Keep Your Hands to Yourself, Sledgehammer, Downtown Came Uptown, and that I-ee I-ee I-ee song by Our Lady Peace, (take your pick).

Below: GIGC sings, Keeping my Cheese Dry. The duet of Trebor E-nots and The Pit sing an instrumental in front of the demon D.J. And Bob Noxious, I’m told is still shitting blood after his authentic version of Motorhead’s, Ace of Spades.

No bottom to this Pit

The big news on the weekend wasn't the New Orleans Saints victory over the Eagles. Although, GIGC was as giddy as a school girl.....mainly because she was wearing her school girl outfit....but that’s a different story.

No my friends, the football playoffs were once again relegated to second fiddle by a mighty shadow—The Pit.

In his quest to be the best OBJ has once again shocked the competition by posting a new personal high of 48 wings in 10 minutes.

At first, he went to the Wing Shack in Whitby merely an observer of another semi-final showdown for wing eating. His mission? To stare down those brave enough to consider climbing into the ring with our remorseless wing eating machine at the contest final on Super Bowl Sunday, Feb 4th.

However, the pit felt a tiny pang of hunger growing in his tummy, a yearning, gnawing, seed of discontent in need of satisfaction and sustenance. He decided to enter yet again with the sole purpose of gratifying an empty stomach. After all, it had been nearly 45 minutes since his last meal— a prime rib roast with a cheese cake chaser.

The Pit’s performance was nothing short of spectacular.
His opponents were left to marvel at his technique, be astonished by his capacity to ingest, and checked to see if they still had all their fingers as they walked away with heads hung in defeat.

Is there a man out there with the will to snatch the championship from this man?

I think not!

Feb 4th get out and support your Pit.

cross-posted at Mitchieville

All hail the conquering hero

Forget the football playoffs on the weekend. The Patroits, Eagles, Colts, Seahawks....fuck em all!

The real action was at the Wing Shack in Ajax for the Durham Wing Eating Regional Semi-finals, where a game that real men dare to play was unfolding. One Ball Joe, now known as The Pit, defeated all comers by posting a decisive yet, come-from-behind victory, to advance to the final on Super Bowl Sunday (Feb 4th).

You know what? GIGC likes me to cum-from-behind too sometimes.

OBJ, rated as a massive underdog going into the competition for having only one testicle in his nut sack, still managed to find a little extra gusto from his solitary raisin and slipped by his opponents with ease. He never lost his composure. He always retained his focus. It was a feat which will live on in the pages of sport history along side the accomplishments of Gretzky, Jordan, Montana and the Babe.

It was a movie of the week, a best selling biography, a triumphant feeling of eluding the police after they find you snorting coke off a hooker’s ass.

It was the type of event which left you breathless and with tears welling up in pride for having witnessed its beauty.

Masticating through his last wing— 42 in all in 10 minutes, he left behind a pile of bones reminiscent of the death and destruction at the battle of K’yer Banor and other great one-sided conquests.

After he had crushed the spirits of lesser men to desperation and despair, we took him out for a well deserved victory celebration— all you can eat shrimp at Red Lobster.

Now following a day of rest and a good dump, The Pit, with the assistance of Babosa Miyagi will begin training for perhaps the most important contest of his life.

Good Luck OBJ a.k.a. The Pit.

Wax on. wax off!

Someone cue the theme from Rocky.



They don’t have The Pit's picture up yet, but you can go look at all the wimps that will be his final competition. Just click on photos.

Crossposted on Mitchieville

Blogs you didn't see ( first of 3)

With the picture post on the blink for the past few weeks, I was unable to display images necessary to the following blogs. As a result they were not viewed in a timely fashion and perhaps, after witnessing them now, you wished you still hadn't seen them.

Regardless, here they are.

Results of Camp Mitchieville

Once again it was a productive set of meetings at this year’s political retreat in Camp Mitchieville on the banks of Lake Simcoe and the Kashamawigamawog.

Need proof? Just do the comparison between 2005 and 2006 and you'll see there was a greater camaraderie; a synergy if you will. An essential willingness to get things done for the greater good of the tax paying public..





















It was also a chance to put the peoples hard earned money to use with some well deserved recreational activities. Newly appointed Minister of the Interior Jim Nasium, with outstanding displays of the vernacular, usurped last years champion Fenris Badwolf at trivia.



"Ok Jim.....name for me 10 things you find in an aquarium.......you have thirty seconds.....GO!.........10 things you’d find in an aquarium.......the clock is ticking Jim........come on give me just one thing.......you have 15 seconds Jim.......Jim?...."
















Then Jim teamed up with Trebor Enots and smoked everyone at synchronized snoozing.









Despite the frivolity, much was accomplished as follows:

Garbage pick-up will now be Thursday instead of Tuesday in the Tri-county area.

Four more hotdog vender licences will be awarded to the Uberstrassen Holiday Resort and Tourist Causeway.

The band shell at Old City Hall will be reconstructed after it was burned down two years ago by Homeless Eddie and a statue to Mayor Sr. will be erected. This will now be deemed a pigeon free zone, so kids, please keep your pet pigeons at home.

Smoking will no longer be allowed in public toilets, but strippers are still ok.

In an effort to serve and protect, the Mitchieville police force will be doubled in size with the hiring blitz of two more officers.

Also since Michigan is no longer taking our garbage, a temporary emergency landfill has been designated in Herb Grumbles backyard. Sorry about that Herb, but it's all for the greater good.

Oh......almost forgot.....the decision to sepearate from the rest of Canada and form the country of Mitchieland was defeated by a count of 11-1.

Remember, we are working with you to build a better Mitchieville.

Death becomes us

This week the Mayor lost his father, Mayor Sr.

I am just beginning to find out what a great man he was. GIGC and I were fortunate enough to be able to offer our support to the Mayor in his time of need.

As we age we are all faced with the loss of parents. I myself lost my father last year. It makes you confront your own mortality with the knowledge, you too, will someday pass on.

This was a fervent topic of discussion last evening between myself and our friend base.

Who will be the last surviving member of a wonderful group of lunatics?

And shouldn’t there be some money up for grabs to the imminent winner?

Needless to say, the birth of the death pool saw it’s inception with everyone kicking in $20 bucks and the understanding with each subsequent death an additional $20 by the remaining mourners will be tossed into the pot.

It is with this in mind I offer up the following scenario.

The players.....Strange, GIGC, OBJ, The Mayor, The Little Dutch Girl, Babosa, Dickie Sanchez, Trebor Enots, Bob Noxious..... Pot size $180.00

February 1st, 2028.....OBJ, more affectionately known as One Ball Joe, lost his footing in the frigid morning air while he was roofing a house and fell three stories to the ground. Although the fall didn’t kill him, in fact, it fixed his ailing back, he slipped and fell when he got up and impaled his one good testicle on a near by garden gnome causing instantaneous death.

Due to inflation and the fact $20 no longer buys a loaf of bread the ante has been increased to $100.

Pot size $980.00

February 4th, 2028.....Sadly at OBJ’s wake, long time companion Babosa, recounting the time OBJ fit 5 chicken dinners into his mouth at once, tried to duplicate the feat, and chocked on a chicken bone. She could not be revived.

Pot size $1680.00

July 1st, 2032.... Bob Noxious was murdered in bed while having sex. He was stabbed repeatedly in the spine by the girl’s angry father. Apparent Bob wasn’t aware the government had again raised the age of consent from 16 to 17.

Pot size $2280.00

October 10th, 2035... Strange died from erotic asphyxiation. The details of which are best left out at this time, but he was wearing ass-less leather chaps.

Pot size $2780.00

June 22nd, 2038....The Little "old" Dutch girl was shot by a former student eight times. Once for every year she held him back. The student in question finally graduated public school at the age of 24.

Pot size $3180.00

December 19th, 2043... GIGC after fulfilling a life long desire to be with another woman, chose a partner who has never seen a razor, and subsequently choked on several errant pubic hairs.

Since a $100 no longer buys a carton of milk the ante is increased to $1000

Pot size $6180.00

August 17th, 2051....Destitute and needing money, Trebor Enots tried to scare the Mayor and Dickie Sanchez to death by jumping out of a closet in hopes of winning the pot. Unfortunately, it was a closet that locked from the outside. His body was found three weeks later.

Pot size $8180.00

November 21st, 2058..... Four years after moving into the same retirement home in the thriving metropolis of Greater Mitchieville, and after repeated attempts on each others lives, Dickie Sanchez eventually succumbed to his injuries after being pushed down a flight of stairs.

His jet propelled walker was blamed for the mishap and Pfizer was forced to payout a multibillion dollar settlement to Dickie’s only living acquaintance the Mayor.

Pot size $18,000,8180.00

November 23rd, 2058....Two days after the death of his friend Dickie Sanchez, Multi billionaire, The Mayor was mugged outside his prestigious beach resort home in Aruba by an angry mob of impoverished hooligans.

Bob Noxious now even more so

Congrats to our own Bob Noxious who was offered a new post in the Mayor’s office. Bob will have the all important job of saying things like, "Just two more questions then fuck off," and "that’s not my porn." I’m sure he is in for a long prosperous future of scandals by the Mayor’s side and we all wish him well.

Also, long time Mayoral adversary Jerry Casby has announced that he is leaving Mitchieville to accept a seat in the Calgary legislature. Despite our differences and sometimes underhanded tactics to expose Casby’s seedier side, we also wish him well in his new endeavor.

Jesus, the stuff you hear when you're playing poker.

BTW GIGC, (the b-day girl), suggests all losers of last nights game of Hold 'em, visit the following link to brush up on their poker skills. Sorry OBJ there’s no tips on shuffling.

For all others who have no idea what the hell I’ve been talking about in this post, don’t you have something else to do anyway?

Man!....They're just not trying anymore

I saw the new Cirque Du Soleil show called, "Corteo," last night. It was a split stage with half of the audience on one side and half on the other. A representation of heaven and earth.

Gone is the elaborate make-up, the colorful costumes, (see picture), the haunting music, hell they didn’t even play Metallica in the second act as I requested....Ok I joke. It was excellent as usual. Visually stunning and stunningly visual.

This was my 5th Cirque show, so I feel that I am somewhat qualified to form an opinion. As stated, although the past trademark visuals were absent, the show still had a Phantomesque feel to it that was more alluring than the costume/make-up eye-candy of the past.

The performances were breath taking and the music was less somber, possessing a joyous life that had started to revel itself in past performances like "Varikai" and "Drallion," but had never stood alone like it does in "Corteo".

Except for a few misplaced and awkward comedic bits, I would strongly recommend this production. The only suggestion I would make,....lose the goggles, barbeque fork and the Chuck Norris DVD.

Mayor in his crazy youth

This is the second picture of three that the Mayor spoke of. As you can see it was back in the day when he sported a full head of hair, then someone gave him one of those Ronco Sheep Sheer devices and the rest is history.

Next week: An operation gone horribly wrong.

It's all fun and games until someone enters the working world

We here at strangedaze would like to almost congratulate our man Bob for almost graduating and wish him much success, (hu..hu...I said suck), in his future.

He is now off to Mexico where I'm sure he'll return with a nice tan and a touch of diarrhea.