Rosh Hashanah seems to be all about the Juice

Forget the Jewish New Year, prosecutors filed formal charges Tuesday against O.J. Simpson, alleging the fallen football star committed 10 felonies, including kidnapping, in the armed robbery of sports memorabilia collectors in a casino-hotel room.

Simpson was arrested Sunday after a collector reported a group of armed men charged into his hotel room and took several items Simpson claimed belonged to him. Simpson has proclaimed his innocence.

I'm sure if OJ agrees to help find the the real burglar they'll let him go.

Here come the judge, here come the judge

Preparing for what will undoubtedly be another media feeding frenzy, a second judge has been appointed to deal exclusively with the media in the Simpson robbery.

What they didn't tell you is the second judge is Judge Reinhold who hasn't had a decent roll since Beverley Hills Cop.

Size does matter

The United Arab Emirates' upstart Burj Dubai, still under construction, has surpassed the CN Tower as the world's tallest structure with a growth spurt that will end next year with the Dubai skyscraper topping 800 metres.

Burj Dubai now stands at 555 metres, outstripping the CN Tower's 553 metres by the height of a tall man.

A wake for the dead

Morgue examiners in a Venezuelan hospital began their autopsy as usual but soon got a nasty shock: the "dead" man under knife started bleeding and woke up in excruciating pain, according to media reports Tuesday.

Carlos Camejo, 33, was declared dead after a highway accident and taken to the morgue, where examiners began the autopsy with an incision to Camejo's face, but realized something was wrong because the dead didn't bleed. They quickly stitched up the gash.

When his grieving wife turned up at the morgue to identify her husband's body, she found her other half very much alive and with a newly stitched facial wound.

She immediately dumped the new boy-toy and returned the insurance money.

From Russia with love

A Russian region of Ulyanovsk has found a novel way to fight the nation's birth-rate crisis: It has declared Sept. 12 the Day of Conception and for the third year running is giving couples time off from work to procreate.

I wonder if this is a paid holiday?

The hope is for a brood of babies exactly nine months later on Russia's national day. Couples who "give birth to a patriot" during the June 12 festivities win money, cars, refrigerators and other prizes.

Bob Barker should be coaxed out of retirement.

Mybreast

Many mothers are furious over the fact that MySpace has been deleting any photos that portray breastfeeding. The photos are being pulled for violating the terms of agreement, which state that any content that is offensive, illegal or violate the rights, harm, or threaten the safety of any person may be deleted. Many are wondering how images of breastfeeding fits into those terms.

And I'm guessing I'll just have to go back to downloading porn to look at women's tits. The babies were blocking my view anyway.

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse

Before you watch this, a personal apology to Reg. Apparently "Chocolate Rain" was just the beginning. This guy is going to keep coming back like Jason.


Felon of Troy

Looking near tears and in a voice fraught with emotion, Toronto Blue Jay, Troy Glaus on Saturday commented for the first time concerning his name being connected to multiple shipments of steroids by an Orlando-based pharmacy that is the subject of a criminal investigation.

Unlike St. Louis Cardinals outfielder Rick Ankiel, who after being linked to shipments of human growth hormone in a New York Daily News story immediately announced he had received all his treatment under a doctor's care, Glaus offered what amounted to an extended 'no comment.'

The 31-year-old did not specify if he would address the subject in more detail at a later date.

I don't know....the last time I looked at the stats Troy wasn't hitting the ball like Barry.

Hope I die before I get old

Researchers at Liverpool John Moores University, whose report appeared in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, studied a sample of North American and British rock and pop stars and concluded they are more than twice as likely to die a premature death as ordinary citizens of the same age.

Really? Did anyone include the Stones or Ozzy in this research?

Good to the last pop

The three companies that sell Orville Redenbacher, Act II, Pop Secret and Jolly Time microwave popcorn are planning to revamp their microwave popcorn formulations to remove diacetyl, which was been linked to cases of bronchiolitis obliterans, a rare life-threatening disease often called popcorn lung, the Associated Press reported on Wednesday.

At least one man who ate several bags of butter-flavored microwave popcorn each day developed a life-threatening lung disease possibly caused by the additive, which gives popcorn its buttery flavor, Reuters reported.

Whew! I'm glad I stuck to huffing glue.

Suit follows suit

Kyla Ebbert, 23, was recently escorted off a Southwest Airlines flight by a male customer service supervisor for wearing the outfit shown in this photograph. The college student and Hooters waitress was later permitted to return to the plane and take her flight, but only after she put up a fuss and adjusted her outfit. She is currently seeking legal representation to sue the airline.

I know how she feels. I was once told to leave a flight after I used my penis to stir GIGC's rye and ginger.....frickin' tight wads.

Scare Air

Nine people were hurt Thursday night when WestJet Flight 80 from Calgary to Halifax suddenly plummeted like an airborne roller-coater as it hit a patch of turbulence.

Paramedics were waiting at Halifax Stanfield International Airport and used food service trucks to lift them into the plane to pull injured passengers from the aircraft.

Seems to me they should have that chick from Hooters on the flight. They could have prevented most of the injuries.

I'd like to be the bigger man

It seems I may have angered some opera fans with my insensitive use of Pavarotti's death for my own personal gain. I am deeply sorry and will do my best to make it up to you....in song.

I see a big silhouetto of a man
Scaramouch, scaramouch it must be Pavarotti
He died from pancreatic - cancer it was tragic
Gallileo, Gallileo,
Gallileo, Gallileo,
Pavaratti did Figaro - magnifico

Easy come easy go - will you let him go
Bismillah! No - we will not let him go - let him go
Bismillah! We will not let him go - let him go
Bismillah! We will not let him go - let me go
Will not let you go - let him go (never)
Never let you go - let him go
Never let him go - ooo
No, no, no, no, no, no, no -
Oh mama mia, mama mia, I never saw that play
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me
for me
for me!!!!!!!!!

I'm not sure, but I think I'm still going to hell?

Cross posted on Mitchieville

Mid week siesta

Cheee! Soy feliz de expresar mis pensamientos en noticias de mundo.

Hello again. I Jose wife, and I translate Jose. He say "He happy to be able to share his....how you say?.....'thinks' with the people on world news".

Greece fire

Fire officials in Greece say progress is being made in fighting deadly wildfires sweeping the country but many fires are not yet contained.

The fires have claimed at least 63 lives and burned numerous villages and thousands of hectares of forest.

Estas personas son estúpidas. Haga ellos no saben que usted es supuesto poner bicarbonato de soda en un fuego de grasa?

Jose say, " Don't people know baking soda is best to use on grease fire?"

The answer is Owen in the wind

The incident on Sunday afternoon that landed actor Owen Wilson in the hospital was called in to police as a suicide attempt, according to Santa Monica Police Department phone logs.

According to the records, a call was received at 12:08 p.m. on Sunday for an incident listed as "attempt suicide." Wilson remains in stable condition at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Beverly Hills, California.

Este hombre es un cobarde. Cuán puedele más explica alguien que mira tan bueno que mi esposa lame su cartel como lo está hecho de frijoles refritos. El finalmente Le debe haber mirado Mí y Dupree. Eso es lo que lo manejó sobre la orilla.

Jose say,"Owen is a coward"- He is not!
Jose also say, "He good looking and I lick his poster at night like it's made of refried beans"- I do not!
Jose also say, "Owen must have finally watched 'You Me and Dupree' That's what drove him to try to kill himself.- Jose is sleeping on the couch tonight!

From Dog to God

Michael Vick

NFL star quarterback Michael Vick pleaded guilty yesterday to a dogfighting charge, then took his first steps toward what he hopes will be redemption. Saying "I need to grow up," the quarterback apologized to the league and to the "young kids that I've let down who look at Michael Vick as a role model." He also said he has found God.

Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!.

Jose say, "Michael Vick is a good and honorable man. Dog fighting an honorable sport. He bet all the time with his aunts, uncles, grandparents, nieces, nephews and children back in Mexico" He say, " Vick should be hailed as a hero not a criminal".....but Jose wrong!

Qué es usted le haciendo mujerzuela grande???

I say he should be locked up for long time- And don't call me a slut Jose. You are already sleeping on the couch remember?- If Vick has truely found God, let us pray that he doesn't drown, shoot or electrocute our heavenly father too.....

Eso es suficiente usted vaca gorda!!!!

Usted duerme mejor con el pene en una mano y el sissors en el otro.....usted pedo parcialmente calvo viejo!

Translate easily here.

Cross posted on Mitchievillisimo

It's all death and destruction

DEATH:

Studies now concur, women who have had breast augmentation.....here's my chance to insert a picture of a overly large breasted woman

......are three times more likely to commit suicide or to die from drug or alcohol dependence.

Really, I can empathise with these women. Why, after I had my penis extension I thought about ending it several times. Personally, I think their mortality rate is tied in to the fact they get given more free drugs and alcohol than their budgie-sized-breast counterparts. But that's just me and my giant penis talking.

Squeeze that OJ

O.J. Simpson must pay the family of the late Ronald Goldman any money he earns from a video game featuring his likeness , to satisfy a $38 million wrongful death judgment, a judge ruled Tuesday.

The game, All-Pro Football 2K8, features Simpson's likeness and a team called the Assassins playing as one of 240 former football greats.

I had this idea back in the early 90's. No! Not about an O.J. football video game, but to have a game where you could play teams and stars from past eras against one another. However, do you think I could get anyone at EA Sports to listen to me and my giant penis? NO!

As far as I'm concerned O.J. owes me money.

Back to school...don't forget your Kevlar

It’s back-to-school time so load up with those pencils, notebooks, rulers and, of course, a bullet-deflecting backpack, if you buy the pitch of the security accessory’s Danvers inventors.

Dads Mike Pelonzi, 43, and Joe Curran, 42, dreamed up the bullet-proof backpack, which also blunts knife attacks, to protect their own children after witnessing the Columbine massacre in 1999.

The backpacks, which will cost $175, have a super-lightweight bullet-proof plate sewn into the back which weighs no more than a bottle of water. Pelonzi said the material used is a secret.

“We have tested and tested this product and we are very excited about it. We researched every school shooting since 1900 and found that our product is resistant to 97 percent of all bullets used,” added the father of two.

OK, so how long before some kid decides to see who has this product and who doesn't and goes to school with a gun to find out?

" Would ya look at that? None of the 1st graders had the backpack. Let's try the second grade."

Might as well sew on the bullseyes now.

Send us your tired, your hungry, your huddled gang members

A rumour that's been circulating in Brampton for the past 18 months has created a stir.

The rumour said people from the Jane and Finch area of Toronto are being paid between $5,000 and $10,000 to relocate to northwest Brampton. It has spawned complaints in the form of emails and telephone calls to city hall and police from people who think gang members are moving into their neighbourhoods.

Mayor Susan Fennell, a trusted politician, has assure the public the rumour is not true.

A trusted politician huh? Note to self: When house hunting- cross Brampton off the list.

Get the lead out: Part I

Lead poisoning can cause vomiting, anemia and learning difficulties. In extreme cases, it can cause severe neurological damage and death. Just ask the Chinese. They've been exporting it to you in your children's toys.

China said yesterday that it has banned lead-tainted exports by two toy manufacturers whose products were subject to major recalls in the United States, Beijing's latest effort to repair its reputation as a safe supplier.

Now if they'd just do something about the lead tainted sex toys.

I see dead people

Over at Myspace where there is a morbid fascination to view the pages of recently deceased members.

Is it any wonder I can't get anyone to view the Sector page?

Dead portrait's society

A Canadian artist has come up with a new way to memorialise cremated loved ones: a portrait, drawn with a pencil created from their ashes.

Lucas Seaward, an Edmonton, Alberta, portrait artist, says he has developed a process for incorporating about a tablespoon of ashes into a type of pencil that can be used for drawing a memorial portrait in shades of grey.

OK, that just creeps me the fuck out!......Uncle John? Is that you?


DESTRUCTION:

A Polish woman came back from holiday to find the local council had built a traffic island and a new road in her back garden.

But when Alicja Ziemowit, 48, complained she was told a change in the law meant local council officials could use private land for road building without consent and without paying compensation.

A spokesman for the local council in Lodz said: "I don't know why she is complaining, it is not a busy road, and she can still get to the back of her garden quite easily."

He added: "She still owns the land, it just has a road on it now."

If it were me, I'd be setting up a toll booth on that baby and paying gang members to move to Poland. In your face local council officials.

We've been expecting you Mr. Bonds

756? Big deal. From a juiced-up, obnoxious clown. Go compete in the Tour De France Barry, you'd be more at home.

Speaking of records being broken

Nationwide, sales of canned beer are up 10 per cent over last year, and a whopping 27 per cent in Ontario alone, according to a recent report from The Brewers Association of Canada. Not to mention sales of wine and tequila have also spiked.

I think I better have a little talk with GIGC?

Speaking of records being hidden

Adolf Hitler, the most notorious champion of Richard Wagner and “racially pure” German music, banished Jewish and Russian musicians from the concert halls of the Third Reich — but apparently listened secretly to their work.

Want to know what Adolf would take with him to a desert island?

Tchaikovsky, Borodin and Rachmaninov. Also, the Austrian Jewish pianist Artur Schnabel, whose mother was killed by the Nazis, had his work included in Hitler’s personal collection.

Get the lead out: Part II

A 59-year-old German woman has had most of a pencil removed from inside her head after suffering nearly her whole life with the headaches and nosebleeds it caused, Bild newspaper reported on Monday.

Margret Wegner fell over carrying the pencil in her hand when she was four.

“The pencil went right through my skin — and disappeared into my head,” Wegner told the newspaper.

At the time no one dared operate, but now technology has improved sufficiently for doctors to be able to remove it.

Now she can have it used with a dead ones ashes.

Sector electrifies crowd with acoustic set but causes near riot



Private Sector performed a surprise acoustic set at Sibbald Point last weekend sending a near capacity crowd into a frenzy.

The band opened with a rendition of Midnight Oil's, Bullroarer and Pink Floyd's, Comfortably Numb, before ripping into the meat of the Sector catalogue which included The Cure, The Torture Never Stops, Heart of Darkness, The Mask, Sleepless, Holdin’ Out, Where Were You, Standing on the Edge, The Gardener, Colder the Compromise, and Handmade Heart.

Also performed were a scattering of cover songs like Superman’s Dead, Hurt, Brown Eyed Girl, and Desire.

Some who believed Sector’s set was too short started a small riot, burning several tents and picnic tables in a display in disappointment. Park officials said they did not intervene as the campsite's fire ban was not in effect between the hours of 8pm - 1am.

Cross posted at Mitchieville

Deja view

Was I suddenly transported back in time? I feel like this news has all been presented to you and I before.....let's see....Britany is pregnant again, Lindsay is busted for erratic driving and possession of drugs, A Simple Life star gets jail time.....yup I've definitely found a portal to the past. Time to invest in Google and RIM stock.

Drew Carey come on down!

You're the next host on "The Price Is Right"

"The Price Is Right" debuted on Sept. 4, 1972, before many of you were even born.
Almost 35 years later, it's the second-longest-running game show ever. Only "Sabado Gigante," a Spanish language variety show, has been on the air longer.

Remember that one the next time you play Trivial Pursuit. Actually I heard they chose Drew because he was the only host willing to get neutered.

House about that

I knew the T.O. housing market was hot but.....a woman in the Beach got $650,000 more than her asking price in a bidding war....

Warning to perspective buyers: watch out for mumified babies in the attic.

....and that overnight line you might have witnessed downtown was not for faithful fans waiting for concert tickets, or Harry Potter novels, it was Real estate Agents waiting for the next phase of a condo development to go on sale. A condo that will not be habitable for three years!

Looks like GIGC and myself picked a good time to sell our house, but a bad time to stop smoking crack.

Lyin' feline ain't lyin'

A US cat that is reportedly able to sense when a nursing home's residents are about
to die is baffling doctors.

Oscar has a habit of curling up next to patients at the home in Providence, Rhode Island, in their final hours.

According to the author of an article in the New England Journal of Medicine, the two-year-old cat has been observed to be correct in 25 cases so far.

Staff now alert the families of residents when he sits down next to their ailing loved one.

I've been so creeped out by this story since I heard it, I repeatedly kick the cat off the bed at night.

What do sugar, tar, and water have in common?

No....It's not the newest version of Lucky Charms with "Sugary moons, tars and clovers".

No....They are not all items found in Linsay Lohan's pants, nor are the sexual lubricants for Drew Carey.

Wrong again....They are not elements when mixed together can predict death.

If you said they were all loads being hauled in transport trucks that have flipped over on major highways in the Big Smoke in the past 2 weeks creating commuter chaos you'd be right.

You were probably sitting in grid-lock like I was swearing your face off?

Where's Johnny Wad #4



Cross posted on Mitchieville

Let's hear it for the big loser

The Philadelphia Phillies, who this week became the first professional sports team to lose 10,000 games. Futility has followed them since the day they were born, and Sunday night was no different for the losingest team in sports history. Loss No. 10,000 came when Albert Pujols hit two of the St. Louis Cardinals’ six homers in a 10-2 rout.

Just to put things in perspective: I'd have to be rejected by women I hit on in bars for the next six weeks to even have a chance of surpassing that number.

Let's hear it for the big loser: Part deux

As Michael Vick's career goes to the dogs.

The federal indictment of the star Atlanta Falcons quarterback and Nike endorser, in one fell swoosh has dragged dogfighting into the national spotlight.

Pick a subjective word for this blood sport. Vicious. Gruesome. Inhumane. Side-splittingly hilarious. Some sick souls would say it's honorable.

Whatever you choose, know this: Dogfighting is illegal in all 50 states. It's a federal crime. And it's happening in the San Joaquin Valley, where another barbaric excuse to gamble -- cockfighting -- is big business.

Perhaps Vick should have whipped out his penis and gone the cockfighting route?

Women are getting bullish

Women in the northern Spanish city of Pamplona, world-famous for its ferocious bull-running festival, are demanding their own version complete with cows instead of bulls.

Does that mean the women who run will all be plus-sized?

Women have been allowed to take part in the San Fermin bull-running for some years but they still represent a tiny minority of the thousands of runners who attempt to dodge 600-kilo bulls along an 800-metre course through the streets of Pamplona.

I say let em run with the bulls. They won't get hurt. Why I gored GIGC repeated just the other day and other than her repeated screams of pleasure, she seemed relatively unscathed.

Look out Barbie

Twelve inches high, these soft plush toys come in three beloved Bible characters ?
Moses, Esther and, of course, Jesus complete with biblical messages.

Like what? "Please don't crucify me." and "Thou shall not worship other plush dolls."

The doll's voice is activated when the child hugs its red heart. The simple but profound messages the dolls speak are at the heart of what these lovable teaching tools are all about. Here's a sample of those messages:-- I love you and I have an exciting plan for your life. (Jesus: Jeremiah 29:11)--

Say Jesus, did that plan including living paycheck to paycheck, with the government busting my balls for money I owe them, 7 STD's, a rare form of prostate cancer and a partridge...in a pear tree?

Sorry, I couldn't find out if the dolls were anatomically correct or not. "Moses' rope belt is hanging out of his robe. hey! That's not his rope!"


Wanna whole lotta puke

The world's first rock 'n' roll theme park, Hard Rock Park introduces Led Zeppelin - The Ride. This rock 'n' roll themed roller coaster will stand over 150-feet tall and feature a high fidelity onboard audio system that plays Led Zeppelin's hit single "Whole Lotta Love" while passengers are sent through a series of six inversions. Led Zeppelin - The Ride is a mix of classic rock 'n' roll and amusement ride thrills. Keeping with the theme, the loading station will be designed to look like a giant zeppelin.

Way down in side....woman....you need a barf bag.

The search for the perfect opening act continues

Private Sector is still searching for interesting acts to open their fall tour. The newest acts to throw their hat into the ring for your consideration.

Sasha and Sanchez: Magic act extraordinaire- Show stopper is when Sasha pulls 22 pairs of underwear from Sanchez's pants.


or

Chess Piece Face: An obscure They Might Be Giants cover band. Unlike the TMBG duo, CPF has only one member.



If you'd like to see Sasha and Sanchez or Chess Piece Face, send your choice with 2 Count Chocula box tops
to: Mitchieville, Ont. ONO FU2 c/o The Mayor's office.

Cross posted at Mitchieville

Old news to choose for reviews

It’s been a few weeks since I had the time to devote to News and Reviews you can’t possibly use. Other duties have gotten in the way: Pottahawk, putting the hacienda up for sale, arson...no wait! Scratch the last one. It wasn’t me. Honestly.

I even had to miss the Mayor's blogfest party at the mansion. Guess I'll have to swing from the chandelier without my pants some other time.....maybe this Friday?

However, I’ve been left with a wealth of material I can’t post since most of it’s old news like Springtime for Paris-

Yup it’s been that long. Who cares about anything Hilton anyway? I mean when your favorite passage from the bible is...uh...that last one....Reservations?

A female jockey won the Queen’s Plate for the 1st time ever.

As far as I’m concerned women and horses should only be seen together in porn. What’s next? I suppose they’ll be wanting the vote?

As you read on Mitchieville, NASA has put the 6 million dollar bum rush on a toilet for the space station.

Hey guys! Have you ever head of Home Depot? $19.95.

A new study shows kids would rather give up TV than the Internet.

Sure. It's much easier to download porn and meet pedophiles.

I also learned that 7 out of 10 terrorists recommend doctors and Honest Ed died, but that’s all ancient news......OK except for Honest Ed. Wonder how long before the musical: Honest Dead?

I'm Lavigne on a jet plane

Just when it seemed Avril Lavigne was in the clear, her song writing ability and authenticity has been called into question again. Music buffs have pointed to Lavigne's new song I Don't Have to Try and made direct comparisons to Peaches' 2003 track I'm the Kinda.

Hey Avril. Steal some Sector songs will ya. We could use the publicity. Next week: Avril claims to be the first woman jockey to win the Queen's Plate.

Oooo that smell...

Researchers from the New York State Psychiatric Institute say they have found that a smell identification test can predict Alzheimer's disease. An inability to identify certain odors like roses or gasoline can show which people with cognitive impairment will go on to develop Alzheimer's.

Get back to me when you lose the ability to smell your own shit. If that's one of the odors, I'm gonna get Alzheimer's, but at least I won't be alone.

What's black and orange all over?

A U.S. jury found Conrad Black guilty of three counts of criminal fraud and the serious charge of obstruction of justice -- but cleared the former media tycoon of racketeering, wire fraud and tax evasion on Friday.

The convictions mean Black, 62, faces a maximum sentence of 35 years, if served consecutively, and US$1 million in fines.

Better get the bible open to Reservations.

We're #1! We're #1


Welcome to "Toker Nation". According to the UN Office on Drugs and Crime and based on a percentage of population, Canada now has the distinction of being the number one industrialized country in the world for marijuana use.
The 2007 World Drug Report by the UN Office on Drugs and Crime says that 16.8 per cent of Canadians between the ages of 15 and 64 either smoked pot or "ingested one of its derivatives" in the last calendar year.

In your face Micronesia and Papua New Guinea!

Where's Johnny Wad #2



Yup. I'm pretty sure I can't smell my own shit.

Cross posted on Mitchieville.

Show me your nuts

Which shouldn’t be too hard since today is the Gay Pride Parade in the Big Smoke- the most successful event of its kind, responsible for bringing in millions in tourist dollars.

Personally I’ll just remain home and celebrate quietly....not that there’s anything wrong with that.

I’ll get out the old Cher and Rocky Horror vinyl LPs out of the closet (no pun intended), maybe put on a wig and boa and have a blast, with GIGC and the cat as my witnesses.

If like me, you’re into staying put with your debauchery, instead of a drunken public display of alternative lifestyles, perhaps I can make a few recommendations for your listening pleasure?





I’m sorry you have the Wong number

China has been forced to mull the possibility of allowing double-barrelled surnames in a break with the ancient tradition that citizens adopt one of a hundred single character surnames.

The top ten Chinese surnames are: Wang, Li, Zhang, Liu, Chen, Yang, Huang, Zhao, Zhou, Wu.

The official total of permitted surnames is 161, but this doesn't do much to offset the fact that there are now 93 million Wangs in China - albeit very tiny wangs- something which is causing the authorities a bit of a problem.

Proposed additions to surnames are: Hung Low, Sum Yung Guy, Jones, Smith, Wong Way, Biff, and Angel-Drawers- just to name a few.

Police Official, Xang Biff Angel-Drawers, explained that "there are so many people who share an identity that it is becoming confusing", a name like Wang Tao is shared by no less than 100,000 people. "You can see how police work can be very difficult."

Journey begins as Sopranos end

Whatever you think of David Chase’s weird ending to “The Sopranos,” there’s no denying that the final song, Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin,” was a catchy, slightly kitschy choice of music. So catchy that one might be tempted to buy into the theory that Chase’s bizarre final scene was in fact a giant practical joke.

Of course it's no practical joke for Journey who have seen sales, airplay and downloads of their music increase in some cases up to 600%.

But if that song absolutely drives you over the edge, you can access this link. You can insert your own music over the ending sequence. Try the theme from "Curb Your Enthusiasm". By far, a much better choice.

Thou shall not flip me off

The Vatican has issued 10 Commandments for drivers. The 36-page document called Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road outlines suggestions for those who need a little direction while behind the wheel to keep them from travelling on a highway to hell.

Some of my favorites, in no particular order are:

Thou shall not pick up hookers, drug addicts, gay, lesbian, or trans-gendered people.
(In other words: Avoid the Toronto downtown core this weekend.)

Thou shall not covet thy neighbours stick shift.

Thou shall put no SUV before thy God.

Thou may pray unless praying for the light to turn green.

Thou shall not pick, scratch or otherwise pleasure thy self behind the wheel.

Thou shall not take the lord’s name in vain unless a GPS system and a midget are involved.

Thou shall not use thy steering wheel as a drum set during Rush songs.

OK I was just kidding about the last one...oh and all the ones that preceded it. But don't you think I should be working for the Vatican?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hacker

A hacker named Gabriel claims to have hacked into the computers of Bloomsbury, the publishing house that distributes the Harry Potter books. The hacker claims to have used a browser exploit to gain access to the final Potter book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

Gabriel has posted a major, and I do mean MAJOR spoiler which happens near the end of the story.

I in turn am going to post the spoiler here. Why? Cause I’m a prick.....and here it is.......Are you ready?

*Warning: Spoiler*

Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s father.

There. No need to buy the book now.

Great moments in Pottahawk history

The attack of Godzilla Johny Wad in '03



Idol search on idle

OK, so last week wasn’t really a video replay of a Private Sector rehearsal, It was however, a band we were considering as our opening act for the up coming tour.

Unfortunately, they are already booked and will be touring various tool sheds in Austria this fall.

Therefore, the search is on for the perfect opening act who will suck just enough to make us look and sound spectacular.

Feel free to cast your votes for whoever you feel would be the best representative. Here are two worthy combatants vying for our interest.

First we have Bunchoffuckincrybabies.



Secondly we present Butch, Alvin's cousin twice removed, the fourth Chipmunk that was kicked out of the band for obsessive heroin use.



The voting lines at Sector Idol are now open.

Cross posted at Mitchieville.

Fodder's Day

I’ve been a little remiss in my duties this week as far as keeping an ear out for all things freaky and weird. Hence, I have nothing in the way of news to Blog about.

Sure, there was talk of making public breast feeding the norm, which would destroy the sale of milk-based products in restaurants and grocery stores.

And alarming statistics were released concerning an increase in accidents when wearing stilettos while driving , but since my last accident I’ve moved to the more comfortable flip-flops.

I guess really, my mind has been preoccupied with Father’s Day and band rehearsals- which are going fine BTW- thanks for asking. Just check this out. We could probably start doing shows tomorrow and would probably still be playing now if the Ice Cream Truck hadn't showed up.



Thanks to the ubiquitous Bob Noxious for providing the video evidence. That was him in the red shorts coming on to stage right.

In all I’m not left with much of a blog this week. My sincerest apologies, or “you owe me one”- depending on which side of the Strange fence you sit.

However, I will leave you with this hopefully entertaining tidbit.....

Great moments in Pottahawk history

The first Pottahawk was no where near the great success it is today, happening purely by accident. It was the Roaring 20's when an errant beach goer dropped his pocket watch in the murky waters of Pottahawk. Many a considerate bystander agreed to help him find it in the waist-deep soup.


Yet, it wasn’t until later in the day when a young woman also lost her knickers that the excitement increased to a fevered pitch- a sexual feeding frenzy, that is to this day, unmatched in the celluloid annals of modern Adult Bukkake Cinema .

In later years the acts of wanton sex would give way to the less intrusive ritual of women showing off their breasts for the accumulation of dollar store beads, with all curbing their lust by ingesting alcohol in an on going reckless destruction of the liver.

Cross posted at Mitchieville

Grease up your fist Big Bertha

Guess who's back
Back in jail
Paris’s back Looking pale
Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back
guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back.

So the Judge won't let you be
or let you be free, so let me see
Nobody cares, how much you kick, cry , scream
Just like “The Simple Life” season three
So, get ready to dip, bum on your lips
Fuck that, cum on your lips, and some on your tits
And get ready, cause this shit's not about you Paris
You can’t turn to your Lawyer, Psychiatrist, Mom and Dad, Heiress
This is extortion, of biblical proportions
40 days and 40 nights with little meal portions?
How will I survive, in there they want me dead or alive?
Why, even these orange jumpsuits give me hives

(chorus)
Don’t matter how much you scream and yell
Like the guy outside court who raised some hell
Cause now you hear the tolling bell
You’re going back to that tiny cell
Don’t matter how much you scream and yell
Like the guy outside court who raised some hell
Cause now you hear the tolling bell
You’re going back to that tiny cell

I'd rather go down on my husband

Twenty percent of women would rather walk on hot coals, go to the dentist, or wear an orange jumpsuit, than wear a swimsuit. In fact, fifty percent of women have turned down invitations that required wearing a swimsuit, and 45 percent would never walk around the beach or pool without covering up first, according to the results of a body image survey published in the June 2007 issue of Fitness magazine.

Fitness, in partnership with Lands' End, polled 500 women, ages 18-49, to understand how women's behaviour, anxiety level, and self-confidence are affected when wearing a swimsuit. The results point to a discouraging trend of women so conscious about their shape and size that it affects the way they live and interact with friends, colleagues, and family.

Ladies let me put your worries to rest. Even if you have a little extra meat on the bone, or cottage cheese on the thighs, junk in the trunk as well as the back seat, or you are voluptuous, don’t worry. Men may think you’re fat but they’ll still fuck you anyway.

Hogzilla

The huge hog that became known as "Monster Pig" was killed by an 11-year-old boy.

Jamison Stone shot the huge hog during what he and his father described as a three-hour chase. They said it was more than 1,000 pounds and 9 feet long; if anything, it looked even bigger in a now-famous photo of the hunter and the hunted.



Either way you look at it, that's a lot of friggin' bacon. And I'm sure you wouldn't see it in a swimsuit either?

Thanks for the story Bug.

Jiminy cricket?

Apparently cricket is the worlds second most popular sport behind soccer. In Brampton however it now rules the roost where there are a shortage of pitches to play on.

Only a few years ago Brampton had only 12 cricket teams. The number has since swelled to 74 teams, surpassing hockey and baseball as the dominate sport in the area.

Brampton also leads the way in the permeating aroma of curry powder and the number of mattresses on lawns.

This shit could sell

The price of nitrogen-based fertilizer is soaring in the United States. In just a few months prices have jumped 50%. Most commercially available nitrogen-based fertilizer is originally derived from natural gas or methane, and natural gas prices have been rising steadily this year.

Also, Corn cultivation requires oodles of nitrogen, and the acreage of farmland devoted to corn in the U.S. this year has jumped dramatically. When the cost of production of a commodity and the demand for it rise at the same time, you've got trouble.

So now manufacturers, suppliers and users have turned to chicken shit, literally, to meet the demand. The poop in the coop has chickens working overtime and farmers banking on the industry.

Just let me know when you need my excrement? I’m already bagging it up and storing it in the shed just in case.

Maybe God should learn to dress snappier?

The days of hats, gloves and keeping covered up in your Sunday best must be long gone because there's a rash of brash dressing in Toronto -- and no doubt elsewhere across the country. Not surprising, given that "dressing up" for women often means a great pair of jeans, chic platforms and a glam top that flatters and camouflages any problem spots.

Church is the best place to meet chicks.....that and funerals.

A Toronto Pastor has issued two notices on 'Dressing for Church' in his Sunday bulletins, asking women to "dress in a 'modest' way -- a way that does not draw undue attention to your beauty or physique, so that you will not be upstaging God, who gave you these gifts."

Damn! God must be a real horndog, or at the very least a Sugar Daddy? You know GIGC thought I was a Sugar Daddy when she met me, but she soon found out I was just a low-cal saccharine man.

Strapless dresses, T-shirts and short skirts, oh my! How will people keep their eyes on their hymn books?

I don't know about that. Seems to me vivacious women would have me praying a lot more.....TO GET SOME! OH YEAH! I'm headed to the Corral tonight!

Cross posted at Mitchieville

Free man in Paris

Initially I was going to do a weekly Paris Hilton diary from jail....however, as many of you may already know, she was released today to 40 days of house arrest instead. So, you will have to enjoy the abbreviated version of her three day stay in the slammer.

Day 1 excerpts:
8:00 AM- Paris checks in and thankfully doesn’t have to submit to a full body cavity search; a project her fellow inmates will no doubt examine at a later time.
8:01 AM- Paris cries for the first time.
8:05 AM- Paris asks if the jump-suits come in another colour other than flat, fall pumpkin citrus?
8:05:15 AM- When informed they also come in orange, Paris cries again.
8:21 AM- Paris is aghast at the limited closet space and wants to know when she’ll be seeing the rest of her accommodations?
8:22 AM- Informed that the closet is her cell, Paris cries.
9:15 AM- Paris asks for a Perrier with a lemon twist.
9:16 AM- When informed she has perfectly good water located in her toilet, Paris cries and spends much of the rest of the day crying.

Day 2 excerpts:

7:00 AM- The bidding begins and Paris is sold to Big Bertha for a pack of smokes and a tube of lip gloss.
7:01 AM- Paris spends the rest of the day crying and hiding under her bunk while Big Bertha runs to grease up her fist.
10:17 PM- Paris complains of being cold and asks for another blanket.
10:22 PM- Guards deliver the blanket- made from the jagged-ass-wool from around a sheep’s anus.
10:22:02 PM- Paris cries.

Day 3 excerpts:

9:01 AM- Paris gets a visit from her Lawyer and her Psychiatrist. It is determined that Paris will be released to serve out her sentence in the confines of her 9,000 square foot home, but will have to wear a monitoring ankle bracelet.
9:02 AM- Paris asks how many diamonds are on the bracelet?
9:03 AM- When informed none, Paris cries and is escorted home.

* Apparently her early release was due to an unspecified medical reasons.

I’m no doctor, but I didn’t think having a fist pumped repeatedly into your vagina was classified as a medical reason?

Personally I am so outraged by this blatant two-tiered justice system for the rich that if I could afford to stay in the Hilton, I wouldn't, just to protest. I'd say "That's the last time you'll ever find me in a Hilton", which of course is what Big Bertha said too. *snare/cymbal*

Cross posted on Mitchieville

This week brought to you by the Scripps National Spelling Bee

Evan M.O'Dorney 13, who won this year's championship by correctly spelling the winning word "truck", has graciously agreed to be here and help me out on this weeks Blog.

Coming out of the closet

So David Hyde Pierce is gay huh?........yup........OK, what's next?

A-Rod an A-Hole

A-Hole....Capitol A...hyphen....

Not yet Evan.

Sorry.

If it wasn't bad enough the ubiquitous Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees.......I said the ubiquitous Alex Rodriguez, Evan.....

Oh....ubiquitous.....U-B-I-Q-U-I-T-O-U-S

Very good Evan. Now go back into your coma.

The ubiquitous A-Rod was seen with a mysterious blonde woman gallivanting around Toronto this week while his wife and 2 and a half year old daughter remained in New York. Then A-Rod pulled another Bush League move, breaking baseball's unwritten code, by yelling "Mine!" and distracting a Toronto infielder which allowed a ninth-inning popup to fall for a run-scoring single.

Troy Glaus, Toronto's regular third baseman, said the last time he saw that move was in the baseball comedy "Major League 2."

What's next for A-Rod? A terrorist plot against the Mets I'll bet?

The bigger they are

Doesn't really matter because, now there's a catalogue that acquiesces.....

Acquiesces.....A-Q-U-I-E-S-C-E-S

....to the obese American who is living larger virtually every day.

At first glance, the catalog's pitch for lawn chairs appears ordinary: A seated man and woman relax near a tree-lined lake shore, enjoying drinks.


But look closer. "Supports up to 800 lbs," reads the text next to the man's $139.95 lawn chair.

Flip deeper into the catalog, and the products get even more specialized, such as a "Big John" toilet seat with a 1,200-pound capacity - "larger than any other toilet seat in the world" - priced at $124.95.

The products are in "LivingXL," an online and print catalog launched in May by the parent company of Casual Male XL, the nation's largest chain of men's plus-size clothing and apparel stores. Casual Male Retail Group hopes to parlay the marketing know-how from its 500 stores into the largely untapped market for specialty products that make life easier for the growing population of obese men and women.

A monster of a sighting

An amateur scientist has captured what Loch Ness Monster watchers say is among the finest footage ever taken of the elusive mythical creature reputed to swim beneath the waters of Scotland's most mysterious lake.

"I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw this serendipitous jet black thing...."

Serendipitous....S-E-R-E-N...

Evan let the guy talk.........ya little bastard.

"about 45-feet (15 meters) long, moving fairly fast in the water," said Gordon Holmes, the 55-year-old a lab technician from Shipley, Yorkshire, who took the video this past Saturday.



Sorry...the real video was just too boring. The real vid is here if your suffering from insomnia.

Coming in 3's
3 summer jobs I wouldn't want:

1. Iraqi Policeman
2. Pool boy for George Takei
3. Personal boil sucker for Rosie O'Donnell

3 people I wouldn't want to be:

1. An Ottawa Senators fan
2. Paris Hilton's cellmate
3. Paparazzi for Charles Nelson Reilly

3 items I wouldn't want to be:

1. A-Rod's wife's wedding ring
2. Lindsay Lohan's panties- cause she never wears them.
3. A toilet seat capable of supporting 1,200 lbs.

I read the news today oh-boy

Another milestone has passed as Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band celebrated its 40th anniversary this week..........What was that David Hyde Pierce thing again?

Extra Extra

Over the past few weeks there have been so many stories worthy of ridicule, yet no time or space to present them all. However, I will endeavor

Endeavor....E-N-D-E.....

Shut up Even!

I will endeavor to present most of them now in case you missed any.

Charles Manson was denied parole yet again, which was a shame because he really was looking forward to attending the Starwars 30th anniversary with a big breasted German woman who had just been fired from her job for continuous breast augmentation.

Augmentation...A-

Evan! What did I say?.......fuckin' kids!

Arnold Schwarzenegger who visited Toronto this week said Manson may be out in time to see The Adams Family Musical, which could star Jon Lovitz who was given a life time contract by the Laugh Factory to perform every Wednesday, or until Barbara Streisand cancels her next concert in Rome.

Thanks once again or our special guest, Spelling Bee Champion Evan....

Yeah....Whatever.....old man.

Crossposted on Mitchieville

For Country or King?

After an extremely asinine long layoff the Stanley Cup Playoffs resume this Monday with the Ducks hosting the hated Sens. The dilemma facing most Torontonians, where the Leafs rule, is do they get behind Ottawa as Canadians, or remain true to the blue and white?

What will they do when Blackberry maker Jim Balsillie, who just bought the Predators and is sure to give Nashville a R.I.M. job, moves the team to southern Ontario?

Then we’ll have two teams here....Personally, I debate that we have one now.

But are they testing her for steroids?

A British woman is claiming the record for the world's fastest birth - in just under two minutes.

Palak Vyas's baby girl Vedika arrived weighing a healthy 7lb 2oz less than 120 seconds after her waters broke.
The Vyas family have contacted the Guinness Book Of Records.

While they're at it, they should see if she qualifies for World's largest vagina?

Beauty and the Beatbox

Sparks will fly as 17 year old Jordan Sparks won American Idol this.....who the fuck cares? Really? I mean it’s not like this TV show is going to change your life........like Pirate Master will. Get a life!

Watch out for wild life

LONDON, Ont. -- The indisputable evidence is in -- cougars are roaming the wild in
southern Ontario. The last official sighting of a cougar, which is endangered, in Ontario was in 1884.

I guess these guys have never been to The Corral in Oshawa? Plenty of cougars there my friend

DNA from feces found two years ago near a suspected den at the Wainfleet Bog -- about 5 km northwest of Port Colborne -- confirms a cougar was in that area.

Jesus ladies! Use a restroom for God's sake!

The biggest unanswered question is whether the cougar is an "exotic" pet that escaped or was released....

It's called divorce.

....or a remnant of the North American cougar that once roamed across the continent.

Either way you look at it MILF does the body good.

I guess the G is silent?

Carl's Jr. doesn't like being the butt of Jack's jokes.

So CKE Restaurants Inc., which owns Carl's Jr. and Hardee's, sued Jack in the Box Inc. in federal court in Santa Ana, Calif., on Friday, accusing the San Diego-based chain of deceptive advertising relating to the business end of a cow.

The suit cites TV ads that tout Jack in the Box's sirloin burgers and lampoon those made with Angus beef, which happens to be what's in the Carl's Jr. Six Dollar Burger and the Hardee's Thickburger (and in premium burgers sold at McDonald's and Burger King).

Let's have a look at that shall we?



Psst you’re fired.

Two town employees fired for gossiping about their boss have lost an appeal to get their jobs back.

Four women were fired in April after a closed-door vote of the Town Council. Two administrative assistants appealed their firings earlier this month, but Jessica Skorupski and Joanne Drewniak learned late Friday night that the council had rejected their bid to be reinstated.

You see, I would never do something like that. I would never disclose that the Mayor embezzled tax payers money after the last election, or GIGC ruined OBJ’s big screen when she fell into it in a drunken stupor last poker party, or that secretly I love to wear women’s undergarments– wearing them now as I write this in fact. No! Those are secrets I will take to the grave.

Speaking of the worst kept secret

The best band you never heard of Private Sector announced late last year that they would be reforming for shows in 2007. Quickly The Police and Genesis followed suit with plans for reunion tours as well. Not to be out done, Rush and Roger Waters in haste booked summer tours of their own. Even the Osmonds are getting back together for a performance.

The Osmonds! For Christ’s sake! End this madness!

On Thursday of last week I attended the Q107 30th anniversary with OBJ and some of the members of Private Sector, where reformed bands traipsed across the stage by the dozens and Gil Moore announced publicly Triumph were also throwing their hat into the ring of reformation.

However, the biggest insult to injury, came at the hands of the reformed Max Webster when keyboardist Terry Watkinson, with foresight and malicious intent, mimicked beloved Sector bassist/keyboardist Don Bon Darley by donning his trademark lab coat. Just look at the pics and correct me if I’m wrong.

Terry Watkinson of Max Webster



Beloved Don Bon Darley of Private Sector



Check out the homage of Sector sites:
http://myspace.com/privatesectorrocks
http://www.garageband.com/artist/PrivateSector
http://www.ilike.com/artist/emerging/PrivateSector
privatesphincter.com

OK, disregard the last one unless you have something wrong with your prostate.

Cross posted on Mitchieville

Don't move! Or the bitch gets it!

Dogs are being kidnapped at an alarming rate, some even at gun point. Especially purebred Yorkshire terriers which can fetch (no pun intended) up to $2,000 each.

$2,000? For a Yorkie?.........Fuuuuuck......Why?....All that dog does is eat, shit, sleep, yap, and make more Yorkshire terriers.

Pirates of the Atlantic

Deep-sea explorers said Friday they have mined what could be the richest shipwreck treasure in history, bringing home 17 tons of colonial-era silver and gold coins from an undisclosed site in the Atlantic Ocean. Estimated value: $500 million.

Wow!......That would buy you a shit load of Yorkshire Terriers.


Tinky Winky gets the last laugh

Tinky Winky may be gay, but Jerry Falwell's dead...game, set, match....In your face God.

Now on to more important news like....Have they finished building that Hooker Haven on Toronto Island yet? And how to unlock your car door with a tennis ball.


Ham-as's- M-O-U-S-E

A program using a Mickey Mouse-like character to urge Palestinian children to fight Israel and the West and work for world Islamic domination has been pulled off a Hamas TV station for review.

Palestinian Information Minister Mustafa Barghouti said the use of the cartoon character in such a role represented a "mistaken approach" to the Palestinian struggle against Israeli occupation.

But you be the judge. Is it just me or does the militant mouse sound strangely similar to those recordings of Osama bin Laden?



No wonder Prince Harry's not going to Iraq.

The ratings game

Smoking will be a bigger factor in determining film ratings, the Motion Picture Association of America said but critics state the move does not go far enough to discourage teens from taking up the habit.

That adds smoking to a list of such factors as sex, violence and language in determining the MPAA’s G, PG, PG-13, R and NC-17 ratings.

However, I hear they have backed off their original assessment coming to a more reasonable compromise. Now a film will only receive the new rating if it involves a vagina smoking a cigarette.

Little Willy Willy won't

For those of you who were hoping to poke Prince William on Facebook, forget it. It was a hoax.

First the General Lee now this.

"Facebook removes any content that is in violation of our terms of use, including fake profiles," a Facebook spokeswoman told Fox News "After investigating the profile for William Wales, we found that it was a fake profile and we removed it from the site. We encourage users to report any violations of our terms."

No wonder Prince Harry's not going to Iraq.....

You don't know Diddley

Come on...sing with me....

Bo Diddley clearly was not himself,
His speech recognition was on the shelf,
When all his ailments finally broke,
Poor Bo Diddley done had a stroke,

Bo Diddley almost bought the farm,
Shoulda been aware bout the pain in his arm,
Rushed to a hospital, put em in a bed,
Otherwise Bo might’ve wound up dead,

Hey bo diddley, oh bo diddley,
Hey bo diddley, oh bo diddley.

Now he’s havin' trouble can’t speak, can’t talk,
sure can’t play no guitar rock,
With a little improvement day by day
You might hear the doctors say:

Hey bo diddley, oh bo diddley,
Hey bo diddley, oh bo diddley.

Heeeeey!

Happy Days the musical? What is the world coming to?

No wonder Prince Harry's not going to Iraq.

Can no one out there rub two brains together and come up with an original idea for theatre?

Apparently not.

We have to rehash ABBA and Queen, pick the bones of Dr. Seuss, adapt Hairspray and Dirty Dancing. Why, there’s even a Spiderman musical in the works. Outside of the theme song I can’t see how that will work?

So, trying to stay one step ahead of the so-called "creative genius", I'd like to present:

Musicals I’d pay to see.

Quentin Tarantino presents "Stuck in the Middle With You"
300 -the Musical
Terminator on the Roof

And

Musicals I wouldn’t pay to see.

Pirates of the Opera "At Worlds End"
Les MiserabLove Boat
Mama Mia Farrow

Iraqnophobia

LONDON) — Britain's Prince Harry will not be sent with his unit to Iraq, Britain's top general said Wednesday, citing specific threats to the third in line to the throne.

Army Chief of Staff Gen. Sir Richard Dannatt said the changing situation on the ground exposed the prince to too much danger.

"There have been a number of specific threats, (not to mention Hamas Mice) some reported and some not reported, that relate directly to Prince Harry as an individual," Dannatt said. "These threats exposed him and those around him to a degree of risk I considered unacceptable."

Didn't see that coming.

Cross posted on Mitchieville

Hello from the city of losers

That would be Toronto for those of you who might not know. A place where we’re actually disappointed if our sports teams don’t suck.

The Leafs didn’t qualify for the Stanley Cup Playoffs, the Raptors bowed out in 6 games to the New Jersey Nets, the Blue Jays have been decimated by injuries and are 1-9 in their last 10 games.

Does anyone know if our soccer team- Toronto FC- have even scored a goal yet? Thank God Ricky Williams tested positive for marijuana. He might actually have to stay another year with the Argos.

Now, If I had posted this yesterday morning as I intended, I wouldn’t have to deal with the Blue Jays winning their second in a row and Toronto FC not only scoring their first goal, but actually winning..... All I can say is, Thank God for the Leafs.

That’s all folks

Warner Brothers has decided to pull all screenings of up coming films such as Harry Potter, Nancy Drew and Oceans 13 because of Canada’s lax laws on movie piracy.

Which is OK by me. I’ve already downloaded and seen those films. They all sucked.

Turning over a new four leaf clover

Sworn enemies from Northern Ireland's bitter past joined forces Tuesday atop a new Northern Ireland government, an astonishing achievement that both sides pledged would consign decades of death and destruction to history.

The official celebration of the merger will be followed by a good old fashion piss-up and a big donnybrook.

Pops come to blows

The Boston Pops' opened their concert season with a brawl in the balcony at Symphony Hall.

The fight started after one of the two men involved tapped the other on the shoulder with a program to complain about noise, police said.

I'm still waiting word on whether they are members of the Irish Parliment, or if the Pops were performing the 1812 Overture.

Hazzard hoax upsets Duke

Actor John Schneider found out this week, the nearly $10 million eBay bid for General Lee – the 1969 Dodge Charger made famous by "The Dukes of Hazzard" television series – is a hoax.

The $9,900,500 million bid to buy the coveted piece of TV land, sent shockwaves through the online auction world and set an eBay record, but has missed the first payment deadline.

Was the bidders name, Hugh Jass, any clue?

Video Ozzfest or SHARON the spotlight

Ozzy Osbourne is giving fans the chance to direct his video for "I Don’t Wanna Stop", the first single from his May 22 Epic release "Black Rain". The winning clip will become the official video and will be serviced to video outlets all over the world. This is the ultimate Ozzy fan’s chance — on their own terms, with all the right tools — to work with the Ozzman himself while getting few accolades.

Which just goes to show, aging rockers are cheap, lazy bastards.

IKEA parkingfluggen, but you have to put it together yourself

By the end of the month, IKEA will set aside two parking spots for environmentally friendly hybrid vehicles at each of its 11 superstore parking lots.
It's part of a flurry of green initiatives being pitched to Canadian consumers this year, as firms from retailers to banks and insurers aim to capitalize on the growing realization of the effects of climate change.

Personally I couldn’t care less. I always get great parking when I shop. Why, just this week I got a fantastic deal on a computer desk and a fridge with the door missing, while getting primo parking right next to the curb. Beat that IKEA.

MexiCanada

Federal documents revealed, more Canadians were reported assaulted while visiting Mexico over the past seven years than any other travel destination.

A total of 1,133 Canadian travellers reported to Canadian authorities they were assaulted on foreign soil between the years 2000 and 2006. Of those, Mexico leads the list with 173 reported assault cases. China was next with 105 and Cuba with 62. Thailand was fourth with 45 and the United States followed with 40

They also found out of all the travel destinations Mexico is where you are most likely to see Mexicans, so watch out!

Cross posted on Mitchieville

Here's the beef

Preggo mothers who eat 7 or more servings of beef a week are likely to have baby boys with low sperm counts.

Don't look at me. I didn't say it. I'm just the messenger. Unless you are counting the penis, a.k.a. the beef syringe, or cock sausage, I don’t know any woman- pregnant or otherwise- that chows on cow that much in a single week.

More scientific studies dead ahead

Beer shrinks your brain.
White guys are 50% more likely to have heart attacks.
Coffee lowers your cholesterol......coffee....is there anything it can’t do?

Doan push me cause I’m close to the edge

I'm sure you've heard about the scrutiny Phoenix Coyote Shane Doan has come under for being made captain of the Canadian hockey team?

How "supposedly" Mr. Doan uttered a racist remark 2 years ago at a game in Montreal towards a French Canadian official, and how Hockey Canada is being called in to question for even having him on the team.

Yes....this is your tax dollars hard at work, even though there are greater issues to tackle like- What the fuck is going on with gas prices, or keeping in context- where's Vincent Lecavalier or Martin St.Louis, both French Canadians who turned down offers to represent their country?

Next they’ll be convening to ask why Captain Canada was allowed to score a hat trick in a game against Belarus at the world championship on Friday.

What a bunch of useless motherfuckers politicians are. There’s one for the language committee to ponder. I mean could they waste our money on anything more assinine?

Foot protection

Bigfoot, the legendary hairy man-like beast said to roam the wildernesses of North America, is not shy, merely so rare it risks extinction and should be protected as an endangered species.

So says Canadian MP Mike Lake who has called for Bigfoot to be protected under Canada's species at risk act, alongside Whooping Cranes, Blue Whales, and Red Mulberry trees.

I just got my answer.

Vote for the worst Canadian

The Beaver: Canada's History Magazine is inviting nominations for the "worst Canadian" in the country's past.

It's part of an online promotion launched this week by the magazine, the flagship publication of the National History Society, for its August-September issue. In the issue, 10 prominent Canadian writers and historians will state their case for their choice of the worst character from the seamier side of Canadian life.

I nominate my paper boy, who treats my Saturday Star like a 5th grade science experiment. Every time it rains it's always hanging half out of the plastic bag....if it's in a bag at all. Little bastard's probably on the Language Committee too?

Glove me tender

NASA has awarded $200,000 to the creator of a new spacesuit glove that beat out its competitors and NASA's own current glove in tests of strength, flexibility and comfort. Aspects of the design could be used in future NASA spacesuits.

The Astronaut Glove Challenge was part of a series of NASA-funded contests called Centennial Challenges. NASA promised $200,000 in prize money for anyone who could design a glove capable of outperforming the existing gloves used by NASA astronauts, as well as beating those of other entrants in the competition.

Next up? A condom that doesn't feel like you're doing laundry with mittens on....I hope.

General is King

eBay has put up John Schneider's own personal General Lee, the 1969 Dodge Charger used in the "Dukes of Hazzard," which was sold yesterday for a whopping.......

(best Dr. Evil voice), 9! Milllllion 900, 500 dollars. Hey I can’t get $500 for my 1990 Honda...go figure?

72virgins.com

A new report released, states terrorists love the Internet, so-much-so, besides doing their banking on line, they are also recruiting, chatting with other terrorists in secure chat rooms, and researching all their info i.e. "Building the Perfect Dirty Bomb", "The Ins and Outs of Planes vs Tall Buildings", and "Suicide Bombing for Dummies".

Hasslehoff’s got talent

But don’t let me tell you about it. See for yourself....just in case you haven't seen it already on every other blog, entertainment news cast, or media service.



Pottahawk

The time is coming my brothers and sisters. It's only a little over two months away until the best day of the year.....Pottahawk!

Unimpressed with the week

It was a real blasé week for news. So much so I won’t be cross posting on Mitchieville. I’d be embarrassed.

Sure, if I thought hard enough I could come up with something witty to say about the sportscaster who admitted to his fan base he really is a transsexual, and is switching teams, or how we’re killing honey bees every time we use our cell phones, or how it’s now appropriate to cry at work- hell, I’m crying as a write this- I might even have a word or two to say about Toronto being chosen as the 2nd best “City of the future”- what with the transsexuals crying on cell phones as they kill off the bee population, but I’m unimpressed.


I’m unimpressed that Spinal Tap will reunite to turn it up to 11 and help fight climate change.

I’m unimpressed that there is talk of putting a giant reflective umbrella in space to help shield us from the now deadly sun and fight global warming. I mean what about the people with S.A.D. do they not care?

I’m unimpressed they found a new Earth-like planet we can’t get to, called 581C. Who cares? I saw Aliens. I already know there are eggs with face-huggers just waiting there for us to find in some derelict space craft.

I’m slightly interested, but still unimpressed that criminals are doing their laundry by buying ATM's, filling it with dirty money and getting yours in return every time you complete a transaction.

I’m unimpressed that fat guys take more sick days and injure themselves more on the job than there svelte counterparts....mainly because I am one of those fat guys.

I'm not sure I care that cancer is poised to surpass heart disease as the number 1 killer....I mean either way....you're dead, right?

I’m even unimpressed that Stephen Hawking is weightless at 30 second intervals and in his monosyllabic, computer voice is repeatedly saying, “wooppeeeeee”, or "A sphincter says 'what'".

I’m unimpressed because I've just learned that BBQ, boiled, or deep fried food is killing me slowly with emissions called A.G.E.....yeah that's right....no link.....cause they don't want you to know......muthafuckas! I suppose next they'll tell you sex causes cancer? Not that I have to worry about it much.

Keeping things low tech

I guess it's "I don't like Monday's" again? OK....FINE! Let's just get it over with off the top. But....I'm not mentioning names, posting pictures, or making references to 8 year anniversaries of similar events. However, I will say, "Way to go Virginia!" *clap,clap* "Way to sell tourism.....for psycos and degenerates!"

Come to Virginia. We have the most lax gun laws in the U.S. Take home a souvenir fire arm. All you need is I.D. and a credit card.

Brilliant.....bloody brilliant.

While we're at it. "Way to go NBC! Thanks for sensationalizing everything. Wow! And only one week after firing Don Imus for inappropriate comments.

Yup! No hypocrisy there.

Beating around the Bush

This week President Bush said, "It's hard to make sense out of such tragedy and human suffering."

Finally! He's admitting Iraq was a mistake. Good for you George W.

No Bones about it

Meanwhile in T.V. land, crime drama Bones which stars David Boreanaz.....

Wasn't he that vampire guy Angel from Buffy?

....had an episode pulled this week because the subject matter was too close to the bone- if you'll excuse the pun- to recent events.

Can't say it affected me much....I don't watch Bones...or Buffy and Angel when they were on for that matter...too girlie for my liking. Now let's get back to discussing subjects like: Why are they making a theatrical musical for Dirty Dancing?

Middleton of the road

Prince William and Kate Middleton ended their relationship this week. The royal relationship is by far the most talked about break-up in recent memory. Almost every publication in the UK had an opinion as to why they ended their long-term union. In fact, several publications claim to know the so-called "real story" behind the break-up. Some claim it was Prince William's time in the military, some say it was his philandering ways, and another popular rumor claims it has to do with Kate Middleton's commoner status in the socially-stratified nation.

The real reason? To keep every boy's hope alive of one day becoming Queen of England.

Fruit or vegetable?

The debate rages on: Is the watermelon a fruit or a vegetable? Some say because it's a member of the cuck family, thus it should be considered a vegetable. But it's so sweet and tasty, others say fruit.

Imagine the poor people of Alabama who have Watermelon as the official state fruit. Losers! Should have followed Virgina's lead and made guns your state fruit.


Tooth? You can't handle the tooth!

It may stand upright in a glass or lie on a counter, barely noticed until we need it. But that ubiquitous bathroom standby -- the lowly toothbrush -- is likely giving houseroom to some pretty nasty inhabitants.

We're taking germs here, folks. Microscopic bacteria, viruses and fungi -- and you're putting them daily into your mouth.

This warning brought to you by toothbrush manufacturers.

It is said you should change your toothbrush every time you get sick, after illness, before long bus trips, when visiting the zoo, during pregnancy, before and after sex and when logging on to Strangedaze, (or in other words once every six months or so).

I should also add, you should change your toothbrush every time you get a picture in the mail of some guy with your toothbrush stuffed up his ass. It happens more that you would suspect. Believe me.

I guess next they'll be saying we pay too much in taxes?

We pay too much in taxes. 45% of your income goes to paying the government in some form or another in tax. In fact, the average family pays more in tax than housing, food and clothing combined.

In my household I think what I spend on porn would meet the percentage.

A.B. on A.I.

With the help of the greatest actor on the planet, Alec Baldwin, I'd like to comment on American Idol's Sanjaya.

Strange: Finally! Sanjaya Malakar got voted off American Idol. The guy sang like my
ass chews gum.

Baldwin: What is he, 12 years old, or 11 years old? He didn't have the brains or the decency of a human being. He's insulted me for the last time.

Strange: Well said Alec, yet he may not be the next American Idol, but Sanjaya has been invited to be a guest at the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner. A guest list including the likes of Jane Fonda, Teri Hatcher, John Cusack, Sheryl Crow, Dennis Hopper and Morgan Fairchild. Among the politicos expected are Condi Rice, Robert Kennedy Jr. and Henry Kissinger. Are you upset with the White House for not being included? What would you say given the chance.

Baldwin: I am going to get on a plane and I am going to come out there for the day and I am going to straighten your ass out when I see you. I'm going to let you know just how disappointed in you I am and how angry I am with you that you've done this to me again. You've made me feel like shit and you've made me feel like a fool over and over and over again. You have humiliated me for the last time. So I'm going to let you know just how I feel about what a rude little pig you really are. You are a rude, thoughtless little pig, OK?

If you'd like a phone call from Alec go here.

Happy natal day

If I'm not mistaken, The Little Danish Girl has a birthday coming up. So, happy B-day to you. I know how fond you are of kitchen appliances and I'm sure the Mayor's going to get you the new oven you wanted.....of course it is a Dutch oven, but remember, it's the thought that counts.

Cross posted on Mitchieville