The sky is falling

Skyfall: Honest trailer.

Apocalypto now.

Usually I try to see every Oscar nominated film before the Oscars. And every year I do pretty well. Yet, there are always a few movies I either can’t be bothered watching...*cough* Dream Girls, or I know they’re not going to win.

Take for example Apocalypto. With all the Jew bashing Mel has participated in and the number of Jews running Hollywood, it’s just simple math. There's not going to be any golden-boys for Ol’ Braveheart.

Sure he'd see the dangling carrot of a nomination or two. However, when you lambaste the toothless old hooker over the price of the blow-job, you might as well say goodbye to that sweet fellatio....believe me I know.

So, post Oscars I finally got around to watching this film, which I must say, other than a few short comings, I actually enjoyed.

Following is my real time review of Apocalypto:

0:04:27- What?
0:04:38- What did he say?
0:04:51- Did you catch that?
0:05:17- Why don’t they just speak English?
0:06:23- Got to admit killing the pig and eating the innards was cool.
0:22:06- What the hell are they saying?
0:27:45- Wow! So much blood.
0:32:58- Are you sure this isn’t a Scorcese film?
0:34:19- Is that Mel with the bone through his nose?
0:39:31- OK that must be Mel with the face paint and the goofy hairdo? Definitely something Riggs would do.
0:41:28- If the small fat kid is Mel...Wow, good makeup job.
0:41:32- What did Mel just say anyway?
0:41:39- Read the subtitles? Is that what that is?
0:41:55- I NEVER LEARNED TO READ! *sobs* I'm going to go Blog. (What a paradox)

Supernova more like dwarf star

Now, I know Supernova played Massey Hall last night here in Toronto. I haven’t read any reviews from that show, but I will give you my opinion on their performance.

Have you ever done anything that you regretted immediately after you did it?

Sure you have.

For me it was purchasing Supernova tickets back in August.

GIGC and I were caught up in the wake of yet another reality show, waiting anxiously to see who would be the last singer standing. However, five months removed, a mediocre album, and a questionable front man later, we found ourselves rolling down the QEW to the unholiest of holes. That’s right Buffalo, harbinger of winter’s nastiness, boarded-up, or burned-out buildings, and Topps Friendly Market.

I believe they build structures there just to board them up or burn them.

I guess since the house band from the show, (unceremoniously fired before the tour), Jason Newsted, (injured), and Panic Channel, (disinterested in cities who’s main industries are crack and guns), were not on the bill, I felt a little slighted.

Being surrounded by Christian rockers and their Stryper T-shirts didn’t help matters. Neither did the infectious dead-air between songs as Lukas constantly displayed a lack of audience interaction. The only highlight of the evening, was a disgruntled fan nearby who spent most of the set whipping Milk Duds at the band.

Besides us, our companions, and the Milk Dud guy, the only one who seemed to feel the same way we did, was guitarist Gilby Clarke, who abruptly left the stage after the final number instead of joining Tommy Lee and the boys at centre stage their much over-rated bows.

On the positive side of things, I’m glad I didn’t shell out twice as much as the suckers in Toronto to see this debacle.

I guess if I’m to have a tainted memory of this experience, I’m happy I saw it in Buffalo and not somewhere I actually enjoy visiting.

Kong is king

Last night I finally saw Kong.....no, not Peter Jackson’s Kong......no, not that piece of crap remake from the 70's with Jeff Bridges and Jessica Lange ....not even the Cooper original with Fay Wray . I’m talking about the band Kong
who delivered a small acoustic set at the Roof Top Pub last night. The trio of Jordan, (keys/vocals), Justin, (guitar) & Tristan, (bass/vocals) performed Neil Young’s Sugar Mountain and a Dark Side of the Moon medley. It was the perfect sandwich around the meat of one of their originals Blind Rain.
....Oh, did I mention the bass player is my son?.....Ok I’m biased....so sue me.

I stand corrected

Ok, last October when the news came down that Daniel Craig would be the new Bond, I was less than kind in my post Blonde Bondshell. In fact, I might have said, Craig would not only be the worst Bond ever, but you couldn't make soup from his testicles.....or did I only think it?

I had only seen Daniel Craig play villains in other movies like Road to Perdition, and could not perceive he would make a good 007. My mistake.

Although Casino Royale was kicked from obtaining first place by Happy Feet--- yet another penguin movie--- it still finished in the 40 mil range at the box office and everyone, including myself, have been jumping on the, much crowded, Bond-wagon.

I guess I'm just used to my Bonds having a slurred Scottish accent, and beating women up in their private life.

Once again, I was wrong.

Realtime review of Saw III

0:05:21 Ugh! God that looks like it hurts.
0:10:41 Ok if it’s true what he said, I can’t say she didn’t deserve it.
0:18:07 Watch out behind you! Wow what a frickin’ idiot.
0:27:51 Nice tie-in to the previous movies. Cause if you haven’t seen them now you have to spend more money.
0:36:18 No don’t help the bitch. Run!
0:36:54 Ouch. Suddenly my nuts are tingling.
0:37:06 Strangely enough I’m hungry.
0:47:42 *munch, munch* What did I miss? Don’t tell me to shush you fuck!
0:51:19 Now that hurts.
0:57:30 Didn’t see that coming.
1:10:24 Now I have a headache.
1:13:43 Oooh! Is that a bone I heard breaking? GIGC won’t be able to watch this.
1:27:06 Ok so he was testing her, but she failed, causing the other girl to die, so he’d get involved and make the wrong choice and kill him which would in turn end her life, making it ultimately his fault— or maybe was it her fault? After all she didn’t pass the test.— but the other guy saw this all coming and set the whole thing up for Saw IV. He saw it coming. Is that where they get the title from? Oh I’m so confused.....or am I?
1: 32:45 No way! She was in the movie? I didn’t even recognize her. Was she one of the dead chicks?

All purpose Tool

OK, I'm not stoned enough to do an adequate review of last night's show, but you can go here for some better incoherent thoughts.

However, I will say, probably the best Tool show I've seen since the 2 nights at the Warehouse, (now the Kool Haus), in T.O. several years ago.

Last night's Set list:

Stinkfist
The Pot
46 & 2
Jambi
Schism
Lost Keys / Rosetta Stoned
Wings / 10,000 Days
Lateralus
Vicarious
Aenema

Snakes and sharks, oh my

Attendance is off and plummeting even further for theatres everywhere, as people decide to spend their entertainment dollars on other activities like hookers and blow.

What do you expect when Lion's Gate re-releases "Crash" into theatres, in a flagrant cash grab. Perhaps they should have changed the title to "Cash"? They would've snared more idiots for a film that has been on DVD and television for months.

The film head honchos are now exploring the possibility of installing software that will jam cell phone reception while sitting in front of the big screen, in hope of attracting back the movie going audience.

While the movie industry has their collective head up their ass over this issue, let me once again scream out, "Just make better fuckin’ movies and stop trying to rip us off!"

Do you think anyone is going to get inline for celluloid gems like this. I think not. Is Samuel L. Jackson that hard up for rolls he has to resort to this kind of folderol?

What’s next? The actual realization of a parody such as this? A sequel from the people who brought you, "Must Love Dogs." I’d rather watch a shitty downloaded cam version of "Eight Below" while GIGC balls her eyes out next to me.

Queen La-thief-a

Once again I was the recipient of the Mayor’s hospitality. This time through GIGC.

She was stopping by the Mayor’s office to drop off a stick of French bread, a fruit basket, and just to say hi.

She found him in his now depressed state, wallowing in anguish. He paused long enough to remove the gun from his mouth and asked her, "do you want some really sweet tickets to see Queen and Paul Rogers?"

"Where did you get them?"

"I stole them," he replied.

"Really?" She said.

"No not really. Haven't you heard? I don't want to Blog anymore."

"Oh." She said. "Well....good luck with all that."

Then she asked the question most troubling her brain. "What’s the catch? What do I have to do for these tickets?"

He said, "Make sure you take Strange with you".

Although faced with a hard decision, she relented and took the tickets.

First of all, I don’t know where the Mayor keeps getting these seats but they were again spectacular. We were dead centre on the floor about five rows back from the catwalk stage that jutted out into the audience like some phallic beast.

Brian May was so close he actually sweated on me several times, burning my eyes. He’ll be hearing from my lawyer.

The show was amazing. They played that Vanilla Ice song, then they played that David Bowie "Pressure" song, a bunch of Bad Company songs, and topped it all off with that Wayne’s World song, and the other one you some times hear in sports arenas.

The only downfall of the evening was, being that close to the stage tends to scare audiences when the band members are, how should I say, of a more mature age. I can’t imagine the horror of actually being that close to seeing the Stones perform. It would be simply terrifing.

Paul Rogers looked like Chuck Norris which in itself is scarry enough. Although he didn’t look like the 65 year old Chuck. He looked more like the 62 year old Chuck.

I think Kelsey Grammar was on keyboards, and the guitarist from Loverboy on rhythm. Not Mike Reno, the other red bandana wearing freak, what’s his name.

Then there was Roger Taylor who had a fat Rutger Hauer vibe going on. I nearly shit myself twice when he was allowed to linger near the edge of the catwalk.

In all a great show. I can’t wait to see what the Mayor has for us next. That is, if he’s still alive?

It’s unanimous

Did I see right?

Last night I saw an ad for a new reality television program called "Unanimous". The premiss is they lock twelve people in a bunker underground. Only one of which will win a prize pool starting at 1.5 million.

The catch is, they all have to unanimously agree who gets the moolah. The longer it takes, the more the pot shrinks, ticking away like the seconds on "24" until it's nothing more than parking validation.

Does anyone else see the stupidity here? The desperation, the futility? And I'm not talking about my Blog.

Are we that hard up for entertainment, we have to resort to a bunch of greedy fucks strangling each other on national television screaming, "Give me the money"?

What's next "The Fearless, Survivor, Amazing Racing, Fat, Wife-swapping, Strange-Nanny-Loving, Sureal Life Bachelor?"

Well, I won’t be watching "Unanimous," and listening to a bunch of sniveling idiots.
"Oh give me the money. I have cancer."
"No give me the....I'm sorry I have short term memory loss. What was it you were supposed to give me?"
"No give me the money I lost my leg on an ice-flow to a hostile penguin. See I have a prosthetic leg."
Then someone beats him to death with it.

Nope not for me. Won't give it the time of day. I don’t need to. I’ll just wait for Uncle Willie to pass on and watch the hornets nest of relatives squabble over the inheritance with kitchen utensils until only one is left standing.

Now that’s entertainment value.

Hey, who do I contact at the networks about this?

"A coffin filled with cash.....thirty angry and grieving relatives....one butter knife.....who will win?.......The Inheritance!"

Capote

Philip Seymore Hoffman should win best actor for his portrayal of Truman Capote. Not only did he do an amazing job but he did it all while speaking on helium.

Helium is funny. Every actor should perform on helium. In fact, I would say Terrence Howard deserves the best actor Oscar for his role in Hustle and Flow but they wouldn’t let him use helium, and sadly he will lose. Although, there’s not too many actors who can claim they beat up Ludacris in two movies this year so Terrence at least has something to smile about.

But, back to Capote. Everytime Hoffman spoke I laughed. Everytime he touched his ear or adjusted his glasses, I laughed. Why? Because I knew he would speak soon after. God bless helium. This is a very funny movie.

I give this movie 5 I liked it's out of 5. It was the helium that put it over the top.

Munich

Steven Spielberg, he’s done it all hasn’t he? He’s entertained us, with flare and poignance in movies like "E.T." He’s astounded us with shlock like "War of the Worlds". He’s rendered the memorable "Jaws," and the forgettable, "Always".

From the provocative, "The Color Purple," to the blockbuster, (insert any of his movies except "Goonies" here), he never fails to deliver. "Munich," a movie dealing with the aftermath of the Munich crisis at the 72 Olympics where Jewish athletes were murdered, might just earn him another best director Oscar.

It would be his second and join the Oscar he received for "Schindler’s List," a movie about the Holocaust.

If he wins, you really have to wonder if Spielberg is the only Jew on the planet hoping for more shit to happen to his people. He only seems to bag these little gold suckers when he presents this type of cimema.

I found this film very intriguing, but look at the poster. If you squint and turn your head slightly to the right, doesn't it look like the guy's sitting on the toilet? I mean, he's got the gun in his hand, but it looks like he's taking a crap. He's all bent forward like he's really trying to crank one out. Gives new meaning to the phrase, "shooting the shit," doesn't it?

I give this movie 4 I liked it’s out of 5.

Tomorrow: Capote

Crash

I really liked this movie. Crash, or as the tag line reads, "Love in the dying moments of the twentieth century".

After getting into a serious car accident, a TV director discovers an underground sub-culture of scarred car crash fetish victims and tries to use that to rejuvenate his sex life with his wife. Curious, odd, and a flawed examination of sexuality/identity.

Tremendous acting from James Spader and Holly Hunter. I thought Sandra Bullock and that Dillon guy were in this? I kept looking for them but I didn't see them. Makes me wonder why Matt Dillion gets a nod for suporting actor from a film he's barely in, but maybe he gave the Academy a little somethin-somethin'? You know like Heath and Jake did in Brokeback Mountain.

Anyway, Cronenberg has really out done himself this time. Perhaps almost as good as "A History of Violence," which he managed to put out this year as well. Wow! David Cronenberg where do you find the time to dirrect not one, but two movies in the same year and have them both considered for the little gold statuette?

I could go on and on.....what? Not the right Crash?.....This one came out in 1996 you say? But I didn't watch the other one......Who was the idiot who decided to make another movie under the same name?.... Paul Haggis?......You mean like that awful Scottish dish of oats and barley steamed in a sheep’s stomach?......Ok, now you're just fuckin' with my head.

I give it 4 I liked it's out of 5. This Crash not the other one.

Tomorrow: Munich.....don't tell me there's two fuckin' Munichs.

Brokeback Mountain

It’s only fair, since today is hump day, I review Brokeback Mountain. A movie that has come under such scrutiny and parody even at the hands of my own Blog.

This film will probably win the Oscar only because there are so many gay cowboys in Hollywood they can’t possibly lose.

First of all when I saw this movie I noticed there was a lot of sheep. Thousands of them roaming over vast expansive landscapes, which must have the cinematographer for this movie greasing up his thighs to rub an Oscar between them.

There’s also a lot of playing tent going on in this movie between the two main characters...did I mention there was a magnitude of sheep? Je-sus! Far as the eye can see. Sheep, sheep, and more sheep. And not just any sheep. Sheep that for the first time anywhere, weren’t scared to be around lonely Cowboys.

Also have to say I liked the hats. One dark the other light. (Yup no symbolism there.) "Grab your light saber Ennis and come to the dark side." And Ennis? Sounds a little too close to a certain part of the male anatomy if you ask me. But I digress, I liked the hats. Didn't care much for the sheep, but the hats were cool.

You know when I was little I wanted to be a Cowboy......not anymore.

I give this movie 2 I liked its out of 5.

Tomorrow: Crash

Good Night and Good Luck

Today is the first in a five part exploration of the films nominated for best picture at this year's Oscars.

I must tell you I sat down to watch this movie and when it started I noticed there was something wrong with the theatre's screen. It seemed to be devoid of colour. That’s right the movie was running in black and white. So I went out to bring this to the attention of the powers that be and register my complaint.

When I approached the manager about this gross miscarriage of modern day cinema, he informed me, "Sir the movie was filmed in black and white. There’s nothing we can do."

I told him, if he thought I was going to spend serious cash to come to the theatre and munch on overpriced-popcorn, my movie better be in colour. End of story.

After much bickering, and haggling, refunds were offered, apologies accepted, and discounted coupons were presented.

Since the movie was no longer costing me anything I decided to go back in to watch the film. However, all the talk about over-priced popcorn had made me hungry and I felt a trip to the snack bar was inevitable. Plus I had the coupons.

The line was so frickin’ long, and people were buying so much shit, you’d have sworn only Ethiopians went to movies.

After finally getting my snacks I once again sought out the manager. Between vacuous pulls on the straw in my jumbo sized soda, I lodged my anguish over the wait for sustenance. He again offered up apologies in a subservient manner. Within twenty minutes of his grovelling I was satisfied and on my way back to my seat.

But suddenly, I felt an urgent 911 from a bladder in desperate need of evacuating the 2 litres of diet Sprite that had found it’s way into my system. It was pounding me into submission. I needed relief damn it!

You ever have one of those long pees? Urination that not only allowed you to write your name in the snow, but the names of your entire friend base? (Look, just pretend you have a lot of friends.) It goes on so long in fact, you’d swear someone must have shoved a garden hose up your ass running full force.

Let’s just say, by the time I was finished, so was the movie.

I heard it was pretty good except for the black and white thing.

I give it 3 I liked its out of 5.

Tomorrow: Brokeback Mountain

Nine Inch Nails a 7

Last night NIN played here in the Big Smoke. The following is my review of the evening.

I’ve seen them put on better shows with more intensity, emotion and showmanship, but in all fairness, last night wasn’t their fault. It was the fuckin’ prick who decided that as a spanking to the ACC and the public in general, it should be a dry concert.

Without the benefit of alcohol the crowd just didn’t have the energy after a rockin set by Queens of the Stone Age to get Nails through the night. Granted, as professionals it shouldn’t matter if there is one person in the audience or 16,000 screaming crazies. But Trent and the boys always like to come out roaring then break it down in the middle and whip it up in the end. With a sober crowd, it's an extremely hard task and after the video presentation, there was no energy to feed off.

It took until the encore, Hand that feeds/Head like a hole, to get the blood pumping again and by that time...show’s over folks...it’s too late to kiss perfection between the legs.

Maybe my expectations are too high after witnessing previous shows that slipped beyond excellence? Or perhaps I was put off by mitigating circumstances? The expensive merchandise, the even more expensive snacks. Christ, they should have just checked my prostate while they were at it.

Other evening events that didn't sit well with me?

-Even though I informed the girl at the check point, Al Qa'ida had given me the night off, she frisked me like she was gorging on a bucket of chicken and I was the elusive drum stick at the bottom grease-stained container.

-I roamed the halls for twenty minutes and not one person mistook me for the real Trent Reznor.

- At the begining of every frickin' song, the guy next to me yelled out, "Yessss!" like he’d made a three pointer to win the game and got nothing but net. I'm sure before the concert he went to a Bookie and said, "I’m betting a $100 on the order NIN will play the songs tonight."

-There was a line at the men's bathroom.... the men's for christ sake!

-Then there was my girl D who wanted to hear "Something I can never have," and when they unexpectedly played it 5 songs in, she went crazy and nearly squeezed my dice right out of my nut sack. Hurt like hell too and I had to go stand in line for the bathroom again. Although, the guy next to me thought it was great. "Yessss!"

Perhaps an eventual DVD release of the tour will prove me wrong and Nails simply needed an audience from that mythical land where beer is readibly available at concert venues?

Downside up

I know, I know! I’m posting late. Well....it was such a nice day, who can blame me? I’m here now and that’s all that matters.

The world is upside down and gone crazy I tells ya. CRAZY! Teachers are marrying students, Tiger missed the PGA cut for the first time in 7 years, birds are attacking helpless civilians in Texas, and Conservatives are suddenly Liberals. What the fuck is happening? Is the apocalypse at hand? Should we all head for the hills? Even George Lucas’ scripts have become lifeless and wooden.....Whew! Shit!.... I was worried for a minute there.... I guess everything is normal after all.

In fact, I thought I’d start with my review of "Revenge of the Sith," which I happened to see at 12:01 AM Thursday. Really I’m not a geek, but I do take away something from the experience.

Now, I could wallow in the depths of catch phrases like "Visually stunning and stunningly visual," but I won’t. I could simply say, "I liked it," but I didn’t. I could sit here and point out continuity flaws and say that the story had more holes than my lucky Fruit of the Looms, but I’m a bigger man than that.

My review, revolves around the audience behavior that some misguided souls believe is devotion. I would not be among those counted. I think it is important that you prepare yourself if you are contemplating taking in this newest addition to the Star Wars franchise, for they are an unruly bunch. Here is just a sample of what I witnessed.

Jedi’s in attendance...14
Wookies at the confection counter....3
Cell ring tones heard...7, Answered...5
Eyes lost due to audience light sabres.....6
Number of times Storm Troopers kicked the back of my seat.....27
Laughs during intimate dialogue....too many to count.
Full body "William Shatner"-type screams of "NO!!!!!".....only 1 (Thank God)
In conclusion: View this movie at your own risk.

OK...all I’ve heard this week is analysis and folderol concerning this Belinda Stronach defection to the Liberals. How she betrayed not only the Conservatives but her boy friend Peter MaKay in the process. The whys, and the hows, and the wherefores. Well.....I’m going to set the record straight, once and for all as to why, I know, she did it. It all comes down to size, and Paul Martin has a bigger caucus.

A great Canadian died today. He touched millions of lives on all continents and he will be missed. His name was Henry Corden. "SHIT!" you say. You thought it was someone of more notoriety. Of more importance. Someone you've actually heard of, like Wayne Gretzky or Jim Carey or Steve Nash or....Hey Henry Corden, born in Montreal, was a great man and although you may not know him by name, you certainly knew him by voice. He was the voice of Fred Flinstone.

Revenge is a dish best served cold

Yeah so....Revenge of the Sith opens this week, coaxing the inner geek within us all out of the lunch room in our ass. Christ almighty I’m even going to the midnight showing just so I can sleep through work the next day and take it to the man. Yuppers, It’s all about the Sith baby. George L must be one happy pappy with the green this piece of celluloid’s going to pull in. So here are a few links that you can peruse at you leisure. The first is a blog that the Mayor posted that I found quite interesting and the second has many avenues to occupy your valuable time, but hey, we'll never learn to appreciate life if we can’t learn to waist it from time to time?