13 Shopping days left until Christmas

Bonus: Silent Starwars

Your Xmas shopping days are numbered

It's Christmas time and it's one of the loneliest times of the year for some. So here are 10 signs you're lonely.

And if you're loney, you'll need these numerous inspirational movie messages.



10 scary Santas

Forget Christmas! Here are 5 cosmic events that could kill you before lunch. That's right. This shit could kill!

2 turtle doves

1 Partridge in a pear tree.

Dad's desert island collection #48

Christmas gift ideas #6

Alright, I'm abandoning the "early", because....come on people, it's getting close. So if you still can't decide what to get your loved ones I'm here to help.

And nothing says Merry Christmas more than the perfect tattoo....




Or perhaps the perfect tattoo with breast implants?




For the Klingon in your family maybe you need something more extreme? Like skull implants.




yet again, you can tone it down a little and just get the genital implants instead.

15 Shopping days left until Christmas

The transient identification dictonary part 4

The Flamboyant Beggar - This tramp has a future in marketing if he ever snags a fixed address and stops bathing in public restrooms. Not content to rest on his feces encrusted laurels, the Flamboyant Beggar wants you to give him money because you're moved by wonderment and amazement and not merely a desire to feed a drunkards love of Lysol laced Colt 45. Though he may be between jobs and houses, he's right on the mark when it comes to spinning soul-stirring yarns to elicit sympathy from shmucks like us. Is his leg made of wood? Maybe. Did he come to town from all the way across country only to be raped by an entire pack of bears (not generally known to rove in packs) who then stole his wallet and his wife? Very likely. The Flamboyant Beggar will say and do anything to convince you that $2 will save his soul from certain damnation and a second bout of bear rape.


The Reserved Beggar - The polar opposite of the Flamboyant Beggar, this bandy man wants your money but years of eating refuse, copulating with car exhaust pipes and fighting rats for primo cardboard living spaces have left him in a permanent state of not giving a shit about anything at all. He needs your money if he's to buy his next bottle of Thunderbird or a tasty tuna melt peppered with Aqua Velva, but he's pretty much only going to sit in one spot with a soiled hat in his lap and wait for you to throw it at him as though he were a human wishing well. Is your wish to smell malt liquor and despair without a hassle? Then the Reserved Beggar is the itinerate layabout for you.


The Loose Stool - In the world of film, the friendly drifter who teaches you a valuable life lesson is often scruffy and in shabby clothes. Rarely in this family friendly films do they mention he has feces clogging the bread bag he's using as a shoe. If they did, they would have to acknowledge him as the Loose Stool, the most exotic of all hobos. While many hobos come with an unseemly perfume, none take it to the extreme of the man who realized that if you have taco shits in your pants it'll help keep you warm at night and thus no longer seeks to actually stop doing whatever it is he's doing when he has to get Mr. Colon a-twitching.

Early Christmas gift ideas #5

How about tickets for "Waterworld" the musical for those relatives you really have no desire to ever see again?

19 shopping days left until Christmas

Early Christmas gift ideas #4

The perfect gift for that little chronic masturbater who won`t get the hell out of the bathroom when you need to go. It`s Rad Repeatin`Tarzan.

Dad's desert island collection #47

The transient identification dictonary part 3

The Musician- Always playing an instrument in a heartfelt attempt to show he’s at least trying to give you something in return for you money like the Entrepreneur. However the tune is always indistinguishable, weather it’s played on the harmonica found in the dumpster, empty over-turned plastic lard bins swiped from the nearest McDonalds, or the spoons he uses to scrape crusty bits from his anus, the Musician will find new and interesting ways to perform the same rendition of “You Are my Sunshine” over and over and over. And like a siren song may have you linger long enough to be ensnared, until you feel compelled to throw a few shekels his way.


The Bag Lady - Ahh, the Bag Lady, the sultry siren of lunacy found on street corners and immersed in dumpsters all across our fair land. Though she may realistically be any of the aforementioned hobo species, she is always set apart by the very nature of having lady bits; creepy, unwholesome lady bits that may or may not contain cheese. The Bag Lady is like a wild animal confronted by a moron. It's enticing and alluring yet wholly and completely dangerous and to be avoided at all costs, for like a wild animal it may defend itself by releasing a foul stench or a tirade of filthy slaps and profanity. It should be noted that the Bag Lady exists as the best and brightest example of why not all boobs are awesome.


The Genius - Like the Millionaire, the Genius is a local legend of bumdom. While the average rover may tell you tales of the time he found a half eaten cheese sandwich just sitting on a bench, or a barely used pair of sweat pants just sitting on a bench, or he pooped right where you're sitting on that bench, the Genius will tell you why the ontological argument for the existence of God is a cop out and then ask if you have change for a bus. The Genius is reputed to have written novels in the past and/or have taught some super liberal course at the local community college before losing his wife and shortly thereafter his job, his home and his shit. Though it may be true that the Genius has some extensive knowledge base from which to help you better understand your world, never forget that he also hasn't had soap anywhere near his crotch in months.

23 shopping days until Christmas

December by the numbers

30 wacky warning signs.

101 things to be thankful for in an economic downturn.

20 of the most profane band names ever.

and in honor of my next book; 30 of the greatest conspiracy theories.

Early Christmas gift ideas #3

For avid pet enthusiast....

It was 1 year ago today

Private Sector played the Reverb in Toronto as part of their Two in the Pink, One in the Stink Tour- a.k.a. the shocker

Tonight the premier of the long awaited video compilation, Two in the Coot, One up the Shoot, will be seen at a special invitation only. I`d post a trailer of the vid, but I`d rather have you keep coming back to these pages. The announcement of the event will have to do.

27 shopping days left until Christmas

Dad's desert island collection #46

OK Dad! Enough is enough!

By deffinition

In my quest for shocking pictures, items, information, what-have-you this week has been mostly a dead end- yielding little more than gaping yawn.

However, there was the this Wikipedia link I found shocking. It discusses anilingus, from deffinition and slang- my favorite being "tossing the salad", to health risks and oral cancer.

It wasn't the content I found shocking, or the animated picture of two women eating ass, if was the fact such a thing was even in Wikipedia, with such glorious detail, in the first place.

I'm not even sure what I typed in the search engine, or what led me to be there, but it got me to thinking about ass-to-mouth, and those deification movies I saw when I was in Amsterdam.

Shocking! Again, not for the content, but that someone would actually perform such an act.

I mean what's next; Cooking with sperm as an ingredient in food?

Bonus link: Just in time for Christmas, or that horrible holiday breakup- Semen based recipes!

Tomorrow: Sea Men based recipes- Arrgh!

Jane's was right

In an attempt to bring you the best in shocking material, I have discovered, in the words of Jane's Addiction, "Nothings Shocking".

Look at Ebay. Usually a cesspool of all things shocking, disgusting and tasteless and they have nothing.

Sure there are shocking links and visuals out there in the wide universe of cyberspace, 2 Girls-1 cup, springs to mind, but that ship has already sailed and been posted on these pages long ago to collective yawns. So too, has the Electric Retard, Offensive Cartoons,the Turrets Guy and my novels. There are no taboo stones left unturned.

Is it just that we've become desensitized by all media, or dumbed down by the constant bombardment of elements around us? Does it really take some dude decapitating another dude on a Greyhound bus for us to bat an eyelash?

And where does this leave me, Ol' Strange in the midst of "Shocker Week"?

Don't worry. I'll figure something out.....

As a reasonable substitute I now present Cat vs Printer....

Welcome to "Shocker Week"

All right, technically this post should have been on these pages yesterday, but really.....do you care? Do I care? does the sagging economy care?

I say no.

Shocker Week can begin today. It's not a crime. I looked it up.

Now by shocker I'm not referring to actual sexual shockers...you know....two in the pocket, one in the chocolate; two in the kitty, one in the shitty; two in the pleasure, one in the treasure.

No I'm talking about stories and events that have shocked me. In fact, if you read the next story, you will find it is as far away from two in the twat, one in the balloon knot, as one can get.

Although I make no promises that tomorrow won't contain evidence of a shocker in the sexual sense, which is to say, two in the beaver, one to check for fever.

To be honest, I'd be surprised if I didn't slip one or two in this week, (no pun intended) On a week referred to as "Shocker Week", I'd find it hard not to include a reference here and there of two in the humper, one in the dumper, or two in the gutter, one in the turd cutter.

And you can take that to the bank, or two in the bank, one in the stank.