Battle of the bulge

Pursuant to last week's sex survey post, I came across this gem. It will better enable me to entice the female of the species into having sex with me. Wow! I'm really going to score.

Now, to you, I pass along the words of wisdom on how to achieve maximum bulge.


#1 The Steely Dan

Made of: A tube sock full of stainless steel beads, topped with a pair of golf balls.

Ideal for: Solemn occasions, like giving the eulogy at a friend's funeral. The Steely Dan is high on bulk but low on rigidity and protrusion, projecting a calm, stable energy over the mourners without giving the awkward appearance that you're experiencing sexual arousal at the thought of their loved one's death.

Make sure to: Avoid rupture of the sock and spillage of the beads. Always double-sock this one.


#2 The BeastMaster

Made of: An athletic supporter coated on the outside with double-sided tape. Then, before leaving the house, attach a live ferret.

Ideal for: Intimidation, intimidation, intimidation. No one wants to meet you in a dark alley with two feet of bulge thrashing and hissing across your groin.

Added advantage: the furious squeaking and hissing make this the only crotch bulge on the list that can be heard over the phone. "What's that sound? It's my bulge, asshole."

Make sure to: Not wear this on a date. Ferrets have a horrible odor that would be unacceptable for a groin anywhere. Except Europe.


#3 The Cock Lobster

Made of: One live lobster, you can choose the size according to the occasion. Simply rub some raw fish on your scrotum and let the lobster grab on with his pincers. Mistaking your testes for prey, he'll hang on for 12 to 16 hours.

Ideal for: Sympathy. This bulge is the opposite to the BeastMaster. The excruciating pain of lobster claws on your manhood will twist your face into a continual mask of tragedy. Expect steady tears.

This one is perfect for apologies or bitch-out sessions with the boss. One look at you wincing and biting your lip and hearing you quietly begging God to let you die, and they'll know you're sorry. Al Capone said it best: "Beastmaster for doing the crime, Cock Lobster for doing the trial."

Make sure to: Keep an eye out. The smell of lobster can attract a host of predators, from raccoons to sea gulls to bears.


#4 The Escalade

Made of: A bottle of Cristal champagne, fitted into a leather Louis Vuitton adjustable crotch bottle harness.

Ideal for: Any time you're in the line of sight of females, my friend. The ultimate symbol of wealth and virility, this bulge can be seen from 100 feet away if worn with the right pants. Also, positioned perpendicular to the groin, this foot-long protrusion is ideal for people who dislikes hugs.

All right this is the one I'm going with!

Make sure to: Avoid breakage. Not recommended for contact sports.


#5 The Commander in Chief

Made of: A deflated football, partially filled with warm clam chowder.

Ideal for: Just ask its inventor, one John F. Kennedy.

That's right, folks, this is The Bulge That Changed History. When Kennedy faced Nixon in the first televised debates of 1960, the audience who heard the debate on radio declared Nixon the winner. Those who saw it on TV, however, overwhelmingly went Kennedy. Why?

Because Kennedy was packing The Commander In Chief, broadcasting his distended groin into the zeitgeist of the free world once and for all. The people heard Nixon talk tough on Communism. They saw Kennedy had five pounds of dong.

Look around and you'll see "The Commander" is making a comeback in a huge way. In a nation longing for change, growing fearful of terror just as JFK's America lived under the looming Soviet shadow, this bulge's time has come once again.

In your own life, this classic is ideal for first impressions, such as job interviews or meeting the parents of your future bride for the first time. Good heft and volume, yet comfortable and form-fitting. A natural look that speaks of quiet authority.

Make sure to: Avoid leakage. Just ask George W. Bush, who planned to unleash his "Commander" in 2003 after landing aboard an aircraft carrier. Unfortunately, the G-forces from the flight ruptured the football, spilling most of the chowder down his thighs. When he stepped off the plane he unveiled to a shocked nation a bulge not even a quarter of the size he planned:



I just made you look at George W's crotch!

New release this week

I may have stepped over the line this week with the post of The 69th annual Christian Adult Movie Awards. So before I cause further damage to the religious community, I'd like to offer up an olive branch with the following recommendation to add to your record collection.




Heeeeeeya!!!!!

Holy Friday link Batman!

With the Oscars in the books for another year and other award shows soon to follow, I thought I'd post a link to the best award show thus far. Yup better than the Golden Globes, Oscars, Grammy Awards put together. I'm talking about The 69th annual Christian Adult Movie Awards.

Perhaps you can tell me? In the clip for best picture nomination,"Thy Kingdom Come",isn't that the guy from American Idol wearing the Ranger jersey?

Jesus! First Antonella Barba, now this.

The long road back to spectacular

Last week during my review of The Departed I stated, perhaps GIGC was becoming disappointed with my love making skills and I had been stripped of my title- Spectacular- and relegated to the lesser vestige of someone who is, just good.

I vowed to get in more practice with the female of the species and come back stronger than ever.

Following is a survey I have prepared for my multiple, vagina-card-carrying, partners in an effort to better myself and regain my lofty sexual prowess with GIGC.


1- Dear female: You have just had sex with me. Was it a disappointing experience?

No
Yes


2- During foreplay, which of the following breast-stimulation techniques did I employ?

a) The Tune in Tokyo
b) The Kneading Dough
c) The Soft Caress
d) The Obligatory Nipple Suck


3- You realized I was interested in having sexual intercourse with you when I...

a) Poured you a glass of wine and dimmed the lights
b) Came out of the bathroom naked
c) Put on porn "by mistake"
d) Announced, "It's not going to suck itself"
e) Drugged your drink


4- When I first moved my hand downtown, you thought

a) "Don't stop"
b) "Please stop"
c) I'd dropped a Cheeto.


5- Seeing me naked for the first time made you...

a) Hot with anticipation
b) Jealous of my boobs
c) Ask whether you could braid my back hair
d) Wish you had a smaller vagina


6- When you were kind enough to give me oral attention, I...

a) Made sure to return the favor later in the evening
b) Grabbed your ears as if I was hoisting the Stanley Cup
c) Repeatedly shouted directions at you
d) Purposefully misled you about the timing of my climax


7- I treated your clitoris like it was a:

a) Spittoon
b) Speed bag
c) Delicate mandolin
d) Paper triangle football


8- Which words best describe my penis?

a) Punishing
b) Nice
c) Disappointing
d) Weird
e) What penis?


9- In my mind, the sex lasted for hours. In reality, it took up:

a) 1 min. - less than 2 min.
b) 2 min. - less than 3 min.
c) 3 min - less than 4 min.
d) Greater than 4 min.


10- How many orgasms did you have?

a) Multiple
b) One
c) Zero
d) One - in the bathroom afterward riding my electric shaver.


11- Over the course of the night, the most inappropriate thing I tried to use on you was...

a) A cheesy pickup line
b) A Black Mambo vibrator with crocodile ribs
c) The shocker
d) The sleeper hold
e) The Dirty Sanchez


12- Did I say anything embarrassing at the point of the orgasm?

No
Yes, and here it is (please spell phonetically in the comment box)


13- During our five minutes or less of intercourse, how many positions did I bust out?

a) 1
b) 2 - 3
c) 4 - 6
d) 7 or more
e) You don't know. The pain of your ankles up behind your ears was too excruciating.


14- You cried during intercourse. Why?

a) I was crushing you
b) I was pulling your hair
c) It was just that big
d) I brought back painful memories of that time you were with your uncle in the woodshed.
e) It wasn't tears - it was my sweat that had fallen onto your face


15- Immediately after finishing our act of lovemaking, I...

a) Tried to high-five you
b) Fell asleep on the wet spot
c) Cuddled you attentively
d) Turned the TV back on so I could watch Heroes


16- What best describes the view you had when you woke up?

a) A sleeping Adonis
b) A puddle of drool
c) My Star Wars bedsheets
d) My best friend sneaking out from his hiding place in the closet with the video camera

Thank you for participating in this survey. Please leave your answers in the comment box and I promise I won't comment on your box.

In senced

You may have noticed ad sense was moved to the sidebar, or then again maybe you didn't. The reason for this is simple. I’ve reached a breaking point with them. It’s one thing if you can choose your own content. It’s quite another when they throw-up –notice my choice of words?– whatever they damn well please.

I guess it’s a toss up between the ad for Tucker balls and Religious messages that have hounded my site over the past week. All of which has raised my ire. I found the Cat Oral ones amusing, but Trucker Balls? What’s next? Cock Sausage?

And I’m probably the most non religious person on the planet, but I find anyone who tries to push their beliefs on me, or anyone else for that matter, highly offensive.

So, ad sense has been moved...you know what?....I'm just going to delete the damn thing altogether. I’ll find my own affiliate programs. Something better suited and that makes more sense than the sense their pushing at Google.

YouTube Tuesday

On the day after, he rested

I'm taking it easy today my friends. Every year the Oscars seem to wear me out a little, like I've been pile-driven, and I need a day or two to recoup. So this is the extent of today's post....what was up with Reese Witherspoon's chin anyway? Looks like someone either hit her with Kirk Douglas, or she bit off Ryan's manhood in the divorce and it's still lodged in her mouth.

New release this week

I hope I haven't offended anyone with my Oscar Reviews this week? If I did, I'm truly sorry and would like to make amends by recommending the following Oscar album: Regurgitate's- Carnivorous Erection......Hey! Wait a minute! That's not an Oscar....

The Departed

Steller cast and everyone is good. Jack Nicholson is good, Leonardo DiCaprio is good, Mark and Robert Wahlberg are both good. There's a bunch of Sheens and a host of Baldwins including the almighty Alec Balwin...all good, good, good. Even Matt Damon is good in this movie by Christ!

However, with a cast like this it should be more than good. It should be spectacular. Why, even Martin, He shoots he Scorcese has toned down the violence to a level barely making me lift an eyebrow.

I guess it’s like GIGC often says to me in bed. "After all this time with me the sex shouldn't be be good. It should be spectacular".

And she’s right. I admit it. I need practice. And that’s what I intend to do. I’m going to go out and practice with as many women as I can find until I get it right. I will be spectacular.....I’d do anything for that woman.

Enjoy the Oscars.

Little Miss Sunshine

In a perfect world this movie wins best picture. Why? Just my opinion. I like quirky films like this one. But realistically It won’t.

I guess I really identify with the dysfunctional characters. It’s like looking into a mirror at my own family; the neurotic wife; the father who despite his positive attitude and best efforts always comes up short; the son who’s taken a self imposed exile, choosing not to speak; the gay brother-in-law who tries to commit suicide; the pill-popping, crass-talking, grandparent and the chubby daughter with delusions of grandeur.....OK, we don’t have a daughter, but we have a cat and you should see him do his Super Freak routine.....his Macarena ain’t bad either.

Tomorrow: The Departed

The Queen

The Queen was a good movie, however, I was disappointed. I waited for an actor depicting Freddie Mercury the whole film and he never appeared. All I got was James Cromwell as Prince Philip doing a very bad British accent, “I say lads, I nearly popped that stag with my trusty musket. Well, must run and tell the Queen Mum, ta-ta, pip-pip, cheerio, and all that sort.”

Believe it or not, he actually had three months of vocal coaching! I haven’t heard an accent that bad since GIGC tried her English accent which sounded more like a Southern U.S., Rastifarian, Baptist.

Helen Mirren did a remarkable portrayal in the lead roll. She looks like the Queen, she waves like the Queen, She even talks like the Queen- Cromwell are you taking notes? You know what? Why don't you just go back to trying to kill Jack Bauer....

All which leads me to believe she must be getting banged quite a lot by guys with Queen fetishes. "Come on baby! Knight my bishop and call me Sir Lance-a-lot.....No, leave the wig on."

In fact, I couldn’t fathom how many Queen Fetish sites there are on the internet.....thousands of them! I just opened one up in another window and I’m looking at it right now.....Oh wait that’s for something totally different....sorry....gotta go. Time to surf some porn.

Tomorrow: Little Miss Sunshine

Babel

Let's forget all the talk about this being Brad Pitt's best movie roll ever, he's in it for five minutes....maybe six....and that's why you don't see his name in the best actor category. Who does he think he is? Anthony Hopkins?....And Cate Blanchett pees in a pot, the guys on Iwo Jima still have her beat. Why am I even bothering?

Below is a YouTube review of Babel in seven languages.....Thanks Babosa.... It sums up everything you need to know about this movie in a poignant succinct way I could never convey. Watch it.



Tomorrow: The Queen

Letters from Iwo Jima

I can’t remember an Oscar year where so many films, with subtitles, were up for awards. Hmm let’s see, Pans Labyrinth, Apocalypto, Babel, Borat, Blood Diamond, The Last King of Scotland, Happy Feet.....and Letters from Iwo Jima.

Subtitles, aside I rather enjoyed this film. Flags of our Fathers is a piece of crap compared to this. I’m beginning to think Clint Eastwood made that film just so you’d see how much better Iwo Jima was. Kind of like watching Sly’s new Rocky, (a decent film), but then watching Million Dollar Baby right after it--- no comparison.

I feel Letters deserves to take film of the year, for the following reasons:

Little Miss Sunshine is a dark comedy and they never win.
The Departed is a Scorcese directed picture and he never wins.
The Queen.....Has anyone even seen this film?
Babel is this year’s Crash. Since Crash won last year....law of averages.

That leaves Letters From Iwo Jima, which also has other elements that are missing from the other nominated films.

For instance no one shits in a pot, eats weed soup, or commits suicide with a hand grenade.....OK, besides in The Queen......Hey! I thought you didn't see that film?

Tomorrow: Babel

New release this week

I may have come across a little high-strung this week and for that I apologize, especially to those who see being snowed in somewhere with nothing exciting to do but defecate on the night tables as a holiday in hedonism. With this in mind I highly recommend the following.

If you see Kay

Since I still find myself in the white bastion hell that is the Econolodge, state side, I will be handing the reigns over to Linds today. Earlier in the week I left an option for an interactive post.

Linds was the only one with the balls to take me up on it and roll out her potty mouth.....It's why I love her so: The potty mouth and the balls and not as in testicles....you know what I mean.

Following is her post, for that post. Enjoy, and may God strike you down if you don't visit her Blog!

In a recent "survey/meme" I did online, it contained the question "What word do you use far too frequently?"

My response was thus:

"Fuck" or variations thereof... Fucked. Fucking. Fucker. Fucks. Fuckable. I'm such a dainty lady.

It's just such an awesomely versatile and powerful word; It's verb, noun, adjective, descriptor, exclamation, emphasis word... It can be used in so many different ways. It can even be used to accent itself! "You fucking fuck!" is always one of my favourite nastier snipes at inanimate objects. All of which I shouldn't use in front of my Grandma. (And usually don't.)

My favourite fridge magnet I've got on the fridge says: "I suppose saying Fuck you would be unprofessional?"

Be afraid for my children, dear ones. They are going to be the kids that have a shirt that says something like "My dad could kick your dad's ass!" or "All daddy wanted was a blow job." I'm well on my way to being honky Surrey white trash.

Luke! I am, Anna Nichole's baby's father

The last two days, I've been snowed in at an Econolodge in Canandaigua, just outside of Rochester N.Y. Suffice it to say, I've had a lot of time to watch E-True Hollywood Stories.

I've been amazed at the common thread all actors seem to share: The callous ability to fall in love quickly; to get married within hours of consummation; to fall out of love even quicker; and hide behind "irreconcilable differences" in a divorce a week later.

Seems to me, with a craft that demands so many hours in a multitude of exotic locations, you'd have more sense about getting hitched.

If it was me, I'd just make my millions and fuck when the need presented itself- three,four times daily. After all, isn't that why you're given a trailer?

But breakups are good for tabloid business and sell advertising on car wrecks like E-True. So it shouldn't come as a surprise so many are throwing their hats into the Anna Nichole baby ring vying for paternity....Who's next? Ellen Degeneres?

666

I understand today is Valentine's Day, which is scary enough, but it is also my 666th post on Strangedaze. I had planned to do something evil and dastardly to mark the occasion however, I find myself out of my element for the time being and unable to display much more than a quick note.

And let's put the rumours to rest. By out of my element I don't mean I'm currently wearing assless chaps in a gay biker bar.

See ya....

The day before VD

With Valentine's Day looming in the wings like some half-errect penis, perhaps you might want to watch this first before you find yourself K-I-S-S-I-N-G among other things.

U post

In an effort to be more interactive. You write today’s post. Go!

New release this week

If you haven’t been following the new release Saturday, I’ll refresh your memory.

I’ve set aside this post, not only to recommend excellent additions to your music collection, but to make amends with sects of the population I may have offended in my posts during the course of the week.

It looked like I was going to get through the week without having to apologize to anyone, then Anna Nicole Smith kacked. Now, I have so much to choose from— religion, fat chicks, dead people, cross dressers, addicts- I’m not sure what I could post to cover everyone?... Thank you Anna Nicole!

Since I’ve already done the dead, did the addicts last week and I’m forever apologizing to the religious zealots anyway, I’ll try to kill as many birds with one stone, with no pun intended to the dead, animal activists, or the addicts.

As not to further offend, cross dressers, animal activists, the overweight, and the makers of stupid hats, this week I recommend: My Turtle's Dead! by Weela Gallez

A link's as good as a nod to a blind bat

I’m not here to talk about Anna Nicole Smith who died suddenly yesterday, and which I’m sure, you are already aware.

That’s a picture of her BTW for those of you who’ve been living at the bottom of an outhouse with a digital camera.......Come home Herb! It’s cold out and Mom’s getting worried.

After all, this is the Friday link and that’s what I’m going to do. I’m not going to sit here and discuss how someone must have told Anna Nicole, God was an old fuck who has lots of money so she better get up there quick.

I will however, direct you to our old friends at the Death Pool so you can see how many people cashed in with correct predictions she’d kick the bucket.

Besides Anna Nicole will always be here with us. She will live on in the embodiment of female impersonators everywhere in Elvis proportions....you know, “fat Anna Nicole” or, “thin Anna Nicole”.

So, go to the link and while you're there, why not sign up? Pick you're own soon to be dead guys.......and no, I'm not on the list.

Recommended: 5 daily servings

When looking for a handy sex aid, many of us turn to the produce aisle for inspiration--- I know I did when I worked in the industry--- and a dildo or masturbation toy may be as close as the refrigerator or fruit bowl.

While the humble cucumber and its comrades have served well, there are some more elaborate creations out there for the right devious mind. Take for instance....

The Classic Cucumber Dildo



The cucumber is a time-honored favorite from the refrigerator. Now it's been updated with a bullet vibrator and a celery stick clit stimulator.

Cut off the end of a cucumber and dig a hollow in it about twice as long as your bullet vibrator. Cut a length of celery about four inches long. About an inch from the open end of the cuke, cut a hole in the side just big enough to fit the celery. Push the bullet vibe all the way in, then insert the celery stalk, pushing it down behind the bullet. You'll feel the vibrations deep inside while the celery ridges tickle your clit. You'll be halfway to a tossed salad in no time.


The Papaya Pussy



The super slick flesh of this fruit combines with smooth slippery seeds creating a sensation you won't soon forget.

Select a ripe papaya long enough to fit your penis but small enough to hold comfortably in one hand....if you're Bob Noxious you'll need two papaya.

Cut a hole in the round end (not the stem end) a little smaller than your penis. Remove most of the pulp and loose seeds from the inside, leaving some attached to the sides to make "ridges". The papaya is ready to use at this point, but you can also add vibration. At the stem end, cut a small hole through the meat of the papaya perpendicular to the tunnel and slide in a small bullet vibrator.


Cucumber Melon Ball



Once you get past the image that this thing looks like a Disney character you should be fine. Insertion of a cucumber dildo into the melon base is so it an be "ridden". Also note the addition of a vibrator and a second ridged cucumber for clit or anal stimulation.

Cut two holes in a melon a couple of inches apart. Size the holes so that your cucumbers will fit in snugly. Cut a few inches off the end of a cucumber, carve ridges into the surface, and hollow out the base to fit a bullet vibrator. Cut a small notch in the base to accommodate the wire when the piece is inserted. Fit the bullet in place and insert the cuke section into one of the holes, then push the other whole cucumber into place in the other. This can be ridden facing either direction, with the vibrating element pressing against the clit or anal area.

Giddy-up!


English Cucumber Double Dong



You and a friend can share your love of produce with this two-ended toy. Select the longest English cucumber you can find. One with a curve to it is ideal. Near the center of the cuke, carve out two small holes in which to insert your bullet vibrators. You can leave the vibrators sticking up a bit to nudge your clit(s). Added, are some textured jelly cock rings for extra stimulation.

I can't wait to watch GIGC try this one out.



Japanese Eggplant Wand



These elegant eggplants have many advantages as a sex toy - they're long, smooth, slightly pliant, come in a variety of sizes, and are often gently curved. Installing a bullet vibrator by carving out a hollow near the stem end of the eggplant is advised. As a clitoral tickler, note the frilly kale leaf. To insert the kale, poke a hole through the eggplant with a skewer or small knife and thread the kale stem through. A little vegetable oil "lube" can ease the way.


Bell Pepper- Asparagus Clit Vibe



In general, it's best to stay away from peppers when making sex toys from food, however the following is an exception for this sweet red bell pepper--- GIGC is allergic to the green peppers. To make this toy, carefully cut the bell pepper on the diagonal so that the "bump" inside below the stem remains intact. Remove all seeds and trim the inner membranes around the protuberance. With a corer or knife, cut around the stem and remove it, leaving the rest of the cap intact. Carve out a hollow where the stem was and insert a bullet vibe. For an optional anal tickler, cut a small hole below the vibrator and insert a sturdy stalk of asparagus with a base wider than the tip. The asparagus can rest against the anal area.

I don't suggest inserting it, but if you do, cover the entire toy with a condom in case the stalk breaks.....And for God's sake never add cheese sauce....I won't be doing that again.



One Potato Two Potato



This hefty yam promises to be mighty filling, while a small potato serves as a side dish. Cut an inch or two off the end of a yam or sweet potato. If the other end is pointy, carve it down and round it off. Use an apple corer to remove flesh from the inside of the yam, carving out a hole long enough and wide enough to insert a slim vibrator. This dual vibrator has an attached bullet, slipped into a small Yukon Gold potato, also cored out.

Oh yeah! Pass the butter!



Zucchini Carrot Combo



Zucchinis are a favorite alternative to the classic cucumber dildo. Here there's additional baby carrots for clit and G-spot stimulation. Cut a couple of inches off the end of a zucchini, carefully hollow it out, and insert a slim vibrator. Near the base of the zuke, make some small circular holes 1/4 to 1/2 inch in diameter. Cut off short lengths of baby carrots and insert into the holes. Adjust the height of the bumps depending on how wild a ride you want.


Starfruit Passion



This tropical fruit is just the right size and shape for an exotic sex toy. Select a starfruit that is underripe and firm. Cut a small hole in the stem end and hollow out a cavity just big enough for a bullet vibrator. Insert the bullet (if it's not waterproof, you may need to cover it with plastic wrap to protect it from the juice). The starfruit's ridges are perfect for gliding along your clit, and produce unique sensations when inserted.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to the market to pick up a few things.

Again by the numbers

7 strange gadgets you don't want to be seen using.

Top 10 movie plane crashes of all time.

Top 10 annoying kids in movies. Aren't they all annoying?

Top 20 guitar solos of all time.

And their crazy fans.

The top 100 worst porn titles of all time. THE ANAL GIRLS OF TOBACCO ROAD 2 : VAGINA SLIMES, Kinda says it all doesn't it?

Super Bowl Commercials 2007

I just finished watching the commercials for the Super Bowl.....most them anyway...I fell asleep, and Robert Goulet snuck in and fucked with my shit.

What I'm trying to say here is, the commercials this year were sub-standard at best. I guess everyone was too wrapped up in paying for the spots to put much thought into actually entertaining the public.....and now I have an hour of my life I will never get back.

If you must watch, they are all here. My recommendation? Watch the stuff with beer and animals....the career builder spots were also ok....forget the rest.....Remember....Robert Goulet. You've been warned.

Personally, I'd rather watch how sushi's made. I've seen it and it's a lot like this except with less singing.

Wing finals Jaded

With over 500 wings settled in the bellies of competitors, the exciting Durham Wing Finals came to a stunning conclusion yesterday at the Wing Shack in Whitby.

When the dust cleared and the last of the bones had been picked through and counted, Jade "Jugs" Monahan *slut* was crowned the wing eating champion, taking home the $5,000.00 first place prize.

In her wake, nine other male finalists--- including The Pit--- stood in awe of her voracious appetite for meat, proving why women are more successful in porn than men.

Although, setting a new personal best with 55 wings, our beloved Pit could only manage 2nd place to Monahan, *child abuser*, who defeated all her advisories with a final count of 60 wings.


Jugs * rug muncher* was a late entrant, earning her spot in the finals only last week, by sucking 65 off the bone.

Despite a valiant effort, The Pit was so upset after his performance he barely finished his six chicken dinners, but hopes for a rematch against Monahan *fecal eater* in the spring.

New release this week

Hold on a sec....I’m still laughing over the cat oral ad by Google. Just the thought.....a cat performing fellatio.....It may not bring in any revenue but it sure makes me giggle from time to time.....the ads that is, not the cat giving oral.

This week there has been too much talk about crack why even the Google Ad Sense touted, concrete "crack" repair.....See what I mean?

As not to further offend any more drug addicts I recommend: The Addicts Sing- Various artists.

Hook, line and link'er

Hello Random Blog Reader,

I want to play a game.



For months now you have been coming to this site--- pontificating, self absorbed, never reading, staying for mere milliseconds and clicking onto another page as fast as you can....You've been putting yourself dangerously close to developing Carpal Tunnel.

Now, it is I who will prognosticate.

Before you are two links.

Link #1 Link #2

One of these links holds the key to returning here safely, while the other....holds the potential of six more weeks of winter....a nasty proposition to destroy all hope of you feeling the warmth of the sun.

Which will it be Random Blog Reader?

You have thirty seconds.

Make your choice.

Wing ding

Earlier this week you met the contenders, The Pit, Eight Fingers Louie, and Juan Ricco “Santa” Sanchez, all heavy favorites to take home the crown this Sunday in Whitby.

Now it’s time to meet the pretenders for the Grand Chicken wing-off.

Jade "Jugs" Moynihan (2-1)
Allegedly ate 63 wings in 10 minutes last week to qualify for the finals. She has squeezed her way into a spot as a ligitimate contender. Hopes to use the winnings to move from her fridge box to a more spacious dumpster and buy more crack.




Rick "Bushy" Lisko (10-1)
Claim to fame: He recently ate a seven-legged, transgendered deer that he'd run over with his vehicle. Story here.







It’s not just bad news for the Bears on Sunday, it’s "Bad News" Bartor Manning (25-1)
No relation to Peyton, but is a second cousin, twice removed, to Eli. Also known as El Diablo to his friends he once ate a Creative Touch blender due to impatience, when he couldn’t wait for the mashed potato shake. Favorite dish: two tire irons, with a side of cabbage and a small nest of baby eagles in barbeque sauce.


Harlan "the Tunnel" Martinez (50-1)
Can eat 14 kittens and an oil painting of Omar Epps in seven minutes.








Freddie "Sandman" Gooligon
(75-1)
Has been eating 2lbs of dirt in Inner Mongolia for the past two months in preparation. Note to self: Cancel culinary trip to Inner Mongolia.






Darla "Wing Whore" McGeggie (80-1)
The only other woman in the field of ten. She says she has been too busy dating hunks to train for Sunday's final. The question is: Hunks of what?






Tony "Squint" Bibby (100-1)
Doesn't expect to win Sunday, he's just going, "to score all the luscious wing groupies".

It’s the breast news ever

Women of the world rejoice, the gestation of seminal fluid helps to prevent breast cancer.

so open up and say awwww!

Thank you science!

Ok.....look.....I’m not making this up. GIGC herself, told me this when she walked in the house last evening. Said she heard it on CNN, which at this time of the year, is a somewhat, semi-reputable source.

Although I failed to come up with an appropriate link, or find this story, why would GIGC lie to me? It’s not like she has to fabricate such tales in order to drain my lizard. She just says the word and I pull out all my junk until there’s spunk. That's right we're talking a little, who's your daddy? Captain of the ship, and Pimp and the Pendulum. It's that simple.

And she has never had a problem with her breasts. In fact, they have increased in size for the experience.

So, I must assume from our own experiments, with more testing to be done of course, that she is correct in collating this information: Sperm is the best thing for women next to drinking from the fountain of youth.

Seminal fluid has already been touted as good for the complexion, full of protein and purveyor of world peace. Plus frequent masturbation keeps your prostate happy.

Sperm is there anything it can’t do?

Based on what I have told you today, no longer should men have to waste their seed into a dirty sock, goat, or tissue. The new cum-dumpster has arrived.

Three cheers!

Hip-hip...

Hip-hip...

Hip-hip...

How to Wash A Cat

Eating more than a man-sized dog

There's one week remaining before the big event. No silly. Not the Super Bowl....The Wing eating Contest Finals in Whitby, where The Pit will take on all challengers for the title of Supreme Wing Eating God.

It promises to be bloodier than any UFC championship, more violent than the worst combat where only rolled up newspapers and sharp pointy sticks were used, and more jaw dropping than the time the government accidently paid you too much back on your tax return.....Ok, forget the last comparison. It never really happened, but you get the idea.

So far the field of competitors looks weak except for two, Eight Fingers Louie, (2006 Club sandwich eating champion), In fact, the man had seen more clubs than a baby seal, his eating prowess is that revered. And Juan Ricco “Santa” Sanchez who was once employed by the U.S. government to eat illegal immigrants and who will often fake out his opponents by chowing down in the nude.


This will be the first time these men have met in what many are calling The Rumble in the Small Intestine.

In preparation for this blessed event and to maintain his focus and masticating voracity, The Pit has trained hard. Yesterday it is reported he ate nine cinder blocks and rid Whitby of its homeless problem by devouring all four indigents.

Later in the week we will interview The Pit’s faithful canine companion Meatball.

Excerpts from the Meatball interview:

Interviewer: What’s the most incredible thing you’ve seen your master eat?

Meatball: Bark.

Interviewer: The Pit has never faced Eight Fingers Louie or Santa Sanchez before. If you could sum up this titanic battle in one word, what would it be?

Meatball: Ruff.

Interviewer: What kind of wings does the Pit usually enjoys when he’s not competing?

Meatball: Spicy southern Cajun style with a hint of garlic.


Remember fans, set aside Sunday, Feb 4th, to witness Whitby sports history and support The Pit.

Cross-posted @ Mitchieville.

New release this week

This week, I fear I have pushed one too many wrong buttons. What, with the posts dealing with anal insertions and dissin’ the Christian rock fags in their Stryper T-shirts, it’s time to make amends.

So as not to further offend anyone from the Gay community, be they Christian or otherwise, I recommend Jose Angel- Christian Homosexual.



You know, give him a mustache and he's got a whole Ron Jeremy vibe going on.
I also think he's originally from Buffalo....there, did I appease everyone?

Tattoo U.

I have to say, some people take the art of tattooing way too seriously.
Meet Puff the Magic Dragon.

Here's the dragon.....




and here's Puff.

Armageddon!

On Fridays I’ve been linking to other Blogs, but because it’s the end of the week and I feel you need a good laugh, I’m doing something different.

In fact, something I’ve never done in all my days posting on daze. I'm going to regurg-a-link.

In case you missed it I’m going to direct you back to a post from earlier in the week called, "Damn foreigners", where there are stories and pictures of people inserting various items into their inner selves. From oven mitts to octopus it’s all here.

There was one link on the page in particular, I didn’t click on the first time around even though I posted the frickin thing.

It took GIGC to bring it to my attention and I have to tell you my friends, I laughed so hard I had a diaper full.

Start your weekend off right, ">with this audio clip. You may have a mess on your hands, but you’ll thank me for it.

Supernova more like dwarf star

Now, I know Supernova played Massey Hall last night here in Toronto. I haven’t read any reviews from that show, but I will give you my opinion on their performance.

Have you ever done anything that you regretted immediately after you did it?

Sure you have.

For me it was purchasing Supernova tickets back in August.

GIGC and I were caught up in the wake of yet another reality show, waiting anxiously to see who would be the last singer standing. However, five months removed, a mediocre album, and a questionable front man later, we found ourselves rolling down the QEW to the unholiest of holes. That’s right Buffalo, harbinger of winter’s nastiness, boarded-up, or burned-out buildings, and Topps Friendly Market.

I believe they build structures there just to board them up or burn them.

I guess since the house band from the show, (unceremoniously fired before the tour), Jason Newsted, (injured), and Panic Channel, (disinterested in cities who’s main industries are crack and guns), were not on the bill, I felt a little slighted.

Being surrounded by Christian rockers and their Stryper T-shirts didn’t help matters. Neither did the infectious dead-air between songs as Lukas constantly displayed a lack of audience interaction. The only highlight of the evening, was a disgruntled fan nearby who spent most of the set whipping Milk Duds at the band.

Besides us, our companions, and the Milk Dud guy, the only one who seemed to feel the same way we did, was guitarist Gilby Clarke, who abruptly left the stage after the final number instead of joining Tommy Lee and the boys at centre stage their much over-rated bows.

On the positive side of things, I’m glad I didn’t shell out twice as much as the suckers in Toronto to see this debacle.

I guess if I’m to have a tainted memory of this experience, I’m happy I saw it in Buffalo and not somewhere I actually enjoy visiting.

Damn foreigners

Today we need something egregiously rip-roaringly hilarious yet borderline, if not fully gross, depending on your perspective.

You must check out the top ten foreign objects inserted into orifices.

Why? Because it’s Hump Day and what better way to celebrate it than watching what people have humped?

Oscar nods

Today is usually YouTube Tuesday where I post something visual. Well, today I'll go you one better.....actually 4 better.....for you mathematicians, that's five. For those who aren't good with numbers, that's two. For those of you who never learned to read, what the fuck are you doing here?

Below are all the trailers for best picture nominations, or go here for all the buzz.

For today is not just YouTube Tuesday, it's YouTubener Tuesday.

Ok, it's an inside joke, but I assure you, those who get it are on the floor as we speak holding their bellies with laughter, tears leaking from their eyes and, god knows what else, leaking from every other orifice.

Little Miss Sunshine

The Queen

Babel

Letters From Iwo Jima

The Departed

Oakey doakey karaoke

To celebrate the passing of another year of existence for GIGC and myself, our friends took us out to sing and puke. Which would come first was anyone’s guess?

It was a great evening filled with karaoke and songs not usually heard unless you’re stranded by the roadside, with a smoking radiator, in the middle of nowhere, praying for a tow-truck, before some chainsaw-wielding maniac attacks you, and in your boredom you try to find a signal on the radio, as scraps of long-forgotten ballads interrupt the static and your constant weeping......You know? Those songs.

It was a great evening and I strongly suggest you get out and embarrass yourself this way, in the near future.

Unless your last name was Purderfiled, everyone was allowed to sing. And sing we did, several times over the course of the evening. Why even The Pit took time out from his training for the upcoming wing eating finals to partake. However, it was not until he had eaten 40 wings, eight shot glasses, and two table legs.

Here are some of the renditions I remember and if I forgot anything blame the booze:
Come Sail Away- Cartman style, Up where we belong, I believe in a thing called Love, It's still Rockin Roll to Me, Rasputin, The Distance, Little Bird, Bearcat, Keep Your Hands to Yourself, Sledgehammer, Downtown Came Uptown, and that I-ee I-ee I-ee song by Our Lady Peace, (take your pick).

Below: GIGC sings, Keeping my Cheese Dry. The duet of Trebor E-nots and The Pit sing an instrumental in front of the demon D.J. And Bob Noxious, I’m told is still shitting blood after his authentic version of Motorhead’s, Ace of Spades.

New release this week

As not to offend anyone dead or dying , I recommend- Where Are The Dead?

But given the picture on the cover, you must be saying to yourself....Well...Duh!

Link? Wasn't he one of the Mod Squad?

First of all, what's with the Google ad for Gulf hurricane relief? Wasn't this the worst year for lack of devastation ever?.....Man, I really need a new affiliate.

It was my intention today, on Link Friday, to just throw a dart, or click next Blog, and link to the first site that came up.

After an hour and a half of tossing, I realized, there sure is a lot of boring shit out there. Screw this. So I recommend you just go to Sex Scenes at Starbucks, because at least she always has something cool to say and It's the same template as my site. It'll be like you never left.

Kong is king

Last night I finally saw Kong.....no, not Peter Jackson’s Kong......no, not that piece of crap remake from the 70's with Jeff Bridges and Jessica Lange ....not even the Cooper original with Fay Wray . I’m talking about the band Kong
who delivered a small acoustic set at the Roof Top Pub last night. The trio of Jordan, (keys/vocals), Justin, (guitar) & Tristan, (bass/vocals) performed Neil Young’s Sugar Mountain and a Dark Side of the Moon medley. It was the perfect sandwich around the meat of one of their originals Blind Rain.
....Oh, did I mention the bass player is my son?.....Ok I’m biased....so sue me.

Ad sense doesn't make any

Sense that is.....I'd also be hard pressed to show you one red dime from this program either.

I’ve had this little Google item on my Blog for about two months now. Although I don’t expect to make oodles of cash from these advertisements, I would appreciate them putting up something more symbiotic of what I post here.

I mean let’s revue some of what I’ve seen on these pages:

Send you package to Thailand quickly.....Unless they’re talking about my cock and balls why on earth would I want to send anything to Thailand?

Find a date with overweight women.....Why because the svelte ones are temporarily out of stock?

Last minute Christmas gift ideas delivered to your home in time for the holidays......Ok because I have devoted posts to Christmas, this is relevant you say?.....Not in the middle of January it isn’t!

And today's gem (top left): Pest control for mice.....What the fuck is this? How is this pertinent to what I write on this site? I suppose if I post a blog containing diapers for gorillas it will magically appear in an ad tomorrow? Besides I already have pest control for mice....It’s called a FUCKIN’ CAT!

You know, I look at Mitchieville and the Mayor has really cool ads like get your own vampire fangs and last minute vacations in sun and sand.

As I sit here shivering in the Big Smoke’s current blast of Arctic air, I think I might just click on that. I can actually envision myself laying on a beach, smiling through my new vampire fangs.

But it doesn't stop there. Many a blog I have visited have more intriguing fare than what you’ve witnessed here and something needs to be done.

Yes my friends it’s time I went hunting for a new affiliate. Something sexually stunning yet, stunningly sexual. Something to appeal to the beast within us all.

Everyone knows sex sells, and cells make up the body, plus keep dangerous criminals from escaping. It’s what Strangedaze is all about and always will be.

Ads like that would make more sense and cents.

Posting one for the GIGC---ipper

Go Saints! I know. This post is strickly for GIGC. Why? Because I like to make her weep with joy. I also like to make her do other things with Joy....usually while I watch.

No bottom to this Pit

The big news on the weekend wasn't the New Orleans Saints victory over the Eagles. Although, GIGC was as giddy as a school girl.....mainly because she was wearing her school girl outfit....but that’s a different story.

No my friends, the football playoffs were once again relegated to second fiddle by a mighty shadow—The Pit.

In his quest to be the best OBJ has once again shocked the competition by posting a new personal high of 48 wings in 10 minutes.

At first, he went to the Wing Shack in Whitby merely an observer of another semi-final showdown for wing eating. His mission? To stare down those brave enough to consider climbing into the ring with our remorseless wing eating machine at the contest final on Super Bowl Sunday, Feb 4th.

However, the pit felt a tiny pang of hunger growing in his tummy, a yearning, gnawing, seed of discontent in need of satisfaction and sustenance. He decided to enter yet again with the sole purpose of gratifying an empty stomach. After all, it had been nearly 45 minutes since his last meal— a prime rib roast with a cheese cake chaser.

The Pit’s performance was nothing short of spectacular.
His opponents were left to marvel at his technique, be astonished by his capacity to ingest, and checked to see if they still had all their fingers as they walked away with heads hung in defeat.

Is there a man out there with the will to snatch the championship from this man?

I think not!

Feb 4th get out and support your Pit.

cross-posted at Mitchieville

New release this week

As to not offend the lesbian community, I recommend getting Alix Dobkin- Living With Lesbians: featuring the Lesbian Power Authority.

There are some great licks on this album, especially if you like to watch....I mean listen. It's much better than Jimmy, Fred, Cliff and friends- Orgy at the Bareback Carnival, or, Prison Past-time- Swallow Til Ya Puke, I'll tell you that much.

Here's linkin' at you kid

Last week I went for a little stroll through the Blog rolls of several sites. In my haste I skipped perhaps one of the most, informative, vivid, yet excruciatingly facetious and well written sites in the Blog community.

I’m talking of non-other than Scott’s Blog elemenohpee.

I strongly suggest you go there right now. Scott assured me he was going to post something deviously sexual today. If it’s not up, just keep clicking his site until it is. He’ll appreciate the patronage.

Ok Scott, I held up my end of the bargain. Please return my cat and my mother unharmed. I also want my parking space back at the Mitchieville Town Hall.

A day late and 250 million short/ Today's secret word is:

I didn’t post yesterday because I was too upset. Some idiot agreed to pay some other idiot 250 million dollars over five years to kick a ball in some idiot sport that rates even lower than hockey on the radar of most Americans. Or in other words idiot fans of Nascar.

I'm outraged. Although some of you might feel I'm a jealous idiot.

I couldn’t make that much coin over a lifetime, even if I lived to the ripe old age of 782, prostituted myself on weekends for extra cash, and married an aging idiot Texas oil tycoon.

So now, I guess, Mr. And Mrs. Idiot will be moving to L.A. to join a host of other affluent, non-panty wearing idiots.

Good luck imbeciles....(which is just another word for idiot.)

Today’s secret word was: Nascar

5 til the 6th of 24

With just 5 days left before the 6th season premiere of 24, I think it's time we all payed a visit to the Bauer count. Have you ever wanted to know how many people Jack has put out of their misery over the years and how it was done? Or perhaps you want to reacquaint yourself with the faithful departed? Whatever your poison, it's all here.

Including the unfortunate assassination of Ryan Chappelle, season 3, episode 18.

I can hear GIGC weeping from here.

Kobayashi!........God bless you.

Forget the frickin' chicken wings, OBJ's got a long way to go to get to this level.

In case you're still not sick

There's entire third world countries that eat less.

All hail the conquering hero

Forget the football playoffs on the weekend. The Patroits, Eagles, Colts, Seahawks....fuck em all!

The real action was at the Wing Shack in Ajax for the Durham Wing Eating Regional Semi-finals, where a game that real men dare to play was unfolding. One Ball Joe, now known as The Pit, defeated all comers by posting a decisive yet, come-from-behind victory, to advance to the final on Super Bowl Sunday (Feb 4th).

You know what? GIGC likes me to cum-from-behind too sometimes.

OBJ, rated as a massive underdog going into the competition for having only one testicle in his nut sack, still managed to find a little extra gusto from his solitary raisin and slipped by his opponents with ease. He never lost his composure. He always retained his focus. It was a feat which will live on in the pages of sport history along side the accomplishments of Gretzky, Jordan, Montana and the Babe.

It was a movie of the week, a best selling biography, a triumphant feeling of eluding the police after they find you snorting coke off a hooker’s ass.

It was the type of event which left you breathless and with tears welling up in pride for having witnessed its beauty.

Masticating through his last wing— 42 in all in 10 minutes, he left behind a pile of bones reminiscent of the death and destruction at the battle of K’yer Banor and other great one-sided conquests.

After he had crushed the spirits of lesser men to desperation and despair, we took him out for a well deserved victory celebration— all you can eat shrimp at Red Lobster.

Now following a day of rest and a good dump, The Pit, with the assistance of Babosa Miyagi will begin training for perhaps the most important contest of his life.

Good Luck OBJ a.k.a. The Pit.

Wax on. wax off!

Someone cue the theme from Rocky.



They don’t have The Pit's picture up yet, but you can go look at all the wimps that will be his final competition. Just click on photos.

Crossposted on Mitchieville

New release this week

As to not offend those who are handicapped, I recommend you pick up Something Special from Jeff- Featuring "Through it all".

Surf's up

Today I thought I’d take the blog/link process one step further. I thought it would be cool to go to a site, look at the sidebar for the blog buddies, click on a link that interests me, lather, rinse, repeat, until I’ve had enough, run out of links, or I just get sleepy.

Maybe I’ll even leave a few comments like we’re all old buddies?

What better place to get started than Mitchieville, *comment left*, who has more links to blogs than I have hemorrhoids.

On the Mayor’s sidebar, I first had to resist temptation to go to The Limits of Respectability, because it kind-of defeats the purpose. However, I did find some of interest in name alone, Tattered bits of brain and Small dead animals to name a few, but Whimpering Jello won out. *comment left*

This led me to the Church of Joe *comment left* Who begat...Boing boing. Then I found my self Waking up on Planet X. I think I'm lost, but I left my comment anyway.

This got me to Dust my broom, thankfully a place I was familiar with. After some tea and buttered scones Darcey showed me to the Halls of Macadamia which I noticed seemed to be linked quite a lot.

From there I found myself at Boonbloggle, who doesn't blog much and smote Calgary grit, who afflicted Keegan's blog. It's getting very political now.....maybe this was a bad idea? Are there no crass assholes like myself out there?

....Getting sleepy. Must....close....eyes.

Doing it by the numbers

Today's title could have also read, "I'm just a lazy son of a bitch", because it's just a bunch of links for your perusing pleasure.

Top 10 weapons in history.

Top 10 lamest Super Heroes. Better watch out for Matter Eater Lad and Arm Fall Off Boy.

Top 10 most dead people of 2006.

The 5 smallest countries in the world. They didn't include the communist society that live at the base of my anal passage.....ah I'm just kidding.....they don't really live there, they just visit.

Top 10 special effects in movie history.

And the top 10 opening sequences in movie history.

The 100 worst martial arts movie names. You're wondering aren't ya? If "Crouching Dooflingus, Hidden Thing-a-ma-jig" is on the list. Well don't just stand there, get clicking.

The 100 most annoying things about 2006 other than martial arts movie names. You know, I thought "Head On" would have finished higher? "Head On! Apply directly to the forehead! Head On! Apply directly to the forehead!Head On! Apply directly to the forehead!Head On! Apply directly to the forehead!Head On! Apply directly to the forehead!"

Hand to gland combat

A concerned health message from Strangedaze.

I was just tooling around browsing some Blogs when I stopped off at Lind's site to catch up. Besides wondering what it might be like to get a good pole-waxing from her, I was very upset to learn, during the hustle and bustle of the holidays, I missed World Orgasm Day.

But then I got to thinking, for me, everyday is kind of like World Orgasm Day anyway--- in fact, sometimes three and four times an hour.


So why do we need to designate just one day to feel good? Beats me? (oh..that was good.)

World Orgasm Day should be everyday. It's for your own health to pump the python. People would be in a much happier frame of mind if they'd just get out there and play whack a mole regularly. Just think--- no more road rage.

So gents, rub the genie for all it's worth. Ladies open up those meat curtains and expose your fluffy sausage wallet. Get the battery operated eraser out and pretend someone made a mistake on your clitoris. If you like to play Battleship so much. remember you're just one hit away from sinking the man in the boat.

Join me my brethren in this offer. Together we can do this and make World Orgasm Day, everyday.You'll not only thank me, you'll feel better from the experience.


He said his DICK, not his face you idiot!

Warning: World Orgasm Day may not be suitable for everyone. Caution should be taken when asking others to assist you in your pleasure. This offer not in conjunction with current Strangedaze offer of free sphincter bleaching.

Dick in a box

I realize the holidays are kaput but sometimes there's just not enough time to post everything I want to put up. Such is the case with the next YouTube, but this is the last I swear, until next year.

Giving more to aural sects

First let me start by saying, Happy New Year.
At the beginning of each year I usually sit down and write an elaborate mission statement for the coming months, while cracking open last year's statement to see how well I did with all my broken promises.

I guess it’s kind of a new year resolution. However, I won’t bore you with a message so detailed as my usual mission statement. Today I will endeavor to be much more succinct.

It was two years ago today I started to Blog, which would make it, two years ago last night the Mayor told me, "It would be a good idea if I started to blog". Of course he did this with a gun pointed at my head, as he dangled me over a tenth story balcony. But the rest, as they say, is recent history.

Now, in my two years of Blogging, some have said I’m very insensitive to other religions, cultures, and people just plain different from me. That’s not true. I thought the Da Vinci Code was an accurate depiction of Christ.....ya fag!

I mean just because I think Japanese porn is hilarious, the way the women all scream like they're inches away from death while being poked by those little tiny dicks, does that make me insensitive?

But I don’t want to be chastised and treated like Michael Richards and Mel Gibson at an all black Bar mitzvah, so I’m going to try to be more sensitive in my post selections from here on in.--- Try to cater to all sects.

I will go out of my way, In fact, to mend fences with every aspect of all the diverse members of the human race I can think of. And if I leave someone out, please let me know and I will try to include your group at some point....

Ok wait a minute.

That’s much too hard.

I should have more realistic goals don't you think?

Tell you what. I’ll set one day aside to practice what I preach and it can also serve as a confessional for all the other insensitive bile I post here on Strangedaze.

The best place I feel to demonstrate my new found goodwill toward my fellow man/woman is in Saturday's new release section. Here...let me give you an example of what you can expect.

As not to offend those who support pro-choice I recommend: The Best of Birth Control- Believe in the Pill.

You know what? I feel much better now.