Sunday sex advice

10 Worst Handjob Mistakes

A handjob should be one of life's simple pleasures, but it often ends up as little more than a chafed disaster. Here are some tips to avoid common handjob pitfalls. Print out this list and keep it next to the sofa or tape it to the dashboard of your car.

1. Doing it dry
   If you don't want a sore, red, inflamed cock after all is said and done, use some lube. Unless you have extraordinarily soft skin or are a maestro of the cock fiddle, rubbing a dry cock will just make it raw. If you don’t have any KY Jelly or hand lotion handy, you can at least use the natural bodily fluid most readily available: saliva. As long as you can work up a mouthful of spit, there’s no excuse for a dry handjob.
2. Unrelated chatter
   Focus on the task at hand! No chatting on the cell phone with your friends or musing about dinner plans. Permissible topics of discussion include: how huge his cock feels in your hand, how wet he is making you, and how desperately you want him to come all over your face.
3. Fingernails
   Long, pointy, or roughly cut fingernails present a handjob hazard. They can poke, scrape, pinch, and gouge if you’re not careful. Accidents are most likely to happen when you’re moving too fast, so if you have long nails, take it slow and be careful. Fingernails can be used to good effect if you use them very lightly to caress or tickle his cock and balls. Using the backs, not the tips or edges, is recommended. If you’re not sure what you’re doing, don’t try, just keep them out of the way.
4. No rhythm
   In order to be pleasurable and build arousal to a climax, a handjob should have rhythm and continuity. It’s best to start slow and then steadily increase the pace till he pops off. Don’t stop and start or speed up and slow down randomly or for no reason. Once you start a handjob, you really have to keep at it until it’s over, or you lose the momentum (and he’ll lose his erection). Keep your hands on his dick, and keep them moving till he comes.
5. Limp grip
   When you shake hands with someone and their hand feels like a limp, dead fish, it’s creepy and unpleasant. Now imagine how it would feel to have that hand on your dick. Definitely not a turn on. A weak grip conveys lack of confidence, lack of enthusiasm for the job, or just downright distaste about touching a cock. It’s even worse if your hands are also cold and clammy. A weak grip combined with lackluster movement is the kiss of death for a hand job. Grasp his cock firmly (but not too firmly – see our next item) and stroke vigorously (but not too vigorously).
6. Vise grip
   Grabbing his cock in a death-grip is also a huge handjob mistake. A light but firm grasp is adequate. Remember, “choking the chicken” is just an expression. Putting a stranglehold on his cock is counterproductive. Also, while it can feel good to have the outer skin of the dick pulled back and forth over the shaft, you really need to move your hands over the surface too - don’t just grab one spot and start jerking up and down.
7. Wearing rings
   This is a no-brainer. You need to take off your rings before you give a hand job. They don’t “add sensation” – or they do, but the wrong kind. Rings can scratch and bump the delicate skin of the cock. They’re distracting. And they can get caught in his pubic hair. Needless to say, if you’re wearing a wedding or engagement ring, this goes double.
8. Nut crunching
   Unless he specifically says that he likes it rough, don’t squeeze, pull, or twist his nutsack. This can be painful. Many guys like to have their balls massaged, rubbed, or gently tugged during a handjob. But don’t grab them and knead them like a stress-ball. A light touch is best.
9. Smoking
   Smoking during a handjob is the kind of thing you might expect from a cheap hooker with a bad attitude, but don’t be surprised if you also encounter it from a party girl wasted on too many Slippery Nipples. In any case, we can’t emphasize this enough: Cigarettes and handjobs do not mix. Guys, don’t ever let anyone holding a burning object anywhere near your crotch. Smoldering ashes in the groin, scorch marks on the dick, blazing pubes - the potential for tragedy is just too great.
10. Not Cleaning Up After
    A good handjob should leave your man glowing in a state of relaxed post-ejaculatory bliss. And it will also leave a mess, gobs of jism, lube, and pubic hair. Keep a hot, wet towel at the ready, or at least a tissue, to clean up afterwards. Nothing will ruin his good mood more than having to deal with the aftermath himself.