Thank God they didn't make shit like this when I was kid #2

The Pee-Pee Teepee

It's not just a mechanism to block rogue urine sprays , it's a festive party hat for your baby's junk!

We noticed they are sized so adults can wear them too, but you might consider not breaking it out at the next office shindig. You don't want your last name being synonymous with HR's "Penis Hat" precedent for inappropriate conduct.




O'Pair Baby Leash

This is a great way to teach your children "I trust you exactly none." Think of it as a renewed umbilical cord designed to transfer shame instead of nutrients.

Note: this product is NOT recommended for joggers. That's a mistake you'll only make once.




"Thudguard" Helmet

Helmet jokes are too easy and, frankly, a little unfair. Babies learn to walk with a drunken stagger that invariably gravitates towards peril in all directions. A little protection is sensible enough while they are too young to be scarred by it (babies don't develop the shame gland until 18 months).

Tales from the road (part 30)

Private Sector returned home Friday to address the sudden death of a family member believed to be related to Sector, Bassist/ vocalist, Don Barley.

However, before landing it became evident that the news had been lost in translation when delivered by a Lithuanian stage-hand and the deceased was not related to Don Barley, but Golden Mitchum's singer Ron Gnarly, (pictured right), who were performing a charity event in North Kilt Town outside of Edinburgh.

Gnarly was immediately informed of the oversight- three songs into their set- and subsequently went crazy, trashing the stage, overturning two baby carriages and biting a local hotdog vendor.

Meanwhile Sector took the opportunity to play a surprise unplugged set up at Sibbald point, one year to the day after their first reunion performance with fellow unplugged band Kong.

Sector fly back to England for a set at the Reading Festival, at "Chapters/Indigo" Tomorrow night.

Strange holidaze

Since I will be away, yet again, this weekend and since Jose Marrone is not available, having previous obligations judging the finalists at his villages "Best One Legged Prostitute" competition, I will be regurgitating "News and Reviews" from the past.

As a compromise it will also include some of Jose's posts as translated by his wife.

So here are "News and Reviews Rechewed" from 2007.

(Strange)

You have the Wong number

China has been forced to mull the possibility of allowing double-barrelled surnames in a break with the ancient tradition that citizens adopt one of a hundred single character surnames.

The top ten Chinese surnames are: Wang, Li, Zhang, Liu, Chen, Yang, Huang, Zhao, Zhou, Wu.

The official total of permitted surnames is 161, but this doesn't do much to offset the fact that there are now 93 million Wangs in China - albeit very tiny wangs- something which is causing the authorities a bit of a problem.

Proposed additions to surnames are: Hung Low, Sum Yung Guy, Jones, Smith, Wong Way, Biff, and Angel-Drawers- just to name a few.

Police Official, Xang Biff Angel-Drawers, explained that "there are so many people who share an identity that it is becoming confusing", a name like Wang Tao is shared by no less than 100,000 people. "You can see how police work can be very difficult."


(Jose Marrone)

Cheee! Soy feliz de expresar mis pensamientos en noticias de mundo.

Hello again. I Jose wife, and I translate Jose. He say "He happy to be able to share his....how you say?.....'thinks' with the people on world news".

The answer is Owen in the wind

The incident on Sunday afternoon that landed actor Owen Wilson in the hospital was called in to police as a suicide attempt, according to Santa Monica Police Department phone logs.

According to the records, a call was received at 12:08 p.m. on Sunday for an incident listed as "attempt suicide." Wilson remains in stable condition at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Beverly Hills, California.

Este hombre es un cobarde. Cuán puedele más explica alguien que mira tan bueno que mi esposa lame su cartel como lo está hecho de frijoles refritos. El finalmente Le debe haber mirado Mí y Dupree. Eso es lo que lo manejó sobre la orilla.

Jose say,"Owen is a coward"- He is not!
Jose also say, "He good looking and I lick his poster at night like it's made of refried beans"- I do not!
Jose also say, "Owen must have finally watched 'You Me and Dupree' That's what drove him to try to kill himself.- Jose is sleeping on the couch tonight!


(Strange)

Big breast is not so bestest

Studies now concur, women who have had breast augmentation.....here's my chance to insert a picture of a overly large breasted woman

......are three times more likely to commit suicide or to die from drug or alcohol dependence.

Really, I can empathise with these women. Why, after I had my penis extension I thought about ending it several times. Personally, I think their mortality rate is tied in to the fact they get given more free drugs and alcohol than their budgie-sized-breast counterparts. But that's just me and my giant penis talking.


(Jose Marrone)

Greece fire

Fire officials in Greece say progress is being made in fighting deadly wildfires sweeping the country but many fires are not yet contained.

The fires have claimed at least 63 lives and burned numerous villages and thousands of hectares of forest.

Estas personas son estúpidas. Haga ellos no saben que usted es supuesto poner bicarbonato de soda en un fuego de grasa?

Jose say, " Don't people know baking soda is best to use on grease fire?"


(Strange)

Look out Barbie

Twelve inches high, these soft plush toys come in three beloved Bible characters ?
Moses, Esther and, of course, Jesus complete with biblical messages.

Like what? "Please don't crucify me." and "Thou shall not worship other plush dolls."

The doll's voice is activated when the child hugs its red heart. The simple but profound messages the dolls speak are at the heart of what these lovable teaching tools are all about. Here's a sample of those messages:-- I love you and I have an exciting plan for your life. (Jesus: Jeremiah 29:11)--

Say Jesus, did that plan including living paycheck to paycheck, with the government busting my balls for money I owe them, 7 STD's, a rare form of prostate cancer and a partridge...in a pear tree?

Sorry, I couldn't find out if the dolls were anatomically correct or not. "Moses' rope belt is hanging out of his robe. hey! That's not his rope!"


(Jose Marrone)

From Dog to God

NFL star quarterback Michael Vick pleaded guilty yesterday to a dogfighting charge, then took his first steps toward what he hopes will be redemption. Saying "I need to grow up," the quarterback apologized to the league and to the "young kids that I've let down who look at Michael Vick as a role model." He also said he has found God.

Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!.

Jose say, "Michael Vick is a good and honorable man. Dog fighting an honorable sport. He bet all the time with his aunts, uncles, grandparents, nieces, nephews and children back in Mexico" He say, " Vick should be hailed as a hero not a criminal".....but Jose wrong!

Qué es usted le haciendo mujerzuela grande???

I say he should be locked up for long time- And don't call me a slut Jose. You are already sleeping on the couch remember?- If Vick has truely found God, let us pray that he doesn't drown, shoot or electrocute our heavenly father too.....

Eso es suficiente usted vaca gorda!!!!

Usted duerme mejor con el pene en una mano y el sissors en el otro.....usted pedo parcialmente calvo viejo!

Translate easily here.

Cross posted on Mitchievillisimo

Dad's desert island collection #29

That sounds about right

Since I will be off camping this weekend I thought what better time than to visit the old Vomit Predictor 3000 and determine my chances for projectile spewing.


Take The Vomit Predictor 3000 quiz at LiquidGeneration.com!

Pottahawk by the numbers

It's been fun hasn't it. Another Pottahawk has come and gone. We've laughed at the outragous events over the past few weeks; explored the debauchery, relived the magic. Now it's time to shed a tear for I must return to regular blogging duties.

I'm not saying there won't be the odd Pottahawk post from time to time because their will. Somethings I wanted to post, I was just too damn lazy to get to by months end. But good things come to those who wait.

In the mean time I will leave you with the final tally of

Pottahawk by the numbers.

Number of people attending this year's event: Thousands and thousands.

Number of boats: 1500

Anchors stepped on: 1500

Police charges laid: 51-

Keep in mind this does not include public urination.

30 were Liquor Licence Act violations, 17 were in relation to the Canada Shipping Act, 3 with regards to Operator and Pleasure Craft Regulations, 2 Trespassing, and 1 violation of the Highway Traffic Act.

Highway traffic act? Must have been the dude driving the golf cart.

Booze ingested: Enough to fill 82 Olympic-sized swimming pools.

Deaths reported: 0- But in all honesty would you report it if you killed someone? Opps! I've said too much. And the numbers do not reflect all those who didn't use sunscreen. I'll get back to you in twenty years or so.

Estimated urination: Water level rose 1.8 cm and the ph value dropped a full point...so man! that's a lot of piss!

Breasts exposed: 213

Mustache rides given: 8

Beer bottle insertions: 2

Girl on girl action: Too numerous to mention. See numbers for people in attendance.

Johnny wad sightings: 67

Mustache rides given to Johnny Wad: 2

Boo sightings: Who cares?

Strangedaze page views the month of July: Over 6,000. Thank you for helping us break the previous record here at Strangedaze.

Oh! Almost forgot. Water tight cameras found: 1

Of course it goes without saying if this camera is not claimed I will develop it myself and perhaps put up a few of the pictures here. Suddenly those pictures of you and your father in the tool shed, you thought would never see the light of day are in jeopardy.

So if you don't want the world to see your meat muffin, you better contact me quick.

Tales from the road (part 29)

What was otherwise a joyous evening in the shadow of Stonehenge was marred by tragedy as Private Sector was informed of a sudden death of a family member in a bizarre gardening accident.

Details are still sketchy as to who it was and which of the five band member's family the person belonged to. The news was delivered by a Lithuanian exchange student who was working as a stage-hand and attempts to confirm the news with loved ones after the show went unanswered.

The band agreed to fly out after the performance to address the urgency of the news collectively.

As of this moment further tour dates have been postponed including tomorrow night's scheduled performance in North Kilt Town, however opening act The Golden Mitchums will play a charity event in the village square while they await the fate of the Sector tour.

Sticking it to ya

Atom.com: Funny Videos | Funny Cartoons | Comedy Central

Strangedaze Fall Lineup

Yes, you are soon to be bombarded with new television shows vying for your patronage. Some will swim- barely, some will sink into the dark abyss of oblivion and some will actually succeed.

Here at Strangedaze, we are no different from the major networks. We too must survive on the almighty advertising dollar and thus have to present a fall lineup of our own that we feel will earn your repeat visit.

First our offerings for Reality TV.

E-True Pottahawk Stories: Why wait until next year when you can have your Pottahawk every week as the debauchery knows no bounds and the craziness surpasses the limits, making even the hardened Crack-Whore blush. Bubbles from The Trailer Park Boys: Hosts.

Prediction: If the hits I got last month are any indication this show should be around for sometime.

Wednesdays @(9:00 PM)


Survivor "The Shwa": You think being stranded on a tropical island with nothing but a bunch of tribe mates and coconuts is hard? Try to Outwit, Outlast, Outplay your fellow contestants in Oshawa. Dabney Coleman hosts this hour long adventure.

Prediction: Although the network has only committed to one season, plans are already in the works for Survivor: "The Jane Finch Corridor", Survivor: "Parkdale" and Survivor "Brampton".

Thursdays @ (9:00 PM)


Dickie Helps: Move over Mike Holmes! With the success of home improvement shows it only stood to reason that Strangedaze would launch a similar program. Say hello to "Dickie Helps". Every week Dickie helps people correct drastic problems in their homes by identifying the shoddy workmanship, going home to do research on the resolution and getting back to the homeowner eight months later with the solution.

Prediction: Competition is heavy in this time slot. If Dickie helps himself into another season it will depend on viewers tuning in.

Saturdays @ (6:30 PM)


On the Drama front

C.S.I. Whitby: Jason Alexander returns in a serious roll as the Lab's director Morton Gibbs. He is joined by Honey Starwell- Lindsay Lohan, Jerimiah Jacobs- Nick Lachay, Pauline Preston-Reba McEntire and Omar Smith- Ron Glass.

Prediction: Sorry Jerry Bruckheimer, this franchise has been spread too thin. I don't see how the viewers will support another C.S.I.

Fridays @ (9:00 PM)


The Golden Mitchums: The Sopranos is a hard act to follow, but the Golden Mitchums are up to the task as TV's newest crime family. Burt Young of Rocky fame stars as the family's crime boss.

Prediction: Audiences may be Sopranoed out, but then again perhaps the Golden Mitchums will make an offer they can't refuse?

Wednesdays @ (10:00PM)


Gilligan's Eyelid: This futuristic drama borrows from "The Fantastic Voyage" as every week the special medical team at Gilligan General Hospital is shrunk and inserted into the tear duct of a critically ill patient. In their ship "the Eyelid" they try and eradicate the various diseases.

Prediction: Other than Anna Kournikova in her first dramatic role as the teams genital specialist Dr. Tatsiana Braslesski, I don't see what there is to look at.
I give it til "sweeps".

Mondays @ (10:00PM)


Game shows

What's Mom Talking About?

Wheel of Fortune meets $100,000 Pyramid is the best way to describe the newest brainstorm from Merv Griffin back from the grave. Every week contestants will be given a topic and then will have a limited time to guess "What's Mom Talking About?" and how it relates to the original subject.
Example: Topic- Racial Tensions
Clues: "I went to Walmart"
"I bought that dessert...oh what was it? Oh it was delicious!"
"It comes in a wee squishy box, I once ate it with a knife"
Answer: Black Forest Cake!

You see how that works?.....Neither do I really.

Mom, an elderly Scottish woman, will do her best to stump the panel and make sure they don't reach "The Mystery Hoop-la of Pain" where the real money is made.

Prediction: This show is too hard to play, won't last the month.

Monday to Friday (3:00 PM)


What Would Hitler Do?: Is set up like a Jeopardy-type game show where three contestants will answer questions from six categories like "Home and Garden", "Automobile Resale", "Choosing a Travel Agent" and answer with the response "Hitler would...."

Prediction: This show is expected to get cancelled as the answer to most questions on the show is: "Build a master race and annihilate all Jews."

Tuesdays @ (8:00 PM)

Everyone loves Comedy

That's Just Dina: Courtney Cox returns to the small screen as Dina- a Mr. Magooish type woman who has limited senses of sight, hearing and smell. Also staring Cory Haim, Puss the wonder Kitten, Alan Thicke and Bea Arthur as "Mum".

Prediction: With the right ensemble cast and excellent writing, this sitcom could go far. We'll have to see how viewers respond.

Mondays @ (8:00 PM)


Oh That Joe: Originally titled, "A Steaming Cup of Joe", the producers felt the title was too harsh for Joe played by Liev Schreiber- a lovable drunk who builds stuff and who has to deal with odd-ball customers , friends and neighbors. Look for a cross-over with "That's Just Dina" early in the season.

Prediction: The numbers were good for the pilot episode: "Joe Builds a Portable" and there's no reason to think this show won't be successful especially following "That's Just Dina" on Mondays.

Mondays @ (8:30 PM)


The Screaming Trudeaus: Think Desperate Housewives for guys and you have the Screaming Trudeaus- five brothers who all live on the same street and bicker over infidelity, drugs and who's turn it is to B.B.Q. Starring James Brolin, Josh Brolin and a bunch of Baldwins.

Prediction: I guess they're hoping for a niche audience like "Big Love", but more than likely this is a sinker.

Tuesdays @ (10:00 PM)

Meet the Bukkakes: Originally titled, "The 20 Horsemen of the Bukkakalypse", the show was streamlined to appeal to a wider audience. The premise? An Asian family of 20, moves into a conservative neighborhood and hilarity ensues. Don't invite the Bukkakes over for diner because they'll keep coming and coming and coming. Stars Jet Li, John Goodman, and the ghost of Pat Morita.

Prediction: After a while all the episodes start to look the same. Don't know if this show has longevity.

Thursdays @ (8:00 PM)

Thank God they didn't make shit like this when I was kid #1

The Zaky Infant Pillow

will simulate your touch to soothe your child into rest, provided the baby is accustomed to being palmed by disembodied sausage-fingers.

They are weighted to remain firmly positioned, which is useful to parents who don't want to baby's first memory to be "The time mommy's massive foreman hands mercilessly pinned me down"





Baby Sky-Hooks

This is a dangerous idea. Not because it looks unstable or poorly constructed, but because its utility is too seductive.

Once the parent realizes how freeing this is, it will never stop with bathroom breaks. Want to vacuum? Slap that squirming bundle of modern art up on a closet door for a few minutes! Not enough room for the groceries and the child safety seat in the car? Use those hooks on the bumper and make an impromptu side car!





Swimming Neck Ring

This product, previously named My First Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation Trainer , appears to be primarily designed to protect the baby's head in the event of shark attack.

The shirt says it all

Tales from the road (part 28)

Private sector finished their three night stand in Bath amidst a massive brawl that broke out towards the end of the evening while the band performed their song "In Love With a Stranger".

Despite the fisticuffs involving some 84 people, 18 of which were later charged by police, the band maintained their composure finishing their set. Surprisingly no one was seriously injured in the melee.

The band continues their tour Thursday with a show near Stonehenge.

Send in the clones

Boo action trading cards: Pottahawk series #87

Boo knows cloning.

Tales from the road (part 29)

One day after Private Sector unveiled a new stage configuration for the European leg of their tour, the band abandoned the new aesthetics. Gone were the flags that had caused so many problems the night before and although the light rigs remained, Sector returned to a more traditional form of theatrics.

with the band not constantly gazing skyward in fear of being struck by falling debris, it was a much more relaxed and well paced show.

The band wraps up the three night stand in Bath tomorrow.

Starting the week as it ended

You didn't think you were going to get off that easy did you?

Last week I posted surveys involving what women and men thought semen tasted like.

Today it is only fair we explore the taste of the vagina....yum....and what both genders describe is the taste of that magical love juice, oozin'cooze, the broth, potpourri, Unga-unga, honey of the Goddess.

Ladies first:


3. Females describe vaginal secretions:

"A mixture of citrus and MSG."
"Soy sauce, the light Kikkoman."
"Indescribable."
"It didn't have much flavor, but the sensation inside the mouth was what I remember most. It was a very warm, comforting feeling."
"Like semen, the taste ranges. Sometimes the taste is very clean -- in fact almost tasteless -- but it can also taste kind of like a penny late in the cycle or when I've been smoking or drinking too much."
"Kind of sweet and sweaty."
"Sweet, not like anything I've ever tasted."
"Around the clitoris, it tastes like sweet tarts. In the vaginal canal, it tastes kind of like an artichoke tuna salad."
"I've only tasted my own which I've been told is quite tasty. Again, it is hard to say what it tastes like, but it could be described as spicy. The taste varies during the month also."

4. Males describe vaginal secretions: ...cause we're like, so smart.

"Lemony."
"Like the ocean."
"Cheerios."
"Have you ever put your tongue on the end of a battery? Like an alkaline battery."
"Like electricity, when you put a pop top from a soda can between your braces."
"Tangy."
"Like semen (salty), but better. Zesty."
"Tastes like glass."
"Whipped bananas and ginger ale."
"Similar to licking a non-bleeding wound. Sort of a salty, musty, yet sweet taste. It varies."
"Honestly I don't remember the taste. The smell was all I could think about."
"A little fishy in taste, but that could be related to the smell."
"Depending on the woman and the time of the month, there can be a slight non-salty blood taste or a tangy battery taste."
"Bitter."
"While performing oral sex on a college girlfriend, a few drops of a tepid, vaginal secretion were produced during her orgasm. When I tasted this fluid, I had the unusual sensation of eating a taco. That's right! It was salty and tasted just like the combined flavors of fried hamburger meat, cheese, corn shell, and El Paso taco sauce! I'll always have some very fond memories whenever I eat Mexican."

"Vaginal fluids are tangy, and syrupy, at least the ones I've come across. (!) If I haven't tasted and she hasn't BEEN tasted in a while, the fluids are especially tangy, but they always have a wonderful sweet smell. Kind of paradoxical, tangy-tasting and sweet-smelling, but that's part of why it's so much fun."

"It's not so much a taste, it's a smell. Kind of like a musty armpit but not really as offensive. Actually it might taste like a musty armpit too, I'll have to check it and get back to you."

Pottahawk valuable chickage #7

"Pick up the pace! We need to lose the grumpy chick."



Where's the Frolic Police when you need them?



"You're right. My breasts do smell like cheese."


Boo action trading cards: Pottahawk Series #37
Boo knows when not to cross the line.


"Don't come one step closer Mister!"



"Do you know where we can find Johnny Wad?"
"Yeah, he's somewhere in the next Strangedaze post."

Where's Johnny Wad #3

Tales from the road (part 28)

Private Sector has landed for the British portion of their "Two in the Pink, One in the Stink Tour". They opened a three night stand in Bath- birth place of Sector's guitarist Stu Green.

They also took the opportunity to unveil a new stage set-up consisting of newly configured light rigs and an array of flags. With any new elements it may take time to work out the kinks as all last night, flags were shook loose from the vibrations and descended to the stage.

I'm guessing, from the onstage swearing, it wasn't part of the show, as several of the standards rained down on Sector drummer Brian Christopher during crucial points in the performance.

Sector also began to speed up the songs as the night progressed, while they kept one eye overhead and finished the two-hour set in 45 minutes. There was no encore.

Carp-pet cleaners

Fish pedicures are creating something of a splash in the D.C. area, where a northern Virginia spa has been offering them for the past four months. John Ho, who runs the Yvonne Hair and Nails salon with his wife, Yvonne Le, said 5,000 people have taken the plunge so far.

“This is a good treatment for everyone who likes to have nice feet,” Ho said.

And I want a scrotum that's less wrinkled but you don't see me dropping my balls into a fish tank......OK, there was that one time........at band camp.

He said he wanted to come up with something unique while finding a replacement for pedicures that use razors to scrape off dead skin.

Ho was skeptical at first about the fish, which are called garra rufa but typically known as doctor fish. They were first used in Turkey and have become popular in some Asian countries.

Usually with chips.



Curly, Larry, Mow

A Milwaukee man was accused of shooting his lawn mower because it wouldn't start. Keith Walendowski, 56, was charged with felony possession of a short-barreled shotgun or rifle and misdemeanor disorderly conduct while armed.

Please, don't tell me it was an old-fashion push-mower.

According to the criminal complaint, Walendowski said he was angry because his Lawn Boy wouldn't start Wednesday morning. He told police quote, "I can do that, it's my lawn mower and my yard so I can shoot it if I want."

A woman who lives at Walendowski's house reported the incident. She said he was intoxicated.

I thought everyone mowed their lawn drunk?

Walendowski could face up to an $11,000 fine and six years and three months in prison if convicted.

He better tell his inmates he killed the Lawn Boy and leave it at that.


Hot sausage

(AP) Two practical jokers are behind bars for setting their passed-out drinking buddy's crotch ablaze while boozing in Grover Beach. Matthew Craig Pillers and Jack Brent Nicholas Keiffer pleaded no contest to a felony great bodily injury charge.

Prosecutors say the 22-year-old Pillers, a parolee, was sentenced to two years in prison and the 19-year-old Keiffer got 45 days in San Luis Obispo County jail.

Elliot Tuleja was passed out when the men poured cologne on the man's groin and set him on fire on Jan. 18. Tuleja had second-degree burns on his testicles.

What happened to the good old days when you just shaved your passed out friend's testicles and then beat them with a hammer? What's this world coming to?


Clause-trophobic

(AP) It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas in a Danish amusement park where Santa Clauses from around the world are gathering for their annual three-day congress.

Hey, if Elvis can do it in Collingwood...to each his own.

Now in it's 51st year, the World Santa Claus Congress starting Monday brings together 136 red-clad delegates, mostly from Scandinavia but also as far away as Russia, Japan and the United States.

Japanese Santas? The people who gave us the "Poop Museum"?

The activities on the program include a bicycle parade, Hula Hoop dancing and a dip in the Copenhagen harbor.

OK, now that's too much information......next up: the 47th Annual World Satan Congress.


Don't worry, bee happy

(AP) Drivers on the New Jersey Turnpike have to cope every day with traffic jams, pollution and even the occasional deer.

They ran into a new obstacle Saturday as thousands of honeybees swarmed around their vehicles.

Here for your viewing pleasure is special reporter Nicolas Cage to describe the event in detail.



cross-posted on Mitchieville

Johnny Wad or Boo who

Who can you find first?