Blogarreha

As we bid farewell to 2005 I'd like to leave you with a few of my personal favorite pics from the past 12 months and what was my 1st post on this blasted gizmo. It was almost a year ago when I still had no idea what I was getting myself in to.

1) Pottahawk: The picture says it all.
2) Jerry Casby defeated in Mayoral re-election bid.
3) The Mayor in socks and sandals is one thing, but the Mayor in Hobbit feet.....priceless.
4) Fat Elvis camel toe? It doesn't get any better.
5) Self portrait.


Who am I? (Jan. 5th 2005)

I don’t know for sure. I am constantly evolving. Trying new things. Stuff that terrifies , yet entices me. Blogs for instance. But...the hard facts. Incessant teen trapped in a middle aged body. Off work for the winter so I must write, write, write. Sexual thoughts every 4.6 seconds. An aspiring author when the erotic thoughts don’t intervene. I have great friends which I guess makes me one too.

Physically, I have all my own teeth, as can be witnessed through smile or scowl. I still posses all my own dark hair, but now with a touch of gray and receding slightly. I’m tall and not hard to look at, yet I’ve always been slightly overweight, fighting that lightbulb profile in an ongoing battle in the wasteland.

I’m easy going, yet with a vicious temper if the right buttons are pushed. Humorous, yet moody. Well-intentioned, but versed in the talents of firmly lodging my foot in my mouth. Reliable and loyal, unless betrayed. A dreamer, but a realist. A good worker, who also knows the value of taking it easy. I’m a nail biter and a low talker, who will flip his underwear on occasion to get an extra day before doing laundry.

Basically I’m not an over-achiever. I’m just the average guy. A point that is more disappointing to me, than those around me. That pretty much sums it up.

Happy Anniversary...Happy Anniversary...Happy, Happy, Happy....etc.

Technically it’s tomorrow that the Mayor’s Blog in Mitchieville celebrates the first year of existence, but what the hell.

Sorry about the cake Mayor. It was all they had. It was a busy week for kid's parties and they were all out of the tits and ass cakes. It was either this or My Little Pony and I know you are still suffering the shell shock of the "My Little Pony 2001 incident."

I’m looking forward to another year of the outrageous and the asinine in Mitchieville. Cheers for 2006 my brother.

Best links ever

I've been sifting through the archives of my Blog trying to pick out favorite links, articles, pictures and such for 2005.

The following links have to be the best, hands down.

Coloring book
So your parents are dead
Rock-it-man duet
Haloleon Dynamite

Don’t cheat yourself from letting the milk squirt out your nose. Go and check them out.

and the Lord said, let there be shameless self-promotion.

This year I finished my third book....you didn’t think I was going to do this review without discussing my shameless self promotion did ya?....

Over the past year I have posted many excerpts not only from my new manuscript, Handmade Heart, but past novels, The Limits of Respectability, and Center of the Universe, as well.

I have always tried to treat this blog with the same tongue-in-ass approach as I do when I write. All this means is, you’ll either be disgusted by my work, or laugh while you're being disgusted by my work. It's that simple.

I O U 1

Ok, so I didn’t blog yesterday. Too much turkey if you really must know. But I’m here today and promise to post twice tomorrow.

This week I planned on reliving some of my favorite blogs from 2005. Now I realize the Mayor is doing something similar. I’m not trying to plagiarize the wee bastard, it’s just that.....well...not many people know this but, the Mayor and I shared a brain at birth. That’s right we were conjoined until a successful operation allowed us to live independent lives with our half brains.

I guess this probably explains a lot, given the nature of some of our posts over the past year. One just has to explore these next links to see what not having all your gray matter does to you. They were links featured on both our sites btw.

Lamour
Real life vs the internet (could have been on Chuck Norris Monday)
Rejected

It was the best of blogs, it was the worst of blogs

How many people got punched in the gut today fighting over marked down merchandise?...... was it just me?

Any hoo....say goodbye to Christmas. It's history. Let's turn our attention to the New Year shall we, and more specifically the year ending. I thought it would be fun to rehash some of the Strangedaze blogs of the past 12 months. Don't worry, there will be no Blog wars, which had to be the worst idea ever. See. I didn't even link it. Yes, it was that stupid.

I would also like to give you an idea of what I have in store for the near future. In the new Year I will be doing something I like to call Chuck Norris Mondays, where two things face off against one another with one ultimate winner.

Here, I'll give you an example using some exellent links from 2005.

Cat vs Car
Squirrel vs Launcher

Post Xmas

Hudled in the bunker in Bahrain. From all of us here at Strangedaze, which is basically just me, have an excellent holiday and thank you for your patronage.

It came tampon a midnight clear

Ok....you've finally finished your Christmas shopping. You've braved the elements, the crazy drivers, the non-existent parking, the elbows of frantic last minute patrons like yourself, the howling infants strapped into their strollers wrapped in straight-jacket snow suits like tiny Hannibal Lectors...but you're done...you're home. Nothing to do but relax and wait til morning and the three minutes of insanity as everyone rips the gifts to shreds.

Then you notice you've been so busy fighting the masses for those last minute deals , you haven't even started to decorate your household. In fact, all the Christmas shit is still in the shed under four feet of snow. What the hell do you do?

You can't dig it out, you have no energy. You can't go back out to the malls even if you wanted to because they're closed. DON'T PANIC!

Go here, for some ideas on how you can save the day with ordinary items. Unfortunately after that link I have no more advice. You are on your own. You see, I finished my shopping and decorating weeks ago. Sucker!

Merry Christmas.

You hate me...You really, really hate me

The following was a card I received just in time for the holidays. It's a good thing too. If it had been late, I would have been really pissed.


Death to all western pigs and a Merry Christmas/Happy Chanukah to all.

Season’s Greetings from Al Qaeda

It's a wonderful life....sort of.

Looking for the perfect modern Christmas story to read to the kiddies on the eve of the 24th? This might suffice.

On the 10th day of wanking my true love gave to me...

It's that time of the year again. Time to jingle those balls. Go here and masturbate for peace. It's a good cause.

Spinning 360

Oh, the Xbox, (from the Daily Show).

Nothing says Christmas more than getting one of those babies, popping in a game, raping a hooker and dismembering her mangled corpse. Yup....Peace on earth brother.

Rap patrol

I’m taking it easy this week. Those of you who saw yesterday’s post may feel that I actually started Sunday or Saturday.

No...officially...I’m doing the Christmas vacation blog week starting today, which is to say, It’ll be mostly links. Entertaining yes...but links never-the-less.

Today for instance is a link to a sketch from SNL that I’m still giggling over. If you didn’t see this rap on Saturday, you have to check it out. Now that’s some funny shit.

Walking on thin mice

You’ve been invited to a lame ass, pot-luck party. You don’t want to go but you’ve already said you would. What do you do? You have to go.

The days of using sudden deaths of distant relatives, severed limbs, and aggravated goiters no longer work. People see right through that. As soon as you’re hanging up the phone in a sigh of relief, the person on the other end is telling their significant other what a dead-beat fuck you are. You have to go.

But I can save you the pain of attending further functions at residences like this. All you need to do is take a couple bags of potato chips, a three cheese dip, and a bag of kiwi mice. That’s right. They won’t be calling you for their next holiday gala.

A Christmas Gory

I just love this time of year, mainly for the Christmas movies. I love the poignance, the laughter, the singing. Movies like A Christmas Story and National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.

But I also love the death and destruction of such classic Yule tide fare as Black Christmas and Silent Night Deadly Night. Imagine my mirth when I found someone finally created a bastard offspring of the two. Now I can have my bloodlust while feeling all fuzzy and warm about it.

Merry Christmas! Now, fuck off!

In the past weeks I’ve counseled you on last minute gift ideas for the holiday season. However, one important feature I forgot to mention is, although Christmas is a time of giving to the ones you love, it can also be a time of dumping the dead-beat family and friends on your list.

It is a great opportunity to buy those people something truly awful. A gift given in all seriousness and sincerity but you know if they never get another thing from you again they’ll be happier for it.

Of course you can’t just go wrapping a big Ol’ bag of shit and boast how you saw it in a store’s display case and it made you think of them. You have to be sneaky. It has to be something where you can say, you searched and searched for just the right present.

I believe the next item could suffice and you can probaly save some coin if you purchase them by the dozen.

I give you the Clown cactus pot.

Bonus tip: If you don't want those relative slobs coming over again for Christmas dinner.--- When you're finished your meal, make a joke about your new dish-washer. --- Put dirty dishes on the floor for the dog to lick up.--- When he's done, put the plates dirrectly back into the cupboard.--- Make sure your guests witness these actions......You may have to buy a dog first.

No man's land

Yesterday I gave you advice on what NOT to get your girl for Christmas. Today it's the Worst Gifts for Men, so listen up ladies.

1. Clothes for a better version of him.

Hey you want to dress up your Scottish Terrier in a little pink sweater and hat? Fine! But we’re men not frickin’ pets. I love my old clothes and enjoy parading around like the Ghost of Christmas Past. I’ve got closets full of shit I’ll never wear or be able to re-gift.

2. The saccharine stuff.

While women always enjoy the lovey-dovey, men are often scared off by syrupy tokens, not to mention feel totally awkward about how to say "thanks" gracefully. Keep that in mind as you’re shopping. No doubt you will encounter ferociously cute teddy bears, a mix CD of love songs that’ll make your heart stir, and flannel pj’s with a really cute heart pattern... but think of how your man will feel unwrapping a gift like that.

Je-sus I’m an author and even I won’t read "The Bridges of Madison County".

3. Kitchen and bath bric-a-brac.

Even if your guy’s life is conspicuously missing a toaster oven, a hamper or a spice rack, unless you find one with 38 electronic widgets to distract him from the domesticity of your gift, skip this idea. It’s more like something his sensible mother would send him, and many guys can feel territorial about changes you’re indirectly making to their homes.

Oh yeah and the reason my toaster oven is missing is because it ended up in the tub while my ex-girlfriend was taking a bath.

4. Elaborate handmade gifts.

While a gift you make can mean much more than anything store-bought, guys often get uncomfortable and feel obligated if you give them something you’ve truly toiled over. You also want to go easy on the handcrafted gifts that celebrate your union. A tray decoupaged with photos of the two of you is a bit much for anyone but a husband to handle.

Mainly because the poor bastard no longer has a choice.

5. Self-help anything.

Men don’t want you to change them; they want you to love them especially when the love is accompanied by vast quantities of sex. But sometimes women can’t resist helping a guy reach one of his long-term goals. A copy of "What Color is Your Parachute?", is not going to be received with great anticipation.

The same goes for any self-improvement-type gifts that he hasn’t explicitly, repeatedly mentioned wanting, whether it’s a gym membership, a gift certificate for a facial, a nose-hair trimmer (even though the guys on Queer Eye swear by them) or a Rogaine sample.

I have underwear with holes in it from 1999 for cryin’ out loud. You think you're going to change me from wearing them? Besides, we’re already perfect. Don’t you know that by now?

Bonus tip: Unlike women, men actually enjoy getting small appliances. Or even large ones. Except something that needs batteries, vibrates, and looks like a telefunken u47 should be skipped. Anything with the letters LCD HD is always a nice thought.

The do-do of women's don'ts

Guys, I understand women can be difficult to buy for....ok...impossible to buy for, but as long as you remember the following don'ts, you should be all right and even make it through Christmas with your testicles in tact.

The worst women's gifts:

1. Anything she needs instead of wants.

Just because she needs new running shoes, hand lotion, or a frying pan, or tires for her car, isn’t your invitation to replace it. They may think it's sweet that you were listening, but that said, women never swoon over practical gifts.

"I always complained that I never had enough quarters for the laundromat," says Kristine Janik of New York City. "Then my boyfriend gave me $40 in quarters, which was really odd."

I wonder if she put them in a sock and then proceeded to beat the hell out of him?

2. Awful flowers.

Especially plastic or a table arrangement—round, with holly and glittery branches sticking out of it and a wooden church scene stuck on top, accompanied by a card that says: 'My love for you is everlasting, just like these flowers!’

Appropriate for your grandmother’s foyer, not so for the woman who decides if she'll suck your dick or not.

3. Sports paraphernalia.

Of course this rule applies to everyone except my girl D. She's a N.O. Saints fan, what more can I say?

4. A card that you’ve signed in front of her.

And if you have to ask her how to spell her name while you're doing it, I guess you should find somewhere else to spend Christmas.

5. A 3-way unless she specifically asks for it.

I won't make that mistake again.

From Crips to the crypt

Convicted killer Stanley Tookie Williams, the Crips gang co-founder whose case stirred a national debate about capital punishment versus the possibility of redemption, was executed early Tuesday.

Although Monday, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger' denied Williams' request for clemency, suggesting that his supposed change of heart was not genuine because he had not shown any real remorse, he did make a last minute call before the lethal injection.

It just so happens that I have access to those transcripts, but it's up to you to use your best Arnold voice.

San Quentin State Prison Official: Hello.

Gov. Arnold: It’s de Governor. Hold de injections, and de restraints, and de crying, and all tings like dat der. Put the prisonator on de phones. Now!

SQSPO: *covering the mouthpeice with hand* Stop the procedure. It’s Arnold. He wants to speak to Williams.

Williams: Hello....Governor Schwarzenegger?

Gov. Arnold: Is dis de prisonator to whom I am speaking to on de phone?

Williams: Yes Governor Schwarzenegger it is.

Gov. Arnold: Remember when I said I’d kill you last?.....I lied. Merry Christmas and all tings like dat der.

Full story here.

Shirting the issue

I’ve been doing the last minute shopping ideas for Christmas. But some of you may have issues, saying, "What about Kwanza and what about Chanukah you insensitive bastard."

Relax, I’ve got you covered no matter what the fuck you celebrate. I’ll hook a brother up, no problem. Go to this link. They have T-shirts for all the holidays.