Wood revisited

The Plank

Another one for guys who point straight out or slightly down. Stand a foot or two away from the toilet and lean forward, supporting your weight by putting your hands on the wall above the toilet. Take aim and hold your body rigid. This position also strengthens your abs and core muscles.




The Girly Man

Sometimes you just have to suck it up and sit down to pee. Sit on the john with your legs apart and lean forward so your penis points down into the bowl. You may have to press down on your erection slightly to make sure you don't pee out and down the front of the bowl. And no, sitting down doesn’t make you any less manly, especially if there are extenuating circumstances. What? You say it’s so long you can’t keep it from dragging in the water? Oh, alright then.

You kid's toys are on drugs #9

A lazy dog-dangling Saturday

It's the weekend, the work week has ended and you just want to relax.....or maybe not?

Famous dudes I almost know (part 4)

The Junos are this weekend for those who give a rat's ass.

Show of hands!!!!....that's two people who give a rat's ass.

The show will once again be hosted by comedian Russell Peters. What some of you may not know is Russell and I were almost best buds.

That's right. I could have been flying to Europe to catch him on tour, been giving him suggestions on new material, help him hide the dead hooker in the trunk of his car....oooooppps I've said too much.

But, alas it was not to be, those many years ago when we both attended my best friend Orson's Stag.

Damn it! I shouldn't have kept out bidding him on strippers.

Use the force nuke

It's Friday and I, more than most people, understand that you just want to blow shit up. Now's your chance.

Go here. Select a target using Google Maps....oh I don't know.....say Toronto.

Choose your method of obliteration....perhaps an asteroid?

Scream out, "Take that McGinty! How do you like harmonizing the tax system now?!?!"

Press Nuke it and imagine as millions of voices cry out in terror then are suddenly silenced.

Although, you have to use your own sound effects

Holly wood, if she had one.

Dealing with morning wood when you have to evacuate your bladder can be quite a task, so here is the second in a series dealing with the serious problem of, "How do you not pee all over yourself?"

The Lunge



If your morning wood slopes at a downward angle, consider yourself blessed. All you need to do is lunge forward so your stream of urine angles into the toilet. This prevents you from overshooting the bowl. Toward the end, as your stream gets weaker, you can deepen the lunge to avoid dribbling on the floor.


The Downward Dog



This position will work for just about anybody, but it is a little difficult to get into, and – if someone walks in on you – potentially kind of embarrassing. Stand facing away from the toilet, with a foot on either side of the bowl. Bend forward at the waist until you’re touching the floor (or the opposing wall, or the tub, depending on your bathroom layout). Adjust your stance so your junk is well inside the bowl - you don't want the pee to run down your front. If you get caught, claim that you like to wake up with a morning yoga workout.

Note: This position may encourage you to take better aim in general, since it will bring you face-to-face with the residue of near-misses and splatters that coat the floor and outer bowl surface.

You kid's toys are on drugs #8

Monday wood

Every morning men wake up to this catch-22: you desperately have to pee, but you have an erection, which makes it hard to urinate, but the hard-on won't go away until you empty your bladder. It's almost impossible to aim at the toilet when your penis is pointing the wrong way, so you end up peeing on the wall, the floor, or yourself.

You may have developed your own technique for dealing with this catch-22, but if not, here are some methods to take care of the aiming part, customized for the angle of your dangle.

The Flying Wallenda




If your erection angles up acutely, pointing at the ceiling, you’re out of luck. Your best bet is to install a trapeze over your toilet so you can hang upside down and let gravity do the rest. Warning: Attempting this maneuver using the shower curtain rod may result in head injury


The Strong Arm





This is the brute force method. If your penis points straight out or up, you may have to bend it to your will. Grasp the shaft or press down on the top gently but firmly so your boner bends downward, pointing toward the bowl. Keep the pressure on and don’t let it slip, or you may end up spraying the wall or squirting yourself in the face. Note: In some cases this won’t work because bending constricts the flow of urine too much. If your erection is too hard, don’t force it down – you could break something, seriously.

to be continued

You kid's toys are on drugs #7

Even more B.J. tips for don't spit-swallow

I barely tried swallowing because of one bad taste experience, but now I always have a glass with Coca Cola ready. After swallowing I drink some cola and it really helps getting rid of the aftertaste. - Joyce, Holland

I like to throw my head back as though I'm drinking a shot. - TD, Maryland

Blokes, swallow some yourself one day, that way you are showing that there really is nothing wrong with it. She may find it wrong to swallow but (let's face it) most guys are very uncomfortable with this taboo. She'll feel a little silly for wondering why she never did it. - M., London

If you deep throat you can barely taste it, not that it tastes bad. I rather enjoy the satisfaction of a job well done. - Anonymous, U. S.

Just close you eyes and swallow fast like your taking meds. - Anonymous, U.S.

Ten seconds of yuck doesn't equal ten minutes. Remember, men usually are up to their eyelashes in a woman's juices - so women shouldn't complain about a teaspoon! - Anonymous, Canada

Swallowing my man's cum has never been an issue with me. It's something I've always enjoyed. He inserts his penis inside my mouth and puts it all the way in and then moves back and forth until he explodes in my mouth. I sometimes spit it into a glass and then drink it down. Sometimes I put his cum in my coffee cup; it's better than cream. I would never spit my man's cum out. That would be totally wrong and would make your man think you didn't like it. The taste of cum is a bit different. However, it's not as hard to take as you think and if you really have a problem with the taste there's always mouthwash. - Amy, U. S.

If you don't like to swallow, just ask your boyfriend if it's OK if you have a drink next to the bed. You can come up with an excuse like, "Giving blowjobs makes my mouth dry," or just say you like to have a drink afterwards. You could also tell him the truth, but you'll never know how he's gonna take it (it might be insulting). When you have just swallowed, give him a smile and wait a few seconds before reaching over to your drink to get the sperm-taste out of your mouth. Hardly any man will notice. - Anonymous, Holland

I always found whenever I was receiving a blow job, my 'muff' got in the way, but I never thought anything of it until I was giving the nickname Muffy, my actual name being Murphy. I found that if I give myself a little trim down there, it appears to increase the size of your organ. And if your lover does swallow, she won't choke on anything. My girlfriend liked it a lot more as well. - Muffy, England

Just get his dick far down your throat when he cums! It's brilliant because you miss the taste (if you do not like it - I personally do), and it goes straight down your throat. Plus the boy will really like it. - Minerva, U. K.

But this one goes to eleven

The 11 most unnecessary how-to guides on the internet.

Numbers that go to 10

The 10 funniest Onion News Network videos.

The top 10 dudes with ponytails.

10 classic cons.

10 awesome ads that traumatize children.

You kid's toys are on drugs #6

Yummy Bukkake goodness

We haven't looked in on our Japanese friends in a while. Let's see what they're up to......

Watch Bukkake Milk on CollegeHumor

Links....that's an Irish thing isn't it?

Here are some things you'll need to know today.

How to make green beer Leprechaun style.

A variety of St. Pat's Day drinks.

And finally, the anatomy of a hangover.

Enjoy.

If things weren't bad enough already

I didn't get a chance to comment on T.O. coming to Buffalo last week, so I'll take the opportunity now, or better yet, I'll let Hitler do it.

This is for you GIGC.

You kid's toys are on drugs #5

Masturbate for peace #5

Masturbate for peace #4

Masturbate for peace #3

It wouldn't be sex week without....

More swallowing tips for the BJ connoisseur. Although this being hump day....oh never mind.

I find that it's not the taste of cum that bothers me, it's the consistency. Therefore, I get my man to drink fruit juice a couple of hours beforehand, and I take a deep breath as he's about to cum and take him as far down my throat as I can. That way there's no icky feeling on my lips. - Anonymous, England

Just swallow it and as soon as you're done, eat an apple and the taste goes right away - or eat an apple just before you blow him! - Anonymous, California

Have your partner eat something sweet beforehand. Onions are very unpleasant. - Anonymous, Houston

It was never amount or taste of semen that bothered me when giving my fiancé head. Both of those can be managed accordingly. The biggest aversion to swallowing I have is the unpleasant gastrointestinal effects afterward. ;) We always kept a bottle of Pepto Bismol next to the bed. Not exactly romantic, but better than spending the entire morning in the water closet. - Megan, Florida

When my man comes in my mouth I always swallow. My technique is simple: I have my man put his cock inside my mouth as far as possible and give him a nice head job until his cock swells up and he can't hold it anymore and he comes in my mouth. There is no pulling his cock out when he starts to come because I want it all, every last drop of cum. After he pulls his hard cock out of my mouth, I show him his cum in my mouth before I swallow it. Sometimes I will spit it in my hand and then lick it off my hand, or spit it into my coffee cup - makes my coffee taste 100 percent better. One more thing, too - instead of jam or butter, I spread cum on my toast - delicious and no calories! - JJ, U. S.

I find it easier to swallow if I give the blowjob upside down. (Head hanging over the side of the bed, or if you have gravity boots, these are ideal.) This makes it just slide right down your throat with no thought required. - Laura, Charleston

Diet is the answer. A few years ago, when I was smoking and drinking like hell, it was easy to guess how it tasted from the expression of my partners. I quit smoking, drink lot less, do sports, eat huge amounts of protein and healthy stuff. I happened to taste my cum (it was an accident, folks) and man, I'm happy for the women who taste it - they won't crave candy anymore. - James, L. A.

When you feel your man about to come (usually tightening up or a moan or grunt) put his cock to the back of your throat so you don’t need to taste or feel the texture of the cum. - Jackie, N. Y.

I have heard if you eat celery it makes your cum taste good. - Shawn, Massachusetts
Swallowing cum is mostly psychological. The thought that cum is an excrement tends to make it seem dirty or unhealthy. Just remember this as you taste cum - it is the purest of pure. It has to be to make little babies. Also, guys need to remember to keep their cocks and crotches clean. Just like a pussy that's been well fucked over a period of time, if the cock isn't kept clean, it will smell unenticing. - Doug, U. S.

Masturbate for peace #2

Sex by the numbers

20 great sex quotes.

15 phallic gadgets that aren't sex toys.

6 strange objects people have been caught having sex with.

It's a good old fashion, tribute to sex, week

And what better way to kick it off than with a pop-up book of all your favorite sexual positions....

Masturbate for peace #1

You kid's toys are on drugs #4

Need a lift?

It's stupid I know, but I laughed like hell.

Pants Wars

If only George Lucas had the foresight to insert the word pants into key lines of dialogue, Star Wars would have been a much funnier series of films.

I find your lack of pants disturbing.
Chewie and me got into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
The Force is strong in my pants.
You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought.
In his pants you will find a new definition of pain and suffering
Governer Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's pants.
Pull up! All pants pull up!
A disturbance in the pants. I have not felt this since near my old master...
I sense the conflict within you. Let go of your pants!
He has no time for smugglers who drop their pants first sign of Imperials
That blast came from the pants! That thing's operational!
Alderan is peaceful, we have no pants!
I've just made a deal that will keep the Empire out of our pants forever
The pants will be down in moments, sir, you can begin your landing
These aren't the pants you're looking for.
Looks like someone's beginning to take an interest in your pants.
Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your pants.
I am altering the pants. Pray that I don't alter them any further
Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
Search your pants, you know it to be true.
Tell that to Jabba. If you're lucky he might only take your pants.
I'm not in this for your revolution, I'm in it for the pants
"Great pants kid! Don't get cocky!"

You kid's toys are on drugs #3

Again with the BJ tips

If you try to deep throat and are having a problem, use Chloraseptic mouth spray. It will numb your throat. I use it and can deep throat 7 inches without any problem. Also, swallow as soon as the load hits your mouth. You'll taste very little that way. - Bobbie Jo, Kentucky

The day before and day of an anticipated BJ, do the following: Drink plenty of water. Use a lot of nonsugar sweeteners such as stevia, Splenda, or others. They are usually more concentrated than sugar, and will not be intercepted by insulin in your bloodstream. Avoid saccharin, Nutrasweet and other artificial products, as these may be bad for your health. Add seasonings like vanilla extract, cinnamon, and fruit extracts to foods and drinks whenever possible. Make blender drinks with fresh or frozen fruit, adding the sweeteners and flavorings mentioned above. Take supplements like chlorophyll and enteric-coated peppermint. Avoid fish, beer, milk, cigarettes, red meat, garlic, onions, asparagus, and cabbage. Thank your girl for making you feel so good! - Anonymous, U. S.

I read in my man's Playboy about giving BJs and learned this trick. It really helps. If you make a fist when he is about to blow and place it between his balls and his asshole, it really cuts down on "the load" that has to be swallowed. - Anonymous, U. S.

I tell my partner to let me know when he's ready to cum, and just as he's ready to shoot, I take him all the way down. This way he cums in my throat but it's easy to swallow when he takes his Viagra and shoots it deep. It takes a little practice but when you get it right you will love the way it feels when his semen floods your throat. And of course, there's very little mess left over. Your man will do just about anything for you after you deep throat his load. - Anonymous, Canada

Drink orange juice before a blowjob...that way the taste is bearable...and tasty!!! - Anonymous, U. S.

I like to have an average or smaller cock that fits in my mouth perfectly and just put it in the back of my mouth when he cums. That way it completely skips my taste buds, and I can still feel the pulsations (which I love) and the way it feels to drink it. - Jared, L. A.

If you put something in your mouth and then swallow, it will make it taste a little, but ooh baby, it's worth it!! I was giving this guy head and he came in my mouth. I had a piece of strawberry gum in my mouth and I could barely taste it. If you deep throat, that works too! - Anonymous, Michigan

Make him cum more often so the loads won't be as big. Henceforth, a smaller load to swallow. - Anonymous, Nashville

Three words... Semenex, Semenex, Semenex !!! - Sean, Arizona

We tried the smoothie (3 times over 1 day) and the blow job was delicious! It's now part of the routine and it seemingly gets better and richer. With a shot of whipped cream it's a healthy dessert! - Brian, Michigan

Marching by the numbers

20 brilliant TV show title sequences.

6 dream jobs that would actually suck.

The 10 most frighning pictures of Carrot Top. They're all the most frightning if you ask me.

You kid's toys are on drugs #2

Black humor for a blue Monday

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.

Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

You kid's toys are on drugs

As if one Mickey wasn't enough

Today is National Do-over Day.

Since at the moment I can't figure out what it is that I'd like to do-over, I'm simply going to do-over yesterday's post.



Wow! How lazy was that......

A Mickey fin, ok make that six minutes

I meant to post this on Monday, but what the heh....

Just to show you the type of speech you missed by not seeing the Best Actor Oscar go to Micky Rourke.



Who's sorry now Academy........

Mossy cottage

Many days I've said to myself. "Self, I wish I had a place i could go when I needed another word for vagina."

If you've been faced with the same dilemma, worry no more my friends. The information you seek is right here at, Ineedanotherwordforvagina.com

Black humor for a blue Monday

In honour of Slumdog Millionaire here is your Monday joke:

A guy says to his wife: "Darling, what would you do if I said I've won the lottery?"

Wife replies: "I'd take half then leave you."

Guy says: "Excellent! I had three numbers and won Ten Dollars. Here's five...now fuck-off!


This giggle brought to you courtesy of Dickie Sanchez. That is all.

Milking it for all it's worth

Sean Penn is a talented actor- please excuse Shanghai Surprise or whatever it was called. Sean Penn is a talented writer, director, producer - anyone see Into the Wild?

Yet, for some reason, the Academy hates Sean Penn.

Is it because they can't see giving an Oscar to a dude who played the dim witted stoner Jeff Spicoli in Fast Times at Ridgemount High? No that can't be it. They gave a few to Tom Hanks and he was in Bosom Buddies and Turner and Hooch.

Is it because they like Clint Eastwood better? But Clint was snubbed this year for Gran Torino and the Changeling, Penn at least got an actor nod and won the Best Actor Oscar for his roll in Clint's MR.

Is it because he went full-retard in I Am Sam? Perhaps the Academy thought he was making fun of them after dolling out awards to Hanks for Forrest Gump and Hoffman for Rain Man?

All I know is, Penn has done a decent portrayal of Harvey Milk the first openly gay politician elected to office, but I feel the warm fuzzy hate between him and the Academy will get a little deeper and we'll all find Oscar is lactose intolerant.

The Oscars go tonight.

Nixon will finally be impeached

Nixon was a crook and resigned before he was impeached. Frost was the Ellen Degeneres of his day. History is replayed and it wouldn't seem that an interview involving the two would be that interesting, but it is. I believe only because, Frank Langella gives such a compelling portrayal of Nixon.

Really he should win best actor, but he won't. Micky Rourke's dog died this week and with a superb performance in the Wrestler, how can they not give it to the comeback kid?

However, I'm losing the frosting off my Nixon here and need to get back to it. Frost Nixon is a good little film, quite enjoyable....until Ron Howard does what Ron Howard always does and gives his brother a job. When Clint Howard hit the screen everyone around me ran for the exits.

No matter how many goatee's, hair pieces, prosthetic noses they put on this guy it's still thugly Clint Howard.

Lesson learned Ron. The next time you do a movie about two dudes in an interview, in fact any movie, leave nepotism out of it. Pleeeeese!

This dog has fleas

Everyone is calling for this film to piss with the big dogs of cinema and take home the Oscar. Although it's not my choice for winner take all, I'll let the water carry me down stream and say it will win. I guess you don't have to like the Academy's decision- remember The English patient?

The reason I feel this way? I guess it's because I heard so much buzz before I saw the film. My expectations were just too high.

Don't get me wrong, this movie is a feel good picture with hope, drama, romance, intrigue and a little kid covered in shit that makes a good picture....well good.

It's about a dude from the slums who ends up on India's version of, "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" and answers questions based on his life experience.

Yet, I can't shake the annoying voice in my head. The host of the show in the movie who says "Mil-on-air" for an hour-and-a-half. It grates on me like a hooker with steel wool between her legs- other than that my trip to Mexico was excellent.

But I assume that when the question to who won the Oscar for best film this year is asked, the answer will be Slumdog Millionaire.

Usually reading puts me to sleep

But then again, of the five nominated films up for the Oscar as best movie this year, this was the only one I didn't get to see. However, I did see the trailer and feel it's enough to give you my review on this work.

So....some dude is seeing his therapist and telling her of when he was a boy....not like the young/old Benjamin Button, or the old/young Benjamin Button for that matter....you know what I'm just going to drop the whole CC of BB altogether.

You get it, he's a teen and he has an affair with this chick who makes him read to her. Then all hell breaks loose, there's a trial and betrayal.....which kind of sounds like the French for trial except it isn't.

I'm pretty sure there's some lesbian sex, perhaps an Alien or two and some trans-gender morphing......you know what?

Maybe I should actually watch the movie and get back to you?

Push de button

So here it is, the first of the reviews of the five nominated films for best picture. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

Here we have a film where a dude is born as an old man as a baby....following so far?....and gets younger with each year until he turns into Brad Pitt who had a wonderful poignancy as an old baby dude but is just Brad Pitt when he's younger.

Subsequently there's Cate Blanchett who gets older in the film and turns into an old woman destroying all my sexual fantasies of the woman in the process.

And they do this in a movie so long it took two days to watch it all.

But I love David Fincher and his directorial style. Remember Fight Club? Remember Seven? Huh? Huh? Remember Aliens 3?.....OK maybe not Alien's 3, but it wasn't released as he initially intended so don't blame him. Blame those studio bastards!

And I don't blame him either for the Curious Case of the Old Woman and the Young Brad Pitt Dude. Although I'm not sure it has the legs to walk away with that old Oscar dude who doesn't age at all.

Movies by the numbers

Next Sunday is the Oscar telecast, so pretty much all this week, I'll be posting strictly in that vein......except today.

But, to get you in the mood here are some movie numbers to keep you occupied.

20 Baffling foreign movie posters.

The 10 worst movie edits for television.

The 50 best movie deaths.

Bonus Oscar link.

Black humour for a blue Monday

Two homeless men are standing around bragging about their day. The First hobo says "Today i found $20, and was able to buy a nice hot meal. It was my luckiest day ever!".
to which the second hobo replies: "oh yeah, my day was way better! I was at the train yard, and found a woman tied to the train tracks. After I untied her, we fucked all day"
"Did you get a blow job?"
"Naw, I couldnt find her head"

Famous dudes I almost know (part 3)

It's a funny story about Bill and I.....no wait....I can't tell that one. Let's just say it involves an internship and a cigar.

Oh, what could have been......yet, it was not I that met Bill last year, but my trusty cohort Bob Noxious on that sunny day in Miami.

I'll just have to be content on shaking the hand of the hand that shook the hand of the man. Which to me, is just as good because I know for a fact, Bob Noxious never washes his hands.

That's why I can also claim 2 degrees of separation to Rainn Wilson, Bob Denver (Gilligan)- before he died of course and the original line-up of Yes.

Now back to the sex and violen.....more sex

I could go on about how it's Friday the 13th and the history of bad luck and such, or the fact that I may have anal chugged one-to-many bottles of tequila this week- I'm sorry that's an image you didn't need.

However, I'm going to stick with the tried and true linkage in a homage to my laziness.

So in a mini sex-by-the-numbers, here are 10 sexual anomalies that will make your head spin.

I'm not sure you really needed these images either......

A Blog in all seriousness.

I may be away but there's no reason you can't check out my other blog "the Grass is Greener" before I get back.

Now, by "the grass is greener" I'm not trying to insinuate some sort of sexual site in a cuffs and collars, carpet and drapes metaphor. This is a serious site for the lawn enthusiast....no I'm serious.....the lawn enthusiast.....stop laughing!

Oh never mind!

Life's a beach

Greetings from the Mayan Riviera. While I'm away I will try to simulate as best I can the experience of actually being here.

I think this link should suffice.

C.S.I....esta

This is the first thing GICC and I did when we got into our hotel room in Mexico.

Motel 6 Jizz Covered - watch more funny videos

Black humour for a blue Monday

A kid is sitting at the kitchen table in the morning and says, "Hey mom, pass the fuckin corn flakes." She takes him out back and whips him with a rod then sits him back down and says, "Now would you like something from the table?" He says, "Well I sure as shit don't want those fuckin corn flakes."

Opera anyone?

I like Robot Chicken and I like Star Trek and I like opera.....OK opera not so much, but if you have the other two elements then I love opera.

Go MILF yourself

It's cold and I don't feel like doing anything today but posting a link.

So here you go.

More B.J. tips for don't spit-swallow

Submitted by you for you.

I tell my mate to let me know when he's ready to cum, by tapping my head or shoulder. When he does I take his penis as far back in my mouth as I can. That way I feel the hot cum, but the taste is not as bad as it would be up front. Practice on dildos to perfect this technique. - Bobbie, Kentucky

I have a tongue piercing, but its overrated if you know how to use your tongue. Not too much, but not too little. Use your tongue on the back of his dick and around the head. Start slowly at the top like you're making out with it, then work your way down and increase the speed. They love it! (Hint: Drink alcohol and fruit juice combined for the best tasting cum.) - Lexi, Seattle

There must be something good about Asian diets, because the taste of Asian cum is just wonderful. Has anyone else noticed this? - Matt, Australia

Brush your teeth before - that way you don't taste it. - Shannon, U. S. - If gagging can not be helped or prevented, put 1 or 2 cough drops in your mouth. This will help numb the back of your throat and also give him a tingling sensation. - Anonymous, Maryland

Swallowing really isn't that bad at all. In fact, if you get the technique down, you hardly taste it. You can let his cum hit the back of your throat, totally bypassing your tongue...and voila! He's happy and you don't make any funny faces at the taste of it. Hell, think of what he does do you. - Lily, Pennsylvania

I know that it's a great idea to have ice cream afterwards. Not only does it get the taste out of your mouth, but if you're not used to sucking very hard the coldness sooths your throat. - Connie, Louisiana

Suck'em fast and swallow quicker. - Michelle, Chicago

Hold your breath just before he goes off...then swallow hard. - Anonymous, Canada
I love to taste the payoff of my attentions, but some are much better than others. I've noticed that the flavor is much less tasteable when the release is deeper in the throat area, at very least to the back of the tongue, which has no taste buds. The throbbing is the best warning, and is a delicious sensation, if you can swallow at least the head, or more. I prefer more....but the first shot on the tongue is absolutely the best, then down the throat, you get the flavor and the throbbing to enjoy! - Anonymous, Georgia

I have often found eating a cinnamon candy or chewing cinnamon gum not only masks the flavor but also gives the man a "HOT" blowjob. I know mine will reach for a pack of Big Red when he's ready. - Sammi, Ohio

As if the recession isn't bad enough

Are you upset about six more weeks of winter?

You can do something about it.

Whack a groundhog you'll feel better.

It's either that or whack yourself, but either way you're going to feel better.

Cardinal sin

If you are wondering why Arizona lost in Sunday's Super Bowl showdown. I believe it's because they didn't have the Log-proof suit.

On second thought, maybe if wouldn't have made a difference.........

Money for nothing

Every year companies spend millions on Super Bowl advertising and every year the commercials seem to get less entertaining. Although I would rat this year's group ahead of last year's crop.

Check it out for yourself if you want.

Black humour for a blue Monday

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

Super Bowl by the numbers

The 12 most inspirational pep-talks

The 6 most pathetic attempts to get Super Bowl tickets

The 30 most ridiculous things you can actually wager on this Sunday

Bonus link: Super Bowl drinking game

Got it, got it, need it, got it

Even more fat dude trading cards

That pretty much sums it up

How much I hate this weather.

More fat dude trading cards

For OBJ

I'm a little pissed at the fact there will not be a wing eating contest this year at the Wing Shack during the Super Bowl.

I guess they couldn't find a ringer to take down our man One Ball Joe?

However, in his honor and in recognition for his past machine-like eating accomplishments I present to the first of a series: Fat dude trading cards.

Black humour for a blue Monday,

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

Do you know how I know you're gay?

You go to this site to ask questions to see if you are.

Seems like I've been posting a lot of links lately.....man, I'm getting lazy.

Now, back to the regularly scheduled sexual content

Today's semen swallowing tips. You're welcome.

There's a past girlfriend, or two, who would benefit from this.

If you hate the taste of cum, tell your boyfriend/husband to eat pineapples for about 2 days before, and it will taste sweeter. - Anonymous, Virginia

Some women don’t like to swallow semen because of the sharp sensation it leaves in their throat. And there is nothing much to do about that. What I found to be the next best thing (possibly even better) is that she slowly lets it ooze out of her mouth while sucking (best done while sitting up). - Rob, Europe

At first I was afraid to swallow. But then my best friend said the best thing to do is suck on Tic Tacs before sucking on a cock. And she was right. - Melissa, U. S.

I would recommend putting something sweet in your mouth before you swallow and get tongue ring. Gives your guy a better experience. - Ann, Iowa

The most obvious thing to do is use a condom. It may not be as pleasurable to your partner than it would be without it, but hey, it is better than nothing, right? I mean, you should not have to suffer. There are also flavored condoms for your pleasure. - Neva, New York

I've always swallowed. Now, I love seeing the look on my husband's face as our eyes are locked on the other's and he shoots his streams of cum into my mouth. It's just magical. However the taste is something that I've never really gotten used to. Over the years I've learned to deep throat him completely even though he's about 8 inches and average thickness. I've learned from asking him that it's almost more enjoyable for him to cum while he's in my throat than it is when he's shooting it all over my tongue and the back of my mouth. The big advantage it gives me when I deep throat him and he comes is that I never taste it. When I sense he's starting to have his orgasm I just take a deep breath and push his cock down my throat as far as I can and begin swallowing. That method hasn't failed to make him have an immediate orgasm. He says my swallowing almost feels like I'm finishing him off with a hand job around the head of his cock. - Anonymous, U. S.

WTF is this like Penthouse Forum?

I just swallow and think of ice cream! - Jisses, Sweden

Open and dump one packet of Equal into your mouth before receiving sperm into mouth. Viva la jizz! - Anonymous, Florida

Viva la Jizz? Now there's a good name for a rock band.

It is erotic when you swallow cum. At first, it's yucky, but keep in mind that you accept the guy in your life - you accept everything in him. If you can't swallow the whole cum at one time, just press the penis a little bit to control the flow of cum and swallow little by little. Another technique is to deep throat when a guy is near climax and let the cum get down into the throat by itself. You will never taste anything bad. Before you know it, all the cum is inside you. - June, L. A.
As an earlier poster mentioned, diet has a profound effect on the qualities of the cum. But while fish may make the taste even worse, some foods can improve the taste somewhat. Citrus, especially, is good for this. Drinking a lot of juice (pineapple seems to work best) should affect the taste enough to make it bearable. - Anonymous, California

Strangedaze: Miss a day, miss.......

...absolutely nothing at all apparently, since I have been remiss to post anything in the last 48 hours- give-or-take.

Personally, I blame the colon cleansing.

The Inauguration Day 2009 Drinking Game

While you're enjoying Obamapalooza, why not take a drink every time someone says:

“Historic”
“Monumental”
“Kennedy”
“Lincoln”
“Change” (as a noun)
“Most anticipated inauguration in history”
The name of a celebrity who thinks their opinion matters.

Drink Every Time:

Joe Biden’s hairplugs are awkwardly noticeable.
You see Oprah crying.
W glances at his watch.
You see a mediocre looking chick with political aspirations in the crowd.
Chris Matthews appears to get a boner.
You see Obama’s face on a t-shirt.
A white guy pretends to know the words to a Black Eyed Peas song.
Keith Olbermann comes off as a smug, pretentious asshole.
Someone in the crowd passes out.
You see a bearded hippie.
Jesse Jackson takes credit for Obama’s campaign.
A Fox News correspondent speaks in hushed tones with an air of faux patriotism.

And you thought you were lucky

Just check out this link for some of the luckiest S.O.B.s you'll ever see.

Something wicked this way....and you know the rest

Is it just me, or does anyone else feel that there is some sort of crisis brewing for next week?

Let's see we have volatile markets, an economy in the crapper, giant corporations going bankrupt, a weak currency and a JFK-like president being inaugurated who just happens to be the first black president ever.

I mean holy fuck! Where is Jack Bauer? If this doesn't sound like the perfect storm for something big followed by marshal law and an impending one world currency I don't know what is.

Honestly does anyone think George W. is really going to go quietly into that dark night?

Perhaps this paranoia is all nothing and just the product of some disturbing dreams of late, but I can't shake the feeling of dread.

As I stated last week, maybe we should wait for full daylight and look at the one-legged hooker first, before we decide to bite our arm off.

I'm going to get a lot of mileage out of that.

Sorry to be so serious this cold Saturday morning, but....well.....good morning! Now wake up!

Famous dudes I almost know (part 2)

Wayne Gretzky


Wayne and I go waaaaaay back. We're both from Brantford: home of Alexander Graham Bell and the Market Square Chip Wagon. We both attended North Park Collegiate- although Wayne soon departed for the Soo Greyhounds to play hockey. I knew his sister Sue and one brother Brent.

We actually played against one another. I checked him several times, when the play had stopped and I could catch him.

I'm sure Wayne and I would've cultivated a long lasting friendship that would have had me be best man at the wedding, fly out to L.A. to hang by the pool, even check out some shows on Broadway when he played for the Rangers, but when you score 16 goals on my goaltender in the first period alone, that's where I draw the line.

Have a nice life puckhog.

Condom-inium

Bob Noxious just sent me this gem. Check it out.

Celebrities by the numbers

With the announcement of Benifer's new baby name, Seraphina, not to mention the Golden Globes and the impending Oscar nods coming next week, celebs sure seem to be front and centre.

So why not celeb by the numbers for today?

Let's start with 120 mugshots of your fave star.

20 Celebrities if they were midgets.....or little people perhaps the politically correct term.....OK damn it! Vertically challenged! Happy now?

The 10 worst types of drunks. It could be about celebrities. See mugshots.

I almost forgot

A few weeks ago a milestone passed without much fanefare....hell, I even forgot about it. But I started my fifth year of blogging here at Strangedaze on January 2nd.

Wow! Five years! The things I could have done with that time instead of posting inane links and mumbo-jumbo.

I could have gotten a tattoo, spent some time in prison, experienced my first anal, gang-rape in the shower, killed a small animal with a stick, spent thousands on higher education that would find me working at the LCBO.

I could have set up a world record domino display, made peace with my inner demons, your inner demons, you friends and families inner demons.

I could have had my blood flushed out in Switzerland, attempted to climb Everest before I died halfway up due to my idiodic sherpa..... I could have gone to Mexico for a vacation.....actually scratch that....I'm going next month.

I could have watched more porn and beat my dick like it owed me money.

Man I sure gave up a lot.

But I'm the type of guy who waits for full sunlight to see the one-legged hooker before deciding to bite my arm off.

Not sure I really know what that means, but it sounds cool.

Happy blog birthday to me....

The weekend numbers

If you're finding your self stray from those New Year resolutions to loose weight perhaps you need to reacquaint yourself with motivation.

Top 10 funniest workout videos.

Plus the 10 hottest moments in Japanese game show history. You really have nothing better to do, do you?

The top 100 best Nazi/ Zombie movie fights of all time....well actually there's only the one, but it's worth watching.

I'm here for you

So, it's ho-hum January. The holidays are over. The frivolity is at an end. Nothing to do but bunker down and hold out til spring, like a gunman holding hostages.

You may even feel a sickness coming on, or imagine you do.

I'm here to help you. Give you a much needed "me day", or as many "me days", as you need.

"But my work?" you say......"They'll never buy it."

Tut,tut,tut......

Go here and lean the fine art of calling in sick when you aren't.

You're welcome.

Famous dudes I almost know (part 1)

Geddy Lee


Me and Geddy go way back. In fact, the early nineties I'd have to say was when I almost knew the bassist/vocalist for Rush.

The band was busy releasing a string of memorable albums like "Presto", and others I can't remember, but we both put our time in at Chalet Studios in Clairemont, sweating in the same sauna, shitting in the same en-suite, drinking from the same "Salesman" cup. I was going to say sleeping in the same bed, but Neil had that room.

We viewed the same pristine valley disappearing into the treeline while we laid down our separate vocal tracks; enjoyed the warm sunshine by the pool during guitar overdubs, and pestered the same audio engineers.

Yup me and Geddy were almost real buddy-buddy if our sessions hadn't been six months apart.

The sky is angry my friends

As Old Man Winter opens up on us again and the shovels are poised for another dig-out there's only one thing to do.

Buy yourself a penis stretcher.

And I don't want to hear any complaints about how you're a woman and have a vagina.

PENIS STRETCHER I SAY!

A new year by the numbers.

10 items you think make you look cool, but don't.

50 vanity plates that slipped by the DMV.

The top 50 movie gun fights.

78 stupid people who tattooed celebrities on their bodies.

Symbols and a bumroll

If you are ever thinkng you're going to end up penniless and on the streets one day, or perhaps you work in an area where homeless and beggers abound then this link should be of great assistance to you.

By going to it and studing the symbols there you'll know if the dumpsters are worthy of exploring, or the prostitutes are really dudes, or to watch out for the Soylent Green bulldozers.



See....you'd already know that you're in an agitated homeless area.

Position yourself accordingly

Here it is: Every Sexual Position Known to Man/Woman

From A to Z

From Acrobat to Wheelbarrow, you'll find it here with all the numbered positions as well.

whether your a fan of the simplistic Basset Hound and Deep Impact, or you adore the more complex like the Ballerina and the Viennese Oyster, the link's for you

One for OBJ

My good buddy OBJ has made the natural excretion of human waste an art form over the years, but even he must have a question or two about the process.

If you've ever wondered about defecating and why it looks, smells and tastes like it does.....OK, scratch taste....then this next link is definitely for you.

Everything you wanted to know about poop but were afraid to ask.

Now the next time you walk into your house holding a big-ol-pile of dog shit in your hand saying, "Hey! look what I almost stepped in!", you can now impart some interesting tidbits about your fecal matter.

Likewise if your wife ever walks in while you're watching, Two Girls, One Cup, you can claim it's educational material.

Strangedaze 101-4-09

What you can expect from these pages in the coming year?

Specifically, no idea.

On a broader spectrum, more of the same.

More sex, drugs and rock-n-roll. With yesterday's two posts, I'm already on pace to beat last year's personal blogging best.

After all, why mess with a winning formula that has made me one of the least read blogs on the net. Once they realize the importance of an award for lowest readership, I'm a shoe-in.

I suppose, I'll keep variations of what has graced, or marred these pages previously, but I'd like to work in a few new features like "Famous Dudes I almost know," and a return of, "Book of the Weak Club," and yes I spelled weak correctly.

In all, I will try to make coming here an enjoyable distraction.

Thanks for coming.

Blog Resolutions

Every year at this time I do a mission statement for the year. It helps to guide my thought process and subconsciously keeps me on target to listed goals.

I thought I would try one for the Blog this year.

So here goes:

I will try to Blog everyday. (The optimum word here, being Try).

I will definitely NOT, try to break my personal best for Blogging next year.

I will stop masturbating while I post.

I will keep my pilfering of material to a minimum as it pertains to resolution #1

I will start using more than two fingers while typing.

I will decrease my posting of offensive and crude....oh to hell with this!

New Year happiness

All the best in 09 people.