Don't sink my battleship

The United States is currently tracking a North Korean ship suspected of carrying military equipment that left Pyongyang this week, but have not yet boarded the vessel.

What a co-inky-dink, I'm currently tracking the Postman suspected of sleeping with GIGC and carrying military equipment in his pants. And as far as boarding? That ship has sailed my friends.

Babs like budder

Barbara Streisand played in the Big Smoke for the first time ever.

I heard it was a good show, but personally, I don’t care what dairy product you compare her to. I’m more concerned with the prices of tickets for the event and the number of kids who won’t be going to university now because of it.

Taking the dink out of drinking

Ontario is considering adopting legislation to allow people in clubs to take their alcoholic drinks with them to the bathroom. It is hoped this will curb the increasing number of date-rape incidents.

However, I bet the number of ingested urine-tainted mojitos will be on the rise.

God damn it! Now how am I going to get chicks?

Little Caesar....big investment

Little Caesar’s entrepreneur Mike Ilitch, owner of both the Detroit Tigers and the hockey Red Wings, has released a block of World Series tickets to rabid fans anxious to watch their team play the St. Louis Cardinals.

The catch is you also have to purchase 30 home-game Red Wing tickets.

Probably have to commit to 4 years of pizza once a week and dip your scrotum in battery acid while hooking your nipples up to a 220 volt feed. Or maybe you can swap your Streisand tickets for them?

Double 00 heaven

If you’re a chick with the ass of a 10 year-old boy, or you have breasts resembling bee stings. Or maybe you generally have a whole prison-camp survivor-vibe going on, now there’s hope.

With people like Nicole Richie in mind, the fashion industry has introduced a new size, 00 for teenie, tiny, teenie, thin, tiny women.

The fall classic

November is considered the most dangerous time for pedestrians who get hit by vehicles.

The study concluded, due to cell phone use, weather conditions and general malaise, pedestrians were more likely to be struck, Tuesday to Friday, in the hours between 3 and 7 PM, especially if they had World Series tickets on them.

Now that’s specific.

What a Rush

The prog-rock experiments of the band Rush are among works that should be preserved for future generations, says a committee tasked with saving the best in Canadian television, radio, film and music.

The band's 1976 album "2112," a unique blend of classic rock and synthesizers that made Rush a sensation both in Canada and the United States, is one of 12 cultural pieces named Thursday as MasterWorks by the Audio-Visual Preservation Trust.

Also chosen this year is what's considered Canada's first homegrown TV hit, "The Pig & Whistle."

Wow.....The Pig & Whistle too? You gotta be feeling pretty special right now if you're a member of Rush.

Going for the long (dirty) bomb

The perceived terrorist threat, of dirty bombs being detonated in seven football stadiums this Sunday, turned out to be a hoax.

Apparently, it was just a contest between two authors, over the internet, on who could come up with the scariest scenario.

How about dowsing your scrotum in battery acid while hooking your nipples up to a 220 volt feed? Now that’s scary.

However, let’s look at this realistically in a hypothetical way.

Disclaimer-
The following statements are the ravings of Gus the Homeless Guy and should, in no way, be misinterpreted as actual fact related to Chris Strange, Dickie the Greek, Mambo the Sports Monkey, the Mayor of Mitchieville, or any other persons living or dead who would make such asinine allegations.

First of all, lets just forget about Minnisota vs Seattle, Carolina vs Cincinnati, Philadelphia vs Tampa, and San Diego vs K.C. If you’re a terrorist you’re not going to make a bold statement by attacking those games.

odds 100-1

Also, Arizona vs Oakland? You’re doing the league a favor by taking the Raiders out of the equation. I’d rather be forced to listen to details of the time Streisand had sex with former Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau than have to watch these two teams play.

odds 80-1

Pittsburgh vs Atlanta- Remember the Olympics? Attacking Atlanta, even although, as mentioned in the disclamer, in a fictional way, is so overdone.

odds 75-1

Denver vs Cleveland. You ever get to Cleveland? What a hole. Blowing things up there would be an improvement. Believe me. And I’d start with that mistake called the Rockin’ Roll Hall of Fame.

odds 50-1

New England vs Buffalo. This is another longshot. Didn't you read about the snow last week? Haven’t the people of Buffalo suffered enough? I mean they have to live there.

odds 25-1 and that's only because they're playing the Patriots.

Monday’s game Giants at Dallas is also not a good bet. Especially, if something happened in Sunday's games. Not that it would because, once again, none of this is real.

0dds 1000-1

That leaves the best bets for the over/under as....

Detroit vs Jets. Emblematic of all that is American: Detroit, New York. In fact, the only ones who would have no idea a disaster happened, would be the people of Detroit, who are too enthralled with watching the Tigers in the World Series and eating Ilitch's pizza.

odds even

Green Bay vs Miami. Good cross-over potential with this game between the Packers and the Dolphins. It would also anger animal activists and the makers of dairy products.

odds 2-1

Jacksonville vs Houston. Anything to fuck with Bush’s mind would be considered a victory and since Monday’s game is off the agenda, a strike in the heart of Texas is mandatory.

odds even

Washington vs Indy- The nation’s capitol vs the only undefeated team playing this week? The best odds. Where do I wager my fictional money?

*knock knock* Oh....the FBI agents are here.....gotta run.....

New release this week: Paul Stanley- Live to Win

but I recommend: Radio Pyongyang.......or perhaps I should wait until the ship is searched before I make any further recommendations?

Halloween comes early

Is it October 31st already? I mean, this week looks like a line-up of B horror films and I'm not talking about The Grudge 2.

It Came From The Supermarket

First it’s killer spinach, then lettuce, now a couple lay in hospital, paralyzed, from drinking carrot juice tainted with botchilism.

- Aren't vegetables supposed to be healthy? Fuck me! I'm frying everything in pig fat from now on.

Death From Above

Cory Lidle, pitcher for the New York Yankees, throws the ultimate strike and crashes his plane into a luxury condo, killing himself and his flight instructor.

- It used to be, God’s way of telling you, you had too much money was, you’d develop a cocaine addiction and just O.D.

The Omega Man Revisted

The U.N. Security council debated what sanctions should be placed on North Korea as punisment for continued nuclear testing, as an underground experiment was conducted this week.

Some ideas that have been thrown out because they may be perceived as an act of war were:

Sending Bulgarian strippers to work in the capital of Pyongyang.
Bombarding Kim Jong Il’s home town with Walmarts, McDonalds and Starbucks.
Secretly snatching all dogs from North Korea and destroying the food infrastructure in the process.
Exporting all carrot juice tainted with botchilism to North Korean high officials in boxes marked "Yummy".

Friday the 13th: Jason Rides A Harley

A swarm of bikers descended on the peaceful town of Port Dover in a Friday the 13th ritual.

I would have gone but I seem to have misplaced my assless leather chaps....oh, and I don't own a motorcycle.

The Rampage of Old Man Winter

On Thursday, 53.5 centimetres of heavy snow set the record for the "snowiest" October day in Buffalo in the 137-year history of the weather service. The previous record of 38 centimetres was set Oct. 31, 1917.

The freak killer snow downed scores of tree limbs and toppled power lines.

Man! This is really going to kill Buffalo tourism. *snap*

Catastrophic pictures of this event are posted below.

So, what’s next? I suppose. Our house pets could rise up against us and kill us all in our sleep with power tools and sharp objects?

Revenge of the Housepets From Hell

It’s all fun and games until someone loses a colon
Of course you knew it was about the Sky City Casino Jalapeno eating contest, didn't ya?

Winner, Pat "Deep Dish" Bertoletti from Chicago, ate 177 to claim the championship. He beat out 14 other competitors including Rich "The Locust" LaFevre, and Don "Mosses" Lerman, who guaranteed victory beforehand.
The Jalapeno champion Bertoletti said later, he couldn’t feel his face. It had gone numb.

Well, Deep Dish, I guarantee you’ll feel your asshole tomorrow.

Do let the bedbugs bite
A woman is suing an Ellenville New York hotel after she, and her husband, woke up covered in blood soaked sheets. They’d been bitten repeatedly by bed bugs.

You know, that's what I tell GIGC when she wakes up in the middle of the night bleeding from the ass......What do you mean, "that's disgusting"? You should see my penis.

In fact, the woman and her husband discovered the hotel room was infested with them.

I guess she didn't notice the sign entering town: Welcome to Ellenville, National home of the bed bug.

She is suing for 20 million in damages.

20 million? Holy snapping arseholes. Where do I sign-up? Bite away ya little buggers.

Everyone into the pool
Every week GIGC, when she isn't bleeding from the ass, plays the pro-picks football pool. A ticket where one must guess correctly, all the winners from that week’s NFL line-up.

The payout can be anywhere from $5,000 to $350,000 green backs. Earlier this year five people split the pot and took home a cool $35,000 each.

As I stated GIGC plays, and this week came within a whisper of getting them all right. Only THAT BASTARD! Brett Farve of the Green Bay Packers foiled her chances with a fumble in the dying moments of the game, handing an unlikely victory to the St. Louis Rams from the jaws of defeat.

GIGC, rightly so, was devastated.

Thousands of dollars gone like that. *snaps fingers*

Until we learned the next day almost 6,000 people possessed a winning ticket and took home a whopping $84.00 each.

Game on!
Emergeny rooms have noted a 33% increase in males following a sporting event. The study concluded, men simply will not go to emergency when sporting events are on, preferring to remain with whatever injuries they have until after the game is finished.

Wow! What we won't do for $84.00.

Personally, I remember once, The Mayor of Mitchieville waited until the end of the Stanley Cup Playoffs before he had a severed limb reattached. Now that my friends, is dedication.

YouTube, YouRich
Google Inc. announced that it has agreed to acquire YouTube, the consumer media company for people to watch and share original videos through a Web experience, for $1.65 billion in a stock-for-stock transaction.

The acquisition combines one of the largest and fastest growing online video entertainment communities with Google's expertise in organizing information and creating new models for advertising on the Internet.

Not bad for two guys who started this thing out of their garage a year and a half ago.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some nuclear tests to conduct in the crawl space under my house. Hey, maybe I can sell my weapon to Google in a year or so?

New Release this week: Diddy - Press Play

But I recommend: Ken- By Request Only.

Come on, Ken......or Diddy? Seems like an easy choice to me.

You know, I think I had a hair helmet and suit like that for my grade 8 graduation.

Note: Amish week has been postponed

First of all, there will be no jokes about the Amish this week. Not only would it be inappropriate, but it simply wouldn't be funny.

However, Woody Allen said, "tragedy plus time equals humour". So I imagine, somewhere down the line, someone will have something to say about the whole mess, but it won't be this week, and it won't be here. Besides, when you have someone like Mark Foley running around Capitol Hill trying to get it on with young pages, who needs the Amish?

Hey kid you want to see the Washington Monument?

House Republican leaders struggled Monday to contain the political fallout as more sexually charged electronic banter between Rep. Mark Foley and teenage pages emerged.

While conceding that Foley had inappropriate communications with pages and former pages, attorney David Roth said Foley had "never, ever had an inappropriate sexual contact with a minor in his life."

"He is absolutely, positively not a pedophile," Roth said.

I guess we'll have to wait for Foley's autobiography, "Rectum? Damn near killed him," to find out the real truth.

Get your freak on

Wednesday was the most entertaining night in the Big Smoke that we've had in sometime.

NO, not because it's the start of hockey season and the Leafs once again stunk out the joint in front of many a sushi eating, high-tax-bracket, suit-wearing, BlackBerry using, Non- Amish Bay streeter, nor was it due to the season premier of "Lost" or the baseball playoffs.

It was because, the circus has come to town, or in other words, the first mayoral debate for the Toronto municipal election took place, featuring all the candidates....well 28 out of the 39 anyway. Some in capes, others in bright purple suits, or costumes of one sort or another.

It's too bad it won't be a closer race as I would look forward to holistic healing for everyone, or joining the federation of planets, or calling a twenty-three year-old Mayor....but that's just me.

Penguins get rimmed!

I bet I have your attention at least, but the tag line is nowhere near as sinister as it sounds and it doesn’t involve Mark Foley. Nor does it come with a voice-over by Morgan Freeman- "Sadly...(pause)...the screeching penguins progeny....(pause)...were bound tautly.....(pause)....separated from their mothers and forced to bend forward....(pause) their beaks....(pause) now scarcely positioned inches from the ice.....(pause)....Awaiting a terrible wet decent from above.

Jim Balsillie, the billionaire owner of Waterloo's RIM (Research In Motion) and creator of the BlackBerry, has bought the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Hey, how long before he moves the team to Kitchener/Waterloo, calls them the BlackBerries and puts an Octoberfest sausage crest on the sweater?

It would still be better than Buffalo Sabre's new Donald Trump hair-piece logo.

Water, water everywhere

So drink it, and stop pouring your money down the drain on bottled water.

Especially "Walkerton Crystal Clear"

Toronto has one of the best filtration systems and rigorous testing analysis in the world.

Very rarely will I get a floater coming out of the tap.

A Nobel cause

So they'll give out the big prize next Friday. The Nobel Peace Prize that is. But what many don't know is there are also awards given for the weird and wacky called the Ig Nobel Prize.

Like the guys who won for their work on itches you can' t scratch. Or the guy who invented the mosquito, a device emitting a frequency only teens can here that acts as a repellent to keep them away.

I wonder if that's the same guy who just invented the cell phone that screams when it's stolen?

Others of note who have been lucky enough to win this prize include.

The person who invented a flame-throwing car alarm.
Another who made it possible to rent the entire country of Liechtenstein for parties.
And a pair of televangelists who discovered that black holes qualify as the location of hell.
A team that published a paper titled "An Analysis of the Forces Required to Drag Sheep over Various Surfaces."
And Troy Hurtubise of North Bay, Ontario, who created and personally tested a 147 pound grizzly bear-proof armor suit. (pictured)

All may have wished for a Nobel Prize, but they got an Ig Nobel instead.

What happens in Vegas....

Hugh Hefner has just opened a new Playboy Club in the city of sin. What' s next. I suppose they' ll be auctioning off Hitler' s watercolors......what? They already did that?....Ok I suppose they' ll be auctioning off Cher memorabilia then.

Cher and Cher alike

Cher is auctioning off some of her stuff. At first, it was just to be some outfits and wigs, you know, tour/ Oscar/ nightclub memorabilia.

However, due to the overwhelming response, the lot size has increased three fold. She has added furniture, bed linens, used dental floss, table scraps, and several pets....no Ritchie Sambora was not among those listed. Some of the items in question are even under priced to make them more feasible for her fan base.

The collective squeals of joy you hear are from gay men everywhere......not that there's anything wrong with that.

New Release this week: Evanesence-The Open Door ....All right ya got me. Technically it was from last week, but what the hell.

But I recommend.

At play with The Platmates.

On their way to an internet cafe' to bid on Cher Memorabilia, no doubt.

Almost forgot

Have a happy Thanksgiving......unless you're from the States, then a shout out to Columbus Day....unless you're from somewhere else, then just enjoy your Monday.....

How to tell it's the fall season besides the shitty new TV shows.

-Leaves are changing color and over-passes are collapsing.

-Elections are on the horizon. Just ask Belinda Stonach and Tie Domi who are already busy polling the electorate.

-It's open season for gunmen in high schools and colleges.

-George Takei has announced he will reprise his role as Sulu as long as he can grow his hair long and wear leather pants.

-And out of money, Mike Tyson has planned to return to the ring at 40. He will start a world tour of 4-round exhibition fights in an effort to reduce his debt load.

Apparently Iron Mike has squandered over 300 million during his career like he's some third world country.

What is this guy Conrad Black all of a sudden?

Road to oblivion

With a mayoral election heating up, what to do with Toronto's antiquated Gardiner expressway seems to be the main bone of contention. A report released this week offered a few alternatives. Fix it, tear it down, or build a tunnel.

Wow! it cost them how much of the tax payers money to get these answers? A million plus?

Money well spent ladies and gentlemen. Money....well....spent!

Anyone want to join me in a slow clap?

Personally I like the tunnel idea because I've already seen the artist rendition. Although, I'm not sure what side the CN Tower will be on.

As long as the lanes go both ways it has my vote. Who wouldn't like to see a little DP from the DVP?

If you hadn't died I would have killed you

A man who co-wrote the song Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini was wrongly reported as dead after the death of a man who claimed authorship.

The widow of Paul Van Valkenburgh, of Ormond Beach, Florida, said he claimed to have written the song as Paul Vance.

Rose Leroux said she had had no reason to doubt her late husband's claim to fame and was "devastated" by the news of his lie.

Shush! GIGC still believes I invented the speculum.

Who's your daddy?

Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer Howard K. Stern has revealed he is the father of her baby daughter. However, former boyfriend Larry Birkhead has also claimed his boys can swim and he's the real father.

Jesus, no wonder her son Daniel O.D.'d.

A cysting astronauts

French surgeons have performed the first operation on a person in weightless conditions. In the 10-minute procedure this week, four doctors cut out a cyst from a patient's arm aboard a free-falling aircraft.

The surgery was performed during a parabolic flight - 25 rollercoaster-like manoeuvres inside a converted Airbus A300 aircraft. Each arc recreates weightlessness for 22 seconds as the plane free-falls to the ground. The surgeons, who only operated in these 22-second windows, were held in place with harnesses and their instruments fixed by magnets inside a specially-constructed operating theatre measuring two metres by two metres.

Interesting....
Someone wake me when they start lancing anal boils or performing vasectomies. Now that's operating.

So much for the kosher meal

I woman gave birth on a transatlantic flight this week somewhere between London and Boston over Canadian airspace.

I wonder how she snuck that past security?

The baby was delivered by the flight crew.....

Where's a parabolic flight when you really need one?

The plane touched down in Halifax....

Where both Howard K. Stern and Larry Birkhead were waiting to fight over paternal rights no doubt.

What no ball-gags

Three masked men robbed a suburban Atlanta sex shop Wednesday after tying up the employees with black fur handcuffs and silver leg irons taken from the store shelves, police said.
Authorities said the men stole $230 from the cash register at the Starship Enterprise adult novelty store....

Is this where Sulu got the idea for the leather pants?


Smells like team spirit

Terrell Owens' attempted suicide turned out to be just an accidental overdose.

I knew it couldn't be true. Why would he deprive the sports world of such an asshole?

Early reports said T.O. had been depressed before trying to take his own life.

Tell me. What's he got to be depressed about?

-He doesn't know where to spend his millions?

Someone should introduce him to Mike Tyson.

-He can't find a decent place to park his Porsche?

May I suggest an overpass in Laval Quebec?

-He doesn't have enough dick for what seems to be too much pussy?

Someone get me Tie Domi on the phone damn it!

New release this week: Actually, I couldn't find any new releases.

Just as well. You only need one album for your collection anyway.

Christian Crusaders with Al Davis.

It would make a swell gift for Yom Kippur.

No! Wait!.......New release this week...... The Killers- Sam's Town

Sorry......did you already buy the other one?

All purpose Tool

OK, I'm not stoned enough to do an adequate review of last night's show, but you can go here for some better incoherent thoughts.

However, I will say, probably the best Tool show I've seen since the 2 nights at the Warehouse, (now the Kool Haus), in T.O. several years ago.

Last night's Set list:

Stinkfist
The Pot
46 & 2
Jambi
Schism
Lost Keys / Rosetta Stoned
Wings / 10,000 Days
Lateralus
Vicarious
Aenema

A local anaesthetic

I guess I should really stop listening to local news, but there seems to be much going on in our little city. I realize most of you don't live here, so I'll try be brief.

Cash for trash you ass: Nobody rides for free

So Toronto has finally solved it’s trash problem by purchasing a landfill in St. Thomas outside of London.

Mayoral hopeful, councillor Jane Pittfield, even put her stamp of approval on the deal, which reportedly will cost tax payers upwards to 50 million.

Later however, Pittfield declared she’d been in a rush and accidently voted in favor of the agreement.

Who would want someone like that for Mayor honestly?

What a lot of you don’t know is, she ran against our beloved Mayor of Mitchieville years ago but accidently fell on his penis and ruined her campaign.

*snap*

Rocket around the clock?

The TTC is proposing keeping the subway open 24/7 just like in N.Y......

Great, now we can also get the homeless off the street.

Booze cruisers

Several local police officers were caught on video, behind a furniture store, drinking alcohol they’d confiscated from minors.

I wonder if Jane Pittfield was accidently there?

Who thought escorts were so expensive?

When a passenger got into a heated argument with flight attendants on board an Air Canada flight preparing to take off from London to Toronto, he was escorted off the plane and had to find another way home. But that wasn't the end of it.

A week later, the airline sent buddy a bill for $1,350 for causing the flight to be delayed by 27 minutes. Air Canada defended its action saying delays are expensive and passengers who intentionally cause a flight to be late should expect similar treatment.

Do you hear that terrorists? Just think about that the next time you want to disrupt air travel.
Seconds anyone?

Many Canadian fans of "Grey's Anatomy" were puzzled by plot gaps and apparent inconsistencies Thursday night when CTV inadvertently aired the second episode of the season rather than the hotly anticipated premiere.

While the network blamed the mistake on a "satellite feed error," it was little consolation for viewers who had waited an entire summer to learn the fate of the libidinous interns at Seattle Grace Hospital not to mention Dr. McDreamy.

That will teach ya for watchin' "chick TV" instead of C.S.I.

Summer falls

Welcome to the first day of fall. To make the slow death of another year more enjoyable; did you know, you can bet on which new TV show will be the first one cancelled?

Is "My mother the car" still on?

"Men in trees" is the eary favorite.

However, if you had "Grey's Anatomy" as first show to fuck up you'd be raking in the dough right now.

Oh Popeye

Ok, I didn't mention this last week because I figured everyone already knew. But people are still falling over, being sick, and shitting green. And no, It's not St. Patrick’s day already?

Jesus! Just don’t eat frickin spinach.

Coup coup ka-choo

This week saw a military coup in Thailand. The Thai military surrounded the prime minister's office with tanks and seized control of TV stations declaring a provisional authority pledging loyalty to the king.

Yeah, but I'll bet they still got the first episode of Grey's Anatomy.

S’cuse me while I kiss this guy

Guitar legend Jimmy Hendrix died 36 years ago this week. Here is what he'd look like if he were still alive today.

No sex please. We're British

A survey by private health care organization Bupa in England, has found 39% of people were prepared to give up sex in order to live to a ripe old age of 100.

Wow! Seems giving up sex is what would kill me in the first place.

Women would be the ones most prepared to pass up passion at 48% in a bid to prolong life.

I think GIGC may have already taken the vow of celibacy.

While 24% of those polled would be ready to sacrifice eating and drinking whatever they wanted.

Well, spinach at least.

And 58% would give up travelling to ensure they lived to 100.

Count me in. Especially with what Air Canada is fining their passengers these days.

New Release this week: Scissor Sisters- Ta-Dah











But I recommend: Liebe Mutter- Heino

You know what? Maybe I will give up sex after all.

9/11's in the house

On a week where we remember 9/11 five years later, I’m sure you don’t need to hear anymore about it. So, I'm going to talk about a lot of other shit.

Do wah Diddy, Diddy don’t and Diddy do

There I was just a walking down the street I heard, "hey there Diddy change your name in the U.K."

Use Combs, or use P, you can even use Fuckin’ D....

Nope...I thought I'd sing all the posts this week, but fuck it. Go here if you want the Diddy poop.

Ugh! That sounds disgusting!

Toronto....the new Vegas?

....for gays who want to get married anyway. Gay couples are flocking to the Big Smoke in record numbers just to get hitched.

Although, makes me wonder how much they're playing the slots afterward.

Tossing a wrench into the universe

Steve McLean became only the second Canadian to walk in space. McLean is part of the shuttle mission now in orbit. But while helping to assemble the proposed space station, McLean had a few bolts float away on him and ended up breaking a wrench in the process.

All I want to know is, why do Canadians seem to have trouble keeping track of their nuts?

Da-refund

Kendall County furniture store owner and ''huge Bears fan'' Randy Gonigam got tired of players bragging about their defense, so he decided to put his money where their mouths are. Over Labor Day weekend, Gonigam's World Furniture Mall in Plano offered customers free furniture — up to $10,000 — if the Bears shut out the Green Bay Packers in their season opener.

Four quarters, 206 customers and about $300,000 later, Gonigam is still a little shell-shocked.

The Bears blanked the Packers 26-0 Sunday, ending Green Bay's 233-game scoring streak and giving Brett Favre the first shutout of his 16-year NFL career.

My advice next promotion go with a safer bet. The Black Hawks will defeat the Maple Leafs in the Stanley Cup final.

65.7 million dollar man

Speaking of hockey. What the hell were the Islanders thinking, when they offered goaltender Rick DiPietro 65.7 million over 15 years?

In fifteen years most people will own 2.3 cars,marry 2.8 times, and change jobs 3.7 times.

Not Rick. He’ll have the same job for fifteen years, as many cars as he wants, and if some bitch takes half his money, he’ll still have enough for all the trim his goalie stick ever needs.

Pot luck

A man was walking his dog in Scarborough.....

No he wasn’t shot....

No he wasn’t accosted by hookers....

No neither was the dog.....

Would you let me tell the story for Christ sake!

He stumbled across fields of pot being grown in a wooded area.

The weed was close to reaching harvest potential and had a street value of 6 million....which is almost 11 DiPietros......

Fuck! Now what am I going to smoke.

You know what? All this shit is just not controversial enough. It’s 9/11 week God damn it!
I have to get with the program.

Bigger than Jesus- That's more like it

When voters in Gerard Kennedy's old Parkdale-High Park riding headed to the polls this Thursday, they were forced to think about more than just taxes, garbage, transit, crime and the usual local issues.

It all stems from a sermon delivered last year by N.D.P. candidate Cheri DiNovo. In her speech, the United Church minister apparently compared the media's treatment of Homolka to the persecution of Jesus Christ.

Homolka = Jesus? What a load of shit. What was she thinking making a statement like that? It should be Homolka is God....

I think I’m turning into the Dunken Stepfather.

People will be buying my books soon just to burn them. Let the royalties roll in.

Dawson's freak

The shooting rampage at Dawson’s College in Montreal has been dominating the headlines since it happened with the dissection of how and why.

How the killer was in to Vampirism and heavy metal, listening to Cannibal Corpse and Slayer! etal.

How he hated the Government and Authority.

Who dosen’t?

How he hated bible thumping know-it-alls and God.

He must of really hated Karla Homolka then?

How his favorite video game was "Super Columbine Massacre."

What was wrong with the "Regular Columbine Massacre" game? I can’t even get past level one.

Once again, my books are available for purchase to be burned.

OK, I'll admit the subject matter is getting a little too heavy......something lighter perhaps?

So long Hap-penis

A woman in Montreal is in court this week....

Montreal hmm. do we see a pattern being established here?......

Apparently , distraught over a break-up, she set her former lover’s genitals on fire with fondue oil and caused third degree burns to his weenie.....

I guess when I said "something lighter", I should have specified "cigarette lighter".

Fondue oil? Aren’t you suppose to dip cheese in that? Oh wait a minute. Dick....cheese. I get it now......Next!

Pedal pusher

Car manufacturers are developing a smart pedal that reads GPS and will automatically slow to listed speed limits once you enter those areas.

Great so bad drivers can now die at a slower pace.

However, there is an override button.

Then what’s the point? That’s like sticking a pack of cigarettes in front of someone being forced to quit, but leaving him a match just in case.

Besides, everyone knows: cars don’t kill people, gun toting Vampire Freaks do.

New Release this week: DJ Shadow- Outlaw









But I recommend: Dethkorps- Metal Tit

Warning: May cause unexpected urge to kill students, Karla Homolka, or set genitals on fire.

My wife's hole is so big.......

How big is it?

It's so big.....A garbage truck fell into it...Actually a garbage truck did fall into a sink hole in a back alley in Toronto yesterday. Not that I care, or would even comment on it, but I’ve been waiting to use the title tag line for ages.

Allen eclipses Moon

On the eve of the NFL’s new season, I just thought I should let all you Americans know, Toronto Argonaut quarterback Damon Allen is now pro football's pass record holder. He surpassed Hall of Fame great Warren Moon this week.

However, Allen, unlike Moon who also once played in the CFL, has never played in the NFL. So, chances are you never heard of him. Nor would have, had I not just mentioned it.

Freezing his assets off

A U.S. court has ordered Conrad and Lady Black's assets frozen until the outcome of his impending trial giving them only an allowance of $50,000 a month......wait a fuckin’ minute.....fifty large a month......talk about spliting a nickle six ways.....who could live off of that?

Now with Conrad out of the equation and Ken Thompson pushing up daisys, who will be the next billionaire voted off the Island.....

Probably not Ted Rogers who has just teamed up with MLSE to bring the NFL north of the 49th. Buffalo, New Orleans, San Francisco?

Hmm....Toronto North of the 49ers?

I have to stop talking about this shit. People will think I'm turning into Dust My Broom.

A Drunk-in Paris

Yeah, Paris Hilton was charged with DUI this week....by now everyone knows.....what you don’t know, was how the officer came to this conclusion.

Because after he gave Paris the breathalyzer his dick still smelled of alcohol.....ooo...snap!

Now that's more like it!

Why-fi

So they can charge you more money and make you work longer hours, that's why.

Toronto became the first city in North America to implement WiFi. Wireless internet in the downtown core. The service will be free until next march.

So for now, just work the longer hours ok?

And they’re off! Very slowly

An experiment was implemented this week. Which is the worst place to drive into the city from on a daily basis? East from Whitby? West from Burlington? North from New Market.

The teams started from equal 60km distances outside the GTA and had to drive to a destination at Dundas Square in the downtown core.

The winner...er loser at 1:37:00 was the North.

However, what many don’t know, there was a fourth team from Mitchieville which departed from the south off a barge in Lake Ontario and have yet to arrive. It has now been 4 days and counting.....now that's traffic.

We’ll miss you Fenris.

Cereal Killer Qu'est Que C'est

Cerealicious is a new fast food place catering to the breakfast crowd in the Bay St. district........yeah, that's uh......really interesting.....

What can I say? It was a slow news week.

say.....my wife's hole is so big......

Cum see the stars

The 31st edition of the Toronto International Film Fest or TIFF, kicked off this week with star hunters camping outside by the Four Seasons hotel in hopes of catching a glimpse of their fave celebs.

Here’s a tip for you people. You want to shake hands with Jude Law, get punched by Russell Crowe, or coo over Brad Pitt, you need to go to the Brass Rail.

For those of you who don’t know it’s a popular strip club close to Yorkville accommodations for the stars.

Why, this week I’ve already spotted Heath Ledger in perverts row, Sir Anthony Hopkins ordering wings from the enchanted grotto and J. Lo in the V.I.P. lounge smoking the biggest Cuban stogie I've ever seen.....at least I hope it was a cigar.

For all your daily juice on the TIFF go to Mitch and Famous

They have to post something now.

New release this week: Best of R.E.M.




but I recommend: David Ingles- Satan has been Paralyzed.

Old MacDonald gets his house

Ok I've been following this guy for sometime now. He started out with one red paper-clip in hopes of trading up to get a house. Well it finally happened. Go here to check it out. It's really quite funny and amazing. Now if you'll excuse me, I have one shitty piece of toilet paper I'm going to try to trade until I get a red paper-clip.

To boldly go....again

Star Trek 11 anyone?

First of all, anyone who watches these movies knows, the odd numbered movies always suck ass. But hold on, let’s give this one a shot.

Ok the premiss: Pre-dates the other movies by offering us a young James T. Kirk, a Spock who hasn’t yet gone all, seven years, crazy, and tried to hump McCoy in the left nostril. And the rest of the cast etal.

There's probably even a young Green Bitch....oh and that lizard dude must be something akin to a salamander.....opps sorry to interrupt.

The movie is slated for release in 2008.

Great, now we have lots of time to prepare for it to bite the bag.

Producer J.J. Abrums, screenplay by Alex Kurtzman, Matt Damon rumoured to play Young Kirk......

Woh-ho-ho! Wait a God-dang-diddlie-minute. Matt Damon? Are you fuckin’ nuts and pissin’ crazy? Whats next "The Bourne Ultimatum"? "Oceans 13"?

And who plays Spock? David Swimmer?....No, no ...I get it. It’s a comedy. Whew! Had me worried there.

Personally my pics would be Kevin James, (King of Queens), as Kirk, and Andy Dick as Spock but that’s just me.

Now that's some dog-gone drivin'

A woman crashed her car into another motorist after she let her dog take the wheel of her vehicle while she operated the pedals.

Hey guys. I think we just found someone to play Uhura. But it would have been funnier if he'd hit a fire hydrant, don’t ya think?

Aren’t dogs supposed to be smart animals......I mean my cat drives all the time and has never had an accident. But then again my cat has his driver's licence.

Nico-teen

More teens are becoming addicted to smoking because several of the major brands have upped their nicotine content by 10%.

This little gem was uncovered in Massachusetts which is one of the only states who demands Cigarette companies submit frequent detailed information on their product....

Stupid kids....think they’re invincible. They need something to scare them into quitting or better yet, not starting.......Hey Kids! Smoking will make you look like Keith Richards! (picture taken when he was 19)

Speaking of....

Keith Richards could lose a couple of pounds

Mean while the biggest teen of them all, Keith Richards, was caught smoking in a designated non-smoking area in Glasgow, Scotland this week. The penalty for his non-compliance could be as high as $98.

OMG how will he ever afford that. See kids. Don't smoke!

Forget about smoking a camel

Camel milk baby that’s the rage. In fact in the Middle East they can’t keep it in stock. Apparently, some old coot said, although he’s in his nineties he still gets massive erections and he owes it all to drinking camel milk.....

Some people will believe anything....Hey Momar! Eating pig testicles will make you cum like Peter North!

Unmarked Karr

No doubt you’ve heard that murder charges have been dropped against John Mark Karr because his DNA didn’t match what was found on the body of Jon Benet Ramsey.

He knew the DNA wouldn’t match, so why did he confess?

Because he's a freakin’ genius that’s why.

Look, he got an all expenses paid, first-class trip back to the states drinking champagne and eating butterfly shrimp and truffles. He’s got all this media attention which will surely spark interest in his book on child killers that no one would have read. Now sick fucks and rubber neckers alike, will march out to get his mess of literary coitus. And if he's not convicted of child porn charges in California, he'll have a ticket to every talk show lining up like acolytes to ask him his life story. Not to mention a movie of the week where he's portrayed by David Schwimmer.....
Yes, life is good for Mr. Karr.

In fact.....

Once I’m finished blogging I’m going to start searching to see if there are any unsolved murders in Hawaii, Australia and Amsterdam that I can confess to.

Note: My books will available on demand once I return.

New release this week: Audioslave- Revelations










But I recommend:
Songs for Gay Dogs by Paddy Roberts.


Perhaps there's more to this dog driving accident then we know?

Blogs you didn't see ( first of 3)

With the picture post on the blink for the past few weeks, I was unable to display images necessary to the following blogs. As a result they were not viewed in a timely fashion and perhaps, after witnessing them now, you wished you still hadn't seen them.

Regardless, here they are.

Results of Camp Mitchieville

Once again it was a productive set of meetings at this year’s political retreat in Camp Mitchieville on the banks of Lake Simcoe and the Kashamawigamawog.

Need proof? Just do the comparison between 2005 and 2006 and you'll see there was a greater camaraderie; a synergy if you will. An essential willingness to get things done for the greater good of the tax paying public..





















It was also a chance to put the peoples hard earned money to use with some well deserved recreational activities. Newly appointed Minister of the Interior Jim Nasium, with outstanding displays of the vernacular, usurped last years champion Fenris Badwolf at trivia.



"Ok Jim.....name for me 10 things you find in an aquarium.......you have thirty seconds.....GO!.........10 things you’d find in an aquarium.......the clock is ticking Jim........come on give me just one thing.......you have 15 seconds Jim.......Jim?...."
















Then Jim teamed up with Trebor Enots and smoked everyone at synchronized snoozing.









Despite the frivolity, much was accomplished as follows:

Garbage pick-up will now be Thursday instead of Tuesday in the Tri-county area.

Four more hotdog vender licences will be awarded to the Uberstrassen Holiday Resort and Tourist Causeway.

The band shell at Old City Hall will be reconstructed after it was burned down two years ago by Homeless Eddie and a statue to Mayor Sr. will be erected. This will now be deemed a pigeon free zone, so kids, please keep your pet pigeons at home.

Smoking will no longer be allowed in public toilets, but strippers are still ok.

In an effort to serve and protect, the Mitchieville police force will be doubled in size with the hiring blitz of two more officers.

Also since Michigan is no longer taking our garbage, a temporary emergency landfill has been designated in Herb Grumbles backyard. Sorry about that Herb, but it's all for the greater good.

Oh......almost forgot.....the decision to sepearate from the rest of Canada and form the country of Mitchieland was defeated by a count of 11-1.

Remember, we are working with you to build a better Mitchieville.

Blogs you didn't see (part deux)

A few weeks ago the Mayor posted this picture of Val Kilmer.




Little did he know there was a deeper connection between this image and a more infamous picture. After several painstaking minutes of searching, I finally found what I was looking for on the DSE, (Derek Search Engine), which in my opinion is the only place to find the true information. Fuck Google!

With the conspiracy uncovered I present to you the missing link......Val Kilmer is really the notorious Bigfoot.

Blogs you didn't see (part III)

Recommended listening for the past two weeks.






















Now you have to go out and buy them both. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Must have been the bandwidth

Just when I thought the Blog was going to the dogs and other animals, the pictures are back. Extremely good news, especially for those of you out there who can't read. I guess I must have posted one too many pictures of Johnny Wad.

But, with out further delay, let's get on with it and spank this monkey.

Losing sleep over counting sheep

Norman Goulet, a rancher from St. Claude, south of Portage la Prairie, Manitoba, has had his sheep rustled three times in the past three years. The latest heist took place earlier this month.

Sheep missing in Manitoba? Buddy do you need me to spell it out for you?

I’ve been to Manitoba. Outside of Siberia and Antarctica it’s the loneliest, coldest place on the planet. I bet if you checked you’d find an unexplained increase in the purchase of high heels, fishnets, and rubber boots.

At least that’s how we used to do it back on the farm.

To sleep perchance to catch an infectious disease

Paris Hilton is auctioning off her king-sized bed, mattress, crusty sheets, and scuziod pillows. The only thing missing from the bid, and for good reason, is one of those CSI black-light crime-scene kits.

Paris will donate 10% of the proceeds to charity. Wow! A whopping 10% Are you sure you can afford it Paris?

Saddly there is already extensive interest from various idiots, who I'm sure, will only want to add to the items questionable nature by jerking-off on it.

Go here be an idiot.

Paramount no longer on Cruise control

Paramount pictures has decided to sever ties with actor Tom Cruise sighting his unusual and troubling behavior over the past months. Who didn’t see this coming?......

Personally I’m not big on Cruise and his acting. His characters always seemed a bit recycled. I don’t even know why I posted this when there are more important stories out there......like.....

Moo laddie

Some Irish farmers agree their cows moo in regional dialects.

I'm not sure if they came to this conclusion sober or after several pints but.......Bessie with a baroque? Seems like a lot of bull to me.

Czech out the porn

And that’s what many Swedish viewers did when they tuned in for their nightly news cast. Images of Czech porn played on a TV monitor in the background while an unsuspecting announcer delivered the news.

I’ll bet they had record numbers of viewers the next night. After all, porn is the universal language. No subtitles needed. If they'd only let it, I'm sure it could end all conflict, heal the sick, replace all dietary supplements, give us all inspiration to get through the work week, and reveal the meaning of life.

It was a Mickey Mouse planet anyway

Scientists met this week to decide over the addition of three new planets to our solar system. At the end of the debate, they instead demoted Pluto to just another orbit thingy from its previous planet status.

I agree whole heartedly. In fact I've always maintained that.......wait for it.......
the universe should end with Uranus. *ba-dum-ba*

Echoing the gecko

Scientists are working on new super-stick, reusable adhesive. The principle is based on the millions of tiny hairs found on the gecko which allow the creature to attach itself to any surface, even glass.

Hmm.....If only Paramount had been able to get their hands of some of it, Tom Cruise might still be there.

Playing the Amazing Race card

The buzz over the new TV season is all about Survivor and how they will segregate contestants into four tribes of five, based on ethnicity: Asian, Black, Hispanic and Caucasian.

This is causing an uproar with the general public who see this as a racist, motivated move to increase ratings.

Personally I think it’s about time we had the Chinks, Jigs, Spics and that crazy Ol’ Cracker "Whitey" face one another to determine the superior race. Sieg Heil!.......

RELAX PEOPLE! IT"S A TV SHOW!.....geesh! What sensitive mother fuckers.

New Release this week: Paris (hey....It will go with your new bed.)












But I recommend: Hey Mr. Banjo........and you Survivor protesters can just fuck-off.

Pictures at eleven?

First of all, I’m staying away from the whole JonBenet Ramsey/ John Mark Karr ordeal. What could I possibly tell you that isn't already known? That he drugged and then had sex with her before "accidentally" killing the six-year-old.

Besides, I have more important rants in mind. Like suddenly, this fuckin' Blog won’t let me post pictures. WTF!

If that’s the case, I’m doomed. The pictures distract from my bad writing. Perhaps squeezing a few more seconds out of an unsuspecting browser who thought he was going to see naked chicks from Pottahawk and is searching my pages frantically to find them.

Now what the hell am I suppose to do to keep your attention? Just use harsh language?

Cock sucker!

Just friends

Jennifer Aniston would like everyone to know, her and Vince Vaughn are not engaged, and have no plans to do so. She also has no plans to have sex with a drugged six-year-old girl. It's so over done anyway.


Snakes will rake it in

"Snakes on a Plane," opened this week to much hyperbole and fanfare.

It’s such a stupid premiss. Yet, it will probably be number 1 at the box office after this weekend.....but, who the fuck cares?

I can’t post pictures!

Ok I realize I’m carrying on like a child at the zoo who’s just lost his red balloon. Which is the most important thing to him in the world....at least until he finds the chimp cages.....but it pisses me off just the same.


Another man’s garbage is your gold

A Delta airline memo to employees recommended, since pay raises were no longer imminent, ways on how to save money. This included going through other peoples trash cans for food and...........

I mean I tried and tried. I can’t get one picture up. NOT ONE!.....no way.............no deal....

You’d think with modern technology something like this wouldn’t happen. I had some really cool pics to post too. Not like the usual garbage I throw up here...... but now, forget it. It’s so last week.

Now it's a good old Goys club

The airline industry continues to struggle with new carry on implementations after last week’s foiling of a terrorist plot.

Added to the list of banned items are aerosol cans and Jews.

The aerosol cans I can see, but Jews?

Sure most Muslims have it in for Jews, however, there’s no reason to ban them from flying. I mean.......

What?....Juice you say?.....Not Jews?........Oh.......Never mind.

You can't ride this Harley anymore

Rufus Harley died this week.

"Who was Rufus Harley?" You say.

Why, only the first person ever to adapt bagpipes to jazz and play with greats like Myles Davis. In fact he was known as the "Pied piper of Jazz."

Now what are the great jazz musicians going to do when they need the Rufus sound? I guess they’ll just have to go back to tossing cats against a brick wall.

Oh, his picture's here BTW, if you want to see what he looked like.

Turning Japanese

Say hello to "Sapporo Honey Brown," after Canada’s biggest independent brewer, Sleeman’s, was bought out by Sapporo of Japan.

With the take-over, "Moosehead" is now the next best thing in Canada.

So, show your support. Be proudly Canadian and go out and get some Moosehead.

Right now, there are people from other countries reading this and wondering what sick, animal-loving, mother fuckers we are.

It’s the principle

School Principle Maria Pantelone, sister of Toronto’s deputy Mayor Joe Pantelone, was charged with throwing human feces at two children.

Personally, I don’t see what the problem is. It’s not like she told them it was chocolate and peanuts. And it’s not like she drugged and then had sex with a 6-year-old. It was just feces tossed at kids who were probably asking for it.

Hell every week on Casual Friday’s at Mitchieville City Hall, we not only wear our comfortable clothes around the Mayor’s office we often chuck bags of our own excrement at one another.

It’s a little messy I’ll admit, but hilarious all the same....wish I could post a picture of it....but you know...that old chestnut.

New release this week (picture unavailable)

But I recommend...... (picture unavailable)

Harikari-on luggage

A terrorist plot to destroy as many as ten jet airliners, on route to the U.S. in mid-flight, was thwarted this week by London police. As details were released it appeared Mohammad MacGyver had been hard at work with a plot involving explosive concoctions hidden in sport drink bottles easily detonated by ipods, or cell phones.

Now, new restrictions are in place for those traveling by air: no liquid allowed in carry-on luggage. No lubes, no KY, no vials of celebrity fecal remnants, nothing.

Personally, I never travel anywhere with out my much coveted Madonna corn textured nugget, and my phial of Brittany Speers vaginal secretions extracted from her fluffy sausage wallet.

If this keeps up, soon you won’t be able to take anything on board.......so, Snakes on a Plane? How did that happen?

With all this paranoia and security it’s going to be tough for OBL, (Osama bin Laden, not to be confused with OBJ, "One Ball Joe"), and the boys to come up with something more constructively destructive.

What’s next? I suppose they’ll inject their dicks with nitroclycerine and shove plastic explosives up their ass to be ignited with a blue dart.

But this begs the question: How are you going to fuck all those virgins in the afterlife with no penis?

However, all the hoopla is not without a positive spin as gas prices plummeted to under a buck a litre. Thank you Al Qaeda.

In other news

The new Oliver Stone picture, "World Trade Center," opened this week.

I plan on seeing it, so don’t spoil the ending for me.

Manatee in Manhatten

No it’s not a new J Lo flick. The massive animal known as a manatee was spotted in the Hudson River at least three times in the last week; first off the Chelsea and Harlem sections of Manhattan, then to the north in Sleepy Hollow in Westchester County.

Hmm.........now there's an idea. I can hear the reports on CNN already.......

"Terrorists carried out a new threat by releasing hundreds of the sea-loving creatures ladden with explosives into the sewer systems of New York causing massive destruction and loss of life......Oh the hu-manatee!"

At least it would make an entertaining film.

Say, is Samuel L. Jackson free?

As long as they're not Hobbits

A parade later this month in Auckland New Zealand will feature up to 30 porn stars riding on the back of motorcycles or in open cars to promote an erotica exposition.

Jesus! I'd love to see that.

Oh look here comes the "Ass to mouth float."

Say "chowder" Frenchy

The name and logo for the new ABA Quebec basketball franchise has come under severe scrutiny as most francophones consider it offensive. Go here and decide for yourself.

Damn frogs.....always complaining about something.

Fido may be gone but so is my acne

Dog meat has long been regarded as a stamina food in both Koreas, widely consumed on hot summer days in particular.

Well at least they don't have to worry about stepping in shit when they cut the lawn. Can ya tell I'm a cat person?

But a pro-Pyongyang newspaper in Japan reported Wednesday, dog meat has also become increasingly popular among women in North Korea because the traditional Korean delicacy is believed to be good for the skin.

That's a laugh. Everyone knows the best thing for a woman's skin is sperm, or as the Mayor refers to it, "10 CCs of man yogurt".

Shout out

It's been a while since I've increased my blog roll, but I'd like to acknowledge the newest addition: The London Fog. Check his shit out ya little buggers......well....not literally. You know what I mean.

And the Drunken Stepfather. Mainly because I'm a hit whore and he gets a ton of em. He also has a daily buffet of titty pictures......yup.....there's some good eatin'.

Abbreviated week

That’s because I, and most of the Mayor’s inner cabinet are taking off to camp Mitchieville for the weekend to plan campaign strategies. Usually that also involves the mass consumption of alcohol, imported dancing trollops, and the introduction of raw meat to flame.

After this week we need a break, as the temperature in Mitchieville reached the upper echelon destroying several records in the process.

How hot was it?

It was so hot even the drive-by shooters were keeping the windows up and the AC cranked.

Beyond Stupidome or Lethal Blunder

OK, so Mad Mel flew off the handle this week and lost it. In the process irreparably damaging his career.

I’m not going to rehash what’s already been beat to death by the media. But let me ask you this. After "The Passion of The Christ" should the Jews really be surprised at the racial slurs coming from Ol' Braveheart?

Seems Mr. Gibson can fatten the pig, he just can't bring home the bacon........damn it!...... no discourtesy meant to my Jewish friends.....Jesus!......opps....once again I apologize.

Gasalino Royal

The New Bond film, "Casino Royal," will be delayed possibly seven months, as a fire raged through the main set and destroyed much of it.

Apparently someone other than myself doesn’t think Daniel Craig would make a good Bond.

Daniel Radcliffe to expose his hairy potter

Yes-sir-ee-bob, the young rapscallion star of the Harry Potter films is set to expose his wand in a revival of Peter Shaffer's "Equus", on the London stage.

Teenage pin-up Radcliffe will play an emotionally-troubled boy prone to nudity and the blinding of horses.

Tickets are already a hot item. Get that little wizard chick to join him then we’ll talk.

For what eels ya

For more than 30 years, crowds have flocked to the small English fishing village of Lyme Regis to watch an annual tradition - two teams of fishermen standing on wooden platforms as human bowling pins, hurling a dead giant eel at each other. But the ritual was abruptly abandoned after an animal rights activist threatened to draw negative publicity to the latest tournament.

The practice, known as conger cuddling, ( funny, that's what GIGC and I call it after coitus), is the annual highlight in the small coastal town about 155 miles southwest of London. The object of the game is to knock the opposing team off the platform by swinging a 25-pound eel at them.

How will we ever go on with out this activity? I don't know about you, but I feel a little dead inside.

Bridge over the river Danube

The Hungarians are building a new bridge and are letting the public name it. With such a rich history you’d think the new bridge would be named "Pato Pal" after a character in a poem by Hungary's favourite poet Sandor Petoffi. A name synonymous with people who do not want to spend money.

Or Szent Istvan, after the founder of the Hungarian state. Sadly he is languishing in ninth place with only 2000 votes just slightly ahead of the suggestion "It'll never happen bridge."

If voting ended today, the bridge would be called....wait for it....the Chuck Norris Bridge. Is there anything he can’t do.

"On your left by the beautiful waters of Danube is the Royal Palace and if you’ll direct your attention to the right you’ll see the newly constructed Chuck Norris Bridge."

The poll closes on September 8 so get those Chuck Norris votes in now!

Waldo vs Johnny

Thanks to all those who played "Where's Johnny Wad" over the past few weeks. Although there were a few of you who failed to see the humor and stated your opinion as such. Let's just say if I were to build a bridge and have it named by a readership poll it would be called the "You suck" or "Eat my shit" bridge.

So for those of you who feel my often twisted views are not your cup, I present to you a traditional, "Where's Waldo." Enjoy.

New Release this week: Actually, it's too bloody early in the week to tell you, but I do recommend this gem. The McKeithen's- Self titiled. I think there's a fifth member but he's trapped in the Mother's hair.

Wiarton Johnny

A few weeks ago I reported the passing of Wiarton’s beloved prognosticating albino groundhog Willie. Since his untimely demise, the search has been on for Willie’s replacement, otherwise how would we ever know when Spring was coming?

I’m happy to say, after an extensive exploration, a suitable successor has been found. Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to Johnny Winter......or maybe I should say Johnny Spring?

Look at him. He looks so pensive. You can just tell Ol' Wiarton Johnny has got his mind on the arrival of next Spring already.

Ode du toilet

A source revealed to Britain's Daily Mirror newspaper that Madonna must have a new toilet seat installed, with an unbroken seal, by plumbers before every gig. It's all here if you think I'm shitting you. (no pun intended)

Madonna's US spokesperson Liz Rosenburg has defended her seemingly outrageous demands. She said: "Who wouldn't want a new toilet seat wherever they go."

The bizarre request is just one of many of the crazy tour demands. She also requires three candles to protect her from negative vibes and mean-spiritedness.

Oh, like peeing on the seat, or leaving a floater in the bowl?

The seat must also be destroyed after the performance to prevent resale on Ebay.

How will I ever complete my collection now?

I do x 4

Pam Anderson and Kid Rock will be married in Paris, and L.A., Oh, and Michigan, and let's not forget Tennessee.

Hey Pam what about Vancouver? Or are the only roots you remember at the base of that blonde mop of yours.

Later, on a date to be announced, the newlyweds will be divorced in Topeka, Mozambique, Sacramento, and Walla Walla.

I scream....how about you?

Ok, if there was any doubt about the French trying to trigger armageddon let me tell you about the new Parisian rage: mustard icecream. Oh but it doesn't stop there my friends. How about goat cheese and asparagus ice cream?

Don't know about you, but I’m getting ideas of the perfect wedding gift for Pam and Kid.

With a name like Lance did you expect any different?

Lance Bass, former NSYNC member has announced he's gay. Is anyone surprised by this?

I mean let's just look at what's in a name shall we?

Lance: A long spear-like weapon with a wooden shaft and pointed steel head used for piercing your opponent when charging. Nuff said.

So much for the model marriage

Christie Brinkley has left husband Peter Cook after it was disclosed he had an affair with an 18 year old assistant. Cook has since publically stated it was "stupid" and he's "sorry" in an effort to win back his model wife, saying, "the next time something like this happens, I'll feel even more stupid and twice as sorry."

Yawn

The results are in and it appears that bazillions watched the World Cup the most boring game on the planet.....alright maybe it's slightly better than Rock-Paper-Scissors.

All this tells me is soccer fans are easily amused.

Man headbutts horse

First Zinedine Zidane, now this. See, what did I tell you about soccer fans.

Hey Buddy keep your shirt on

The Brits are trying to pass a law where fat guys have to keep their shirts on in public apparently with the recent heat in many parts of the globe, the beer-bellies have been ubiquitous especially on the streets of London.

Maybe we need something similar here to combat the exposure of the Molson-muscle? It would be a nice compliment to the law already in effect where women are allowed to take their shirts off.

Reality check

Monopoly is releasing a new updated version of the game in a effort to make it more realistic with today’s audience.

Players will now collect 2 million for passing go.

Oh yeah that's much more realistic.

Gone is the multicolored money among other staples of the original. Players will now use credit cards and swipe for transactions. Community chest "beauty contest" will be replaced with "reality show winner," etc.

Personally I think they should take it a step further if they want the realism. With 2 mill for passing go, I think you should be shot at or robbed when you move your piece through the slummy areas. You should also be able to set up grow-ops and sell drugs to your opponents when they land on your space......get back to me when they make those changes.

What’s up Docks

Famed Toronto nightclub "The Docks" had their liquor licence pulled this week after continuous complaints from Toronto Island residents over noise levels.

Let's look at this logically. 600 people reside on Toronto Island and pay like zilch in taxes. Where as, the Docks pays millions into govenment coffers annually, employs a staff of 400, contributes to tourism, local economy, provides kittens for the homeless, and I speak from experience, is by far a more exciting place to be.

Seems to me the choice is obvious....The Docks has to go......Long live the Evil Empire!

He's not just political, he makes a hell of a rib

Two very sticky thumbs up to the Mississauga Ribfest GIGC and I attended last weekend.

My favorite, hands down was Turtle Jack’s half-rack although honorable mention goes to The Mayor of Mitchieville confident Fenris Badwolf for his chicken and rib combo with all the fixin’s

Great Big Hep C

This week the Canadian Federal Government announced more compensation for what they called "the silent victims" of the tainted blood scandle in which thousands of Canadians contracted Hepititis C while receiving transfusions. As per usual I have a comment on the subject.

*spotlight*

*thumping beat*

Sometimes I feel....I’ve got to (bomp bomp)...find away
To get some (bomp bomp)...free money
For all the pain hep is causing me

The pain we share..... seems to go nowhere
Cause my heatlth it fades....and my bills aren’t paid which makes me afraid

Once I ran to you....I ran ....Now I run from you

This tainted blood you’ve given
Doesn’t make my life worth livin'
Take my tainted blood and then give me cash

Tainted blood ohwohohwoh Tainted blood
My bad kidneys are bringin’ me down to my knees
And my liver is nearly dead and I’ve been passed over like unleavened bread.

Tainted blood.....TAINTED BLOOD.

New release this week: Stone Sour- Come What (ever) May

But I recommend:

I Ain't Into That!

The Rappin' Reverend Dr. C. Dexter Wise III

Free copies for people who live on Toronto Island.

So much for the $750,000

Last week, when GIGC and I were at our palatial estate on the banks of Lake St. Clair, Keith Urban, with his new bride Nicole Kidman in tow, was performing, in of all places, Sarnia’s Bayfest. It was his first live gig since their blessed nuptials.

Not only that, but the paparazzi were in full force trying to capture a picture of the two practicing CPR on one another.

Apparently such a picture was worth 750,000 smackers.

Not one to pass up a financial opportunity like this, I wanted to join the fray.

Despite her protests, as I had to stand on her shoulders and eventually her head, GIGC agreed to help me. With great effort and one final push of my foot to her forehead, I managed to scale the wall surrounding their honeymoon compound.

Dropping to the ground with an audible grunt, I found myself in the back stage area marked "Resticted access! No cameras, or flash photography". Through 50 feet of razor wire, 4 hungry pitbulls, and an angry henchman named Todd, I stealthly navigated my way into forbidden territory.

Finally the quest for the Grail was nearing the end. There they stood just off to the left of the stage, their hands with fingers entwined, their eyes locked in a passionate gaze, ready to engage in a moment of intamacy.

Sweating and bleeding profusely, I struggled to lift my camera with broken arms, (thanks a bunch Todd), to get the picture of Keith and Nicloe’s much sought after lip-lock. An image that had eluded so many of the professional photographers.

And now, I'm happy to say, here is the picture of the tonsil-hockey exclusively for you my readership.

They're right there! I swear! Look at the guy in the blue shirt. He saw them. Does he not look like he's gazing in awe at the eternal spring of new love?

Anyway, send cheque or money order to Strange, care of strangedaze101.blogspot.com. 10% of the proceeds will go to the youth organization Children for a Better Mitchieville

Have I got a deal for you

Well, actually you have to be Canadian, so it’s really not for everyone. But It’s a deal for virtually a free cruise. Doesn't that sound appealing?....the only catch?

You have to find your own way to Lebanon.

Que Sera Sera

Trying to keep punks from hanging out and street racing, a municipality in Australia has resorted to blaring the music of Barry Manilow and Doris Day to curb the youth activity. It has worked tremendously except people who live in the area keep moving too....Yeah to the Copacabana I'll bet.

More death please

Originally I was going to post this last week but I couldn’t stop laughing until now.

Ok, I’ll admit death isn’t funny, especially for family and friends effected by the loss. And it wasn’t the guy's death that I found funny. It was the media coverage of the event that had me all shits and giggles.

You see the man in question was found by his wife, shot in the head, and with another male also shot in the head......I know, I know. It's still not hilarious.

However, it turned out the other deceased male companion was a transvestite. Again not funny for friends and family.

Now, I must have heard the report a dozen times the day it happened, and it was always reported the same way.

"Man found shot to death with TRANSVESTITE"

It’s not bad enough the poor little bugger has come to some foul end at the hands of another, he will forever be known as the guy who died with a "TRANSVESTITE".

Canadian Bakin’

Boy, there have been some mighty humid days of late, and torrential downpours to go with it.

I find it strange. Every time we have a storm or, even unsettled weather, there are a flood of calls to report funnel clouds and tornados touching down.

When did we start getting all these tornados? When I was growing up I can remember maybe two. One in Barrie and one in Saskatchewan when I was out that way.

Now they’re everywhere. Ripping the roofs off houses, overturning vehicles, stealing cigarettes....it’s ridiculous.

*Breaking News* "Man found dead with TRANSVESTITE!"......admit it. It made you laugh.

They’re together...they’re apart...they’re together again.

Avril Lavigne married that guy this week.....You know the one I mean?.......I don’t know his name....the guy from Simple Plan Blink 41.....or some such......ah who cares?

Dave Navaro split from Carmen Electra this week or maybe it was the other way around......that's Carmen on the left I think...... Anyhoo at least Dennis Rodman’s still out there isn’t he?

Wonder if Dave would be interested?


Pamala Anderson has announced not only is she back with Kid Rock she’s going to marry him. Man......He must beat the hell out of her. I can’t see any other reason she’d be back with him. Do you?

Sorry I couldn't find a picture of her sporting bruises, but it's obvious from this image, she's just taken a roundhouse to the face from Kid.





The Drive-in: It’s not just for making out anymore

Yes friends the Ol’ Drive-in is making a comeback, or at least that’s what I’m hearing. With first run movies, go-carts, arcades, up-graded sound systems and better dining choices, (what’s wrong with the old hotdog machines and stale popcorn?), they are making a pitch to be more family friendly.

You know what? Just call me when they put in the Rub-and-Tugs.

It’s a hole in one....a hole in one....a hole in one

No there isn’t an echo in here, that’s what some guy.....ok his name is Stewart got when he was golfing in Edinburgh. Three hole in ones, in three consecutive weeks on the same hole at his local golf course using his trusty nine iron.

I’m told the odds of this happening are 2 trillion to one.

Oh yeah! I say big deal....why just last week when I was playing with GIGC I got three consecutive hole-in-ones on the same hole. And that my friends is by using the same club, (sometimes I call it my trusy nine iron), and the balls I always use....top that.

New release: Muse- Black Holes and Revelations












But I recommend: John Bult- Julie's Sixteenth Birthday

It's full of beer, smokes and hurtin' music. Check it out.

Shit! It's got to be better than a cocktail of Barry Manilow and Doris Day.....