Where's Johnny Wad #362
Where's Johnny Wad #879
Where's Johnny Wad #1564
Where's Johnny Wad infinity + 1
Where's Johnny Wad Platinum Series
Shit he's just not trying anymore.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Johnny Wad is still hiding....can you find him?
Where's Johnny Wad # 27
Where's Johnny Wad #362
Where's Johnny Wad #879
Where's Johnny Wad #1564
Where's Johnny Wad infinity + 1
Where's Johnny Wad Platinum Series
Shit he's just not trying anymore.
Where's Johnny Wad #362
Where's Johnny Wad #879
Where's Johnny Wad #1564
Where's Johnny Wad infinity + 1
Where's Johnny Wad Platinum Series
Shit he's just not trying anymore.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Monday, July 17, 2006
Find Johnny Wad
Alright children. It's time to play the Pottahawk game, "Where's Johnny Wad?" It's similar to "Where's Waldo?" I'll give you a picture of Pottahawk and somewhere in that photo you have to find Johnny Wad.
I'm going to start you off with a couple of easy ones.....ah who am I kiddin'?....there all easy. If they weren't easy, they wouldn't be funny.
So, in the words of Marty DeBergi, "Enough of my yakin'. What do you say? Let's boogie."
Find Johnny Wad #1
Find Johnny Wad #2
I'm going to start you off with a couple of easy ones.....ah who am I kiddin'?....there all easy. If they weren't easy, they wouldn't be funny.
So, in the words of Marty DeBergi, "Enough of my yakin'. What do you say? Let's boogie."
Find Johnny Wad #1
Find Johnny Wad #2
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Week of death
I'll explain later from our retreat on the banks of lake St. Clair.......and if you haven't already, scroll down for the Pottahawk Piss-up Pics.
Shine on you crazy diamond
By now anyone who is, or was a Pink Floyd fan, has learned of the passing of Floyd co-founder Syd Barrett who died this week at the age of 60.
Damn it! It doesn't stop there. You've got Israel at loggerheads with the Lebanese blowing shit up with people dying.
You've got three dead from a Canadian Helicopter crash while it was on a training mission. What are the odds of a 50 year old helicopter crashing? God help us if we ever go to war.
You've even got the North Koreans killing innocent fish by lobbing missiles into the Sea of Japan.
Apparently India's the bomb, as a terrorist strike on the subway system there killed 140 plus. Frickin' idiots. Didn't they realize it's no longer called Bombay?
Do I have to rant on? Red Buttons, The Who back from the grave for a new tour, the frickin' death of celebrity groundhog Wiarton Willie.......It's all so depressing. Death everywhere. Despite Walmarts declaration, they will no longer prosecute shoplifters who snatch items under $25, I can't help but feeling this world is going to hell in a hand basket.
Is it any wonder Canada didn't crack the top 100 of happiest nations in the Happy Planet Index? We finished 111 mostly do to complaints like those above. In fact, no G8 country slipped into the top 50. Italy fared best at 66th BTW.
Do you know the happiest place to live on this earth? Well, do ya punk!?
Vanuatu! That's where! Where the fuck is Vanuatu?!
Jesus, all they need now is a frickin' Walmart where they can steal stuff and there'll be no catching those happy bastards.
New release this week:
Thom Yorke- The Eraser
But I recommend:
Joyce
Why? Because first, it's cheap. See! Only 50 cents. Secondly, she also sounds remarkably like Thom Yorke yet looks like someone put Leo Sayer and Richard Simmons in a Brundle Pod together......*shudder*
You just can't buy entertainment value like that anymore.
Shine on you crazy diamond
By now anyone who is, or was a Pink Floyd fan, has learned of the passing of Floyd co-founder Syd Barrett who died this week at the age of 60.
Damn it! It doesn't stop there. You've got Israel at loggerheads with the Lebanese blowing shit up with people dying.
You've got three dead from a Canadian Helicopter crash while it was on a training mission. What are the odds of a 50 year old helicopter crashing? God help us if we ever go to war.
You've even got the North Koreans killing innocent fish by lobbing missiles into the Sea of Japan.
Apparently India's the bomb, as a terrorist strike on the subway system there killed 140 plus. Frickin' idiots. Didn't they realize it's no longer called Bombay?
Do I have to rant on? Red Buttons, The Who back from the grave for a new tour, the frickin' death of celebrity groundhog Wiarton Willie.......It's all so depressing. Death everywhere. Despite Walmarts declaration, they will no longer prosecute shoplifters who snatch items under $25, I can't help but feeling this world is going to hell in a hand basket.
Is it any wonder Canada didn't crack the top 100 of happiest nations in the Happy Planet Index? We finished 111 mostly do to complaints like those above. In fact, no G8 country slipped into the top 50. Italy fared best at 66th BTW.
Do you know the happiest place to live on this earth? Well, do ya punk!?
Vanuatu! That's where! Where the fuck is Vanuatu?!
Jesus, all they need now is a frickin' Walmart where they can steal stuff and there'll be no catching those happy bastards.
New release this week:
Thom Yorke- The EraserBut I recommend:
JoyceWhy? Because first, it's cheap. See! Only 50 cents. Secondly, she also sounds remarkably like Thom Yorke yet looks like someone put Leo Sayer and Richard Simmons in a Brundle Pod together......*shudder*
You just can't buy entertainment value like that anymore.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Pottahawk Piss-up 2006 revisited
Ok! Here are some of the pictures from Pottahawk......now quit buggin' me.
6:00 AM- It's still early
6:00 AM- It's still early
Back from the grave. Again we were blessed with the presence of Johnny Wad. Wow! It just goes to show you the power of a freakishly large male appendage.
Hey Ladies! Yeah, but from the front they look like Richard Branson's father. Go here to see what I mean.
Tennille greases Strange up. There's no a girlie alive that can out-swim a greased Scotsman.
One for Tennille Either the Captain got a little too close to the chip-dip, or Tennille put the 40 sunscreen on her vagina again.
A gaggle of Waifs.....it's called a gaggle right? Or is it a flock of quim? All I know is, I ended up beating my dick like it owed me money.
Concerned party goers try to avoid angry, giant, floating head.
He's still standing. I'm not sure Johnny has any legs? Is it just me, or does the water below him look suspiciously yellow?
Gilligan, the Professor and Mary Ann. Despite best efforts with the Boz Special, we could not surpass the point of inebriation by Stu 10:17 . I think it was shortly after 11:00 before we threw out the first drunk....
Bill and Ted's Excellent Pottahawk Adventure
Under duress at knife point, I was forced to take this picture for the ladies.
"Hey Dude! Check it. Where are ya?......next to the white boat?.....cool......we're on our way."
One for Strange. Ok, the zoom on my camera sucks ass. But forget that.....who wears jeans to Pottahawk....honestly?
Awwwww! So cute......and they were yummy on the B.B.Q. too.
Save a horse ride a Cowgirl? Works for me.
Entering Broadway three strings of beads short and four beers empty.
Note: Still waiting for the rest of the pictures including the one of GIGC and I. Sorry the x-rated ones are for subscribers only. However, come back next week to play the Pottahawk game, "Where's Johnny Wad?"
Otherwise I'll see you in 2007 for "Pottahawk - The Musical."
Here's a sample:
Beads.....beads for sale
They're going cheap......only two dollars
Beads....yes these beads for sale
Or show me your breasts....and they're yours for nothing
It's sure to be a big hit on Broadway.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Told ya I'd be here
I didn’t have a lot of time to get to Blog this week people, Pottahawk called and I had to answer. So everything may seem a little rushed after the fact and I do apologize.
First things first. Pottahawk was once again the ultimate spectacle GIGC and I have come to expect. We even stayed around at the end with an entourage of spectators and judges as drunken neophytes tried to haul their various water savvy crafts out from the boat launch. I should have packed a lunch.
I will endeavor to have the pics up at sometime this week. However, it seems I am in desperate need of a memory card as I inexplicably ran out of memory before noon.
One further note: Bob Noxious’s record of 10:17 AM still stands. No one seemed to surpass inebriation by that tick on the clock.
The week belated
Ken Lay the founder of Enron died of a heart attack last week. He was awaiting sentencing that would have sent him to the big house for the rest of his life anyway.
Someone must have mentioned he was going to get fucked in the ass when he got to prison. I’d probably have a heart attack too.
Kicking the habit
Did you hear about the guy in Germany who’s been chaining soccer balls to lampposts and trees with a sign that says, "Can you kick it"?
It looks very much like a promotion for a shoe manufacturer, or the World Cup in general. That is, until you try kicking the ball and discover it’s full of concrete.
Many broken bones have led to a massive search for the mischievous little fuck who put them there in the first place.
My money's on French captain Zidane.
It's all bull
If breaking your foot on a concrete soccer ball isn’t your style, there’s always the running of the bulls in Pamplona. Already there have been several severe injuries. One American participant is now partially paralyzed.
And I thought I was taking my life into my hands at Pottahawk.
I'll have it in the sugar cone please
Initially I heard this wrong. A new ice cream called, "Old Sweat" conjured up visions of smelly gym socks served in a cone with chocolate chunks and praline. Then I realized, it was a new ice cream called, "Cold Sweat," with ingredients like jalapeno and scotch bonnet peppers.
Happy birthday, fuck you
George W. Turned 60 last week.
New Release last week:
Billy Talent II
But I recommend:
Country Church- Self Titled.
If I'm not mistaken, I think they were the house band at the Turkey Point Marina this weekend past.
I can hadly wait for the follow-up: Takin' the "O" out of "Country."
First things first. Pottahawk was once again the ultimate spectacle GIGC and I have come to expect. We even stayed around at the end with an entourage of spectators and judges as drunken neophytes tried to haul their various water savvy crafts out from the boat launch. I should have packed a lunch.
I will endeavor to have the pics up at sometime this week. However, it seems I am in desperate need of a memory card as I inexplicably ran out of memory before noon.
One further note: Bob Noxious’s record of 10:17 AM still stands. No one seemed to surpass inebriation by that tick on the clock.
The week belated
Ken Lay the founder of Enron died of a heart attack last week. He was awaiting sentencing that would have sent him to the big house for the rest of his life anyway.
Someone must have mentioned he was going to get fucked in the ass when he got to prison. I’d probably have a heart attack too.
Kicking the habit
Did you hear about the guy in Germany who’s been chaining soccer balls to lampposts and trees with a sign that says, "Can you kick it"?
It looks very much like a promotion for a shoe manufacturer, or the World Cup in general. That is, until you try kicking the ball and discover it’s full of concrete.
Many broken bones have led to a massive search for the mischievous little fuck who put them there in the first place.
My money's on French captain Zidane.
It's all bull
If breaking your foot on a concrete soccer ball isn’t your style, there’s always the running of the bulls in Pamplona. Already there have been several severe injuries. One American participant is now partially paralyzed.
And I thought I was taking my life into my hands at Pottahawk.
I'll have it in the sugar cone please
Initially I heard this wrong. A new ice cream called, "Old Sweat" conjured up visions of smelly gym socks served in a cone with chocolate chunks and praline. Then I realized, it was a new ice cream called, "Cold Sweat," with ingredients like jalapeno and scotch bonnet peppers.
Tell me what’s the difference if you eat an old gym sock or, eat this and wait til your ass explodes?
Happy birthday, fuck you
George W. Turned 60 last week.
All I have to say is, can you imagine sex with a 60 year old bush? Sorry to ruin your weekend.
New Release last week:
Billy Talent IIBut I recommend:
Country Church- Self Titled.If I'm not mistaken, I think they were the house band at the Turkey Point Marina this weekend past.
I can hadly wait for the follow-up: Takin' the "O" out of "Country."
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Let the drinking commence
I'm off to Pottahawk people, so no Blog til monday. Until then, play safe children.
Monday, July 03, 2006
6 more sleeps til Pottahawk
Last week, GIGC and I went to see NIN at the Molson Amphitheater. As the night progressed I was astonished at how much knowledge she had ingested concerning Trent Reznor the dour Goth God, and lead singer of Nails.
A year ago, if I had mentioned Nine Inch Nails, she would have wondered what porno it was.
Now, twelve months removed, GIGC sang along with every song, and informed me Trent was wearing his lucky socks- green his favorite color.
At one point she yelled at me, "Did you know Trent has just joined PETA?" Or maybe she was telling me she was hungry and wanted a pita? I never really got confirmation.
Without sling-shotting her underwear on stage, she is the closest thing I've seen to a groupie in some time.
It was at this point I started to wonder, what would it be like if GIGC had her own Blog and what would be on it from day to day.
With that in mind I offer you excerpts from the fictional Blog of GIGC.
Girl In Guy's Clothing Blog:
A year ago, if I had mentioned Nine Inch Nails, she would have wondered what porno it was.
Now, twelve months removed, GIGC sang along with every song, and informed me Trent was wearing his lucky socks- green his favorite color.
At one point she yelled at me, "Did you know Trent has just joined PETA?" Or maybe she was telling me she was hungry and wanted a pita? I never really got confirmation.
Without sling-shotting her underwear on stage, she is the closest thing I've seen to a groupie in some time.
It was at this point I started to wonder, what would it be like if GIGC had her own Blog and what would be on it from day to day.
With that in mind I offer you excerpts from the fictional Blog of GIGC.
Girl In Guy's Clothing Blog:
What Trent did today 
He got up
Brushed teeth
Defecated
Brushed teeth again
Put on his lucky green socks
Ate some toast......
When the Saints go marchin' in
Say hello to the New Orleans Saints. Your next Super Bowl Champions and why.....
Let’s start with Deuce, Reggie Bush and the newly acquired Drew Brees, throw Joe Horn into the mix and I defy anyone to tell me the Saints won’t win it all next year......come on.....yeah....well you’re wrong! SO WRONG! *smacks hand on table*
And I’ll tell you why. Let’s start with Deuce, Reggie Bush and the newly acquired......
Picture of the day 
Video link of the day
http://www.forgetfoo.com/?blogid=6066
Poker in the front liquor in the rear
You know what really bugs me about playing Texas Hold em on line? Those stupid idiots who go all-in every hand. It’s poker not super-lotto.
And then theres those other idiots who take forever to make a decision. It’s two cards buddy not a frickin’ book!
Oh and those guys who pull out a "flush" on "the river" after you've bet everything you have on "trips". God, I hate that! *smacks table again*
Then there’s the poker Nazi’s who bully you when they have nothing and.......
Cooking with GIGC
Today I’m going to tell you how to make Deviled Eggs alla D. First you need two dozen eggs...real mayo......Hey! I said REAL mayo, NOT Miracle Whip. What are ya deaf? *smacks table with both hands*.... You also need paprika, mustard, and a bottle of tequila.
Once you have everything, you boil the eggs. While you're waiting, make yourself a drink....actually make that a shot.....ok two shots........wait! Two shots and a Rye and Ginger. Then you take the.........
Tomorrow: New Cat Football League.....CFL
Ricky William's agent talking contract with the Newport Battle Cats.
Saturday, July 01, 2006
This week's secret word is.....
This week, I wondered aloud why my hits had increased ten fold.
At first I thought the Mayor had linked me again, (which he did), throwing me a few of his faithful, like a bone to a ravenous dog. After all, he gets....like a bazillion hits a day. But the traffic I received was too great even for such an occurrence.
Scouring my referrals I discovered the secret word, "Pottahawk," had again lit the fires of the search engines like an angry hemorrhoid in search of relief, and since I seem to be prevalent in the "Pottahawk" category....voi-la...the world came knocking.
Don't believe me? Type "Pottahawk into a search engine and see where old Strange comes up. Go on! I dare ya. I double dog dare ya.......oh and while you're there click on the link to see if it takes you here ok.
Pottahawk.....yes children it is fast approaching that time of the year when the sweet sound of opening beer cans, and the yelps of drenched vixens, mix with the relentless sun in a waist-high soup of blue water turned to brown by the churning of frolicking feet with a vague dash of urine.
2200 vessels, of various shapes and sizes, bobbing up and down in the festive waters of Turkey Point with the symbolism of an orgy of oral chaos, can only be described with one word.... heaven.
Sadly, and unfortunately for our group of lunatics, the next "best day ever" will have to wait yet again.
I think Roy Schieder said it best in "Jaws," when he mused, "We’re gonna need a bigger boat."
For the time being, the event for us is relegated to a lottery, which I’ll admit, with some shame, is hopelessly tainted in nepotism.
Therefore I, and GIGC will once again be the lone representatives to view the craziness.
Insanity that involves blow-up doll beer fridges, 100 metre swim-offs, (very difficult in 2 ft of water), and displays of topless synchronized swimming every five minutes.
My promise to you is, I will do my best to remain sober enough to capture this Mardi gras on water in the magic of digital photography...stay tunned..
This week by the numbers
2......the number of Krispy Kreme halves in the new "Burger Donut," touted as "Baseballs best burger." No it’s true...it’s all here if you think I actually sit around and make up this shit.
It was discovered by Luther Vandross.....say, isn't he dead?..... As the story goes, one night when he was hungry and didn’t have any buns to lovingly wrap around his burger, he used the donut, added two slices of bacon and a slice of sharp cheddar.....bingo! A massive coronary in the making.
This creation will be followed by the "Donut make you feel like dancing," topped with sugar for the added rush, and the "Every picture tells a story Donut," when they have to knock down a wall of your house to cart your fat ass away on a forklift.
30.....how old the CN Tower and the comic strip Ziggy turned this week.
139....today Canada is considerably older than the CN Tower and Ziggy.
0....the number of grams of fat in the new hybrid burger, probably made from soy and cardboard....fuck...just give me the "donut burger," and let me die happy.
8 the number of days left to put up with the celebratory concerto of car horns, flag waving and rowdy soccer hooligans. Then I can have four more years of peace.
2,000,000....the amount the Canadian Conservative government allegedly withheld as campaign contributions.......Our government is dishonest? Who didn't see that coming?
13.....the number of bags of cocaine found in Boy George’s apartment when he erroneously reported a robbery at his London flat. He's currently raking leaves to fulfill his community service....and yes.....I still want to hurt you.
16..... how old the lovable Jack Russell, "Eddie" was when he passed away this week......Everyone together now.......Awwwwwwwwww.
28,000,000....that was money well spent....on the Theatre production of "Lord of the Rings" that announced this week, it will be closing Sept. 3rd, after only six months of performance.
They are moving the production to London for 2007......After seeing this adapted version of J.R.R.’s beloved masterpiece, I just have to say I think London’s already had enough bombs.
At least they are setting out to accomplish what they set out to do, albeit in a round about way, .....destroy the ring.
23 the number of stars that will be handed out in 2007 on the Walk of Fame. Among those to be immortalized are Kiefer Sutherland, P. Diddy, Jamie Foxx, Mariah Carey, and.......Eric Estrada? Really?
Hey, If you ever wanted to walk all over the former C.H.I.P.S star, here’s your chance.
New release this week: Cut Chemist- The Audience's Listening
B
ut I recommend: She's A Big Lass, She's a Bonny Lass by Johnny Handle affectionately known to his friends as "Love Handle"
Is that the forklift I hear revving up?
At first I thought the Mayor had linked me again, (which he did), throwing me a few of his faithful, like a bone to a ravenous dog. After all, he gets....like a bazillion hits a day. But the traffic I received was too great even for such an occurrence.
Scouring my referrals I discovered the secret word, "Pottahawk," had again lit the fires of the search engines like an angry hemorrhoid in search of relief, and since I seem to be prevalent in the "Pottahawk" category....voi-la...the world came knocking.
Don't believe me? Type "Pottahawk into a search engine and see where old Strange comes up. Go on! I dare ya. I double dog dare ya.......oh and while you're there click on the link to see if it takes you here ok.
Pottahawk.....yes children it is fast approaching that time of the year when the sweet sound of opening beer cans, and the yelps of drenched vixens, mix with the relentless sun in a waist-high soup of blue water turned to brown by the churning of frolicking feet with a vague dash of urine.
2200 vessels, of various shapes and sizes, bobbing up and down in the festive waters of Turkey Point with the symbolism of an orgy of oral chaos, can only be described with one word.... heaven.
Sadly, and unfortunately for our group of lunatics, the next "best day ever" will have to wait yet again.
I think Roy Schieder said it best in "Jaws," when he mused, "We’re gonna need a bigger boat."
For the time being, the event for us is relegated to a lottery, which I’ll admit, with some shame, is hopelessly tainted in nepotism.
Therefore I, and GIGC will once again be the lone representatives to view the craziness.
Insanity that involves blow-up doll beer fridges, 100 metre swim-offs, (very difficult in 2 ft of water), and displays of topless synchronized swimming every five minutes.
My promise to you is, I will do my best to remain sober enough to capture this Mardi gras on water in the magic of digital photography...stay tunned..
This week by the numbers
2......the number of Krispy Kreme halves in the new "Burger Donut," touted as "Baseballs best burger." No it’s true...it’s all here if you think I actually sit around and make up this shit.
It was discovered by Luther Vandross.....say, isn't he dead?..... As the story goes, one night when he was hungry and didn’t have any buns to lovingly wrap around his burger, he used the donut, added two slices of bacon and a slice of sharp cheddar.....bingo! A massive coronary in the making.
This creation will be followed by the "Donut make you feel like dancing," topped with sugar for the added rush, and the "Every picture tells a story Donut," when they have to knock down a wall of your house to cart your fat ass away on a forklift.
30.....how old the CN Tower and the comic strip Ziggy turned this week.
139....today Canada is considerably older than the CN Tower and Ziggy.
0....the number of grams of fat in the new hybrid burger, probably made from soy and cardboard....fuck...just give me the "donut burger," and let me die happy.
8 the number of days left to put up with the celebratory concerto of car horns, flag waving and rowdy soccer hooligans. Then I can have four more years of peace.
2,000,000....the amount the Canadian Conservative government allegedly withheld as campaign contributions.......Our government is dishonest? Who didn't see that coming?
13.....the number of bags of cocaine found in Boy George’s apartment when he erroneously reported a robbery at his London flat. He's currently raking leaves to fulfill his community service....and yes.....I still want to hurt you.
16..... how old the lovable Jack Russell, "Eddie" was when he passed away this week......Everyone together now.......Awwwwwwwwww.
28,000,000....that was money well spent....on the Theatre production of "Lord of the Rings" that announced this week, it will be closing Sept. 3rd, after only six months of performance.
They are moving the production to London for 2007......After seeing this adapted version of J.R.R.’s beloved masterpiece, I just have to say I think London’s already had enough bombs.
At least they are setting out to accomplish what they set out to do, albeit in a round about way, .....destroy the ring.
23 the number of stars that will be handed out in 2007 on the Walk of Fame. Among those to be immortalized are Kiefer Sutherland, P. Diddy, Jamie Foxx, Mariah Carey, and.......Eric Estrada? Really?
Hey, If you ever wanted to walk all over the former C.H.I.P.S star, here’s your chance.
New release this week: Cut Chemist- The Audience's Listening
B
ut I recommend: She's A Big Lass, She's a Bonny Lass by Johnny Handle affectionately known to his friends as "Love Handle"Is that the forklift I hear revving up?
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Spring into summer
Summer officially arrived Wednesday. Hooray. With the constantly changing weather we are now privy to, fall will be here next week. Enjoy.
Swallow my pride
This week marked the kick off of Pride Week in the Big Smoke culminating with the Gay Pride Parade this Sunday. Since it’s inception, the event has grown to world class stature and is considered the best of its kind anywhere.
I just welcome the chance once a year to dust off my ass-less leather chaps and get out there to mingle.
May I be of assistance?
A study released this week says, Toronto is the third politist city in the world right behind Zurich and New York.......Wait a minute.....New York? That can’t be right?
Personally, having been to both Zurich and New York and living in Toronto, I think they’re all wrong. The most considerate city has to be Mitchieville. Do New Yorkers wipe your ass when you use a public stall? Why even the Mayor himself has been right there at the urinal to give me a helpful shake and a zip up.
You can't beat that type of civility.
Hurricane Stanley
This definitely is hurricane season, as Lord Stanley’s mug now resides in the Carolinas. That’s twice in a row a team from Alberta has lost to one south of the Mason Dixon Line in a place where ice is still more popular in a margarita. Ouch!
Montreal Madonna madness
Madonna played two sold out shows in Montreal this week. People flew in from as far away as Florida and Calgary and paid over $600 a ticket to see her perform. Not only that, they hung out in droves outside her hotel. People will do anything to catch a glimpse of celebrities. That’s idiotic.
Say......I have a potato wedge that has the profile of David Hasselhoff....I’ll take less than $600 for it. Any takers? Bueller, anyone?
F U
Fisherman's University that is.
In an effort to make killing lobsters more humane, and alleviate the stress of the crustacean, the East Coast has instituted, "Lobster University." This is all in an effort to teach lobster fishermen there are alternatives to killing lobsters besides, spear guns, baseball bats, soup ladels, and bigger spear guns. They’ve even set up lobster condos to help relax the animal before it's boiled alive. Although the preferred method is now electric shock.
Either way, all I have to say is, get the butter.
Fountain of you
Pfizer has developed a new pill. It’s effect is meant to keep your body youthful and virile with minimal muscle loss.
Isn’t there already something like this out there?
It’s called Viagra.
Golden age of consent
The government just raised the legal age of consent to 16 from 14. It replaces a 100 year old law in hopes to stop sexual deviants from preying on young girls.
That makes sense. A 45 year old man with a 14 year old girl is just sick. A 45 year old man with a 16 year old girl is much more acceptable. Bravo! Bravo!
I just got carded
The government is also implementing other changes for our protection. Retailers will no longer be allowed to have expiration dates on gift cards.
This is not good news.
You see in the past I’ve looked like a hero to my friends. I have a guy, ( we'll call him Eduardo). Well, Eduardo supplies me with expired gift certificates. For $10 bucks I can get something in the $400.00 range. Pretty sweet deal.
I pass them along inside cards to the exuberant faces of friends and family on birthdays and Christmas with their unified chorus of, "Oh! You shouldn’t haves," and "this is too much."
Yet, I am also a loyal shoulder to cry on and a voice of disgust and anger when the store tells them the card is expired.
Now what am I going to do? Buy real gifts? I don't think so.
This little piggy broke in pieces
A new study shows, most parents have stolen from their kids piggy banks at one time or another to pay bills, or get gas money, or pay the bookie.
Women are considered twice as likely to break the bank as it were than men. Some don’t even return the money once it’s been taken.
I’m absolutely appalled. What kind of role model are you establishing. There is no excuse to do this. Unless.....you’re short cash for hookers and blow....and let me stress it should never be more than once a week.
New release this week: Dashboard Confessional - Dusk and Summer
but I recommend:
Millie Jackson- E.S.P.- Wow! What can I say about this album.......wait a minute......you know what I'm thinking.
Swallow my pride
This week marked the kick off of Pride Week in the Big Smoke culminating with the Gay Pride Parade this Sunday. Since it’s inception, the event has grown to world class stature and is considered the best of its kind anywhere.
I just welcome the chance once a year to dust off my ass-less leather chaps and get out there to mingle.
May I be of assistance?
A study released this week says, Toronto is the third politist city in the world right behind Zurich and New York.......Wait a minute.....New York? That can’t be right?
Personally, having been to both Zurich and New York and living in Toronto, I think they’re all wrong. The most considerate city has to be Mitchieville. Do New Yorkers wipe your ass when you use a public stall? Why even the Mayor himself has been right there at the urinal to give me a helpful shake and a zip up.
You can't beat that type of civility.
Hurricane Stanley
This definitely is hurricane season, as Lord Stanley’s mug now resides in the Carolinas. That’s twice in a row a team from Alberta has lost to one south of the Mason Dixon Line in a place where ice is still more popular in a margarita. Ouch!
Montreal Madonna madness
Madonna played two sold out shows in Montreal this week. People flew in from as far away as Florida and Calgary and paid over $600 a ticket to see her perform. Not only that, they hung out in droves outside her hotel. People will do anything to catch a glimpse of celebrities. That’s idiotic.
Say......I have a potato wedge that has the profile of David Hasselhoff....I’ll take less than $600 for it. Any takers? Bueller, anyone?
F U
Fisherman's University that is.
In an effort to make killing lobsters more humane, and alleviate the stress of the crustacean, the East Coast has instituted, "Lobster University." This is all in an effort to teach lobster fishermen there are alternatives to killing lobsters besides, spear guns, baseball bats, soup ladels, and bigger spear guns. They’ve even set up lobster condos to help relax the animal before it's boiled alive. Although the preferred method is now electric shock.
Either way, all I have to say is, get the butter.
Fountain of you
Pfizer has developed a new pill. It’s effect is meant to keep your body youthful and virile with minimal muscle loss.
Isn’t there already something like this out there?
It’s called Viagra.
Golden age of consent
The government just raised the legal age of consent to 16 from 14. It replaces a 100 year old law in hopes to stop sexual deviants from preying on young girls.
That makes sense. A 45 year old man with a 14 year old girl is just sick. A 45 year old man with a 16 year old girl is much more acceptable. Bravo! Bravo!
I just got carded
The government is also implementing other changes for our protection. Retailers will no longer be allowed to have expiration dates on gift cards.
This is not good news.
You see in the past I’ve looked like a hero to my friends. I have a guy, ( we'll call him Eduardo). Well, Eduardo supplies me with expired gift certificates. For $10 bucks I can get something in the $400.00 range. Pretty sweet deal.
I pass them along inside cards to the exuberant faces of friends and family on birthdays and Christmas with their unified chorus of, "Oh! You shouldn’t haves," and "this is too much."
Yet, I am also a loyal shoulder to cry on and a voice of disgust and anger when the store tells them the card is expired.
Now what am I going to do? Buy real gifts? I don't think so.
This little piggy broke in pieces
A new study shows, most parents have stolen from their kids piggy banks at one time or another to pay bills, or get gas money, or pay the bookie.
Women are considered twice as likely to break the bank as it were than men. Some don’t even return the money once it’s been taken.
I’m absolutely appalled. What kind of role model are you establishing. There is no excuse to do this. Unless.....you’re short cash for hookers and blow....and let me stress it should never be more than once a week.
New release this week: Dashboard Confessional - Dusk and Summer
but I recommend:
Millie Jackson- E.S.P.- Wow! What can I say about this album.......wait a minute......you know what I'm thinking.
Death becomes us
This week the Mayor lost his father, Mayor Sr.
I am just beginning to find out what a great man he was. GIGC and I were fortunate enough to be able to offer our support to the Mayor in his time of need.
As we age we are all faced with the loss of parents. I myself lost my father last year. It makes you confront your own mortality with the knowledge, you too, will someday pass on.
This was a fervent topic of discussion last evening between myself and our friend base.
Who will be the last surviving member of a wonderful group of lunatics?
And shouldn’t there be some money up for grabs to the imminent winner?
Needless to say, the birth of the death pool saw it’s inception with everyone kicking in $20 bucks and the understanding with each subsequent death an additional $20 by the remaining mourners will be tossed into the pot.
It is with this in mind I offer up the following scenario.
The players.....Strange, GIGC, OBJ, The Mayor, The Little Dutch Girl, Babosa, Dickie Sanchez, Trebor Enots, Bob Noxious..... Pot size $180.00
February 1st, 2028.....OBJ, more affectionately known as One Ball Joe, lost his footing in the frigid morning air while he was roofing a house and fell three stories to the ground. Although the fall didn’t kill him, in fact, it fixed his ailing back, he slipped and fell when he got up and impaled his one good testicle on a near by garden gnome causing instantaneous death.
Due to inflation and the fact $20 no longer buys a loaf of bread the ante has been increased to $100.
Pot size $980.00
February 4th, 2028.....Sadly at OBJ’s wake, long time companion Babosa, recounting the time OBJ fit 5 chicken dinners into his mouth at once, tried to duplicate the feat, and chocked on a chicken bone. She could not be revived.
Pot size $1680.00
July 1st, 2032.... Bob Noxious was murdered in bed while having sex. He was stabbed repeatedly in the spine by the girl’s angry father. Apparent Bob wasn’t aware the government had again raised the age of consent from 16 to 17.
Pot size $2280.00
October 10th, 2035... Strange died from erotic asphyxiation. The details of which are best left out at this time, but he was wearing ass-less leather chaps.
Pot size $2780.00
June 22nd, 2038....The Little "old" Dutch girl was shot by a former student eight times. Once for every year she held him back. The student in question finally graduated public school at the age of 24.
Pot size $3180.00
December 19th, 2043... GIGC after fulfilling a life long desire to be with another woman, chose a partner who has never seen a razor, and subsequently choked on several errant pubic hairs.
Since a $100 no longer buys a carton of milk the ante is increased to $1000
Pot size $6180.00
August 17th, 2051....Destitute and needing money, Trebor Enots tried to scare the Mayor and Dickie Sanchez to death by jumping out of a closet in hopes of winning the pot. Unfortunately, it was a closet that locked from the outside. His body was found three weeks later.
Pot size $8180.00
November 21st, 2058..... Four years after moving into the same retirement home in the thriving metropolis of Greater Mitchieville, and after repeated attempts on each others lives, Dickie Sanchez eventually succumbed to his injuries after being pushed down a flight of stairs.
His jet propelled walker was blamed for the mishap and Pfizer was forced to payout a multibillion dollar settlement to Dickie’s only living acquaintance the Mayor.
Pot size $18,000,8180.00
November 23rd, 2058....Two days after the death of his friend Dickie Sanchez, Multi billionaire, The Mayor was mugged outside his prestigious beach resort home in Aruba by an angry mob of impoverished hooligans.
I am just beginning to find out what a great man he was. GIGC and I were fortunate enough to be able to offer our support to the Mayor in his time of need.
As we age we are all faced with the loss of parents. I myself lost my father last year. It makes you confront your own mortality with the knowledge, you too, will someday pass on.
This was a fervent topic of discussion last evening between myself and our friend base.
Who will be the last surviving member of a wonderful group of lunatics?
And shouldn’t there be some money up for grabs to the imminent winner?
Needless to say, the birth of the death pool saw it’s inception with everyone kicking in $20 bucks and the understanding with each subsequent death an additional $20 by the remaining mourners will be tossed into the pot.
It is with this in mind I offer up the following scenario.
The players.....Strange, GIGC, OBJ, The Mayor, The Little Dutch Girl, Babosa, Dickie Sanchez, Trebor Enots, Bob Noxious..... Pot size $180.00
February 1st, 2028.....OBJ, more affectionately known as One Ball Joe, lost his footing in the frigid morning air while he was roofing a house and fell three stories to the ground. Although the fall didn’t kill him, in fact, it fixed his ailing back, he slipped and fell when he got up and impaled his one good testicle on a near by garden gnome causing instantaneous death.
Due to inflation and the fact $20 no longer buys a loaf of bread the ante has been increased to $100.
Pot size $980.00
February 4th, 2028.....Sadly at OBJ’s wake, long time companion Babosa, recounting the time OBJ fit 5 chicken dinners into his mouth at once, tried to duplicate the feat, and chocked on a chicken bone. She could not be revived.
Pot size $1680.00
July 1st, 2032.... Bob Noxious was murdered in bed while having sex. He was stabbed repeatedly in the spine by the girl’s angry father. Apparent Bob wasn’t aware the government had again raised the age of consent from 16 to 17.
Pot size $2280.00
October 10th, 2035... Strange died from erotic asphyxiation. The details of which are best left out at this time, but he was wearing ass-less leather chaps.
Pot size $2780.00
June 22nd, 2038....The Little "old" Dutch girl was shot by a former student eight times. Once for every year she held him back. The student in question finally graduated public school at the age of 24.
Pot size $3180.00
December 19th, 2043... GIGC after fulfilling a life long desire to be with another woman, chose a partner who has never seen a razor, and subsequently choked on several errant pubic hairs.
Since a $100 no longer buys a carton of milk the ante is increased to $1000
Pot size $6180.00
August 17th, 2051....Destitute and needing money, Trebor Enots tried to scare the Mayor and Dickie Sanchez to death by jumping out of a closet in hopes of winning the pot. Unfortunately, it was a closet that locked from the outside. His body was found three weeks later.
Pot size $8180.00
November 21st, 2058..... Four years after moving into the same retirement home in the thriving metropolis of Greater Mitchieville, and after repeated attempts on each others lives, Dickie Sanchez eventually succumbed to his injuries after being pushed down a flight of stairs.
His jet propelled walker was blamed for the mishap and Pfizer was forced to payout a multibillion dollar settlement to Dickie’s only living acquaintance the Mayor.
Pot size $18,000,8180.00
November 23rd, 2058....Two days after the death of his friend Dickie Sanchez, Multi billionaire, The Mayor was mugged outside his prestigious beach resort home in Aruba by an angry mob of impoverished hooligans.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Let's hear it for big daddy
Tomorrow is dad's day. Historically dads seem to get the shaft when it comes to praise and gifts. It’s always the mothers who are periodically worshiped while the dads take a back seat.
Really, if you look at it. Women have always been the recipients of the lavish rewards. They know how to get what they want, while the male has to work , sometimes even beg, for acknowledgment.
Hell, an aroused woman could have a dozen men with erect members, ready to club her to death like a baby seal, if she wanted. It’s not fair.
But let me let you in on a little secret. As a man, as a dad, I don’t really care, (except about the sex part). I just want to be left alone to do my thing. Whether it’s watch golf, lie in my own vomit, wank to porn, or wank to porn while I lie in my own vomit, just leave me be.
Besides, there's a more important day coming up with cause for celebration. Tax freedom day this monday.
You're richer than you think
Ken Thompson died of a heart attack at 82 this week. The multi-billionaire was the wealthiest man in Canada and one of the wealtiest in the world.
As sad as this may seem, I take it as a sign of good fortune. You see, I’ve just moved up a notch in the pecking order of riches.
Woo-hoo. I’m going to enjoy the comfort of my lofty perch as Canada’s 15,857,694th wealthiest person. Common help me celebrate. Books of matches and paper clips for everyone.
South Toronto? I knew it!
With all the arrests recently of terrorists and gang members, one doesn’t feel very safe in the Big Smoke anymore.
As one U.S. congressman stated, "all the trouble seems to be emerging from South Toronto."
South Toronto? You mean like the Beach? Or perhaps he meant Toronto Island Airport or Queen's Quay the admitted hotbeds for gang violence and terrorist activity. I’m sure the people in Scarborough and Jane and Finch feel a lot better about where they live now.
The shirt off her back
That Jolie Pitt baby is at it again. Apparently little Shiloh appeared with her proud parents on the cover of some mags wearing a trendy T-shirt this week and caused near pandemonium as similar shirts flew off the retailers shelves.
Good thing she wasn’t just wearing a diaper.
Big Ben's a big mess
Ben Rothlesberger, quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers was in a motorcycle accident this week when an elderly woman pulled out in front of him.
Any chance she’s a Seahawk fan?
Ben, who wasn’t wearing a helmet, (because it isn’t mandatory), suffered pretty much broken everything and spent several hours in surgery.
Not wearing a helmet? Too many QB sacks Ben? Good thing helmets are mandatory in the NFL.
Weighty issues
New studies inform us, beer can prevent prostate cancer.
The bad news, or good news, depending on how you look at it, is you’d have to drink at least 17 beers a day in order for it to effectively reduce your chances.
Hurrah! Dr. Jelly Finger says I don’t have prostate cancer. Shame about my liver.
Further studies show coffee drinkers have less chance of developing cirrhosis of the liver than their decaffeinated counterparts.
Alright. Now where are those 17 beers?
A report released this week confirms Trans-fats are dangerously high in some fast food items.
Who would have thought?
In fact, some places like KFC had the highest levels globally helping to cause, excessive cholesterol, heart disease, and morbid obesity.
Well as long as my prostate and liver are ok.
Wanted dead or alive....make that just dead
You are worth more dead than alive...well at least some people are. Take Elvis for instance. He made 22 million last year. Kurt Cobaine 20 million. Even Einstein, who’s been dead for 50 years, pulled in 12 million.
I tell ya, if my liver and prostate weren’t so healthy, I’d be hanging myself from the ceiling fan right now.
New release this week: Nelly Furtado - Loose (and she has ugly feet)
But I recommend:
The Louvin Brothers : Satan is Real
Where were these guys last week for the 6.6.06?
And to think, when I was in the music business, I couldn't get a deal with Capitol Records.
Really, if you look at it. Women have always been the recipients of the lavish rewards. They know how to get what they want, while the male has to work , sometimes even beg, for acknowledgment.
Hell, an aroused woman could have a dozen men with erect members, ready to club her to death like a baby seal, if she wanted. It’s not fair.
But let me let you in on a little secret. As a man, as a dad, I don’t really care, (except about the sex part). I just want to be left alone to do my thing. Whether it’s watch golf, lie in my own vomit, wank to porn, or wank to porn while I lie in my own vomit, just leave me be.
Besides, there's a more important day coming up with cause for celebration. Tax freedom day this monday.
You're richer than you think
Ken Thompson died of a heart attack at 82 this week. The multi-billionaire was the wealthiest man in Canada and one of the wealtiest in the world.
As sad as this may seem, I take it as a sign of good fortune. You see, I’ve just moved up a notch in the pecking order of riches.
Woo-hoo. I’m going to enjoy the comfort of my lofty perch as Canada’s 15,857,694th wealthiest person. Common help me celebrate. Books of matches and paper clips for everyone.
South Toronto? I knew it!
With all the arrests recently of terrorists and gang members, one doesn’t feel very safe in the Big Smoke anymore.
As one U.S. congressman stated, "all the trouble seems to be emerging from South Toronto."
South Toronto? You mean like the Beach? Or perhaps he meant Toronto Island Airport or Queen's Quay the admitted hotbeds for gang violence and terrorist activity. I’m sure the people in Scarborough and Jane and Finch feel a lot better about where they live now.
The shirt off her back
That Jolie Pitt baby is at it again. Apparently little Shiloh appeared with her proud parents on the cover of some mags wearing a trendy T-shirt this week and caused near pandemonium as similar shirts flew off the retailers shelves.
Good thing she wasn’t just wearing a diaper.
Big Ben's a big mess
Ben Rothlesberger, quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers was in a motorcycle accident this week when an elderly woman pulled out in front of him.
Any chance she’s a Seahawk fan?
Ben, who wasn’t wearing a helmet, (because it isn’t mandatory), suffered pretty much broken everything and spent several hours in surgery.
Not wearing a helmet? Too many QB sacks Ben? Good thing helmets are mandatory in the NFL.
Weighty issues
New studies inform us, beer can prevent prostate cancer.
The bad news, or good news, depending on how you look at it, is you’d have to drink at least 17 beers a day in order for it to effectively reduce your chances.
Hurrah! Dr. Jelly Finger says I don’t have prostate cancer. Shame about my liver.
Further studies show coffee drinkers have less chance of developing cirrhosis of the liver than their decaffeinated counterparts.
Alright. Now where are those 17 beers?
A report released this week confirms Trans-fats are dangerously high in some fast food items.
Who would have thought?
In fact, some places like KFC had the highest levels globally helping to cause, excessive cholesterol, heart disease, and morbid obesity.
Well as long as my prostate and liver are ok.
Wanted dead or alive....make that just dead
You are worth more dead than alive...well at least some people are. Take Elvis for instance. He made 22 million last year. Kurt Cobaine 20 million. Even Einstein, who’s been dead for 50 years, pulled in 12 million.
I tell ya, if my liver and prostate weren’t so healthy, I’d be hanging myself from the ceiling fan right now.
New release this week: Nelly Furtado - Loose (and she has ugly feet)
But I recommend:
The Louvin Brothers : Satan is RealWhere were these guys last week for the 6.6.06?
And to think, when I was in the music business, I couldn't get a deal with Capitol Records.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Ole....Ole, Ole, Ole.....
Yeah I know. The World Cup started this week. Patriotic motherfuckers are crawling out from under every rock with their little flags. Flags waving for the chosen country of their forefathers from everything from car antennas to more car antennas.
But who will win?
My one friend says the Italians are a shoe-in to win it all. Not surprisingly, he’s Italian. Well meatball, in my opinion, the Italians will be up and down like a toilet seat at a stag and doe. That type of inconsistency is not the veal Parmesan of champions. Ya know what I mean you misguided acolyte?
Another friend swears it is the British who will rise to supremacy.
Surprise, surprise, his heritage hails back to jolly old England, home of the Union Jack and bad teeth.
Let me tell you, knicker boy, any nation who uses 1000's of megga watts in extra power just to put the kettle on, and make tea for the big matches, doesn’t deserve to win.
Then I’m told Brazilians will win. "Brazilians," I say. That’s too many. A million maybe, but a Brazilian? Now you’re dreaming.
Hey, I knew a girl who had a Brazilian wax once...ahh those were good times....
Anyway, I’m going to give you the finalists of the FIFA World Cup, and remember you heard it here first.
Togo vs Trinidad & Tobago. Not that Trinidad really needs Tobago to trounce the superior fire power of Togo.
My dark horse pick is Iran. Especially if they put some of that enriched uranium in their opponents shorts before game time. Remember my friend, never count out a nation who kills their athletes for not winning.
Meow remix
Correction: I would like to apologize to all the angry emails I had over the cat reality show mentioned on a previous Blog. Apparently, my bad, when I said the winner would get a contract with Purina. I was wrong. It was Meow Mix. Once again my sincerest apologies.
Kicking us in the Baghdad
Ok so we’ve had a little problem with terrorists here in the big smoke. In fact, I’m hearing there are a proliferation of Islamic extremist recruiting websites that started this whole deal.
Suddenly it seems , we are under the microscope of the world eye and finger pointing, "I told you so," Americans, who have just accelerated their plans to build the fence along the 49th
parallel.
This media scrutiny has got me thinking. We need an Islamic Terrorist reality show. Kind of a Survivor meets The Amazing Race. With weekly eliminations like crawling through mine fields, or quickest suicide bombing, as they race around the globe to exotic destinations surrounded by chicks in bikinis and berkas.
Tune in next week to Survivor Islamabad. Shareef confronts Abdul about his secret alliance with Yasim and Mustafa pulls the wrong hand grenade pin at the jihad reward challenge.
"Sorry Zarqawi the 25 million goes to the guy who sold you out to the Americans."
Suffering from high score
Now there is a D-tox center for video addicts. When you start lying to people by telling them your Carpal Tunnel was caused by excessive masturbation instead of aggressive joy stick maneuvers, you need help.
Usually vices and addictions eventually lead to your wife or girlfriend leaving you. It's a wakeup call and reality check to straighten your ass up. But these guys don’t have the luxury of relationships with the opposite sex, so the rehab seems like a good idea to me.
Leap of faith
A European man decided to test his faith and put his life in God’s hands by leaping into a lion’s den in a Munich zoo. The animal, obviously an atheist, tore the man to shreds. Had the guy at least waited until the first upset at the World Cup, it would have made more sense.
Oddly enough I wrote about this exact same scenario in my second novel The Limits of Respectability, which just goes to show you, truth is as strange as Strange fiction.
Bet bet bet bet BET BET BET!
It is true you can bet on anything these days from World Cup red cards, to Super Bowl wardrobe malfunctions, to as mentioned on last week's Blog, Spelling Bees.
On a more personal note, now that wedding season is cranking up, did you know some book makers are taking wagers on how long marriages will last. You can get odds on everything from until the rice is thrown, to two months, to happily ever after.
There’s probably some serious money to be made on the last one.
Apocalypse Tuesday
In fact this week, if you wanted, you could lay a wager on 6.6.06 being the date of the apocalypse.
For a measly $100 you would have taken home a cool 10 million had the world ended in a fiery ball of ruin Tuesday. Of course collecting your winnings might of presented a problem.
New Release this week: Sonic Youth- Rather Ripped
but I recommend: Tino- Por Primera Vez
Don't laugh. There are some really good soccer anthems on this one.
But who will win?
My one friend says the Italians are a shoe-in to win it all. Not surprisingly, he’s Italian. Well meatball, in my opinion, the Italians will be up and down like a toilet seat at a stag and doe. That type of inconsistency is not the veal Parmesan of champions. Ya know what I mean you misguided acolyte?
Another friend swears it is the British who will rise to supremacy.
Surprise, surprise, his heritage hails back to jolly old England, home of the Union Jack and bad teeth.
Let me tell you, knicker boy, any nation who uses 1000's of megga watts in extra power just to put the kettle on, and make tea for the big matches, doesn’t deserve to win.
Then I’m told Brazilians will win. "Brazilians," I say. That’s too many. A million maybe, but a Brazilian? Now you’re dreaming.
Hey, I knew a girl who had a Brazilian wax once...ahh those were good times....
Anyway, I’m going to give you the finalists of the FIFA World Cup, and remember you heard it here first.
Togo vs Trinidad & Tobago. Not that Trinidad really needs Tobago to trounce the superior fire power of Togo.
My dark horse pick is Iran. Especially if they put some of that enriched uranium in their opponents shorts before game time. Remember my friend, never count out a nation who kills their athletes for not winning.
Meow remix
Correction: I would like to apologize to all the angry emails I had over the cat reality show mentioned on a previous Blog. Apparently, my bad, when I said the winner would get a contract with Purina. I was wrong. It was Meow Mix. Once again my sincerest apologies.
Kicking us in the Baghdad
Ok so we’ve had a little problem with terrorists here in the big smoke. In fact, I’m hearing there are a proliferation of Islamic extremist recruiting websites that started this whole deal.
Suddenly it seems , we are under the microscope of the world eye and finger pointing, "I told you so," Americans, who have just accelerated their plans to build the fence along the 49th
parallel.
This media scrutiny has got me thinking. We need an Islamic Terrorist reality show. Kind of a Survivor meets The Amazing Race. With weekly eliminations like crawling through mine fields, or quickest suicide bombing, as they race around the globe to exotic destinations surrounded by chicks in bikinis and berkas.
Tune in next week to Survivor Islamabad. Shareef confronts Abdul about his secret alliance with Yasim and Mustafa pulls the wrong hand grenade pin at the jihad reward challenge.
"Sorry Zarqawi the 25 million goes to the guy who sold you out to the Americans."
Suffering from high score
Now there is a D-tox center for video addicts. When you start lying to people by telling them your Carpal Tunnel was caused by excessive masturbation instead of aggressive joy stick maneuvers, you need help.
Usually vices and addictions eventually lead to your wife or girlfriend leaving you. It's a wakeup call and reality check to straighten your ass up. But these guys don’t have the luxury of relationships with the opposite sex, so the rehab seems like a good idea to me.
Leap of faith
A European man decided to test his faith and put his life in God’s hands by leaping into a lion’s den in a Munich zoo. The animal, obviously an atheist, tore the man to shreds. Had the guy at least waited until the first upset at the World Cup, it would have made more sense.
Oddly enough I wrote about this exact same scenario in my second novel The Limits of Respectability, which just goes to show you, truth is as strange as Strange fiction.
Bet bet bet bet BET BET BET!
It is true you can bet on anything these days from World Cup red cards, to Super Bowl wardrobe malfunctions, to as mentioned on last week's Blog, Spelling Bees.
On a more personal note, now that wedding season is cranking up, did you know some book makers are taking wagers on how long marriages will last. You can get odds on everything from until the rice is thrown, to two months, to happily ever after.
There’s probably some serious money to be made on the last one.
Apocalypse Tuesday
In fact this week, if you wanted, you could lay a wager on 6.6.06 being the date of the apocalypse.
For a measly $100 you would have taken home a cool 10 million had the world ended in a fiery ball of ruin Tuesday. Of course collecting your winnings might of presented a problem.
New Release this week: Sonic Youth- Rather Ripped
but I recommend: Tino- Por Primera VezDon't laugh. There are some really good soccer anthems on this one.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Another week that was
We have much ground to cover this week my friends, so strap in.....just let me check my notes here and see what I have to tell you.......hmm.....
Duck eats alien head......too "World News" tabloid......no
Liz Taylor would like you to know she’s not dead..... and Richard Burton would like you to know he still is........no
The more educated men are, the more they don’t want kids...... they also don't want pick-up trucks parked on their front lawn.........no
Smirnoff is coming out with new coolers targeted toward men........the more educated men I'll bet. After a few of those, you want pick-up trucks on your lawn......no
Pitt Jolie's baby's name means, "new messiah".......that's just swell and I'll bet she already has a 3 picture deal too.....no
The Dollar Store will soon have stock publically traded.......will it be available for a dollar I wonder?....no
Don’t smoke em if ya got em
A province wide smoking ban went into effect May 31st. It prohibits lighting up in any enclosed area even if it’s a semi-covered patio. Many believe this will lead to an underground procreation of smoking rooms not unlike the speak-easys of the prohibition era, where those who wish can get together and indulge in their vices.
These private smoking establishments will only be the first, as soon the smoke-easy will be joined by the cancer-easy and finally the death-easy.
Barbie wins over Barbie
Mattel lost it’s much publicized court case against a Montreal steak house named Barbie's over a weakening of the brand.
The judge in the case sided with the restaurant sighting the two companies offered vastly different products to consumers. He stated that although you could put a Barbie on the barbie at Barbie's, you still wouldn't want to eat one........I don’t know. When I was younger, I had a G.I. Joe that ate a few Barbies.
Would you like fries with that?
A woman in the Netherlands found a live frog in her salad. No one’s sure whether it was a joke by a fast food employ, or a stunt by the woman to extort money from the establishment....not unlike our next hero from Wisconsin who’s brain storm to squeeze cash out of Taco Bell ended in misery.
He was charged for putting a dead mouse in his burrito. To make matters worse he let his girlfriend be the recipient of the delicacy. Now he’s not only in trouble with the law he’s single.
Dude did you learn nothing from the Wendy’s incident. It’s suppose to be a human
finger...idiot.
So far, big fish no catch for the boatmen
Ricky Williams played his first game as an Argo friday night against the Hamilton Ti-cats and was held to only 7 yards, which I feel is pretty good for his debut in the CFL. After all it’s just 2 short of the whole nine yards.
Pillow talk
A bar in downtown Toronto is putting out a call to all able bodied, young, moistened, delectable, delicious women, with more than ample mammalian protuberances, to join a new league.
The league will consist of teams who must pillow fight each other in front of an enthusiastic audience.....what no jello?
Fast and the furious it ain't
Surprisingly four people were not injured when they tried to drive their Toyota under a transport truck last Monday while traveling down the DVP. The driver of the truck was as stunned as anyone as the crushed vehicle somehow pulled free of the wreckage and drove off with crushed roof, smashed windshield and four flat tires.
Police found the car and it’s occupants not far away, hiding in back of a factory, and charged the driver with impaired.......I guess there's no charge for stupidity?
Wraps can make you money
gotgas.ca will pay you up to $450 a month if you are willing to have your car wrapped in an advertisement.
Sounds like a great deal...and what do I care...I won’t have to look at the coke bottle I’ll be driving.....
The one catch? You have to drive a gazzillon clicks a month.
Kind of fucks up the km’s on your lease doesn’t it? Not to mention the money they pay you will just go to the gas you need to drive around anyway......oh yeah sign me up.
Mommas don't let your babies grow up to be Mohammeds
The police raided the homes of a suspected Canadian terrorist cell this week, arresting those involved.
It is believed the al-Qaeda-like operation had designs on causing havoc in the southern Ontario region, mainly with attacks on the CN Tower and the transit system.
Perhaps they even had plans to launch an attack on the subway system last Monday, but were thwarted by the TTC wildcat strike and couldn’t get a bus downtown.
Give me a $100 on the bee
Did you know you could bet on the spelling bee? It's true. Vegas gave 4-9 odds the winner would be male, 3-9 he would be a geeky mofo, and an over-under of 10.5 letters on the winning word.
The winner was 13 year-old Katharine Close who correctly spelled "ursprache."
Everyone seemed to be fuckin' nuts and pissin' crazy over this whole deal. So much so, I thought I would start the first annual Strangedaze Spelling Bee. You are all welcome to participate......here goes.
Spell for me the word, "fucoxanthin.".........Hey! You cheated!
This isn't going to work at all.
New release this week: AFI- December Underground
But I recommend: Tex Williams- Smoke, Smoke, Smoke
But you can't listen to it in an enclosed area.....you have been warned.
Duck eats alien head......too "World News" tabloid......no
Liz Taylor would like you to know she’s not dead..... and Richard Burton would like you to know he still is........no
The more educated men are, the more they don’t want kids...... they also don't want pick-up trucks parked on their front lawn.........no
Smirnoff is coming out with new coolers targeted toward men........the more educated men I'll bet. After a few of those, you want pick-up trucks on your lawn......no
Pitt Jolie's baby's name means, "new messiah".......that's just swell and I'll bet she already has a 3 picture deal too.....no
The Dollar Store will soon have stock publically traded.......will it be available for a dollar I wonder?....no
Don’t smoke em if ya got em
A province wide smoking ban went into effect May 31st. It prohibits lighting up in any enclosed area even if it’s a semi-covered patio. Many believe this will lead to an underground procreation of smoking rooms not unlike the speak-easys of the prohibition era, where those who wish can get together and indulge in their vices.
These private smoking establishments will only be the first, as soon the smoke-easy will be joined by the cancer-easy and finally the death-easy.
Barbie wins over Barbie
Mattel lost it’s much publicized court case against a Montreal steak house named Barbie's over a weakening of the brand.
The judge in the case sided with the restaurant sighting the two companies offered vastly different products to consumers. He stated that although you could put a Barbie on the barbie at Barbie's, you still wouldn't want to eat one........I don’t know. When I was younger, I had a G.I. Joe that ate a few Barbies.
Would you like fries with that?
A woman in the Netherlands found a live frog in her salad. No one’s sure whether it was a joke by a fast food employ, or a stunt by the woman to extort money from the establishment....not unlike our next hero from Wisconsin who’s brain storm to squeeze cash out of Taco Bell ended in misery.
He was charged for putting a dead mouse in his burrito. To make matters worse he let his girlfriend be the recipient of the delicacy. Now he’s not only in trouble with the law he’s single.
Dude did you learn nothing from the Wendy’s incident. It’s suppose to be a human
finger...idiot.
So far, big fish no catch for the boatmen
Ricky Williams played his first game as an Argo friday night against the Hamilton Ti-cats and was held to only 7 yards, which I feel is pretty good for his debut in the CFL. After all it’s just 2 short of the whole nine yards.
Pillow talk
A bar in downtown Toronto is putting out a call to all able bodied, young, moistened, delectable, delicious women, with more than ample mammalian protuberances, to join a new league.
The league will consist of teams who must pillow fight each other in front of an enthusiastic audience.....what no jello?
Fast and the furious it ain't
Surprisingly four people were not injured when they tried to drive their Toyota under a transport truck last Monday while traveling down the DVP. The driver of the truck was as stunned as anyone as the crushed vehicle somehow pulled free of the wreckage and drove off with crushed roof, smashed windshield and four flat tires.
Police found the car and it’s occupants not far away, hiding in back of a factory, and charged the driver with impaired.......I guess there's no charge for stupidity?
Wraps can make you money
gotgas.ca will pay you up to $450 a month if you are willing to have your car wrapped in an advertisement.
Sounds like a great deal...and what do I care...I won’t have to look at the coke bottle I’ll be driving.....
The one catch? You have to drive a gazzillon clicks a month.
Kind of fucks up the km’s on your lease doesn’t it? Not to mention the money they pay you will just go to the gas you need to drive around anyway......oh yeah sign me up.
Mommas don't let your babies grow up to be Mohammeds
The police raided the homes of a suspected Canadian terrorist cell this week, arresting those involved.
It is believed the al-Qaeda-like operation had designs on causing havoc in the southern Ontario region, mainly with attacks on the CN Tower and the transit system.
Perhaps they even had plans to launch an attack on the subway system last Monday, but were thwarted by the TTC wildcat strike and couldn’t get a bus downtown.
Give me a $100 on the bee
Did you know you could bet on the spelling bee? It's true. Vegas gave 4-9 odds the winner would be male, 3-9 he would be a geeky mofo, and an over-under of 10.5 letters on the winning word.
The winner was 13 year-old Katharine Close who correctly spelled "ursprache."
Everyone seemed to be fuckin' nuts and pissin' crazy over this whole deal. So much so, I thought I would start the first annual Strangedaze Spelling Bee. You are all welcome to participate......here goes.
Spell for me the word, "fucoxanthin.".........Hey! You cheated!
This isn't going to work at all.
New release this week: AFI- December Underground
But I recommend: Tex Williams- Smoke, Smoke, SmokeBut you can't listen to it in an enclosed area.....you have been warned.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
An end to the May madness
You know what I love most about the first day back from a long weekend?
It’s all the crazy stories of idiot drivers who are pulled over in their rush north to cottage country.
The hands down winner this time has to be the truck loaded with 15 family members, none of whom had a driver’s licence.
The vehicle was pulled over in a torrential downpour for speeding where police found two of the trucks occupants operating the windshield wipers rigged up by string.
Look Ma no hands
So we understand it's not just Canadian drivers: A New Zealand man was charged for reckless driving when police pulled him over for driving with his feet, one on the steering wheel, the other to work the pedals.
They also found the poor chap was born without any arms.
Although he didn’t possess a driver’s licence either, the man complained he’d been driving for years and has never had an accident. Regardless he will be charged.
Ya know I’ve been searching for a woman like that.......no, not born without any arms......
A woman who........no, not from New Zealand and minus a valid driver’s permit......would you let me finish!......
A woman who can drive with her feet.
In other news
The Toronto Raptors won the 1st pick in this year’s NBA draft lottery..........yeah I thought as much.
The Country Music Awards were given out this..........Yeah I thought as much.
The newest American Idol was crowned, as Taylor Hicks.......Yeah I thought as much.
God must really hate Indonesians
First , a family of 5 died from the bird flu strain H5N1 in Jakarta. Then, the area is hit hard with a massive earthquake. Indonesia.....isn't that where the Tsunami was? What a tourist hot bed!
Good thing Pitt and Jolie didn’t decide to have their baby there instead of Namibia. Probably would have squeezed out Damian son of the devil instead of their new daughter little Shiloh.
Hung like a horse
Triple Crown hopeful Barbaro suffered a career ending injury moments into the Preakness Stakes last saturday. The horse fractured his ankle and required surgery believed to be life threatening.
Any chance someone from Indonesia owns this horse?
However, as the week progressed, the stallion made a miraculous recovery and will now be put out to stud.
Jesus, if I had a debilitating ailment, or had no arms and drove with my feet, I’d probably make a significant recovery too, if I knew I was going to spend the rest of my days fucking when I wanted.
Dudleys do right
Looks like the Mounties will finally get their man as two male RCMP will wed next month.
Gives a new meaning to the title of "Mountie" doesn’t it? I was always curious about the way the pants they wear, stood out.
The event however, is being kept hush-hush, as to avoid any unpleasant comments and embarrassment for the Harper government who openly oppose the same sex marriage bill brought in by the former Liberal Government.
Meanwhile the marriage will take place in June at an undisclosed location in a Yarmouth, Nova Scotia.
How many undisclosed locations can there be in Yarmouth? Honestly.
The yolks on you
The age old question of, "What came first the chicken or the egg," was answered this week with the oval shell crowned the resounding winner.
A Geneticist, Philosopher, and Chicken Farmer all agreed, the egg had to come first.....shush! Don’t tell the Creationists.....besides God’s too busy trying to kill Indonesians to care.
Bububu...beer, beer, beer, beer
Edmonton advanced to the Stanley Cup final for the first time since 1992, by defeating Anaheim 2-1 last night. They await the winner of the Buffalo, Carolina series.
However, Edmonton’s greatest fear is not who they will face for Lord Stanley's prize, but running out of beer. In fact, it almost happened during their Western Final.
As I understand it, they have nothing to worry about. The Indian guides have been dispatched and new shipments are on there way by dogsled and canoe, as we speak.
Catatonic television
A new reality show will feature homeless contestants thrust together in the same living quarters. They will have to eat from bowls on the floor and relieve themselves in litter boxes. It is believed this will be the first reality show of it’s kind....for cats.
The felines will be monitored through cameras and each week a panel of judges will give one puss the boot.
The ultimate winner gets a contract with Purina. I guess the losers end up in a Chinese restaurant.....I wonder how long the lines will be for the auditions?
New release this week: Les Claypool- Of Whales and Woe
But I recommend: The Handless Organist......
....but does she drive with her feet?
...shush! Don't tell the Creationists.
It’s all the crazy stories of idiot drivers who are pulled over in their rush north to cottage country.
The hands down winner this time has to be the truck loaded with 15 family members, none of whom had a driver’s licence.
The vehicle was pulled over in a torrential downpour for speeding where police found two of the trucks occupants operating the windshield wipers rigged up by string.
Look Ma no hands
So we understand it's not just Canadian drivers: A New Zealand man was charged for reckless driving when police pulled him over for driving with his feet, one on the steering wheel, the other to work the pedals.
They also found the poor chap was born without any arms.
Although he didn’t possess a driver’s licence either, the man complained he’d been driving for years and has never had an accident. Regardless he will be charged.
Ya know I’ve been searching for a woman like that.......no, not born without any arms......
A woman who........no, not from New Zealand and minus a valid driver’s permit......would you let me finish!......
A woman who can drive with her feet.
In other news
The Toronto Raptors won the 1st pick in this year’s NBA draft lottery..........yeah I thought as much.
The Country Music Awards were given out this..........Yeah I thought as much.
The newest American Idol was crowned, as Taylor Hicks.......Yeah I thought as much.
God must really hate Indonesians
First , a family of 5 died from the bird flu strain H5N1 in Jakarta. Then, the area is hit hard with a massive earthquake. Indonesia.....isn't that where the Tsunami was? What a tourist hot bed!
Good thing Pitt and Jolie didn’t decide to have their baby there instead of Namibia. Probably would have squeezed out Damian son of the devil instead of their new daughter little Shiloh.
Hung like a horse
Triple Crown hopeful Barbaro suffered a career ending injury moments into the Preakness Stakes last saturday. The horse fractured his ankle and required surgery believed to be life threatening.
Any chance someone from Indonesia owns this horse?
However, as the week progressed, the stallion made a miraculous recovery and will now be put out to stud.
Jesus, if I had a debilitating ailment, or had no arms and drove with my feet, I’d probably make a significant recovery too, if I knew I was going to spend the rest of my days fucking when I wanted.
Dudleys do right
Looks like the Mounties will finally get their man as two male RCMP will wed next month.
Gives a new meaning to the title of "Mountie" doesn’t it? I was always curious about the way the pants they wear, stood out.
The event however, is being kept hush-hush, as to avoid any unpleasant comments and embarrassment for the Harper government who openly oppose the same sex marriage bill brought in by the former Liberal Government.
Meanwhile the marriage will take place in June at an undisclosed location in a Yarmouth, Nova Scotia.
How many undisclosed locations can there be in Yarmouth? Honestly.
The yolks on you
The age old question of, "What came first the chicken or the egg," was answered this week with the oval shell crowned the resounding winner.
A Geneticist, Philosopher, and Chicken Farmer all agreed, the egg had to come first.....shush! Don’t tell the Creationists.....besides God’s too busy trying to kill Indonesians to care.
Bububu...beer, beer, beer, beer
Edmonton advanced to the Stanley Cup final for the first time since 1992, by defeating Anaheim 2-1 last night. They await the winner of the Buffalo, Carolina series.
However, Edmonton’s greatest fear is not who they will face for Lord Stanley's prize, but running out of beer. In fact, it almost happened during their Western Final.
As I understand it, they have nothing to worry about. The Indian guides have been dispatched and new shipments are on there way by dogsled and canoe, as we speak.
Catatonic television
A new reality show will feature homeless contestants thrust together in the same living quarters. They will have to eat from bowls on the floor and relieve themselves in litter boxes. It is believed this will be the first reality show of it’s kind....for cats.
The felines will be monitored through cameras and each week a panel of judges will give one puss the boot.
The ultimate winner gets a contract with Purina. I guess the losers end up in a Chinese restaurant.....I wonder how long the lines will be for the auditions?
New release this week: Les Claypool- Of Whales and Woe
But I recommend: The Handless Organist..........but does she drive with her feet?
...shush! Don't tell the Creationists.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
The May two-four
So, it’s the unofficial start of summer and the first long weekend of mass exodus to cottage country is here. On the hyways plugged to capacity you can see everything from beer fridges and picnic tables, to big screen televisions and queen-sized mattresses, sitting in the back of trailers. All broken down at the side of the road.....And don't get me started on the boats.
With a bang
The DaVinci Code opened this week with the swirling winds of controversy, as Catholics were warned not to see the movie. The film makers applauded all the free publicity, mainly because it kept the attention off the fact the movie sucks!
With a whimper
McCartney and Mills are splitsville after 4 years of matrimonial flatulence. With Sir Paul’s worth somewhere around the billion dollar mark, it should be quite a divorce settlement. Wonder if he gets to keep the leg?
The only problem with Mexico is all the damn Mexicans
President Bush has decided to tighten security across the Mexican border in hopes to curb the porous illegal immigration from that country. With news of the deployment of National Guards to the area, many wondered if Canada would be next.
Yeah so many Canadians with bed rolls on there heads are sneaking into North Dakota from Saskatchewan.
Iraq-naphobia
As disapproval for the ongoing campaign in Iraq escalates, the presidential rating continues to fall faster than Brittany Speer’s offspring. This week it reached an historical low of 33%.
George Bush’s rating has plummeted? I’m shocked and stunned.
Most of the public believe they have never witnessed a worse leader in the White House.
I don’t know about that. Have you seen 24? President Logan is pretty inept.
Sign, sign, everywhere a sign
Ever wonder who’s the best at dishing out the autographs with a minimum of insults and punches?
Well my friends, that would be Mr. Johnny Depp. On the flip side, Cameron Diaz will not only lecture you about the evils of collecting celeb signatures, she’ll beat you about the gonads with a prickly iron bar, while her body guards catcall in unison, "Loser!"
Big Fish in a little pond?
Over the past few weeks rumors have persisted, Miami Dolphin's suspended runningback Ricky Williams, is negotiating with the Toronto Argos.
According to Sports Illustrated all that is needed to complete the deal, is the Argos to sign a form guaranteeing they will release Williams by the end of the season.
Personally I don’t know if this is going to happen or not, but they better do something fast before Ricky finds out all the really good weed is in B.C.
I thought you didn’t wear leather?
A new study shows younger women are becoming increasingly addicted to tanning beds. So much so, it now has a medical term, "Tanorexia".
And this, all in an effort to look sexy for us slubbas.....
Really Honey you didn’t have to....the breast implants, injected lips, bikini wax, sex with your sister was all I needed.
Hide the Hoffa
Law enforcement agents are searching a farm on the outskirts of Detroit this week. New intell points to this location as the burial place for legendary Teemster's boss Jimmy Hoffa.
So far the only remains found, have been have been a partially masticated squirrel, a mummified diseased woodchuck, and the bones of a hamster in a shoe box marked "Little Willie."
998....999....1000....Ready or not here we come.....
Gator bowl
Three women have been killed in Florida over the past 10 days by alligators. However local officials feel they have captured and slaughtered the beast responsible for the rampage as the remains of one of the victims was found in the stomach contents along with....well....will ya look at that.....Jimmy Hoffa.
Badges? We don’t need no stinkin’ badges
Iran has instituted a policy where people, of faiths other than Muslim, will be forced to wear colored badges to distinguish themselves from the true faith.
Not since Nazi Germany has there been such an extreme system constituted.
Jews will were red, Christians, white and Catholics, big funny hats. Gays have to wear pink......
Naw, just kidding........gays will be shot on sight.
Pick of the litter
NHL hockey playoffs round 3.
First, let's review my picks from last series. I believe I said if you have some serious cash to wager, bet on a Buffalo- Carolina/ Edmonton- Anaheim conference final.......look at me. I'm a frickin' genius!......We won't discuss the statement was made as a complete contradiction to my original picks.
This time I'm just going to flip a coin........(Flip)........Buffalo vs Edmonton in the final.
New this week: The Walkmen- A hundred miles off
....but I recommend.....
Walking and Dreaming by Orleans
It's an oldie, but a goodie. What better way to kick off summer than with a bunch of naked guys, most with facial hair, who look happy as hell to be touching each other......I'm sold.
With a bang
The DaVinci Code opened this week with the swirling winds of controversy, as Catholics were warned not to see the movie. The film makers applauded all the free publicity, mainly because it kept the attention off the fact the movie sucks!
With a whimper
McCartney and Mills are splitsville after 4 years of matrimonial flatulence. With Sir Paul’s worth somewhere around the billion dollar mark, it should be quite a divorce settlement. Wonder if he gets to keep the leg?
The only problem with Mexico is all the damn Mexicans
President Bush has decided to tighten security across the Mexican border in hopes to curb the porous illegal immigration from that country. With news of the deployment of National Guards to the area, many wondered if Canada would be next.
Yeah so many Canadians with bed rolls on there heads are sneaking into North Dakota from Saskatchewan.
Iraq-naphobia
As disapproval for the ongoing campaign in Iraq escalates, the presidential rating continues to fall faster than Brittany Speer’s offspring. This week it reached an historical low of 33%.
George Bush’s rating has plummeted? I’m shocked and stunned.
Most of the public believe they have never witnessed a worse leader in the White House.
I don’t know about that. Have you seen 24? President Logan is pretty inept.
Sign, sign, everywhere a sign
Ever wonder who’s the best at dishing out the autographs with a minimum of insults and punches?
Well my friends, that would be Mr. Johnny Depp. On the flip side, Cameron Diaz will not only lecture you about the evils of collecting celeb signatures, she’ll beat you about the gonads with a prickly iron bar, while her body guards catcall in unison, "Loser!"
Big Fish in a little pond?
Over the past few weeks rumors have persisted, Miami Dolphin's suspended runningback Ricky Williams, is negotiating with the Toronto Argos.
According to Sports Illustrated all that is needed to complete the deal, is the Argos to sign a form guaranteeing they will release Williams by the end of the season.
Personally I don’t know if this is going to happen or not, but they better do something fast before Ricky finds out all the really good weed is in B.C.
I thought you didn’t wear leather?
A new study shows younger women are becoming increasingly addicted to tanning beds. So much so, it now has a medical term, "Tanorexia".
And this, all in an effort to look sexy for us slubbas.....
Really Honey you didn’t have to....the breast implants, injected lips, bikini wax, sex with your sister was all I needed.
Hide the Hoffa
Law enforcement agents are searching a farm on the outskirts of Detroit this week. New intell points to this location as the burial place for legendary Teemster's boss Jimmy Hoffa.
So far the only remains found, have been have been a partially masticated squirrel, a mummified diseased woodchuck, and the bones of a hamster in a shoe box marked "Little Willie."
998....999....1000....Ready or not here we come.....
Gator bowl
Three women have been killed in Florida over the past 10 days by alligators. However local officials feel they have captured and slaughtered the beast responsible for the rampage as the remains of one of the victims was found in the stomach contents along with....well....will ya look at that.....Jimmy Hoffa.
Badges? We don’t need no stinkin’ badges
Iran has instituted a policy where people, of faiths other than Muslim, will be forced to wear colored badges to distinguish themselves from the true faith.
Not since Nazi Germany has there been such an extreme system constituted.
Jews will were red, Christians, white and Catholics, big funny hats. Gays have to wear pink......
Naw, just kidding........gays will be shot on sight.
Pick of the litter
NHL hockey playoffs round 3.
First, let's review my picks from last series. I believe I said if you have some serious cash to wager, bet on a Buffalo- Carolina/ Edmonton- Anaheim conference final.......look at me. I'm a frickin' genius!......We won't discuss the statement was made as a complete contradiction to my original picks.
This time I'm just going to flip a coin........(Flip)........Buffalo vs Edmonton in the final.
New this week: The Walkmen- A hundred miles off....but I recommend.....
Walking and Dreaming by OrleansIt's an oldie, but a goodie. What better way to kick off summer than with a bunch of naked guys, most with facial hair, who look happy as hell to be touching each other......I'm sold.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
This week's a wash
First, I'd like to say,"Happy baby momma's day" to all the mothers out there. Whether you're already a mother, or aspiring to be a mother, or you just hear the word "MOTHER...!" after you cut someone off while driving, this day is for you.
I had an abundance of things to post this week....nay a plethora....however.....
You see, everyday I hear little tidbits I feel, you my reader, would enjoy reading about. So I jot those notes down on a small piece of paper.
By the weekend I’m ready to transfer those notes to the computer screen and organize into a ball making up my weekly Blog....it’s all very high tech.....well maybe not....
There are considerations that must be made.....what story to lead off with, congruent flow, comedic call backs . Contrary to popular belief, it’s not as simple as hiding your beef syringe in some chicks sausage wallet.
Unfortunately, this week I was caught in a torrential downpour on wednesday and my little "high-tech" slip of paper became saturated. The notes melted into a pool of runny black ink. Thus, anything I heard the first part of the week was lost in a puddle of literary mud.
Being the trooper I am I will try to decipher the contents of those notes and post them verbatim anyway. So here goes...
Nibbly weegly wasshga
Argububa...grumfuscatose..simleebence (ha,ha,ha), cormadendink forbagorse latwimbleweed. Furthermore, jimstankablink, purblincabee, kuzstolenfrancenwurmern. Arrrrgh! Quaf! God damnit......If you disagree just say so.....codlightard mufumagoom.
If he only had a brain
Much concern now surrounds the health of Keith Richards who is believed to have brain damage after he fell out of a coconut tree last week. Apparently the elderly rocker has been mumbling incoherently since his tumble, (see previous blog ramble above.)
I have just one question. Has no one listened to this guy speak before he damaged his melon? The only one who could understand him before was Ozzy everything else has always been lost in translation.
The Stones have postponed the next leg of their European tour until a more accurate assessment can be made....or maybe they just don’t want to tour with Guns & Roses.
GNR DOA
Axle and the boys are rumored to finally be releasing their "Chinese Democracy" album after ten years in the making. Whispers also swirl around the return of Slash and Izzy to the fold.
Guys! It's been over since "The Spaghetti Incident". Move on....live on royalties.....pleeeeease!
You can pick your nose, now you can also pick your teeth
Every wonder why the British have such rotten teeth? A survey released this week stated the Brits admitted to removing food from their teeth with sharp items such as needles, pens, knives, and screwdrivers.
Is there no such thing as dental floss in the UK?.....hmmm Phillips or Robertson?
I need some alone time with myself.
Scientists believe men have a gene dating back to our primitive ancestors making us crave alone time, either by ourselves, (basements, garages, toilets), or with other men, (strip-clubs, poker games, prison.) Funny, they didn't mention the womb. I know I spend a fair bit of my time trying to get back in there.
Painted into a corner
Several would-be vigilantes from Virginia were arrested while on a trip to New York. It seems the youthful rapscallions thought it would be funny to drop full paint cans, ( Rose Periwinkle: Benjamin Moore Classic Collection), from their hotel room window onto the roofs of police cars below.
Too bad the hotel was located directly next to a precinct.
I’ve often wondered if I would fit in, living in a place like Virginia....now I know. I’d be right at home.
New release this week: Hoobastank- Every man for himself
But I recommend:
Zip Zap Rap by Devastatin Dave the Turntable Slave.....with a name like that, what more do you need?
I had an abundance of things to post this week....nay a plethora....however.....
You see, everyday I hear little tidbits I feel, you my reader, would enjoy reading about. So I jot those notes down on a small piece of paper.
By the weekend I’m ready to transfer those notes to the computer screen and organize into a ball making up my weekly Blog....it’s all very high tech.....well maybe not....
There are considerations that must be made.....what story to lead off with, congruent flow, comedic call backs . Contrary to popular belief, it’s not as simple as hiding your beef syringe in some chicks sausage wallet.
Unfortunately, this week I was caught in a torrential downpour on wednesday and my little "high-tech" slip of paper became saturated. The notes melted into a pool of runny black ink. Thus, anything I heard the first part of the week was lost in a puddle of literary mud.
Being the trooper I am I will try to decipher the contents of those notes and post them verbatim anyway. So here goes...
Nibbly weegly wasshga
Argububa...grumfuscatose..simleebence (ha,ha,ha), cormadendink forbagorse latwimbleweed. Furthermore, jimstankablink, purblincabee, kuzstolenfrancenwurmern. Arrrrgh! Quaf! God damnit......If you disagree just say so.....codlightard mufumagoom.
If he only had a brain
Much concern now surrounds the health of Keith Richards who is believed to have brain damage after he fell out of a coconut tree last week. Apparently the elderly rocker has been mumbling incoherently since his tumble, (see previous blog ramble above.)
I have just one question. Has no one listened to this guy speak before he damaged his melon? The only one who could understand him before was Ozzy everything else has always been lost in translation.
The Stones have postponed the next leg of their European tour until a more accurate assessment can be made....or maybe they just don’t want to tour with Guns & Roses.
GNR DOA
Axle and the boys are rumored to finally be releasing their "Chinese Democracy" album after ten years in the making. Whispers also swirl around the return of Slash and Izzy to the fold.
Guys! It's been over since "The Spaghetti Incident". Move on....live on royalties.....pleeeeease!
You can pick your nose, now you can also pick your teeth
Every wonder why the British have such rotten teeth? A survey released this week stated the Brits admitted to removing food from their teeth with sharp items such as needles, pens, knives, and screwdrivers.
Is there no such thing as dental floss in the UK?.....hmmm Phillips or Robertson?
I need some alone time with myself.
Scientists believe men have a gene dating back to our primitive ancestors making us crave alone time, either by ourselves, (basements, garages, toilets), or with other men, (strip-clubs, poker games, prison.) Funny, they didn't mention the womb. I know I spend a fair bit of my time trying to get back in there.
Painted into a corner
Several would-be vigilantes from Virginia were arrested while on a trip to New York. It seems the youthful rapscallions thought it would be funny to drop full paint cans, ( Rose Periwinkle: Benjamin Moore Classic Collection), from their hotel room window onto the roofs of police cars below.
Too bad the hotel was located directly next to a precinct.
I’ve often wondered if I would fit in, living in a place like Virginia....now I know. I’d be right at home.
New release this week: Hoobastank- Every man for himself
But I recommend:
Zip Zap Rap by Devastatin Dave the Turntable Slave.....with a name like that, what more do you need?
Saturday, May 06, 2006
Countdown to Armageddon
6.6.6
For all those pregnant women out there, I’d like to say, better hurry and push em out. June 6th of 06 is only a month away and you don’t want to give birth to the spawn of Satan....or do you?
Bun in the oven
Speaking of preggers, Anna Nicole Smith has joined the ranks with Brittany Speers, by falling onto someone's penis. She's obviously too stupid to do it any other way. She is now rumoured to be in a family way. If that's not bad enough a 63 year old woman in the UK is slated to give birth in the coming months as well.
All I have to say is, someone has to stop K-Fed before he procreates the world.....He must be stopped damn it!
Shaken but not stirred
There was a 2.7 magnitude earthquake in Oakville this week, located on the westside of Toronto and not too far from Mitchieville. I’ll admit as far as tremors go 2.7 is fairly low. The people in California, I can hear you yawning from here.
Surprisingly, as Canadians we also showed little fanfare over the incident. Apparently no beer bottles were broken so it’s all good.
Rabbit season...duck season...rabbit season
Ah....the spring time...love is in the air with the smell of new mown grass, the tops are down on sports cars and some women, and hunting season has begun. In Toronto this means it's open season on cab drivers as this week several assaults and stabbings took place. There was even a police officer shot and killed in Windsor by two punks who thought he was a cabbie.
Very Lucky
An accountant....ok, former accountant, in Quebec became the richest single winner in Canadian lottery history by pocketing 30 million in last week’s Super 7 draw. The record could fall this week with a new jackpot of 35 million.
But you have as much a chance of winning as you have of catching an STD from a cat, or getting struck by lightning while reciting Robbie Burns’ "Address to the Haggis" covered in the sun-baked reek of mud and alfalfa sprouts, or having me come to your house and defecate on your shoes.....actually there’s a really good chance of that last one. Just let me know where you live.
Very Unlucky or perhaps luckier
Earlier this week a piece of an airplane wing fell from the sky and demolished an SUV in a Mississauga parking lot. It happened moments after the woman driving it, parked and got out.
Maybe she should buy a ticket in the next lottery?
The chances of this happening are 10, 000,000 to 1, or almost half as good as winning the 35 million Super 7, or having me defecate on your shoes.....honestly, just tell me where you live.
Very stupid
While on vacation in Fiji, Keith Richards fell out of coconut tree and suffered a slight concussion. After his release from hospital that same day he crashed a jet-ski.
What is with kids today?....Sounds like someone’s trying to get back on the leader board in the death pool.
Just Bring it
This was the cry heard in the city of Detroit before the NHL playoffs got under way. Note: To the Red Wing fans and their team which finished first overall and won the President's Trophy for doing so...... it’s been brought.
Oh my God the president has been impeached.
Actually I was looking like a frickin genius....A genius I tell ya...when I predicted Montreal to beat Carolina and the Oilers to take the Wings to seven games before bowing out. Sadly my first round ended in a flurry of mediocrity at 4-4. So far my 2nd round guesses don’t appear any brighter.
Ottawa vs Buffalo
I was at game 5 in Buffalo vs the Flyers and was impressed by the Sabres speed. However, Ottawa is a much faster and more skilled team than plodding Philadelphia and although the series will probably go 6, I don’t see Buffalo coming out victorious.
New Jersey vs Carolina
I’m not just saying this because I’m a Habs fan but, I can’t see any team beating the eventual Stanley Cup champs. The Devils are too hot, with the most experienced playoff goalie. Cam Ward just doesn’t rate that high after serving most of the season on the bench. Devils in 5
Anaheim vs Colorado
Anaheim went seven games to defeat Calgary in the 1st round and no team since the early nineties has done that and lived to see their name on the cup. Colorado is rested and Theodore has regained his form. Avalanche in 6
Edmonton vs San Jose
Should be a great series and go the distance, but the Oilers won their cup when they ousted Detroit. I just don’t see them mustering the same intensity against Joe Thornton and company
Sharks in 7
All this means is, if you have serious green, bet on a Buffalo vs Carolina / Anaheim vs Edmonton final.
New release this week: Tool-10,000 Days
But I recommend: Let me touch him by The Ministers Quartet
Yup, been a while since the release of a good pedo-audio-phile type recording. In fact, not since The Catholic Five gave us "Put the condom on the Bishop."
For all those pregnant women out there, I’d like to say, better hurry and push em out. June 6th of 06 is only a month away and you don’t want to give birth to the spawn of Satan....or do you?
Bun in the oven
Speaking of preggers, Anna Nicole Smith has joined the ranks with Brittany Speers, by falling onto someone's penis. She's obviously too stupid to do it any other way. She is now rumoured to be in a family way. If that's not bad enough a 63 year old woman in the UK is slated to give birth in the coming months as well.
All I have to say is, someone has to stop K-Fed before he procreates the world.....He must be stopped damn it!
Shaken but not stirred
There was a 2.7 magnitude earthquake in Oakville this week, located on the westside of Toronto and not too far from Mitchieville. I’ll admit as far as tremors go 2.7 is fairly low. The people in California, I can hear you yawning from here.
Surprisingly, as Canadians we also showed little fanfare over the incident. Apparently no beer bottles were broken so it’s all good.
Rabbit season...duck season...rabbit season
Ah....the spring time...love is in the air with the smell of new mown grass, the tops are down on sports cars and some women, and hunting season has begun. In Toronto this means it's open season on cab drivers as this week several assaults and stabbings took place. There was even a police officer shot and killed in Windsor by two punks who thought he was a cabbie.
Very Lucky
An accountant....ok, former accountant, in Quebec became the richest single winner in Canadian lottery history by pocketing 30 million in last week’s Super 7 draw. The record could fall this week with a new jackpot of 35 million.
But you have as much a chance of winning as you have of catching an STD from a cat, or getting struck by lightning while reciting Robbie Burns’ "Address to the Haggis" covered in the sun-baked reek of mud and alfalfa sprouts, or having me come to your house and defecate on your shoes.....actually there’s a really good chance of that last one. Just let me know where you live.
Very Unlucky or perhaps luckier
Earlier this week a piece of an airplane wing fell from the sky and demolished an SUV in a Mississauga parking lot. It happened moments after the woman driving it, parked and got out.
Maybe she should buy a ticket in the next lottery?
The chances of this happening are 10, 000,000 to 1, or almost half as good as winning the 35 million Super 7, or having me defecate on your shoes.....honestly, just tell me where you live.
Very stupid
While on vacation in Fiji, Keith Richards fell out of coconut tree and suffered a slight concussion. After his release from hospital that same day he crashed a jet-ski.
What is with kids today?....Sounds like someone’s trying to get back on the leader board in the death pool.
Just Bring it
This was the cry heard in the city of Detroit before the NHL playoffs got under way. Note: To the Red Wing fans and their team which finished first overall and won the President's Trophy for doing so...... it’s been brought.
Oh my God the president has been impeached.
Actually I was looking like a frickin genius....A genius I tell ya...when I predicted Montreal to beat Carolina and the Oilers to take the Wings to seven games before bowing out. Sadly my first round ended in a flurry of mediocrity at 4-4. So far my 2nd round guesses don’t appear any brighter.
Ottawa vs Buffalo
I was at game 5 in Buffalo vs the Flyers and was impressed by the Sabres speed. However, Ottawa is a much faster and more skilled team than plodding Philadelphia and although the series will probably go 6, I don’t see Buffalo coming out victorious.
New Jersey vs Carolina
I’m not just saying this because I’m a Habs fan but, I can’t see any team beating the eventual Stanley Cup champs. The Devils are too hot, with the most experienced playoff goalie. Cam Ward just doesn’t rate that high after serving most of the season on the bench. Devils in 5
Anaheim vs Colorado
Anaheim went seven games to defeat Calgary in the 1st round and no team since the early nineties has done that and lived to see their name on the cup. Colorado is rested and Theodore has regained his form. Avalanche in 6
Edmonton vs San Jose
Should be a great series and go the distance, but the Oilers won their cup when they ousted Detroit. I just don’t see them mustering the same intensity against Joe Thornton and company
Sharks in 7
All this means is, if you have serious green, bet on a Buffalo vs Carolina / Anaheim vs Edmonton final.
New release this week: Tool-10,000 Days
But I recommend: Let me touch him by The Ministers QuartetYup, been a while since the release of a good pedo-audio-phile type recording. In fact, not since The Catholic Five gave us "Put the condom on the Bishop."
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