Branding gone wrong

Teaching me something I don't know

An Education



Seems every year at the Oscars there's always a film in the running no one has seen, no one knows about, no one's ever heard of- 2008 The Reader; 2007 Atonement/ There Will Be Blood (take your pick); 2006 Letters From Iwo Jima; and on it goes Gosford Park, The Pianist, Crouching Tiger Hidden Douflingus. Why should this year be any different with An Education?

From what I can tell from the trailer, an older English dude- Peter Sarsgaard who is creepy at best most of the time, seduces a young chick with a cello, takes her to Paris, humps her out of her pants and I think gets her to swing with another couple.... don't quote me. It is, after all, only the trailer.

But let's explore the reality here: 8 out of 10 pretty well known films vying for Oscar bragging rights vs an entry no one knew existed- hmmm slim odds there, unless the Academy decides to get all English Patient on our ass and bore us to death with this year's telecast.

Ten for that, you must be mad?

So here we are. Just over a week away from the Oscars and I've got ten movies to review. TEN! Were there even ten good movies this year? Seems the movie industry is pushing worthless crap out their womb faster than immigrant refugees abusing the welfare system, or do I have to remind you of Land of the Lost and 2012?

Yet, never the less, I will do my best to sort through the mess and give you my opinion on what I feel are the Oscar worthy films and I might as well start with a good one.

Inglorious Basterds



This is the first time since the glory days of Pulp Fiction that Quentin Tarantino finds himself occupying a seat at the Kodak. In my perfect Oscar world, Basterds pulls the upset, Tarantino walks away with the statue and beats everyone else in attendance to death with a baseball bat. But this isn't my perfect world is it?

Plus, the man hasn't exactly churned out excellent celluloid like this in some time- see Death Proof.

Inglorious Basterds, I found to be quite mesmerizing and at least worthy of some kind of recognition next Sunday night, but we all know that's not going to happen.
Maybe Hollywood needs a visit from the Bear Jew?

Your eggs in one basket #12 quad shot

The weekend links

Scale the Universe. I'm not kidding when I say, you could smoke a fat one and sit for hours playing with this thing trying to wrap your head around it.

When the epiphany arrives you can go here and celebrate the break through with some instant Chan, but you'll be disappointed if you expect Jackie Chan.

Finally, what better way to leave you Saturday morning than with Hot Chicks and Fish.

The week's numbers

14 freaky serial killers you never heard of.

14 of the funniest police composites.

The 20 worst tramp stamps.

Creepy sex-ed video of the week

Branding gone wrong

Your eggs in one basket #11

Book of the weak Club

A very short book. In fact, only 2 pages in length and most of it spent thanking family and friends for believing in the project. In the end not a great read although it will have you turning pages quickly. However, it was a little anticlimactic for my liking and in the end not worth the 2 minutes, 12 seconds it took to read only to find *spoiler alert*, other than singing higher, there are no advantages.

Branding gone wrong #2

Your eggs in one basket #10

Strange links to end the week

How about- Don't shoot the puppy.

Squirrel and laser gun.

The Jesus, Kirk and Vinny blog.

Creepy sex-ed video of the week

Branding gone wrong

All-time numbers

The 35 funniest TV captions of alltime.

The 33 funniest classified ads of alltime

The 32 worst book titles of all-time.

All your eggs in one basket #9

Valentine's Day cards.

Cards

More cards.

And even more cards. G.I. Joe style.

Last minute Valentine's prep.

Romance Novel yourself.

How to find that special anyone.

Top 10 valentine's Day gifts.

Valentine's Day Preparation #3

The Olympics by the numbers

As we head into the winter games in Vancouver, I thought some numbers would be appropriate....

21 hotties to watch for at the Winter Olympics.

The 25 most gruesome sports injuries. It's not the Olympics, but what the hey...

25 of the funniest translation fails. Well....the games are multi-national. See how I tied that in?

Pictures for bad parents

Valentine's Day Preparation #2

All your eggs in one basket: Olympic edition

Give the gift of love this Valentine's Day

Give her Ugly Furniture!

UGLY FURNITURE - watch more funny videos

Valentine's Day preparation #1

Creepy sex-ed video of the week

All your eggs in one basket #8

Pilates for dudes

Give the gift of love this Valentine's Day

Really, how can she say no to the Love Mitten?

Although it does sound like a sexual metaphor.

Give the gift of love this Valentine's Day

The pussy pump. If that doesn't say I love you nothing will.

All your eggs in one basket #7

Tuesday stuff...cause you're bored as hell

Go to the Pop-can Library.

Then play some Zombie Cricket.

Then check out, cute things exploding, which I feel is self-explanatory.

Give the gift of love this Valentine's Day

OMG is that what I think it is?

It is!

It's a tuna can strainer. If that doesn't say love I don't know what does.

Or you could get her one of these......the pussy pump.

But personally, my money's on the strainer.

Direct to the point

This is what would happen if famous directors were allowed to direct the Super Bowl.

Incredible journey gets a story book ending

That's right "Who Dat Nation", five years after Katrina nearly took New Orleans off the map, the Saints have captured the NFL crown.

To all those who doubted and for the unfortunate Colts fans, you can go here and realize your frustration.

Pictures for bad parents

This is why the Who Dat Nation is better

It's the fans baby, it's the fans.

Super- Super Bowl links

Do you want all the Super Bowl commercials ever shown? Go here.

It's the Super Bowl Cheerleader showdown. Who has the best looking cheerleaders? You decide.

So you're a chick and you're not GIGC. You know nothing about football. You think Brees is a warm summer wind and Manning is your significant other taking responsibility for the wrongs he's done to you. Well now you can be up on all you need to know about today's game if you're a woman.

And if your team happens to lose today, here is the complete history of the word "Mother-fucker."

All your eggs in one basket #6

I think it would have been better if the eggs were all wearing little Colts uniforms.

Super Bowl by the numbers

So it's Super Bowl Sunday and before the black and gold go home to the Who Dat Nation with the bling , I thought some football numbers might be in order.

The 10 sexiest Super Bowl commercials.

The 20 hottest wives/girlfriends in Super Bowl history.

The top 10 Super Bowl disgraces.

The 10 worst Quarteback performances in the Super Bowl history. I guess it's too much to ask for that Payton Manning will be added to the list after today?

The top 10 Super Bowl fails of alltime. Anything dealing with the Bills comes to mind.

Win one for the Manning

Archie that is, who quartebacked the Saints back in the day, when they were simply the "Aints".

Give the gift of love this Valantine's Day

Special gift for your loved one....



Are you paying attention Dickie?

And more medical simulations to choose from. Find the one right for you.

Win one for the GIGC

That's right GIGC, is going absolutely fuckin' nuts and pissin' crazy right now, because her team- the New Orleans Saints- are competing for their first Lombardi Trophy in franchise history on Sunday......Go Saints!!!!

All your eggs in one basket #5

Creepy sex-ed video of the week

Only time will tell

If Ol' Strange was an amazing profit of Nostradamus proportions, or simply trying to score some sex.

True story:

Back in September of 09, after handing Buffalo a resounding defeat at that piece of shit they call Ralph Wilson Stadium, GIGC and I ventured around back of the bleak structure to wait with family and friends for the New Orleans Saints players to exit the locker room.

Enter Darren Sharper, Will Smith, and Johnathon Vilma (I think), for a meet and greet with all those waiting.

After being snubbed for an autograph earlier by Tracy Porter who did all but masturbate on the twenty yard line in his post game victory celebration, GIGC's expectations of successfully landing the John Hancock of one of her heroes wasn't particularly high.

Enter Marcus Colston- all 19' 8" of him to tower over us all.

GIGC squealed with delight, "Marcus! Marcus! Over here Marcus!"

Much to our surprise Marcus actually came over to us, his tall behemoth frame eclipsing the moon.

"Would you sign my jersey?" GIGC said as she handed him her Sharpie.

"OK," he said. "Where would you like it?"

GIGC pushed out her ta-tas barely contained within the stretched fabric of her Drew Brees uniform. "Oh anywhere," she said.

Marcus's eyes switched to me as I grinned widely and decided her shoulder was a safer bet.
"Do you have another Sharpie? This one isn't working," he said.

It was true. His scribble was nowhere to be seen. Sadly GIGC bowed her head and said, "no, but thanks anyway."

Marcus said, "sorry" and sauntered back to another group of people.

GIGC was inconsolable.

"Well why didn't you just get a picture with him?" I said wiggling the digital camera at her.

She was off like a perfect spiral into the end zone. "Marcus! Marcus! Can I get a picture with you?"

"OK," he said and lowered his frame so I didn't have to run across the parking lot to get them both in the picture.

*Click*

GIGC was happy thanking him repeatedly and how it was great to meet a future hall of famer. I kept thinking, man am I ever going to get some great sex out of this.

I felt I too should thank this elite member of the football gods, but all that came out was, "Good luck in the Super Bowl."

So, I ask you, did I say that to ice the sexual cake, or do I have extraordinary sensitivity to nonphysical or supernatural forces?

GIGC has already paid up on her side, now it's time for the Saints and Marcus Colston to make me look like a psychic genius.