Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Where's my chapter?

Sorry, for those of you have been anxiously awaiting the next instalment of Hijacking Heaven, there wasn't one this week.

I was away seeing the Saints dismantle the Bills in Buffalo. Besides I haven't written the next chapter yet.

As a peace offering I present to you: Women with body painted sports uniforms.

It's a numbers game

15 of the lamest musician deaths.

The top 20 websites that hate things.

The top 100 internet videos of the 00's.

Monday, September 28, 2009

What pisses me off: part 3



Stupid, simplistic drawings of anything to do with sexual education bug the hell out of me. I mean if you are going to get your point across, use the real deal graphic, or otherwise, not....hey...I think my kid drew this in the 2nd grade.......Way to go Son!

Friday, September 25, 2009

Something new for a Friday.

Over the years I have come to realize that my friends and I have a knack for....well no so much destroying photos we are in, as enhancing them in a hilarious way. My buddy Bob Noxious especially, has a particular talent for getting in the picture. This is known as a photo bomb.

For instance, below is a picture of Noxious and I ruining Kate Winslet's big Oscar acceptance speech at the 2009 Oscars. I seem to recall her being quite upset that I pushed the statuette into her right nipple. Now you get the idea.



I figured since we seem to be so good at doing this, other must be too and I'm going to start posting Photo Bombs on subsequent Fridays in hopes of ending your week on a high note with a giggle or too.

What pisses me off: part 2



That old frickin' dog from next door that my neighbours let run free and who shits in my yard because he's got no god-damn bowel control cause he's so old and....you know what? I think the dog's dead.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Here come the mid-week numbers

I know you've been waiting weeks for this one. 30 ridiculous taser headlines.

20 of the creepiest feminine hygiene products. There's 20! Really?

The 15 most embarrassing cakes that still look yummy.

Another post gone to the dogs

Since we seem to be on a theme today let us continue with.....

Books involving animals that are so terribly wrong yet funny.

Doggy got a bone?

A few weeks ago I posted a link that showed what happens when you type "Hot chicks" and "Dog shit" into the search engine.

Today is like that , but oh so different.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Hijacking Heaven- Chapter XXXVII

Sheppard and Amber with the unconscious Malcolm Buck still in tow, raced toward the direction they had heard the explosions and seen the plumes of smoke ascend skyward.
Ahead of them, beyond the next turn, they could see the burned-out shell of a truck still smouldering, its side riddled with bullets in the aftermath of a violent attack. The wreckage of vehicles and equipment seemed to be everywhere in a sudden downpour of twisted and blackened metal strewn about the road and forest. Some of the shrapnel hung, or was embedded in nearby trees.

Sheppard slowed the bike to a crawl and manoeuvred through the pylons of debris in the remnants, of what seemed to be, a road block now vacant of life. A few flaming brands still burned with the crackle of a brush fire, but outside of that there didn’t appear to be any one left manning the post.

He turned off the bike and he and Amber slowly climbed off. The smell of diesel permeated the air and puddles of oil and fuel seeped into various tributaries along their path. Sheppard pulled Grant’s gun from the satchel and held it out in front of him just in case. He had dialled back the setting from it’s medium position to a minimal one, in hopes that if he had to use it, it would only incapacitate and not kill. "Stay behind me Amber. Be cautious....What the hell happened here?"

Amber almost jumped with glee. "Rabbit. He did this."

Sheppard crouched down by a blackened impression that nearly took up the entire road. "Judging from some of the craters and the depth of the impact, I’d have to say the attack came from the air. There’s no way Rabbit is responsible for this."

"I’m telling you, this was Rabbit helping us. I don't know how he did, but I feel it."

Sheppard cocked his head to the side as if trying to decide how to respond to the absurdity of her comment. He rose to his feet and shook his head in disbelief. The two walked further, circumventing the crater and avoiding several puddles of fuel. They searched among the rubble looking for signs of life while Malcolm Buck slept soundly in the trailer behind the ATV. There didn't seem to be any casualties, just riddled metal, disabled machinery and a graveyard of empty shell casings crunching beneath their feet.

"Whatever it was,or whoever it was that did this, everyone else sure cut and run pretty quick." Sheppard noted the tire tacks that cut into the dirt heading north.

"See, just like Rabbit said. Stick to the roads and we'd be safe."

"OK Amber. I`m not going to debate you. I'll just thank our lucky stars we can get beyond this point. Come on, let's go."

The two turned back to the ATV as a cloud of dust kicked up from the direction they had just come from. A camouflaged jeep emerged from the cumulus and raced up. It skidded to a halt near the hulking silhouette of Malcolm Buck and the ATV. Two men in hazmat suits jumped from the vehicle brandishing machine guns. "Stay where you are! Don`t move!"

Amber and Sheppard stopped dead in the middle of the road. Sheppard whispered to Amber, "get behind me." She did as she was told and slid in behind Sheppard.

One of the men commanded. "You there! Drop your weapon!" He motioned at Grant's gun.

"OK! Don't shoot! There's a young girl here!" Sheppard used his thumb to crank the dial up to a maximum setting, then held his arms out in Jesus Christ pose as if to surrender the fire arm. "Amber, I want you to run for cover as soon as you can."

The soldier barked his order again, "Drop...your...weapon...NOW!"

"What? This old thing?" Sheppard squeezed the trigger and sent a blast into a nearby disabled army truck as Amber scurried to the protection of an armoured turret decapitated from the body of a tank. The blast from Grant's gun blew the hood of the truck right off in a shower of sparks and flame, sending a towering column of smoke into the heavens.

The two men looked in awe at the damage the weapon had just caused then turned to one another.

Sheppard pointed the weapon at the two men. "Still want me to drop it? I'm not afraid to die. I've been dead once already today."

Sheppard fired another shot into the road hitting a river of diesel between the ATV and the jeep. A wall of flame sprang up from the ground cutting the road in two.

Quickly the soldiers backed up and got into their vehicle, jamming it into reverse. They retreated back down the road the way they'd come, spitting gravel as they did.

Sheppard reached out his hand to Amber. "Come on we don`t have much time. They'll be back with reinforcements. I'd wager on it."

Sheppard and the girl ran to the ATV. He climbed aboard and pulled Amber up, setting her behind him.

He fired up the engine and pulled away heading for the other side of the road block, pulling past the various craters to open road once more. In the distance more explosions bellowed and Sheppard cranked the bike to a maximum speed while Malcolm Buck's body jumped in the trailer from every bump. Amber hung on to Sheppard for dear life. "Slow down!"

"We can't afford to," Sheppard yelled above the rush of air. "We have no...."

There was another series of explosions from somewhere off in the distance and a rumbling as if the earth were about to give way beneath their feet. Sheppard open the bike up full throttle and pressed on, his tattered shreds of shirt blowing in the wind. A tingling seemed to come right through his fingers from the handle bars of the bike and he was finding in increasingly difficult to keep control. His hands and feet felt numb and unresponsive. All about them the ground seemed to be shaking as from the tremor of an earthquake and the bike bounced as if riding over an uneven ripple of rock. Another blast wave hit. Trees began to topple over in front of them, crashing to the road with vehement force.

"What the hell is this now?!" Sheppard swerved to miss them, but the weight of the trailer and its cargo, made avoidance impossible. the ATV struck several branches and turned on its side sending the bodies of Sheppard, Amber and Malcolm Buck airborne into the ditch.

The world around them went black.

Sunday numbers


25 awesome lost and found signs.

10 crazy conspiracy theories

The 16 funniest fake bands of all time.

Hey! Anyone seen Rammstein's new video?

Go here then.

But I like their thinking. "You've got a pussy, I've got a dick. So what's the problem?"

Check! All right!


Worst Mic Check Guy Ever -- powered by Cracked.com

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Hijacking Heaven- Chapter XXXVI

Rabbit had vaulted along the roadway in the direction of Logan’s Pass. From above he could see the dotted outline of a road block ahead and knew if the others did what he had instructed, they would drive right into it.

Rabbit eased the Cycler to the right and forward. His feet kicked lightly and the rear rotor pedal and he guided the Apache Longbow into an attack formation. The automatic stabilizer kept the craft flying smoothly. The helicopter responded with a rapid descent toward the road block. Rabbit checked the digital screens for weapons readout. The computer asked, Laser mark targets?

Rabbit responded, “How the hell do I do that?” He touched the video screen leaving red circled impressions in the woods by the road side.

The computer reported, Targets acquired.

“As if?” Rabbit pressed the fire button. Two Hellfire missiles launched and tracked into the forest near the road block sending columns of flames and smoke into the sky. The boy was in awe. “Whoa!”

He pulled up and circled around for another pass. Below he could see man and machine scrambling for cover as the brigade of army vehicles came to life like an agitated ant hill. Beside him the helmet squawked, “Grant are you crazy? What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

“This is so cool!” Rabbit jogged the throttle, pitching the chopper to the right and circled around, ready for another attack. Once again the helmet pleaded for him to stand down. This time he touched a couple of vehicles on the screen and fired again. The missiles sent one truck and a jeep into oblivion as its occupants jumped out the doors and scampered to cover. He fired the 30 mm automatic canon this time too, sending a rain of armour piercing rounds down on his prey. "Holy shit! This is way better than any video game!"

Rabbit pulled up and then swung about heading further north along the road. He headed west following another road in that direction. He could see that he was being followed by the remnants of the road block amid the chaos of airwave chatter alerting others to the attack.

Inside Rabbit’s guts churned with the rush of flying, the nervous anticipation and the rising feeling of sickness. Like a deep ocean swell it emerged to the surface drowning all other sensations. He knew he was getting close to the real target- the LHC and a blueness started to cloud his vision. Rabbit felt uneasy. Was he traveling toward his own doom?

A new voice was now on the helmet now, commanding and powerful, one telling him to stand down, or he would be fired upon and destroyed. “You are entering restricted airspace. Stand down! You will be escorted by two fighters. If you do not comply you will be shot out of the sky. Respond.”

The cockpit screen beeped a warning signature at Rabbit. Two F-18 fighters inbound from behind.

Once again the helmet told him, "if you continue on your current course we will shoot you down."

Ahead of him, Rabbit could see the outline of a man made complex delved into the rock face. It was a dull gray dome surrounded by a walled complex and several buildings. Guard towers jutted from the ground like dull teeth amid several bunkers. There were a few roadways leading in, which converged into the main gate. Several idle transport trucks, with their flat-beds empty, sat dormant in a semi circle inside the complex gates.

"That must be what Mr. Sheppard was talking about." It had to be. In the middle of this vast wilderness it could be nothing else.

"Just a little further." The computer warning lights beeped frantically. Heat seeking missiles inbound from enemy fighters. Rabbit punched everything he could find resembling a weapon on the screen as the missiles closed in on him. Two more Hellfire missiles launched from the firing rails on the pylons beneath the wings. Several air to air rockets exploded out of the Hydra launchers. He moved the Cycler from side to side, making the helicopter pitch and weave, but the missiles closed in and would destroy him in seconds.

Rabbit punched a button next to the computer screen that said Black Hole infrared suppression system. He remembered hearing Sheppard whisper of a new weapon involving black holes and hoped against all hope that this might be something like it. He held his breath. This was it, or his life was over.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Yard sale season coming to an end

But there is still time to pick up some spectacular deals. Just check out what I was able to pick up this morning.

Stress relieving Boobie Ball

Cost: $2.00

Touch it, squeeze it, love it!

I tell ya, I already feel more relaxed.





Some album I didn't want.

Cost:
Free

The dude with the Boobie Ball actually begged me to take it...and...well...I really wanted that Boobie Ball.


Vagina Pendants:

The dude wanted $5 a piece, but I managed to get all four for $12.

Well, my Christmas shopping is done.

I said I am your father!


Animals with light sabers That is all.

Honestly, what would you do if I wasn't here?

Dog shit and hot chicks

Every once and a while I like to type words into the search engine that are polar opposite from one another just to see what comes up. Today's search would just happen to be "Dog shit" and "Hot Chicks".

Well crush my left testicle if a site didn't come up that gave me both. I will now share it with you.

Hot chicks and Dog shit.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

More timeless wisdom

With Larry David

Yup! On 9/9/09- the day of infinite whatever- this is the best I can do.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Monday, September 07, 2009

And on this day...

He rested.

It is after all....Labour Day

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Flow-chart of the week

What will happen at your Labour Day barbecue

Hijacking Heaven- Chapter ?

Ok, so no chapter this week. It is after all Labour Day Weekend and I'm taking it off....so-to-speak.

In it's place I present to you....

Signs that won't make you go to church.

The yesterday post that never was

Hitler's back and mad as hell at Disney's recent purchase of Marvel.

The Thursday post that never was

Basically, advice on how to survive anything.

The Wednesday post that never was

Or the timeless words of wisdom from Trailer Park Boys, Bubbles.

The Tuesday post that never was

It's actually a numbers game.....

The 10 greatest post-kill puns.

The 10 strangest ice cream flavors.

The 10 strangest Jeopardy moments.

I guess now you can see why I missed Tuesday's post......

Friday, September 04, 2009

Strange and the real girl

So, I found this site called Real Doll, which , if you've seen that movie "Lars and the real girl", you'd understand.

Apparently their goal is to recreate a companion that is more human than human....



I thought that was the motto of Tyrel Corporation in Blade Runner, or a White Zombie song?....oh whatever.

Anyhoo, they're quite expensive, JESUS! $6,500!, not to mention a little creepy and you can design everything from body type, eye/ hair color to whether you want pubic hair on the cha-cha, or just clean shaven.
And hold on ladies cause they have a few models just for you as well. You can even order the hoo-hoo dilly in extra large if you'd like.

Personally I think the dudes look like those ventriloquist dummies from the horror film where they come to life and kill you as you sleep, but that's just me.

All the while with each alteration *cha-ching* the price goes up.

Yup they sure have come along way from the days of blowing up your own. You know, the ones with the ones with left over Easter grass for hair, permanently outstretched arms and three- count 'em!- three tunnels of love!




So if I had to choose my type from the many faces listed, I'd probably go with.....hmmm....I can't decide, but that's OK, because you can order the whole catalogue of faces an interchange them

I'm still trying to figure out how to pry the mouth open. Damn I hate teeth. Wonder if you can get one without?