Sunday, August 27, 2006

Blogs you didn't see ( first of 3)

With the picture post on the blink for the past few weeks, I was unable to display images necessary to the following blogs. As a result they were not viewed in a timely fashion and perhaps, after witnessing them now, you wished you still hadn't seen them.

Regardless, here they are.

Results of Camp Mitchieville

Once again it was a productive set of meetings at this year’s political retreat in Camp Mitchieville on the banks of Lake Simcoe and the Kashamawigamawog.

Need proof? Just do the comparison between 2005 and 2006 and you'll see there was a greater camaraderie; a synergy if you will. An essential willingness to get things done for the greater good of the tax paying public..

It was also a chance to put the peoples hard earned money to use with some well deserved recreational activities. Newly appointed Minister of the Interior Jim Nasium, with outstanding displays of the vernacular, usurped last years champion Fenris Badwolf at trivia.

"Ok for me 10 things you find in an have thirty seconds.....GO!.........10 things you’d find in an aquarium.......the clock is ticking Jim........come on give me just one have 15 seconds Jim.......Jim?...."

Then Jim teamed up with Trebor Enots and smoked everyone at synchronized snoozing.

Despite the frivolity, much was accomplished as follows:

Garbage pick-up will now be Thursday instead of Tuesday in the Tri-county area.

Four more hotdog vender licences will be awarded to the Uberstrassen Holiday Resort and Tourist Causeway.

The band shell at Old City Hall will be reconstructed after it was burned down two years ago by Homeless Eddie and a statue to Mayor Sr. will be erected. This will now be deemed a pigeon free zone, so kids, please keep your pet pigeons at home.

Smoking will no longer be allowed in public toilets, but strippers are still ok.

In an effort to serve and protect, the Mitchieville police force will be doubled in size with the hiring blitz of two more officers.

Also since Michigan is no longer taking our garbage, a temporary emergency landfill has been designated in Herb Grumbles backyard. Sorry about that Herb, but it's all for the greater good.

Oh......almost forgot.....the decision to sepearate from the rest of Canada and form the country of Mitchieland was defeated by a count of 11-1.

Remember, we are working with you to build a better Mitchieville.

Blogs you didn't see (part deux)

A few weeks ago the Mayor posted this picture of Val Kilmer.

Little did he know there was a deeper connection between this image and a more infamous picture. After several painstaking minutes of searching, I finally found what I was looking for on the DSE, (Derek Search Engine), which in my opinion is the only place to find the true information. Fuck Google!

With the conspiracy uncovered I present to you the missing link......Val Kilmer is really the notorious Bigfoot.

Blogs you didn't see (part III)

Recommended listening for the past two weeks.

Now you have to go out and buy them both. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Must have been the bandwidth

Just when I thought the Blog was going to the dogs and other animals, the pictures are back. Extremely good news, especially for those of you out there who can't read. I guess I must have posted one too many pictures of Johnny Wad.

But, with out further delay, let's get on with it and spank this monkey.

Losing sleep over counting sheep

Norman Goulet, a rancher from St. Claude, south of Portage la Prairie, Manitoba, has had his sheep rustled three times in the past three years. The latest heist took place earlier this month.

Sheep missing in Manitoba? Buddy do you need me to spell it out for you?

I’ve been to Manitoba. Outside of Siberia and Antarctica it’s the loneliest, coldest place on the planet. I bet if you checked you’d find an unexplained increase in the purchase of high heels, fishnets, and rubber boots.

At least that’s how we used to do it back on the farm.

To sleep perchance to catch an infectious disease

Paris Hilton is auctioning off her king-sized bed, mattress, crusty sheets, and scuziod pillows. The only thing missing from the bid, and for good reason, is one of those CSI black-light crime-scene kits.

Paris will donate 10% of the proceeds to charity. Wow! A whopping 10% Are you sure you can afford it Paris?

Saddly there is already extensive interest from various idiots, who I'm sure, will only want to add to the items questionable nature by jerking-off on it.

Go here be an idiot.

Paramount no longer on Cruise control

Paramount pictures has decided to sever ties with actor Tom Cruise sighting his unusual and troubling behavior over the past months. Who didn’t see this coming?......

Personally I’m not big on Cruise and his acting. His characters always seemed a bit recycled. I don’t even know why I posted this when there are more important stories out

Moo laddie

Some Irish farmers agree their cows moo in regional dialects.

I'm not sure if they came to this conclusion sober or after several pints but.......Bessie with a baroque? Seems like a lot of bull to me.

Czech out the porn

And that’s what many Swedish viewers did when they tuned in for their nightly news cast. Images of Czech porn played on a TV monitor in the background while an unsuspecting announcer delivered the news.

I’ll bet they had record numbers of viewers the next night. After all, porn is the universal language. No subtitles needed. If they'd only let it, I'm sure it could end all conflict, heal the sick, replace all dietary supplements, give us all inspiration to get through the work week, and reveal the meaning of life.

It was a Mickey Mouse planet anyway

Scientists met this week to decide over the addition of three new planets to our solar system. At the end of the debate, they instead demoted Pluto to just another orbit thingy from its previous planet status.

I agree whole heartedly. In fact I've always maintained that.......wait for it.......
the universe should end with Uranus. *ba-dum-ba*

Echoing the gecko

Scientists are working on new super-stick, reusable adhesive. The principle is based on the millions of tiny hairs found on the gecko which allow the creature to attach itself to any surface, even glass.

Hmm.....If only Paramount had been able to get their hands of some of it, Tom Cruise might still be there.

Playing the Amazing Race card

The buzz over the new TV season is all about Survivor and how they will segregate contestants into four tribes of five, based on ethnicity: Asian, Black, Hispanic and Caucasian.

This is causing an uproar with the general public who see this as a racist, motivated move to increase ratings.

Personally I think it’s about time we had the Chinks, Jigs, Spics and that crazy Ol’ Cracker "Whitey" face one another to determine the superior race. Sieg Heil!.......

RELAX PEOPLE! IT"S A TV SHOW!.....geesh! What sensitive mother fuckers.

New Release this week: Paris (hey....It will go with your new bed.)

But I recommend: Hey Mr. Banjo........and you Survivor protesters can just fuck-off.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Pictures at eleven?

First of all, I’m staying away from the whole JonBenet Ramsey/ John Mark Karr ordeal. What could I possibly tell you that isn't already known? That he drugged and then had sex with her before "accidentally" killing the six-year-old.

Besides, I have more important rants in mind. Like suddenly, this fuckin' Blog won’t let me post pictures. WTF!

If that’s the case, I’m doomed. The pictures distract from my bad writing. Perhaps squeezing a few more seconds out of an unsuspecting browser who thought he was going to see naked chicks from Pottahawk and is searching my pages frantically to find them.

Now what the hell am I suppose to do to keep your attention? Just use harsh language?

Cock sucker!

Just friends

Jennifer Aniston would like everyone to know, her and Vince Vaughn are not engaged, and have no plans to do so. She also has no plans to have sex with a drugged six-year-old girl. It's so over done anyway.

Snakes will rake it in

"Snakes on a Plane," opened this week to much hyperbole and fanfare.

It’s such a stupid premiss. Yet, it will probably be number 1 at the box office after this weekend.....but, who the fuck cares?

I can’t post pictures!

Ok I realize I’m carrying on like a child at the zoo who’s just lost his red balloon. Which is the most important thing to him in the least until he finds the chimp cages.....but it pisses me off just the same.

Another man’s garbage is your gold

A Delta airline memo to employees recommended, since pay raises were no longer imminent, ways on how to save money. This included going through other peoples trash cans for food and...........

I mean I tried and tried. I can’t get one picture up. NOT ONE! deal....

You’d think with modern technology something like this wouldn’t happen. I had some really cool pics to post too. Not like the usual garbage I throw up here...... but now, forget it. It’s so last week.

Now it's a good old Goys club

The airline industry continues to struggle with new carry on implementations after last week’s foiling of a terrorist plot.

Added to the list of banned items are aerosol cans and Jews.

The aerosol cans I can see, but Jews?

Sure most Muslims have it in for Jews, however, there’s no reason to ban them from flying. I mean.......

What?....Juice you say?.....Not Jews?........Oh.......Never mind.

You can't ride this Harley anymore

Rufus Harley died this week.

"Who was Rufus Harley?" You say.

Why, only the first person ever to adapt bagpipes to jazz and play with greats like Myles Davis. In fact he was known as the "Pied piper of Jazz."

Now what are the great jazz musicians going to do when they need the Rufus sound? I guess they’ll just have to go back to tossing cats against a brick wall.

Oh, his picture's here BTW, if you want to see what he looked like.

Turning Japanese

Say hello to "Sapporo Honey Brown," after Canada’s biggest independent brewer, Sleeman’s, was bought out by Sapporo of Japan.

With the take-over, "Moosehead" is now the next best thing in Canada.

So, show your support. Be proudly Canadian and go out and get some Moosehead.

Right now, there are people from other countries reading this and wondering what sick, animal-loving, mother fuckers we are.

It’s the principle

School Principle Maria Pantelone, sister of Toronto’s deputy Mayor Joe Pantelone, was charged with throwing human feces at two children.

Personally, I don’t see what the problem is. It’s not like she told them it was chocolate and peanuts. And it’s not like she drugged and then had sex with a 6-year-old. It was just feces tossed at kids who were probably asking for it.

Hell every week on Casual Friday’s at Mitchieville City Hall, we not only wear our comfortable clothes around the Mayor’s office we often chuck bags of our own excrement at one another.

It’s a little messy I’ll admit, but hilarious all the same....wish I could post a picture of it....but you know...that old chestnut.

New release this week (picture unavailable)

But I recommend...... (picture unavailable)

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Harikari-on luggage

A terrorist plot to destroy as many as ten jet airliners, on route to the U.S. in mid-flight, was thwarted this week by London police. As details were released it appeared Mohammad MacGyver had been hard at work with a plot involving explosive concoctions hidden in sport drink bottles easily detonated by ipods, or cell phones.

Now, new restrictions are in place for those traveling by air: no liquid allowed in carry-on luggage. No lubes, no KY, no vials of celebrity fecal remnants, nothing.

Personally, I never travel anywhere with out my much coveted Madonna corn textured nugget, and my phial of Brittany Speers vaginal secretions extracted from her fluffy sausage wallet.

If this keeps up, soon you won’t be able to take anything on, Snakes on a Plane? How did that happen?

With all this paranoia and security it’s going to be tough for OBL, (Osama bin Laden, not to be confused with OBJ, "One Ball Joe"), and the boys to come up with something more constructively destructive.

What’s next? I suppose they’ll inject their dicks with nitroclycerine and shove plastic explosives up their ass to be ignited with a blue dart.

But this begs the question: How are you going to fuck all those virgins in the afterlife with no penis?

However, all the hoopla is not without a positive spin as gas prices plummeted to under a buck a litre. Thank you Al Qaeda.

In other news

The new Oliver Stone picture, "World Trade Center," opened this week.

I plan on seeing it, so don’t spoil the ending for me.

Manatee in Manhatten

No it’s not a new J Lo flick. The massive animal known as a manatee was spotted in the Hudson River at least three times in the last week; first off the Chelsea and Harlem sections of Manhattan, then to the north in Sleepy Hollow in Westchester County. there's an idea. I can hear the reports on CNN already.......

"Terrorists carried out a new threat by releasing hundreds of the sea-loving creatures ladden with explosives into the sewer systems of New York causing massive destruction and loss of life......Oh the hu-manatee!"

At least it would make an entertaining film.

Say, is Samuel L. Jackson free?

As long as they're not Hobbits

A parade later this month in Auckland New Zealand will feature up to 30 porn stars riding on the back of motorcycles or in open cars to promote an erotica exposition.

Jesus! I'd love to see that.

Oh look here comes the "Ass to mouth float."

Say "chowder" Frenchy

The name and logo for the new ABA Quebec basketball franchise has come under severe scrutiny as most francophones consider it offensive. Go here and decide for yourself.

Damn frogs.....always complaining about something.

Fido may be gone but so is my acne

Dog meat has long been regarded as a stamina food in both Koreas, widely consumed on hot summer days in particular.

Well at least they don't have to worry about stepping in shit when they cut the lawn. Can ya tell I'm a cat person?

But a pro-Pyongyang newspaper in Japan reported Wednesday, dog meat has also become increasingly popular among women in North Korea because the traditional Korean delicacy is believed to be good for the skin.

That's a laugh. Everyone knows the best thing for a woman's skin is sperm, or as the Mayor refers to it, "10 CCs of man yogurt".

Shout out

It's been a while since I've increased my blog roll, but I'd like to acknowledge the newest addition: The London Fog. Check his shit out ya little buggers......well....not literally. You know what I mean.

And the Drunken Stepfather. Mainly because I'm a hit whore and he gets a ton of em. He also has a daily buffet of titty pictures......yup.....there's some good eatin'.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Abbreviated week

That’s because I, and most of the Mayor’s inner cabinet are taking off to camp Mitchieville for the weekend to plan campaign strategies. Usually that also involves the mass consumption of alcohol, imported dancing trollops, and the introduction of raw meat to flame.

After this week we need a break, as the temperature in Mitchieville reached the upper echelon destroying several records in the process.

How hot was it?

It was so hot even the drive-by shooters were keeping the windows up and the AC cranked.

Beyond Stupidome or Lethal Blunder

OK, so Mad Mel flew off the handle this week and lost it. In the process irreparably damaging his career.

I’m not going to rehash what’s already been beat to death by the media. But let me ask you this. After "The Passion of The Christ" should the Jews really be surprised at the racial slurs coming from Ol' Braveheart?

Seems Mr. Gibson can fatten the pig, he just can't bring home the bacon........damn it!...... no discourtesy meant to my Jewish friends.....Jesus!......opps....once again I apologize.

Gasalino Royal

The New Bond film, "Casino Royal," will be delayed possibly seven months, as a fire raged through the main set and destroyed much of it.

Apparently someone other than myself doesn’t think Daniel Craig would make a good Bond.

Daniel Radcliffe to expose his hairy potter

Yes-sir-ee-bob, the young rapscallion star of the Harry Potter films is set to expose his wand in a revival of Peter Shaffer's "Equus", on the London stage.

Teenage pin-up Radcliffe will play an emotionally-troubled boy prone to nudity and the blinding of horses.

Tickets are already a hot item. Get that little wizard chick to join him then we’ll talk.

For what eels ya

For more than 30 years, crowds have flocked to the small English fishing village of Lyme Regis to watch an annual tradition - two teams of fishermen standing on wooden platforms as human bowling pins, hurling a dead giant eel at each other. But the ritual was abruptly abandoned after an animal rights activist threatened to draw negative publicity to the latest tournament.

The practice, known as conger cuddling, ( funny, that's what GIGC and I call it after coitus), is the annual highlight in the small coastal town about 155 miles southwest of London. The object of the game is to knock the opposing team off the platform by swinging a 25-pound eel at them.

How will we ever go on with out this activity? I don't know about you, but I feel a little dead inside.

Bridge over the river Danube

The Hungarians are building a new bridge and are letting the public name it. With such a rich history you’d think the new bridge would be named "Pato Pal" after a character in a poem by Hungary's favourite poet Sandor Petoffi. A name synonymous with people who do not want to spend money.

Or Szent Istvan, after the founder of the Hungarian state. Sadly he is languishing in ninth place with only 2000 votes just slightly ahead of the suggestion "It'll never happen bridge."

If voting ended today, the bridge would be called....wait for it....the Chuck Norris Bridge. Is there anything he can’t do.

"On your left by the beautiful waters of Danube is the Royal Palace and if you’ll direct your attention to the right you’ll see the newly constructed Chuck Norris Bridge."

The poll closes on September 8 so get those Chuck Norris votes in now!

Waldo vs Johnny

Thanks to all those who played "Where's Johnny Wad" over the past few weeks. Although there were a few of you who failed to see the humor and stated your opinion as such. Let's just say if I were to build a bridge and have it named by a readership poll it would be called the "You suck" or "Eat my shit" bridge.

So for those of you who feel my often twisted views are not your cup, I present to you a traditional, "Where's Waldo." Enjoy.

New Release this week: Actually, it's too bloody early in the week to tell you, but I do recommend this gem. The McKeithen's- Self titiled. I think there's a fifth member but he's trapped in the Mother's hair.