Saturday, December 31, 2005
As we bid farewell to 2005 I'd like to leave you with a few of my personal favorite pics from the past 12 months and what was my 1st post on this blasted gizmo. It was almost a year ago when I still had no idea what I was getting myself in to.
1) Pottahawk: The picture says it all.
2) Jerry Casby defeated in Mayoral re-election bid.
3) The Mayor in socks and sandals is one thing, but the Mayor in Hobbit feet.....priceless.
4) Fat Elvis camel toe? It doesn't get any better.
5) Self portrait.
Who am I? (Jan. 5th 2005)
I don’t know for sure. I am constantly evolving. Trying new things. Stuff that terrifies , yet entices me. Blogs for instance. But...the hard facts. Incessant teen trapped in a middle aged body. Off work for the winter so I must write, write, write. Sexual thoughts every 4.6 seconds. An aspiring author when the erotic thoughts don’t intervene. I have great friends which I guess makes me one too.
Physically, I have all my own teeth, as can be witnessed through smile or scowl. I still posses all my own dark hair, but now with a touch of gray and receding slightly. I’m tall and not hard to look at, yet I’ve always been slightly overweight, fighting that lightbulb profile in an ongoing battle in the wasteland.
I’m easy going, yet with a vicious temper if the right buttons are pushed. Humorous, yet moody. Well-intentioned, but versed in the talents of firmly lodging my foot in my mouth. Reliable and loyal, unless betrayed. A dreamer, but a realist. A good worker, who also knows the value of taking it easy. I’m a nail biter and a low talker, who will flip his underwear on occasion to get an extra day before doing laundry.
Basically I’m not an over-achiever. I’m just the average guy. A point that is more disappointing to me, than those around me. That pretty much sums it up.
Friday, December 30, 2005
Technically it’s tomorrow that the Mayor’s Blog in Mitchieville celebrates the first year of existence, but what the hell.
Sorry about the cake Mayor. It was all they had. It was a busy week for kid's parties and they were all out of the tits and ass cakes. It was either this or My Little Pony and I know you are still suffering the shell shock of the "My Little Pony 2001 incident."
I’m looking forward to another year of the outrageous and the asinine in Mitchieville. Cheers for 2006 my brother.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
The following links have to be the best, hands down.
So your parents are dead
Don’t cheat yourself from letting the milk squirt out your nose. Go and check them out.
Over the past year I have posted many excerpts not only from my new manuscript, Handmade Heart, but past novels, The Limits of Respectability, and Center of the Universe, as well.
I have always tried to treat this blog with the same tongue-in-ass approach as I do when I write. All this means is, you’ll either be disgusted by my work, or laugh while you're being disgusted by my work. It's that simple.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
This week I planned on reliving some of my favorite blogs from 2005. Now I realize the Mayor is doing something similar. I’m not trying to plagiarize the wee bastard, it’s just that.....well...not many people know this but, the Mayor and I shared a brain at birth. That’s right we were conjoined until a successful operation allowed us to live independent lives with our half brains.
I guess this probably explains a lot, given the nature of some of our posts over the past year. One just has to explore these next links to see what not having all your gray matter does to you. They were links featured on both our sites btw.
Real life vs the internet (could have been on Chuck Norris Monday)
Monday, December 26, 2005
Any hoo....say goodbye to Christmas. It's history. Let's turn our attention to the New Year shall we, and more specifically the year ending. I thought it would be fun to rehash some of the Strangedaze blogs of the past 12 months. Don't worry, there will be no Blog wars, which had to be the worst idea ever. See. I didn't even link it. Yes, it was that stupid.
I would also like to give you an idea of what I have in store for the near future. In the new Year I will be doing something I like to call Chuck Norris Mondays, where two things face off against one another with one ultimate winner.
Here, I'll give you an example using some exellent links from 2005.
Cat vs Car
Squirrel vs Launcher
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Then you notice you've been so busy fighting the masses for those last minute deals , you haven't even started to decorate your household. In fact, all the Christmas shit is still in the shed under four feet of snow. What the hell do you do?
You can't dig it out, you have no energy. You can't go back out to the malls even if you wanted to because they're closed. DON'T PANIC!
Go here, for some ideas on how you can save the day with ordinary items. Unfortunately after that link I have no more advice. You are on your own. You see, I finished my shopping and decorating weeks ago. Sucker!
Friday, December 23, 2005
Death to all western pigs and a Merry Christmas/Happy Chanukah to all.
Season’s Greetings from Al Qaeda
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Monday, December 19, 2005
No...officially...I’m doing the Christmas vacation blog week starting today, which is to say, It’ll be mostly links. Entertaining yes...but links never-the-less.
Today for instance is a link to a sketch from SNL that I’m still giggling over. If you didn’t see this rap on Saturday, you have to check it out. Now that’s some funny shit.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
The days of using sudden deaths of distant relatives, severed limbs, and aggravated goiters no longer work. People see right through that. As soon as you’re hanging up the phone in a sigh of relief, the person on the other end is telling their significant other what a dead-beat fuck you are. You have to go.
But I can save you the pain of attending further functions at residences like this. All you need to do is take a couple bags of potato chips, a three cheese dip, and a bag of kiwi mice. That’s right. They won’t be calling you for their next holiday gala.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
But I also love the death and destruction of such classic Yule tide fare as Black Christmas and Silent Night Deadly Night. Imagine my mirth when I found someone finally created a bastard offspring of the two. Now I can have my bloodlust while feeling all fuzzy and warm about it.
Friday, December 16, 2005
In the past weeks I’ve counseled you on last minute gift ideas for the holiday season. However, one important feature I forgot to mention is, although Christmas is a time of giving to the ones you love, it can also be a time of dumping the dead-beat family and friends on your list.
It is a great opportunity to buy those people something truly awful. A gift given in all seriousness and sincerity but you know if they never get another thing from you again they’ll be happier for it.
Of course you can’t just go wrapping a big Ol’ bag of shit and boast how you saw it in a store’s display case and it made you think of them. You have to be sneaky. It has to be something where you can say, you searched and searched for just the right present.
I believe the next item could suffice and you can probaly save some coin if you purchase them by the dozen.
I give you the Clown cactus pot.
Bonus tip: If you don't want those relative slobs coming over again for Christmas dinner.--- When you're finished your meal, make a joke about your new dish-washer. --- Put dirty dishes on the floor for the dog to lick up.--- When he's done, put the plates dirrectly back into the cupboard.--- Make sure your guests witness these actions......You may have to buy a dog first.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
1. Clothes for a better version of him.
Hey you want to dress up your Scottish Terrier in a little pink sweater and hat? Fine! But we’re men not frickin’ pets. I love my old clothes and enjoy parading around like the Ghost of Christmas Past. I’ve got closets full of shit I’ll never wear or be able to re-gift.
2. The saccharine stuff.
While women always enjoy the lovey-dovey, men are often scared off by syrupy tokens, not to mention feel totally awkward about how to say "thanks" gracefully. Keep that in mind as you’re shopping. No doubt you will encounter ferociously cute teddy bears, a mix CD of love songs that’ll make your heart stir, and flannel pj’s with a really cute heart pattern... but think of how your man will feel unwrapping a gift like that.
Je-sus I’m an author and even I won’t read "The Bridges of Madison County".
3. Kitchen and bath bric-a-brac.
Even if your guy’s life is conspicuously missing a toaster oven, a hamper or a spice rack, unless you find one with 38 electronic widgets to distract him from the domesticity of your gift, skip this idea. It’s more like something his sensible mother would send him, and many guys can feel territorial about changes you’re indirectly making to their homes.
Oh yeah and the reason my toaster oven is missing is because it ended up in the tub while my ex-girlfriend was taking a bath.
4. Elaborate handmade gifts.
While a gift you make can mean much more than anything store-bought, guys often get uncomfortable and feel obligated if you give them something you’ve truly toiled over. You also want to go easy on the handcrafted gifts that celebrate your union. A tray decoupaged with photos of the two of you is a bit much for anyone but a husband to handle.
Mainly because the poor bastard no longer has a choice.
5. Self-help anything.
Men don’t want you to change them; they want you to love them especially when the love is accompanied by vast quantities of sex. But sometimes women can’t resist helping a guy reach one of his long-term goals. A copy of "What Color is Your Parachute?", is not going to be received with great anticipation.
The same goes for any self-improvement-type gifts that he hasn’t explicitly, repeatedly mentioned wanting, whether it’s a gym membership, a gift certificate for a facial, a nose-hair trimmer (even though the guys on Queer Eye swear by them) or a Rogaine sample.
I have underwear with holes in it from 1999 for cryin’ out loud. You think you're going to change me from wearing them? Besides, we’re already perfect. Don’t you know that by now?
Bonus tip: Unlike women, men actually enjoy getting small appliances. Or even large ones. Except something that needs batteries, vibrates, and looks like a telefunken u47 should be skipped. Anything with the letters LCD HD is always a nice thought.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
The worst women's gifts:
1. Anything she needs instead of wants.
Just because she needs new running shoes, hand lotion, or a frying pan, or tires for her car, isn’t your invitation to replace it. They may think it's sweet that you were listening, but that said, women never swoon over practical gifts.
"I always complained that I never had enough quarters for the laundromat," says Kristine Janik of New York City. "Then my boyfriend gave me $40 in quarters, which was really odd."
I wonder if she put them in a sock and then proceeded to beat the hell out of him?
2. Awful flowers.
Especially plastic or a table arrangement—round, with holly and glittery branches sticking out of it and a wooden church scene stuck on top, accompanied by a card that says: 'My love for you is everlasting, just like these flowers!’
Appropriate for your grandmother’s foyer, not so for the woman who decides if she'll suck your dick or not.
3. Sports paraphernalia.
Of course this rule applies to everyone except my girl D. She's a N.O. Saints fan, what more can I say?
4. A card that you’ve signed in front of her.
And if you have to ask her how to spell her name while you're doing it, I guess you should find somewhere else to spend Christmas.
5. A 3-way unless she specifically asks for it.
I won't make that mistake again.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Although Monday, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger' denied Williams' request for clemency, suggesting that his supposed change of heart was not genuine because he had not shown any real remorse, he did make a last minute call before the lethal injection.
It just so happens that I have access to those transcripts, but it's up to you to use your best Arnold voice.
San Quentin State Prison Official: Hello.
Gov. Arnold: It’s de Governor. Hold de injections, and de restraints, and de crying, and all tings like dat der. Put the prisonator on de phones. Now!
SQSPO: *covering the mouthpeice with hand* Stop the procedure. It’s Arnold. He wants to speak to Williams.
Williams: Hello....Governor Schwarzenegger?
Gov. Arnold: Is dis de prisonator to whom I am speaking to on de phone?
Williams: Yes Governor Schwarzenegger it is.
Gov. Arnold: Remember when I said I’d kill you last?.....I lied. Merry Christmas and all tings like dat der.
Full story here.
Monday, December 12, 2005
Relax, I’ve got you covered no matter what the fuck you celebrate. I’ll hook a brother up, no problem. Go to this link. They have T-shirts for all the holidays.
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Saturday, December 10, 2005
The other day, a list was released of the world's top Mayors.
Dora Bakoyannis Mayor of Athens, (pictured right), was voted #1.
Hurricane Hazel McCallion of Mississauga, (the picture's not necessary is it?), snagged the #2 slot.
And our very own Mayor of Mitchieville finished a close third.
Congrats to the Mayor for his recognition on the world stage.
I bet you didn’t know this but Mitchieville came that close *tiny gap between thumb and index finger* to getting the 2006 winter Olympics. Hell, Barrie only beat us out for Live 8 because Bob, the guy who arranges City festivities was away on vacation in Aruba.
Dora Bakoyannis was elected the 48th Mayor of Athens on 20 October 2002. With her victory she broke several records that had stood for generations:
• She is the first woman chosen to lead Athens in the 3,000-year history of Europe’s oldest capital.
• She won by a larger majority – 61 per cent -- than any Athens mayor in the history of modern Greece.
• She is the first woman to have served as Mayor of a city hosting the Olympic Games, which was held in Athens half way through her term in the summer of 2004.
In November 2003, at the age of 82, Hazel McCallion started her 10th term of Mayor of Mississauga, a city of some 680,000 people just to the south-west of Toronto. Mayor McCallion celebrated her first mayoral election victory in 1978 and, during her 25 years in office, both she and the city she leads have set new standards in Canadian municipal government. Mississauga is one of a few cities in Canada that are debt-free. In fact, the city has not had to borrow money since 1978. (picture here if you really want to see, but don't say I didn't warn ya.)
Pictured right, the Mayor of Mitchieville takes a break from ice fishing at his remote cottage in Nunivit to enjoy the spoils of third place. All hail his excellence!
Friday, December 09, 2005
I still have a Christmas gift idea for you too buddy. Go to the link, buy her one , or perhaps a dozen and start to heal the rift in your relationship. Of course, what she does with her mouth is a different matter.
Now if it's your man that's been kissing Santa Claus, you have a two fold problem, but never fear there are also great designs for the fellas as well as the gals.
I have to admit, the Spex looks painful. I can almost hear the little bugger choking when I look at the picture. I think I'd rather have nine feet of intestine yanked from my body.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
It was twenty five years ago today.
....seem like longer to me.
...that Lenin died. One of the leading political figures and revolutionary thinkers of the 20th century, Lenin masterminded the Bolshevik take-over of power in Russia in 1917 and was the architect and first head of the Soviet state....
You know he doesn’t seem like such a bad chap. Just look at that lovable mug. He kinda looks like a Mike Myers character don't ya think?
He posthumously gave name to the Marxist-Leninist ideology, but by the death of the communist system in 1991, his legacy was largely discredited and....
....what? Lennon not Lenin? Oh John Lennon.....I...ah...um...........................................................Hey! Have you seen my new clock?....Sweet ain’t it? Got it from the Mayor of Mitchieville along with a bottle of Scotch and a $10 food voucher for Chuckie Cheese, as an early Christmas present....
You know....you’re right. It’s not much of a gift is it? Come to think of it, the Mayor’s pretty cheap. After all I’ve done for him.
I've been Campaign manager for years. Orchestrating his consistent defeats over that bastard Jerry Casby. I won't even discuss the favors I had to pull to get him out of his so-called "business trip" to Bangladesh. Hell, I even threw a pie in the face of Paul Martin during his visit with Condalisa Rice, for that man. And all I get is a clock, a little booze, and a gift certificate to a restaurant? I'd rather eat the ass end of a cat.
The Mayor should have used the Scotch to liquor up some scantily clad nymphettes and drop them off at my place, wrapped in Christmas bows and bacon, for a little of the old kneel & bob. And I’m not talking about Young and Dylan.
With a thoughtful, giving act like that, I'd be feeling much Joy....personally I don't care what the other girl's name is. Now there's a Christmas present.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
I promised at that juncture that I would not sleep until I found something for the guys to sharpen their skills on as well. And other than the 72 hours it took me to install my Christmas lights, I haven’t.
Today I’m proud to say I have done extensive research on the subject with the help of Dan Savage, and sifted through a few helpful tips, (in bold), from women themselves. So instead of just posting a link, I'm going to give you the 411 on the cooch first hand.
Because unless you have a vagina attached to your body, or like me watch an abundance of lesbian porn and frequently take notes, we men have no clue what the hell we are doing down there.
Okay, here are your cunnilingus tips, boys!
Whatever you do, DO NOT use your teeth! Also try to keep the saliva down to a minimum.
Got it, boys? No teeth, and very little saliva.
SALIVA, SALIVA, SALIVA: I can't overemphasize the importance of plenty of lubrication.
No, wait--use saliva, boys, and lots of it. But no teeth.
The word cunnilingus derives from two Latin words: cunnus (female genitals) and lingere (to lick). But the action should include not only the tongue, but the teeth. Tongue: soft, yet firm. Teeth: Nibble around down there!
No, wait--use your teeth to nibble, boys.
I don't think it's necessary for a guy to spend much time in any other area than the clitoris.
Focus on the clit, boys.
A clit is not a doorbell. Please do not punch it repeatedly with your tongue. And explore the rest of my pussy. It has just as many sensitive nerve endings as my clit.
No, wait--explore the whole pussy, boys.
As a closeted gay college student, I turned to my straight friends for guidance on "the deed," and one bit of advice actually worked: Lick the alphabet! One word of caution: SHE CAN'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING! It is disastrous to let her hear you humming the alphabet song. This could imply that you are not sufficiently stimulated by her parts, as was the case with me.
Lick the alphabet, boys, but don't let her know you're licking the alphabet.
I dated a guy who used "the alphabet song" to guide him along. Basically, he hummed the "A, B, C, D, E, F, G... H, I, J, K, LMNOP..." song while drawing the letters with his tongue on my clit. Now every time I hear the alphabet song I get wet!
No, wait. Tell her you're licking the alphabet, and she'll get wet when she hears the alphabet song.
Guys, don't slide your tongues in and out of our vaginas. All that feels like is a small, thin, limp dick. Most women don't like small, limp dicks, so why simulate one with your tongue?
Don't stick your tongues in, boys.
A French guy once stuck his tongue in and swirled it around, pushing it really hard against the walls of my vagina. It was amazing. The American guys I've slept with tend to lap politely. I guess this must be one of those things the French come up with in their six weeks of annual paid vacation.
No, wait--stick your tongues in the vaginal canal, boys.
So many guys are obsessed with penetration that they can't eat pussy without sticking their fingers in. Fellas, please, just lick me.
No fingers, boys, just tongue.
Men need to know that the G-spot is located behind the ridge of the pubis bone, up and inside her vagina. Take your hand palm up, insert middle and pointer fingers, curl your fingers toward you like you're saying, "Come here." Do this while you lick, and she'll come right then and there.
No, wait--use your fingers and tongue, boys.
Okay, let's review what we've learned: Use little saliva; use lots of saliva; use your teeth; don't use your teeth; focus on the clit; explore the whole pussy; lick the alphabet but don't tell her; lick the alphabet and tell her; don't stick your tongue in; stick your tongue in; don't stick your fingers in; stick your fingers in.
I hope this was helpful. Of course, if it wasn't--if this post left you more confused--you might try ASKING THE WOMAN TO TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT SHE LIKES. Personally, two things kept coming up while I was reading my 500 e-mails about cunnilingus: my lunch, and the sneaking suspicion that not all women enjoy the same things when it comes to oral sex. So, boys, you'll have to ask .
Memorize all this stuff and they'll be calling you Clitty McNub in no time and then you're ready to plug in and play.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
The complaints from neighbors are numerous and pour in a steady stream.
The death threats are mounting and I fear for my cat's life.
Now, I’m a reasonable guy. I can at least embrace the idea of compromise, but nothing has worked so far.
Changing the music to Black Sabbath only seemed to anger everyone more. And let’s not discuss the rage induced by Eminem. So I decided perhaps something a little more traditional was in order? I hope this will keep the grumbling to a minimum?
Monday, December 05, 2005
It was a long tedious process and there were some injuries. Sadly I will miss my Son, but the end result was well worth his passing as you will see. Although, I don’t think the neighbors will appreciate it much.
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Never fear brothers and sisters, Strange is here to help with all your festive season woes. Have I ever let you down?.....OK apart from that one time have I ever let you down?....Hey it's your fault for leaving me to feed the dogs when you were on vacation. How was I to know not to give them bacon. The stains will come out. Keep scrubbing....Oh forget it....let’s move on.
It just so happens that I have a friend, who is a friend of a friend of an uncle, who is trying to sell his Xbox 360, no questions asked *wink* You do have cash right? All right go to the link.
Tell him Chris sent you. He’ll probably knock off a couple of bucks and everyone is happy. For those of you who are still in the market for an Xbox...tough tittie.....but I’ll keep my eye out for other cool Christmas gift ideas and let you know.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
.....Oh....Hi.....Sorry.....I’m still trying to spot all the bands from Thursday’s post. It’s taking up a good portion of my brain capacity and that's without the erection.
I don’t even remember what I was going to Blog today....oh yes....do you ever wonder who would win in a battle between a rabbit and a bunch of piranhas?....yeah you're right. That's a stupid question....
Ok let’s say the rabbit has magical powers like a wizard or George Bush or Paris Hilton maybe?....Nope still the piranhas....
I’ll just post the pics and you can judge for yourself....Say did you ever see that movie, "Gone in 60 seconds" with Nicholas Cage and Angelina Jolie?....
...Do you ever wonder who would win in a battle between Nicholas Cage, Angelina Jolie and a bunch of piranhas? Hell I'll even throw in Brad Pitt.
Friday, December 02, 2005
As men we don’t like to tell women when they give shitty oral because we’re scared to death we’ll never get it again. And bad oral is still better than no oral.
Then I stumbled across this site and thought I’d share it with those of you of the female persuasion. If you are one of those dreaded few who think sucking a penis is like making the driest martini in the world and our dicks are the vermouth, you can maybe find out what you’ve been doing wrong all these years.
I’m sorry I haven’t located one for the guys yet. I know men are not much better when it comes to knowing what to do with the other team's sexy bits. Most of us just treat a woman’s Venus mound like it’s an all you can eat buffet and when we run out of ideas we just ram a thumb up her arse and hope for the best.
So I will endeavor to keep searching for the men while the ladies brush up on their technique. And girls, you will be tested.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
In this picture there are 75 music artist references, both group and individual. Can you spot them all?
Uh.... is Hot Chocolate one? Great! Now I can’t get "You sexy thing" out of my head.
I’ll tell you, I studied this for an hour and only came up with about fifteen. Appalling I know, since I used to be a musician and still listen to a wide variety.
If you really need to cheat you can go here. There are others, just like you and I, who have nothing better to do with their time than stare relentlessly at this picture. First give it a shot and see how many you come up with before you compare notes.